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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Where is ChopinandChampagne? LB update?

1000 replies

gianfrancogorgonzola · 07/11/2022 12:34

Really hope you see this C&C, I was following your other threads (name change a lot) and wanted to check in to see how you are.

🙏🏼

OP posts:
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5
billy1966 · 15/03/2023 09:13

EarringsandLipstick · 15/03/2023 07:07

Lovely to hear your update @ChopinanChampagne

It sounds like a wonderful break, that has given you a 'mental' break from all your worries and provided some clarity.

I'm a bit 🤔 about DD1 / ASD as regardless, it's no excuse for her behaviour in any way.

Great news about France!

All of this!

So pleased about France, the relief🙏.

Delighted to read the new therapist is a positive reasonable support.

Bask in the benefits of a good holiday for as long as you can.

DrivingAllDay · 15/03/2023 09:22

I even thought of saying to DD1 that DD2 had recently had a diagnosis, along with DD3; that it runs in families; that it explained a lot of things; that I wanted to be more understanding. But how to word this sympathetically and tactfully, as it has the potential to massively backfire? Probably best left alone for now.

Best left alone for now and for ever!

Glad you had a good holiday.

tribpot · 15/03/2023 09:37

Sounds like, just as with your Egypt holiday, you feel refreshed and able to enjoy life again. Clearly the solution here is to be permanently on holiday! I hope you've got another one booked?

Excellent news about the house, that is a huge relief. But I really would advise you to say nothing to any of the girls about the house sale, just get it done and put the money away quietly. Any whiff of a payout and you will be straight back into another cycle of emotional abuse.

The new therapist sounds good, focus on strategies to make sure you don't get sucked back into the despair now you're home.

Newestname002 · 15/03/2023 11:14

Welcome home, dear @ChopinanChampagne! I'm so glad you've had such a mentally and physically rejuvenating holiday - and am so pleased you met and talked with such good people, who've helped you feel, perhaps, stronger, calmer and a little less alone. 🌹

LittlePearl · 15/03/2023 12:41

Welcome home @ChopinanChampagne it's good to hear your news.

What a very fortuitous meeting with the widow you mention. It's strange how these chance encounters can be so significant, if not inspirational. I'm sure that you, in turn, will inspire others with your dignity and courage.

FWIW, while I know you have a warm relationship with your first therapist I really feel she's out of her depth in terms of the complicated dynamics of your relationship with DD1 and LB.

Some of the things she has suggested sound much more like an anxious mother speaking to another anxious mother than a person experienced in identifying toxic patterns of relating, manipulation and control.

I'm relieved you have started with someone else and hope you will resist the temptation to self-flagellate and offer olive branches to DD1. I am convinced it won't achieve anything to keep chasing and apologising. Besides which, I don't believe you have anything to apologise for.

LadyEloise1 · 15/03/2023 14:13

Welcome back @ChopinandChampagne.
Glad you had a lovely break.
Oz and NZ are on my bucket list.

I second @tribpot advice re saying nothing about the house sale. LB and DD1 will sniff out there's money and as tripot says the cycle of emotional abuse will start again.
Glad you gave a better therapist.

IScreamAtMichaelangelos · 15/03/2023 20:58

How wonderful about the French property! That must be such a relief. Mention it to none of them and sell the bugger as quickly as you can 😂

Another who thinks it is not worth mentioning your other DDs diagnosis to DD1 - apart from anything else, it is up to her to decide if she wants her sister to know (it doesn't sound like they are that close tbh). Also, even if she accepted it, it could end up as another stick for LB to use to control her ("You're autistic so you clearly can't look after yourself, you need me").

Ooompaloopa · 16/03/2023 19:25

Did you send any postcards or birthday cards since the pre Christmas issue?

What do you think will be the next contact? Is it just a one way street from you to the DGC on birthdays? Or will you send your DD1 and LB birthday cards?

