Where is ChopinandChampagne? LB update?

[gianfrancogorgonzola]

Really hope you see this C&C, I was following your other threads (name change a lot) and wanted to check in to see how you are.

🙏🏼

Thank you so much everyone for the wonderful advice and for taking the time to post, when I am sure that you that you all have busy lives. I was feeling at such a low ebb when I last posted and you really helped me and made me feel better about myself.

I am sorry not to have replied for a while, but I have been mulling things over and processing all that has happened, and thinking about all that you have said. I had got to the stage where I didn't feel confident enough to make any decisions on my own, so I can't tell you how comforting it is that people, whom I've never met, are prepared to spend time giving me the benefit of their collective and objective wisdom.

I have always thought that, when unsure about a situation, it is better to do nothing. I remember someone on one of my previous thread saids that doing nothing can be effective. Similarly, a senior colleague and mentor whom I admired enormously, once said to me that silence can be very powerful. So that is what I have said and done, nothing. Despite the intensity of my feelings, I actually don't have anything to say. I said it all, it just came out in an angry tirade, which probably made me sound mad and bitter and hostile. And, now that it is out, it cannot go back, it cannot be unsaid, it is done.

Last night I dreamt of my granddaughter, the second one, we were running along the beach and she was smiling up at me with her lovely, trusting face. It was like the dreams I sometimes have of my husband, where everything is sunny and happy and perfect, a garden of Eden without any serpents. It was joyful and, when I woke, I felt so happy. And I thought that it's like another bereavement, I must preserve the joy and purity of the love in my heart and shun the ugly, the bad and the painful. Maybe it is safer to live in the past, within those happy memories which cannot be damaged, so long as I preserve them and keep them close and secret.

I had a session with my new therapist on Monday and was describing all that has happened with DD1. Telling the tale from the beginning to someone independent was quite therapeutic, as I recalled details which I had almost forgotten. She was very empathetic and understanding and I think she will be able to help me, going forward. She thinks I am suffering from trauma, although she did not say this lightly, as she seems very well informed. She has recommended some breathing exercises to regulate my thoughts and emotions, as I was beginning to talk very fast and become emotional as I described the sequence of events. I needed to consciously just slow down.

I am inclined to agree that my other therapist, although kind and lovely, is not really helping at present. I think that she has probably come back to work when she is not really well enough and, also, it sometimes seems that she relies on me more than I rely on her. The last session we spent a big chunk of time talking about her problems, which I actually don't mind, as it makes me feel useful and stops me being quite so self absorbed, but it doesn't help me to address my own issues.

Anyway, I have not apologised to DD1 or contacted her at all. I don't know how you can love someone so much and yet have nothing to say. My emotions are spent. I am like a wrung out rag, and I suspect that she feels the same. Instead of being a source of love and support to her, I am a cause of pain and discord. How complex and difficult are human relationships.

I fly to Australia tomorrow (Sunday) at 10pm via Dubai. I am planning to send a card to the DGC, maybe with a picture of a kangaroo or Koala bear, which they might like. I could send one to DD1 but I am not sure what message I could send other than saying that I love you.

Good to see you are doing well @ChopinandChampagne. I hope you have a wonderful trip. I do think you should try and throw yourself into your adventure rather than worry about sending postcards to your DD. Although it would be natural for a Grandmother to send such a postcard to DGC,given the dynamic created by your DD and LB, I’d be concerned that your actions, however well intended might be construed as obtrusive and not respecting ‘the boundaries’. You are not in a normal situation sadly.

Might you consider setting up an email account for both your DGC and your DD1 in which you write emails you would’ve sent to both but send to yourself instead? If the time comes and they are free of LB you can show them the account and they will know they were loved and thought about every day/week/etc? It might also help you cope with the restless nights or times when you are feeling lonely/bereft without them in your life? I do feel for you, it must be so very hard.

Wishing you a lovely trip

Have a great trip Chopin I think it's coming at just the right time

(I'm glad you've had that realisation about your therapist, and that you have a good, new person. Her advice wasn't good but you have someone else more suitable to work with.)

Postcard to the DGC is a lovely idea - do that!

@ChopinandChampagne this jumped out at me from your post

"......Instead of being a source of love and support to her, I am a cause of pain and discord...."

Please stop.

It's not you.

It's them - LB and DD1.

Remember that and have a lovely holiday. How exciting. I've never been to Australia or New Zealand, they are on my bucket list.

Send a postcard but not from Dubai on your way out - a bit too “look at me”!

Thank you so much for the good wishes for my trip. I have just checked in on line, so I am feeling excited now, although obviously wish that DH were coming with me. I think it has come at just the right time for me, hopefully - often I find that being in neutral territory helps me think more clearly and gives me better perspective - and I have always wanted to visit Aus/NZ, it was just too far to go when we were working.

Netaporter - I don't believe that there is a boundary in place to prevent me from sending cards. I don't intend to angst over it, just to maintain light contact and to let them know that they are in my thoughts, in a positive way. I didn't interpret the rift as a final break, although I could be wrong. But for LB, I believe that DD1 and I would have resolved matters. I get that she has collaborated with LB but she has also suffered in losing people that she held dear, such as her father, grandmother, sisters and friends.

Findwen - I love the Richelieu quote, very apt!

