Asked my partner does he get the urge to make love to me

[Mummabear21324]

I basically feel embarrassed to even put this on here however I need others point of view. I asked my partner of 11 years when he’s horny does he ever get the urge to make love to me. Reason I asked this as I always feel he doesn’t make love to me. His reply was “no not really”. I proceeded to tell him my feelings are hurt by that, he then tells me “I’m making a mountain out of a molehill”. I then tell him that’s gaslighting, which he respond “everything is gaslighting”. I love my partner so much but I honestly just feel he completely lacks feelings that I don’t. Help

Didn't say you gaslighted your partner?

🤣

I've not tried to bring you down at all - your replies to everyone have been snipey and repetitive. You asked advice on a public forum and you don't like the answers you've been given. The same way you didn't like your partners answer.
Stop asking questions if you don't want answers or opinions that clash with your own.

Accusing my behaviour of being dangerous is dangerous. The person saying that seems manipulative. Don’t know what peoples motive is with coming for me. In my eyes I am asking a simple question and wondering do others feel this way or is it just me. Don’t know what’s dangerous about that. Hey ho can’t please everyone

Dangerous by continuously accusing someone of abusive behaviour - yes. On this forum, of course not. To say these things in real life? Yes, of course it will damage peoples views of the man.

No I don’t think so. I asked for advice. Have you gave me any advice - absolutely not. You accused me of stating my partner was abusive, which I did not. Stop giving out snide comments to people whom are asking a genuine question and looking for a genuine answer.

🤨

I’m really grateful you are concerned of how it’s making my man feel, although not concerned of how I’m feeling. Thanks 😅

It’s dangerous to put words in peoples mouth. I did not accuse my partner of being abusive. Although keep convincing yourself I did if it make you feel better.

I've given you a genuine answer though - it's just not what you want to hear.
Do you honestly not see how saying your partner has continuously gaslit you, when he hadn't on this occasion, will damage peoples opinions of him? How is that not dangerous?
If you were my friend and you told me your partner continuously gaslit you, I would think he was a complete knob. So you run the very real risk of that with the words you are using to describe a disagreement you've had.
That's what I'm trying to say, and that is advice.

Crikey - I'm out. Genuinely wish you the best and hope you resolve this

Here, you go. Some resources on gaslighting. From actual journals, as opposed to random websites.

All said resources agree that gaslighting is abusive (so if you’re calling your DP a gaslighter, you are calling him an abuser) and deliberate. You cannot accidentally gaslight someone.

www.asanet.org/sites/default/files/attach/journals/oct19asrfeature.pdf?utm_source=mp-fotoscape

www.researchgate.net/publication/327944201_Gaslighting_and_the_knot_theory_of_mind

And an article by someone who actually does have a relevant MSc and an MD, saying the same thing:

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8115954/

I suspect that this will make zero difference and you’ll continue to argue about gaslighting, as opposed to engaging with what’s been said to you.

Gaslighting gets thrown about so easy nowadays

I think my partner would probably say the same, it wouldn't bother me. I know he loves me and I know he loves being intimate with me as I guess your partner does with you so why look for an argument that's not there

Play dumb games, win dumb prizes

You didn't ask a question.

Maybe you could try asking it now, simply.

I think your question to him was confusing - I genuinely didn't know what you meant till I read a few more posts.

If you're not happy with your sex-life you need to tell him, or show him - take more control over your experience. Every time he tries to 'shag' you make him slow right down, take the lead and he'll 'mirror' you - find that connection with him again.

He answered really honestly, I felt the same when my partner told me it. I can only advise you to ask him if he doesn't mind if someone else will want you. Maybe you should talk about open relationships.

I’m in my mid twenties & don’t find people saying making love cringe at all.

We don’t have deep meaningful moments in the bedroom
**
I honestly have no idea what you mean here and can understand why your husband doesn't either.

Instead of attacking him for not being emotional enough, not deep enough, have you tried telling him what it looks like?

For the above "deep meaningful moments" do you mean sexual energy that has built up over the day and is hours spent in bed enjoying yourselves or do you want some romance novel version that never occurs in real life?

He tells her she's making a mountain out of a molehill and she's too sensitive when what she wants is something other than two minutes of him using her body for sex.

I bet he would be pretty passed off if she decided she wasn't going to lie back and think of England for 120 seconds any more. He'd be livid if she told him he was making a mountain out if a molehill and he was too sensitive.

She's dealing with a man who is crap in bed and doesn't see any reason to do better. When she complains, he shuts her down.

You can call it gaslighting or being a selfish and immature twat. Same difference really.. it boils down to him thinking he has the right to use her body for sex and her experience of that doesn't matter to him at all.

OP you need to stop having sex with him.

Then why ask on here? You’ve already decided it’s gas lighting and consider yourself qualified enough to to do so.

You asked him a question, he answered in a blunt way.

He said he loves you. To be honest I think most men have sex, rather than ‘make love’. It’s life, not the movies. Ask him to slow down and look deep into your eyes or cuddle afterwards if you want more focus and affection.

Try an alternate tack of telling him exactly what you want from him in the bedroom that you are not getting now. Tell him that this quick in and out sex is making you feel more like a wank sleeve than a loved partner.

He cannot argue with that or bring gaslighting into it (unless he tries to say that you are deluded and that the "wham bang thank you ma'am" sex you're currently getting, is in fact the sensuous passionate lovemaking you crave, then, yes, gaslighting or he's inherently a bit limited).

If for whatever reason, he cannot bring himself to have sex with you the way you want, then you need to decide if you can tolerate this for the foreseeable future or make plans to leave in the hope of finding someone with whom you are more compatible.

Until that conversation takes place, I'm not sure that pondering over whether or not you are being mildly gaslight or not is all that helpful in resolving the issue you have with the lack of intimacy in your sex life.

You sound like one of those people that has studied something and then tries to apply their knowledge of that subject to every area of their life. It’s tiresome and can sometimes come across as belittling. You must be exhausting to live with.

Having been on the receiving end of protracted, sensual "lovemaking" sessions... I'll never pass on a good old shag again.
I hope no one feels gaslit.

You like different things in bed, OP.
Dunno how that's come to light 11 years in.

OP your partner is a crap lover. And he minimised what you were saying and shut you down. That is not what a partner does. Rough sex only is a v bad habit to get into, your emotional needs are not being met.

My relationship has all sorts of sex because we both care for each other and communicate and listen to each other. It makes us both feel loved and fancied. In your shoes, the conversation you had with him would feel like a deal breaker as I would start to feel very used.

Maybe rethink your wording and try again but if you get the same response stop shagging him. It is making you feel shit.

Those of you arguing about the semantics are being aresholes.

OP does your DP watch a lot of porn? He seems conditioned.

It sounds as though you feel as though your partner doesn't make love to you with warmth and emotional connection that you desire and when you ask him he confirms what you suspect- he has no interest in, or intention of making love to you, and then he shuts down the conversation and makes you the problem by telling you that you are 'too sensitive', which indicates he has no interest in understanding you or trying to please you, in bed or otherwise.

If his response is typically like what you've described, trying to communicate with him probable isn't going to get you far and he is unlikely to change. That may take some grieving to accept.