Do you expect contact back for your birthday or Mother’s Day?

legofrostqueen · 17/03/2023 07:44

So pleased that your holiday was good, always nice to meet a kindred spirit. That's great news about the French property too. All positive stuff Flowers

Ooompaloopa · 20/03/2023 17:24

@ChopinanChampagne I hope that you had a wonderful well deserved Mother’s Day.

ChopinanChampagne · 22/03/2023 09:18

Thank you for all of your kind and supportive messages. Yes, I will just carry on with hopefully selling the French property. I have just been preparing the information for my French tax return, so that's something I won't miss!🙈

I agree that it would be wrong for me to disclose any private information about DD2 to DD1 and, upon reflection, it was a silly idea.

Yes, I had a lovely Mother's Day with cards and flowers and chocolates, but nothing from DD1, and further over layered with sadness about DH not being there, as he always got me a card and made me feel special.

I didn't let these sad feelings show, but couldn't help but reflect upon the joy when DD1 was born, the sheer happiness, how she grew within me, how she suckled, her first steps, words etc, so many memories. and the yearning was and remains intense. Not all the time, but in waves, and they can knock me sideways even when I think I'm doing ok and often when I least expect it.

I don't think that the umbilical cord can ever really be severed, even if it sometimes seems so.

OilyHomer · 24/03/2023 15:54

Stay strong Chopin

I went NC with all my siblings after years of being treated like an ATM, and only being remembered when I was useful

We are both worth more

ChopinanChampagne · 26/03/2023 13:51

Thank you OilyHomer. I am doing my best. I had a beautiful dream about DD1 last night where we spent time together and loved each other. It was joyful but then, sadly, I awoke. Thinking of you and you are right, we are worth more 💐

strawberry2017 · 14/04/2023 11:54

ChopinanChampagne · 26/03/2023 13:51

Thank you OilyHomer. I am doing my best. I had a beautiful dream about DD1 last night where we spent time together and loved each other. It was joyful but then, sadly, I awoke. Thinking of you and you are right, we are worth more 💐

How are you @ChopinanChampagne

ChopinandChampagne · 15/04/2023 12:25

I am ok strawberry2017, thank you for asking.

No change with DD1, no contact, still blocked, no Mother's Day card or message, but I wasn't expecting anything, to be honest.

I did send an Easter card, the same as I sent to all DDs, saying Happy Easter to a special daughter, wishing Easter miracles and the joys of Spring etc, also with a message saying that I was sorry that I had hurt her, in a very bad place then because I loved and missed DH so much, near to date of losing him, Christmas etc, but I loved her very much and was in a much better place emotionally now, and I sent love to LB and the children. I sent an email in similar terms at the same time, forwarding a photo of the two of us, when we were close and happy, because it flashed up on my 'phone for the day, even though it is an old photo. I just acted on impulse really.

I had a lovely Easter text message from LB's parents, asking how I was, wishing me well etc. I had lost their contact details along with my old 'phone, which I lost in Australia when I visited earlier this year, so I was pleased to hear from them. They sounded quite 'down', although I don't think that they messaged to say so. I just read 'between the lines'.

Their DD is getting married in a couple of weeks but LB is going alone, leaving DD1 and the DGC at home 'to look after the property and the animals', which they are a bit upset about. They have not seen LB or DD1 or the DGC for 10 months and they really miss the DGC. They had been on holiday earlier in the year, as they had been feeling quite 'low'. So the items which I posted to them for DD1 and LB, including Christmas presents, have not yet been delivered, although DD1 asked them to post DGD2's slippers, which they did. I think that they are incredibly hurt at the rejection, so are now feeling empathetic towards me, and I do feel very sorry for them, as I know only too well what they are going through.

Anyway, I am coping and, in some ways, it is easier, because I was finding some of the contact a bit overwhelming, as you know. It went from famine to feast and now it's back to famine again.

