Page 31 | Where is ChopinandChampagne? LB update?

gianfrancogorgonzola · 2022-11-07T12:34:15+00:00

Really hope you see this C&C, I was following your other threads (name change a lot) and wanted to check in to see how you are. 🙏🏼

whathappenedthere · 29/01/2023 14:04

ShockedAndAwake · 29/01/2023 12:15

@Ogonek Not sure what the 'Hmm' means tbh. I know the Daughter happily accepts gifts and money from the OP and I know they are massive hypocrites etc but they have been clear they didn't want the OP to buy frivolous gifts and the OP has ignored that. I "think" she has done it in the past too but I can't remember for sure. I can see that would be something that would be annoying to them and would be something that lobster boy would use to his advantage.

I understand why the OP bought the gold crosses but it was thoughtless.

you are misunderstanding the dynamics of abuse. claiming gifts are unwanted or 'wrong' is a form of punishment and control.

if C&C wouldn't have sent "wrong" gifts, the punishment would have been about a random word she used. or the time of day she would have called. or addressing LB in a card. or ignoring LB in a card. thats the whole point of this dynamic - WHATEVER C&C does, an abuser can, if they want, always find a reason to unleash punishment.

Ogonek · 29/01/2023 14:18

We’ve been through the whole dynamic of LB and Chopin’s DD using the crosses as a way of making her feel bad (and before that, the pyjamas that were ‘synthetic’, and so on and so forth - plus other examples), while other generous gifts were OK, so there’s not much point in rehashing it all, @ShockedAndAwake. We clearly disagree on this.

StalkedByASpider · 29/01/2023 14:34

RandomMess · 29/01/2023 09:43

I'm torn about apologising, my ONLY reason for it would be in the hope that she ever leaves she would reach back out. So it would be a "sorry that we don't see eye to eye on things and are able to get one please know that I will always love you and will be here if you need me" let her read what she wants into it.

She comes for money for them in their life choice, nope. She and the kids come to you needing a temporary roof over the heads yes.

But you need to do KNOWING that you have done nothing wrong and it isn't all your fault, never was.

So sorry about your DDog we had lots of worries about holidays and time away from home with our elderly cat in her end years. Hindsight is wonderful but we should have worried less because whenever it does happen and wherever you are the grief is just as painful

I was horrified at the idea of apologising because it will make LB and DD1 feel vindicated that once again Chopin was "in the wrong" and that they were the victims.

However, I do think there's something to be said for trying to keep channels open for the sake of DD1...just in case.

So I think what @RandomMess suggests might be an interesting middle ground.

Absolutely no "apology" for being wrong, or for saying what you did. But a card that says "I'm sorry we don't always agree, but it doesn't mean I love you any less. I'm always here if you ever want to get in contact".

It's sort of an olive branch that might make you feel better, but doesn't apologise because I don't feel that would be a healthy step forward.

Flipthefrugal · 29/01/2023 14:46

The gift giving is loaded on both sides.

LB and DD1 demanding expensive gifts and then discarding/ criticising.
C&C frantically over buying gifts to try to heal and repair the relationship.

I think C&C has dealt with this now and is going to send a nice card for bdays and Christmas.

RandomMess · 29/01/2023 14:48

@StalkedByASpider that's the sort of thing I mean. A sort of non-apology, recognition that their are huge differences of opinion/view and an olive branch to keep channels open.

I can't help thinking of the irony that they don't want to be stupid and a slave to the system yet are eeking out a miserable existence in order to do so

HyggeTygge · 29/01/2023 14:57

So it would be a "sorry that we don't see eye to eye on things and are able to get one please know that I will always love you and will be here if you need me" let her read what she wants into it.

"Oh, you dismiss the incredible hurt you caused me as 'not seeing eye to eye'? Clearly you haven't listened to a word I've said! And you suggest I would NEED you, are you saying I can't rely on LB?"

I think anything you write can be used as a basis for an entirely arbitrary attack by someone who's clearly determined to do so.
Personally I'd just keep quiet. Drop the rope.

Goldpaw · 29/01/2023 15:16

I think anything you write can be used as a basis for an entirely arbitrary attack by someone who's clearly determined to do so.
Personally I'd just keep quiet. Drop the rope.

I completely agree with this.

