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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Asked my partner does he get the urge to make love to me

149 replies

Mummabear21324 · 09/11/2022 22:20

I basically feel embarrassed to even put this on here however I need others point of view. I asked my partner of 11 years when he’s horny does he ever get the urge to make love to me. Reason I asked this as I always feel he doesn’t make love to me. His reply was “no not really”. I proceeded to tell him my feelings are hurt by that, he then tells me “I’m making a mountain out of a molehill”. I then tell him that’s gaslighting, which he respond “everything is gaslighting”. I love my partner so much but I honestly just feel he completely lacks feelings that I don’t. Help

OP posts:
RishisProudMum · 09/11/2022 23:18

Mummabear21324 · 09/11/2022 23:13

Yes I am sure of my own experiences as I have an MSc in Counselling & Psychotherapy and have studied the different forms of gaslighting. Others shouldn’t be so quick to dismiss mild forms of gaslighting, just because they don’t classify it as abusive.

You have an MSc in Counselling & Psychotherapy but used a screenshot of ‘trulycharming.com’ to describe signs of gaslighting?

This post is odd. Best of luck, OP. I’m out.

Polecat07 · 09/11/2022 23:19

I agree with other commenters that a much healthier way to have communicated this issue to your partner would have been a transparent conversation about what you'd like more of sexually. This could even have been pleasant and positive.

The way you went about it was almost inviting upset, especially if, knowing him as you do, you might have expected him to answer as he did and 'fail' in your round about questioning, giving a thoughtlessly (accidentally?) hurtful answer. Similarly you seem determined about the gaslighting.

You mention being so different, that you have all these feelings that he just lacks, and that you overthink - yes, maybe you are self sabotaging a bit here?

Readaboutyourself · 09/11/2022 23:19

Mummabear21324 · 09/11/2022 23:13

Yes I am sure of my own experiences as I have an MSc in Counselling & Psychotherapy and have studied the different forms of gaslighting. Others shouldn’t be so quick to dismiss mild forms of gaslighting, just because they don’t classify it as abusive.

So why are you still in this relationship?

Original poster
Mummabear21324 · 09/11/2022 23:20

Well that’s your opinion and I have mine. I felt like him proceeding to say “everything is gaslighting” is adding to the problem. I know what gaslighting is and my partner unintentionally does it a lot. I don’t need to give everyone on here 100 examples and I don’t need everyone to agree with my definition of gaslighting either. If you Google subtle gaslighting maybe you will understand more.

OP posts:
OverTheRubicon · 09/11/2022 23:20

Mummabear21324 · 09/11/2022 23:09

It wasn’t a single event though. I just haven’t described everything on here. Although he maybe hasn’t intentionally gaslit me. To tell me im making a mountain out of a molehill and I’m too sensitive and then say it isn’t like that. Is trying to change the reality of what actually occurred - gaslighting

Which is ironic, because you keep adding extra details about vague past events and your MSc to make him more gaslighty and other people - whose opinion you asked for - feel in the wrong.

Personally, I feel a bit gaslit right now.

1POTUS · 09/11/2022 23:21

Mummabear21324 · 09/11/2022 23:14

We don’t have deep meaningful moments in the bedroom - hence the problem.

Surely with your qualification in phsycotherapy, you could work out that asking him when he's horny isn't going to give you the answers you want then?

You've said there's no deep meaningful bits etc - with your knowledge surely you know better than anyone what to ask and how to deal with it?

Weird.

Original poster
Mummabear21324 · 09/11/2022 23:21

Because I love my partner and we have a great relationship in other ways. We struggle with communication as he is very shut down emotionally. He is seeing a psychiatrist at the moment to try and help. He knows this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummabear21324 · 09/11/2022 23:23

Yeah it’s fine for you to be gaslit just not for me. Just because I have a degree in that subject doesn’t mean that I’m perfect with communication and have not made out to be. Surely you understand this?

OP posts:
ladydimitrescu · 09/11/2022 23:23

It was a really odd question to ask in the first place, and you don't like the answer he gave. That's all that's happened here.
He is correct in saying you're over reacting - you didn't like his response, and you've escalated it to him being abusive because it wasn't what you wanted to hear. Your behaviour is actually quite dangerous, you could get him in serious trouble with these allegations of several occasions or gaslighting abusive behaviour.