DoristheDuchess - you have summarised the position perfectly. Grief is not linear and sometimes I feel that I am making progress and at other times it feels worse than ever. DH was the proverbial 'rock', brilliant but modest, calm but kind, he was...just...there, and we all leant on him and relied on him in ways that we didn't fully appreciate until we lost him. Life now is like a dish which is missing the the main ingredient; it just doesn't taste right, look right, smell right; it isn't right.

Flipthefrugal - you make some very interesting points. DH's death has changed the total family dynamic. I know, deep down, that it's not fixable right now, although I do regret ripping off the sticking plaster which was holding together the gaping wound, if only for the sake of my own mental health and having some sort of contact with DD1 and the DGC. By the time I see them again, if I ever do, they will all have passed important milestones which I will have missed, and DD1 will have lost the opportunity to share them.

Wherearemymarbles (brilliant user name 😂), LadyEloise1, and billy1966 - thank you for your amazingly supportive posts, as ever.

sandranista - I think that you are right in saying that my mind focuses on LB and DD1 when I have too much time to think. One of the perils of living alone, I suppose (apart from my dog and cat!).

ShockedAndAwake - you are right, I shouldn't have bought the crosses, based on previous experience with gifts. I was on holiday, I was happy, I dropped my guard, I wanted to buy them something special for their baptism, I forgot 'the rules'. Mea culpa. Suffice to say that I will not be buying any other gifts for a very long time.

Trampolne11 - you are spot on, they reject gifts as being too extravagant, but ask for large sums of money instead, far more than the value of any gifts. This conveys to me the message that they don't want anything personal, or that I have put any love or thought into - they just want hard cash

BorsetshireBanality - I am just changing planes at Dubai, so certainly no time to send a postcard, even if I wanted to 🤣.

Thank you again to everyone for your support on this thread and on previous threads. It has been so helpful in seeing other points of view when my mind climbs onto the merry go round.

@ChopinandChampagne Never underestimate the power of a good silence. It may benefit you more that whoever it’s directed at but a good silence is a bloody good thing.

I reiterate my invitation to catch up when you are in Perth, should it suit you to. You can Direct Mail me at the top of the page under My Mumsnet. Safe travels. Live in the moment. Enjoy yourself.

Thanks TheSandgroper. I have PM'd you. It would be great to catch up in Perth, although I am only there for one day X

I really wish you a wonderful trip.

It is a wonderful opportunity.

Stick with silence and commit to enjoying the holidày and taking a break from the worry and stress.

This is such a lovely trip, don't spoil it by stressing about them, you will regret that.

Let the holiday be a Lobsterboy free zone where you recharge as much as possible and deal with your emotions when you return.

A Lobsterboy free holiday is well and truly overdue to you.

We know that your husband would want that for you.

Safe journey.

Have a great trip Chopin.
as Confucius on once said:
Silence is a true friend that never betrays

Have an amazing trip. They are beautiful countries.

I just wanted to pick up on something you said "I do regret ripping off the sticking plaster which was holding together the gaping wound, if only for the sake of my own mental health and having some sort of contact with DD1 and the DGC."

Again, you are seeking to blame yourself here. You didn't rip off anything. It was inevitable, it was just a matter of time. You could have acted perfectly, said nothing and they still would have found an excuse to fall out with you/have a go at you. That's how it is with them both. It always is. They use the DGC to hurt you.

Please stop blaming yourself for saying something. You did nothing wrong.

Have an amazing trip @ChopinandChampagne you deserve to enjoy all the beautiful things in life x

Thank you everyone. Trust me, I will not let it spoil my holiday. The only LB I want to see is a dead one, on a plate, with a side of chips! 😂

We hear you and concur🤣

Wishing you an exciting and interesting holiday and hope you return with peace in your heart

Have a wonderful trip

Was looking for updates from you Chopin though I'm sorry to see LB and your dd are playing the same old games. So much good advice here and 'drop the rope' is the best overarching principle to follow.

Your trip down under will be wonderful. I've been myself and Australia is a great place for getting out and about in lovely weather, enjoying delicious seafood, food generally and wine, and relaxing. In my experience, most Australians would have no time for LB and his stuck up, self obsessed, precious ways, so take comfort from how dislikeable they would find him, and approach the trip as me time and healing time for you.

The French property issue can be parked till you return, but like other posters, I think the best approach here would be to avoid involving them at all, and not even mentioning it to your daughter or LB. Absolutely no good can come of it. LB will relish any prospect of being 'owed' anything by you, and being able to say (again) how unkind you are being. You've already given them the equivalent, and probably much more,
already so it isn't unfair. You've said buyers like to have assurance there won't be disputes in the future, but there are surely ways to offset that - I would look at finding another notary who will make this happen, and/or drop the price as incentive to buyers to take the risk. Myself, I would accept a lower amount for the property in return for knowing that whatever you do get, can just be split between Dd2 and dd3, without opening up the chance for any more hurt and cruelty from LB. Something to mull over when you return.

For now, have a fabulous trip and treat it as 'time off' from dealing with them. You've earned it.

It’s great that you have recognised that getting yourself immersed into different spaces frees you of the turmoil - do more of that.

Have a great trip.

Yes, agree, exactly as said by Spider:

Absolutely no "apology" for being wrong, or for saying what you did. But a card that says "I'm sorry we don't always agree, but it doesn't mean I love you any less. I'm always here if you ever want to get in contact".

It's sort of an olive branch that might make you feel better, but doesn't apologise because I don't feel that would be a healthy step forward.

I hope @ChopinandChampagne is having a great holiday.

Me too. I think of her often and hope that all is well.

Me too.

She has been to Bondi.😁