Lunde · 29/01/2023 15:21

I really think you need a new therapist as her advice on this seems very off. I think your current therapist is well out of her depth, I believe you originally went to her for bereavement support - this does not necessarily translate into her being skilled in therapies regarding difficult family relationships.

TBH I find your therapist rather unprofessional that she is still seeing you as a therapist when you have crossed the boundaries to become friends

ShockedAndAwake · 29/01/2023 15:29

@whathappenedthere
"you are misunderstanding the dynamics of abuse. claiming gifts are unwanted or 'wrong' is a form of punishment and control"

I know that. I know that the daughter and lobster boy are abusive towards the OP. That doesn't mean that the OP didn't make a mistake buying an expensive surprise gift when she had been asked not to in the past.

Trampoline11 · 29/01/2023 15:41

But in a 'normal' relationship, surely she would just say - Oh Mum, you shouldn't have. That is so kind. They're beautiful etc, etc. In this case it seems to be - Mum, don't buy expensive gifts using your own initiative. Buy very expensive items when we ask for them.

I honestly think you've misunderstood this part.

FictionalCharacter · 29/01/2023 15:51

Please @ChopinandChampagne , stop believing YOU have “wrecked everything”.
Plenty of very sensible people here have shown you that all of this is LB’s and DD’s doing. Not a single thing you could do is right in their eyes.
And you haven’t abandoned DD, you are there for her if she wants you. Sadly, at the moment she doesn’t, she’s choosing to stay fully immersed in the nasty little mini-community / cult of LB and the neighbours. One day she might need you, if she ever wakes up, and you will be there.
Giving them endless money and gifts is making it all worse. It serves the dual purpose of funding them to indulge a lifestyle they’re not capable of sustaining- they sound like the most incompetent smallholders ever - and allowing them the twisted satisfaction of manipulating you.
I hope you can find a way to stop blaming yourself. And I hope you ditch the therapist. Is she qualified in anything?! She’s giving you some poor advice.

ShockedAndAwake · 29/01/2023 15:55

Trampoline11 · 29/01/2023 15:41

But in a 'normal' relationship, surely she would just say - Oh Mum, you shouldn't have. That is so kind. They're beautiful etc, etc. In this case it seems to be - Mum, don't buy expensive gifts using your own initiative. Buy very expensive items when we ask for them.

I honestly think you've misunderstood this part.

I haven't misunderstood anything. The OP made a mistake buying the crosses. It's of no surprise that they were the trigger to the latest falling out. (Not that the daughter and LB need an actual reason to behave badly🫤)
I know in a normal healthy relationship buying unwanted gifts shouldn't be a problem but this isnt a normal relationship is it. Saying that the OP made a mistake in buying an expensive gift doesn't mean I think it's her fault that her daughter and LB are behaving so nastily.

Goldpaw · 29/01/2023 16:33

Lunde · 29/01/2023 15:21

I really think you need a new therapist as her advice on this seems very off. I think your current therapist is well out of her depth, I believe you originally went to her for bereavement support - this does not necessarily translate into her being skilled in therapies regarding difficult family relationships.

TBH I find your therapist rather unprofessional that she is still seeing you as a therapist when you have crossed the boundaries to become friends

Could this woman actually be a bereavement counsellor in that case and not a therapist at all.

Therapy and counselling are very different, and like I said earlier I think a qualified psychotherapist would be helpful who works with you using a specific therapeutic model to unpick the abusive nature of the relationship between you, your daughter, and LB.

I agree she's being very unprofessional whatever she is.

REignbow · 29/01/2023 16:36

Why do you feel you should apologise?

You justifiably pointed out some truths to her. They were quite okay with you buying expensive baby clothes etc and bringing them over when you visited. However, they had issue when you kindly pointed out that carrying fFOUR suitcases would be really difficult! She then cancelled your visit (at a cost to you) after having a tantrum and then wrote those awful messages to you. They have money and can afford to pay the duty. They can afford to buy a cow/wood burner. The fact is they don’t want to. They want to bleed you dry and use the DGC and push/pull behaviours to keep you where they want you.

I agree with PP drop the rope and enjoy your holiday. Put more focus on your other daughters etc. Also, find another therapist.

sandranista · 29/01/2023 16:58

No no no no no apologising.

