Asked my partner does he get the urge to make love to me

[Mummabear21324]

I basically feel embarrassed to even put this on here however I need others point of view. I asked my partner of 11 years when he’s horny does he ever get the urge to make love to me. Reason I asked this as I always feel he doesn’t make love to me. His reply was “no not really”. I proceeded to tell him my feelings are hurt by that, he then tells me “I’m making a mountain out of a molehill”. I then tell him that’s gaslighting, which he respond “everything is gaslighting”. I love my partner so much but I honestly just feel he completely lacks feelings that I don’t. Help

I'm really not into slow, sensual, passionate love making. It just doesn't really do it for me. I might fancy it once or twice a year maybe. I much prefer hard, fast, wham, bam thank you mam type sex 🤣 buuut that doesn't mean that I don't love my dh.

If my dh told me that he doesn't really enjoy the kind of sex that I enjoy and wants more love making type sex then I would make the effort to try. I would expect us to meet somewhere in the middle so that we can both enjoy sex. But I would tell him that he would need to take the lead and guide me on what he actually wants.

If you'd have sat him down and explained what you don't like and exactly what you want and he'd have said "erm, naa sorry I cba" then I could understand why you are upset. But what you actually did was ask him a simple question and he gave you an honest answer. If you didn't want to hear the answer then you shouldn't have asked the question.

Imo op the way that you communicate just feels a bit like your trying to play games. Asking him loaded questions rather than explaining what you want, trying to trip him up etc. Just talk to your dh, stop playing games.

You can't gaslight unknowingly. Manipulation is intrinsic to the definition. You have called your husband a gaslighter, therefore abusive. You need to separate (for his sake mainly). And if you have an MSc in counselling and psychotherapy then I'm Luz Hurley. In fact, in January you had just finished a BA in Health and Social Care.

Completely ignoring the gaslighting part as really that isn't the point of this thread.

Op sounds as though your partner is selfish in bed and your needs aren't being met. Many men probably would prefer more direct language rather than 'love making'. It sounds a bit cringey i guess. I would be quite clear that you're not enjoying the sex and it wouldn't kill him to focus on you for a change - female orgasms aren't a myth sir!!

You sound like hard work

Are you saying people can’t be manipulative without realising it?

Many people lack self awareness and engage in subtle forms if manipulative behaviour that can be termed gaslighting. Please look it up.

I came on to say the same thing but @3487642l said it better.

Think there has been an unnecessary pile on. Hope you're ok @Mummabear21324

I was talking specifically about gaslighting. Of course people can be manipulative in many ways without realising, but gaslighting is different - it's a conscious tactic to plant seeds to make someone doubt their reality.

I totally get you @Mummabear21324 ! I think a lot of men have lost a sort of connection between feeling passion and love and sex/making-love. I blame internet porn which has basically objectified women much more than in any other time in history.

Exactly. People have derailed the thread with all the gas lighting stuff.

This thread makes shameful reading but tbh so many posts being derailed on MN these days 🙄

So many are focusing on the language OP has used and picking fault at her subsequent defending/explaining when it is abundantly clear to the majority of us NOT LOOKING FOR A FIGHT what OP is on about!

To "gaslight” refers to the act of undermining another person's reality by denying facts, the environment around them, or their feelings.

OP is correct to feel his behaviour in the bedroom is a type of gaslighting as he is minimising and then being dismissive of her feelings. That isn't necessarily the big A of abuse needing a flurry of LTB comments but that their communication skills need improving.

OP needs to have a conversation with her partner/husband away from the bedroom about fact, for men sex is a far more mechanical act than for women who need to feel wooed, appreciated, loved and desired. Foreplay for women starts starts well before the bedroom. Pity more men don't realise this as they may find their wives/ partners interested in obliging more often.

This probably what I was trying to say my DP can be the same.

If I was to ask him the same think I know my answer too.

We can have loving movements during sex but sometimes nothing like when you first meet you DP..The urge to make love to you would be more then and now it's like just sex. But doesn't mean he doesn't love you.
Just probably not giving you the passionate. I often think this sometimes with DP.

Have a chat with him about your needs too.

His reply was “no not really”. I proceeded to tell him my feelings are hurt by that, he then tells me “I’m making a mountain out of a molehill”.

I then tell him that’s gaslighting, which he respond “everything is gaslighting”.

I agree with him. This isn't gaslighting and it's overused so often.

You may not like what he said ..but it's not gaslighting.

Poor bloke

So to summarise.. you're insecure and dissatisfied with your sex life. You ask him a question and he gives you an honest answer. This hurts your feelings.

So what? Was he meant to lie to protect your feelings?

You asked the wrong question. You'd have done better to tell him how YOU were feeling.

What if the answer that he gave you was an honest answer? A man can love you but not be sexually aroused by you. Maybe he was not trying to be insensitive; maybe he was giving you his honest assessment of the situation.

Rather than asking those questions that you may not want to hear the answer to, why not ask him how would he describe your sex life? Rather than trying to tell him the specifics of what you want, why not ask him what can the two of you do to improve your sex ?

OP I get it. My ex was only capable of , for lack of a better term, “fucking”. There was nothing loving about it. We rarely kissed, he never caressed me, his eyes stayed closed and most of the time it was soggy style, which feels impersonal to me if some all the time.

im ok with sex like that sometimes but not all the time. And even after letting him know what kind of sex I preferred it didn’t make a difference.

Sounds like he's selfish and shit in bed. You could be honest and tell him.
Then if he gets mad you can tell him not to make a mountain of a molehill.

agree with this ^^, you have asked a question, got a brutally honest answer which you don’t like, got the hump and accused him of psychological abuse.

if his response of “everything is gaslighting “ might suggest that you accuse him of this on regular basis.

the sex might well be crap, but I was in his shoes I would be the one looking to leave the relationship.

This thread is baffling to me. The OP's partner is shit and selfish in bed but that's OK because she used a term that some disagree with.

Is it because so many others put up with quick rough sex, so don't want that to be the issue?

Can't say I've ever tolerated quick sex. The first time it happens they are left in no doubt it is not acceptable. I also don't tolerate crap sex. If I am not enjoying sleeping with someone they're kicked to the kerb. Compatible sex expectations are as important to me as compatibility in all other areas of the relationship.

OP have you tried taking more control over sex? Not letting him inside you until you have had enough foreplay, telling him specifically what you want him to do, not making it so easy for him to take things fast, going on top so you control the speed. There's so much you can do surely to slow things down?

Or is the speed not really the main issue? Is it that he leaves you feeling like a wank sock for his porn fantasies because he's not really interested in any kind of connection with you? In which case nothing you do will probably change anything.

On the subject of gas lighting - does it really matter? Why are people making it such a big thing? He thinks it's no big deal and doesn't care that it's a big deal to the OP. Whether you give that the label gas lighting because he's dismissing her feelings and making them invalid or you don't because he's just stating his opinion it still boils down to the same thing - he doesn't really care that she's not happy with their sex life.

Never ask a question you mightn't like the answer to. In this instance you were never go to like it if he was honest.

He's made sex an act which suits him and doesn't suit you. Communicate that sometimes you want it to be more about an emotional connection rather the a quick jump. Tell him he doesn't satisfy you and he may sit up and take notice. It should be more than a quick physical release, but my ex never felt like he was 'making love', it was always just having sex. So I get you.

All the best op