On a more positive note, I went to France a few weeks ago, for the tenant to hand over the keys to the property. On the first day, after I had met with a local estate agent to discuss instructing them in the sale of the property, I felt drawn to have lunch in a restaurant, one which I never visit (I was on my way to the creperie, which is my favourite place to eat). Just as I was finishing my meal, two men, father and son, were seated at the table next to me, and we exchanged a few pleasantries. They asked me if I were skiing and I said no, I am here to sell my chalet. By an amazing coincidence, they were in the resort to look for a holiday home for the family. They subsequently came and viewed my property and fell in love with it and wanted to buy it. So, 🤞the sale is now in the hands of the notaire. The name of the restaurant is the 'pet name' I had for DH, as in it was the name I called him by, sent cards addressed to that name, and it was our password for websites etc......!!!!!

Billybagpuss · 15/04/2023 12:30

That’s a great update chopin and getting the French property sorted will be a massive weight off your mind.

At least when it’s famine you are not constantly worrying about saying the wrong thing and second guessing every little sentence out of your mouth, or pen

billy1966 · 15/04/2023 15:38

What a lovely happy coincidence.
Your buyers must be so chuffed to have found a property so easily.

I agree with @Billybagpuss enjoy the famine, the feast invariably brings such pain to you.

LB's visit to his parents kills two birds with one stone.
Gives him a nice little jolly on his own, whilst causing pain to his parents and throws shade on his sisters wedding.
What a prize he is.

I so hope his sister gets pregnant quickly and provides a distraction for his parents.

Stay strong and try and enjoy those that bring you joy and peace.

LadyEloise1 · 15/04/2023 18:06

That's lovely re the French house @ChopinandChampagne - your dh watching out for you.

Wherearemymarbles · 15/04/2023 18:32

Great news on the Chalet!
Please avoid the temptation to drop it in a letter to DD1 anytime soon as you know the begging bowl will be out again.

strawberry2017 · 15/04/2023 19:09

That's amazing news about the house! I'm so happy for you, it was obviously meant to be!
Please don't always apologise to your DD1, you really don't need to. You have given nothing but love and compassion to her. 💖

RandomMess · 15/04/2023 20:03
Flowers
Ooompaloopa · 16/04/2023 00:05

Is LB like one of his parents?

Do they share his extreme politics / lifestyle choices? Does either of them have the same fragile ego?

Or is there some family background of trauma / MH / PD?

I understand that that you have sympathy for them if they are now ‘cut off’ - but they didn’t look out for you or your DH when they were celebrating your DD1 marriage and birth if DGD without your knowledge. They haven’t suffered the same trauma as you by a long shot. Things are obviously not that broken with his family if he is attending the wedding.

I would be careful with his parents.

I wonder if you will hear from DD1 when she is home alone with the DCs when he is away at the wedding?

Would you consider popping over for a surprise visit when he was away?

tribpot · 16/04/2023 06:16

I don't think Chopin should do anything that LB can later use against her, like visiting when he's absent - which will prove the 'problem' is that Chopin dislikes him. Furthermore Chopin going against the exact wishes of DD1 has often been the cause of conflict.

IScreamAtMichaelangelos · 16/04/2023 07:28

That is lovely news on the chalet Chopin. It must be comforting to feel like your DH is around and helping the situation however he can.

LadyEloise1 · 16/04/2023 09:28

I agree with @strawberry2017.
Please please stop apologising to DD1.
You did nothing wrong.
You are trying to appease her and probably making LB very happy in the process. He's got you where he wants you. Don't give him ( or her ) that power.

Also wise words from @Ooompaloopa re :
Be wary of his parents.
They don't need your sympathy.
Where was their sympathy for you when you missed out on DD1's wedding and the birth of your first gc ?
They fell hook, line and sinker for whatever's story DD1 and LB fed them re DD1's estrangement from you and your beloved dh.
They are probably wary of you.

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