I expect you feel particularly down when things are going well and you have a quiet moment in your life. Your mind finds something to worry about and it naturally focuses on your daughter and LB. You have nothing to apologise for. You're doing really well, your last interaction sending the items was perfect.

Wherearemymarbles · 29/01/2023 16:59

I know you like your therapist but she is out of her depth. You have nothing to apologise for and nor should you and …the adult thing to do… is for your daughter to apologise. As you have said she has never apologised for anything in her life.

if i got cross every time my mum said something I’d didnt like I would have been NC for the last 35 years!

your daughter knows you love her. You dont need to tell her in a letter
she knows if she left lb she’d have flights to the uk and a house bought for her

stop blaming yourself, leave them be and get on with your life. Unpalatable as it may seem DD1 and LB are probably a good match for each other

OldFan · 29/01/2023 17:12

^I get a bit confused with everything that has gone on but I think you've ignored their requests not to buy big gifts in the past too.
You are clearly not the villian in this and your daughter and LB are truly awful people but I think I might apologise or at least acknowledge that you went against their wishes by buying that gift.^

@ShockedAndAwake As other PP's said, you've got the wrong end of the stick here. They didn't say they didn't want big surprise gifts, it's maybe that they want money spent on the ridiculously expensive gifts they ask for IDK. A pendant each or whatever is not a large gift. I think it was only after she gave them these relatively inexpensive gifts of jewellery that they were weird about them. She thought she was getting something they would like. She's not psychic and most people would find it hard to be aware of all LB's random rules at once.

SquishyGloopyBum · 29/01/2023 17:40

You keep going around in circles on this. You keep trying to blame yourself for that phone call. But from what you have told us about it, you said nothing that wasn't true.

I think you want to blame yourself for this as a way of trying to make sense of it. If it's your fault then it's easier to control.

Please don't apologise to them. It will feed right into their hands.

If you must, send a breezy postcard. Nothing else.

OldFan · 29/01/2023 18:49

I'm a Catholic convert and also watch a lot of fundie Protestant stuff on Youtube, so I can imagine why some hardcore types like LB wouldn't like something like an ankh/Coptic cross. But I think most people would have no idea why it'd be a problem, or like C&C would think it would be received positively.

IloveJudgeJudy · 29/01/2023 20:10

I have followed your story from the very beginning, C&C, but never commented. I do feel I have to say that you need for your own peace of mind to stop blaming yourself for the latest bust up. You will always be on the back foot with DD1 and LB. Whatever you do will always be wrong. This is how they like to play with your emotions. I don't think you will ever be able to appreciate just how much of a game it is to them and I say 'them' advisedly as you have lately revealed more and more of your DD's prior behaviour starting from many years ago.

Unfortunately, the combination of DD1 and LB together is a toxic one and you won't be able to neutralise the toxicity.

Please don't communicate with them further in any way, apart from sending the DGC birthday cards only with the shortest of greetings inside. You know that your words can be twisted against you so the fewer you use, the lower the chance of that.

Please enjoy your Australian adventure and your other two DDs who do need and want you.

sixfoot · 02/02/2023 03:47

Don’t apologise, you haven’t done anything wrong!! Drop the rope. X

TheSingingBean · 02/02/2023 21:32

SquishyGloopyBum · 29/01/2023 17:40

You keep going around in circles on this. You keep trying to blame yourself for that phone call. But from what you have told us about it, you said nothing that wasn't true.

I think you want to blame yourself for this as a way of trying to make sense of it. If it's your fault then it's easier to control.

Please don't apologise to them. It will feed right into their hands.

If you must, send a breezy postcard. Nothing else.

This, exactly.

I'm sorry Chopin but I think your therapist has gravely misunderstood what's going on with your daughter and LB. To suggest you apologise is terrible advice.

Trampoline11 · 03/02/2023 09:23

Hi@ChopinandChampagne I'm not sure when you're going away but just wanted to wish you well and hope you have a wonderful time!

Findwen · 03/02/2023 15:50

"If you give me six lines written by the hand of the most honest of men, I will find something in them which will hang him."

-- Cardinal Richelieu (or perhaps LB)

legofrostqueen · 03/02/2023 21:29

Hope you have the relaxing break that you so deserve @ChopinandChampagne