Original poster
Mummabear21324 · 09/11/2022 23:24

Does that mean I’m not entitled to seek the opinion of others? Never realised that. That’s like telling a therapist to not seek therapy as they should know everything 👀

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummabear21324 · 09/11/2022 23:26

Tad exaggerated I think. I have not stated he is abusive hence the reason I have repeatedly stated that he unintentionally gaslights me. Sorry I don’t fit into your box of what you believe gaslighting is.

OP posts:
Kenny69 · 09/11/2022 23:26

ladydimitrescu · 09/11/2022 23:23

It was a really odd question to ask in the first place, and you don't like the answer he gave. That's all that's happened here.
He is correct in saying you're over reacting - you didn't like his response, and you've escalated it to him being abusive because it wasn't what you wanted to hear. Your behaviour is actually quite dangerous, you could get him in serious trouble with these allegations of several occasions or gaslighting abusive behaviour.

If I was the OP partner I think I would the one looking to leave based on all the gaslighting going on..

Original poster
Mummabear21324 · 09/11/2022 23:28

Can you please explain how I have gaslit my partner? You make no sense. Back it up.

OP posts:
ladydimitrescu · 09/11/2022 23:28

Mummabear21324 · 09/11/2022 23:26

Tad exaggerated I think. I have not stated he is abusive hence the reason I have repeatedly stated that he unintentionally gaslights me. Sorry I don’t fit into your box of what you believe gaslighting is.

You said above "people shouldn't be so quick to disregard mild gaslighting just because they don't deem it abusive" - which insinuates that you do think it's abuse, no?

PinkButtercups · 09/11/2022 23:29

I don't get how you can be a psychotherapist in all honesty.

Original poster
Mummabear21324 · 09/11/2022 23:29

No the opposite. I’m insinuating that just because you don’t deem gaslighting as abusive doesn’t mean it’s not gaslighting. Hence the definition of mild gaslighting. Feels like your nitpicking. Thanks for no advice 😘

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummabear21324 · 09/11/2022 23:30

I don’t get why adding a complete pointless comment helps anyone.

OP posts:
PinkButtercups · 09/11/2022 23:31

Mummabear21324 · 09/11/2022 23:30

I don’t get why adding a complete pointless comment helps anyone.

Likewise. You asked someone to back something up. They backed it up with YOUR OWN WORDS and you can't handle it.

Your poor partner. It all makes sense now.

Original poster
Mummabear21324 · 09/11/2022 23:31

Anyway, I have work in the morning. My time debating with ransoms on mumsnet is over. Thank you to the individuals on this post whom offered me advice.

OP posts:
ladydimitrescu · 09/11/2022 23:31

Mummabear21324 · 09/11/2022 23:29

No the opposite. I’m insinuating that just because you don’t deem gaslighting as abusive doesn’t mean it’s not gaslighting. Hence the definition of mild gaslighting. Feels like your nitpicking. Thanks for no advice 😘

I've given advice - my advice is, it's an odd question, you're being over the top, he's not gaslit you and to let it go. 😊

Original poster
Mummabear21324 · 09/11/2022 23:33

You have interpreted my words wrong. No one else has said I am gaslighting my partner. I literally explained what I wrote, yet your still nitpicking. Does it make you happy to try bring others down?

OP posts:
Deadringer · 09/11/2022 23:33

You cannot unintentionally gaslight someone, the whole point is that it is a deliberate form of manipulative behaviour, no wonder he doesn't understand you. I don't believe a word you have said, I am out too.

RishisProudMum · 09/11/2022 23:34

Lots of people have given advice. You’re not engaging with it. You’re only really responding to argue with people about the (or, rather, ‘your’) definition of gaslighting.

I mean this kindly, OP, but you are not coming across as a very effective communicator. You’ve managed to befuddle dozens of people in a quite short period of time.

As I said above, I think you should consider how and what you’re communicating to your partner.

lookoutkid · 09/11/2022 23:34

It was a really odd question to ask in the first place, and you don't like the answer he gave. That's all that's happened here. He is correct in saying you're over reacting - you didn't like his response, and you've escalated it to him being abusive because it wasn't what you wanted to hear. Your behaviour is actually quite dangerous, you could get him in serious trouble with these allegations of several occasions or gaslighting abusive behaviour

It's not an odd question at all, stop being so British @ladydimitrescu

OPs behaviour is DANGEROUS?!! By posting on an anonymous forum about her partners response? You are being ridiculous!

Original poster
Mummabear21324 · 09/11/2022 23:35

Yes you can. You can do it unknowingly and just because of that, doesn’t mean the other person isn’t hurt. I would appreciate you look things up. All you need to do is read a journal.

OP posts: