Good morning everyone (and good afternoon to Sandgroper, who is much cuter than her namesake!).
Sorry to not have updated for a while, but it was a long way home, and there was lots to catch up with when I got back. I had a wonderful holiday and am now much calmer and on an even keel, where I am determined to stay, as I am terrified of falling back into that big black pit, which I stumbled into before Christmas. I feel like someone who is out on parole, cautious but free - within limitations - and terrified of being sent back inside if I breach my conditions. I have had a session with my new therapist and we are going to look at strategies to help me from sliding back.
I also met some lovely people on holiday,(including Sandgroper, of course) but also a widow, older than me, very much a free spirit and travelling the world, but who still suffers from grief after 17 years. She is very sensible, resilient, down to earth, gets on with things, great sense of humour, but understands how loss can fell the strongest person. She explained how, for the first two years, she was wary when catching a tube, and had to fix herself to the back wall of the station when the train came in, as she feared she might jump. She stayed alive for her children.
So much of what she said resonated with me - I too have felt those strong impulses but, apart from wanting to be here for my DDs, I also wouldn't want to disrupt the lives of people going about their everyday business, and I know how devastating it can be for the train driver.
Sorry, that sounded unduly maudlin. I just meant that she helped me because she gave me hope; even though she still has days where she is totally debilitated, mostly she is happy, living life to the full, for her and for her DH. She also made me feel 'normal', encouraged me and said I was doing very well, whereas sometimes I feel that for some people they regard grief as having a 'sell by date'.
I have had a lot of time to think whilst I was away. The more I think about it, a diagnosis of ASD explains so much of DD1's behaviour. Thank you StalkedByASpider (fabulous user name!) for your incredibly helpful comments, which really resonated with me, and for your advice. Part of me does want to just apologise and try to recover some sort of relationship, but hopefully from a stronger position of understanding - this is what the 'old' therapist is suggesting, as she thinks that DD1 will not get in touch otherwise. On the other hand, as you say, this does make me into the 'bad person' again, and I don't feel that I can deal with any more rejection at present. The thought of that pit is terrifying. My new therapist is helpful in making me feel that it was ok to get upset with DD1, given the history, so I am being kinder and more forgiving towards myself.
RandomMess - thank you for sharing this. Have you had your diagnosis yet?
IScreamAtMichaelangelos - thank you so much for your supportive comments. Another fabulous user name!
TimeForThunder- thank you. Yes, I do feel a greater understanding, which hopefully will enable me to deal with things better going forward. I even thought of saying to DD1 that DD2 had recently had a diagnosis, along with DD3; that it runs in families; that it explained a lot of things; that I wanted to be more understanding. But how to word this sympathetically and tactfully, as it has the potential to massively backfire? Probably best left alone for now. However, she has questioned herself on occasions, was diagnosed with OCD - apparently often a misdiagnosis of ASD in women - and even suspected that she might be bipolar. The 'meltdowns' early on in the relationship with LB, as I now believe this is what they were, are explained by this, as are so many other aspects of her behaviour. Which isn't to say that she doesn't have a 'mean streak' because she definitely does, although it's probably more a matter of casual 'cruelty'/lack of empathy.
On a more positive note, I have heard from the new Notaire that they are satisfied that the French property has passed to me under the terms of DH's will, so they are going to draw up the relevant paperwork to deal with this, which will facilitate any sale. This is such a relief! I do want to use some of the sale proceeds to help my DDs, but I would have felt terrible and it could have caused so much ill feeling, if the forced heirship rules had been potentially applicable, and they were to effectively be asked to give something up (even if they weren't entitled to it in the first place). I can just imagine what LB's approach would have been. Fortunately, however, now I don't need to worry, I just need to find a buyer, and will instruct agents at the end of the ski season! 😃