gianfrancogorgonzola - thank you for your post and also for starting this thread, which came at just the right time and is helping me a lot. I would not have started another thread myself, as I feel that I have taken so much of everybody's time already, but I am incredibly grateful for all of the advice and support received.
Flipthefrugal - Thank you for your helpful post and sorry to take time in replying, but my head has been all over the place. I read about triangulation, as you suggested. I am not sure whether or not that is the case on this occasion. I do think that they need to be divided against a common enemy but, as it happens, I think that this had become LB's DP, which DD1 was pleased about.
All DD has ever wanted is for LB and her family to love each other and she was so looking forward to my visit before Christmas. She really thought that LB had come round to me and that the past was forgotten, that we were all going to have a happy Christmas meal together, but then it was shattered, by me. She loved her family before she met LB whereas I am not at all sure that he does love his family. He doesn't seem to have any contact with his sister and obviously wants minimal contact with his DP. He has no friends whatsoever, whereas DD used to be popular and had some lovely friends of many years standing, who would have been lifelong friends.
However, I do agree that I have been trying to 'rescue' her instead of standing back, as I know I must do and should have done so earlier. By having tried too hard I have become too involved, too vulnerable and, ultimately, too hurt. There is a lesson for me there to learn here, but unfortunately may have come a the expense of salvaging some sort of relationship with DD1 and my DGC. I kept walking on eggshells and bottling things up, until a relatively small thing became the last straw.
Despite all of the ruminations in my head and mental drafting of letters etc, I have not sent anything and I am currently intending to take the advice on this thread and just send a birthday card to DGS next week, with love from Granny, and leave it at that. Anything else would be a hostage to fortune/mistake and what is there to say anyway. But I am sorry that I upset DD1 so much - and I did really upset her, I was very nasty - what can I say but sorry. That's the only thing I might say, that I am sorry, that I was mad with grief - which is true - but that I did not mean or want to hurt her. Also, maybe to acknowledge that she has tried hard to fix things, which she has, but to say that I have also tried too.
Insofar as LB's DP are concerned, that was easy. I just sent a short reply to their latest message saying I thought it was a great idea to visit the Giant's Causeway en route to LB/DD, that I had always wanted to go, and they should send me some photos.
RandomMess- that is what I am afraid of, that she will now just shut me away in the closed box too, in order to avoid conflict. She looked really ill and distressed after the telephone conversation we had, and said she felt really ill and needed to be well in order to look after the DGC. And I have felt ill too and very low in spirits. I just wish we could go back to how we were, with some messages and FaceTime and with the occasional visit, to know she's ok and for her to have someone in her life other than LB. She has no support whatsoever. I am her mother and I should be there to support her rather than upsetting her, which I did. I can't see her leaving him, as his control is now so great. I was the only other person with any influence and now I have been removed or, rather, I have removed myself.
tribpot - thank you for your supportive message. I won't be bringing any gifts back from Australia/NZ, unfortunately.
billy1966 - thank you for another wonderful post. I am bound to say that it doesn't feel like 'progress' at present. It perhaps does to LB, but not to me. I feel exhausted, embarrassed, a failure. And I do find this a 'safe space' to express these thoughts(thank you for letting me do so), which can be quite dark, apart from with my therapist. I have now started with the new one and, so far, so good. One helpful thing which she said, and which I know has been said on here already, is how damaging grief can be to family relationships. It took some of the pressure off me in a way, as I have been beating myself up quite badly since falling out with DD1. She was really happy, thinking it was resolved, that we were moving forward, but then I smashed it all, so she thinks I am a victim, stuck in my own version of the past.
However, for me, I always felt an underlying tension when LB was around. He had lowered his guard, so my relationship with DD1 had improved, but it was always at the back of my mind that this could change in an instant, on a whim. DD1 can't see that and I could never have that kind of conversation as she reports everything back to him and I feared that saying anything out of turn, even disagreeing with their weird political views and conspiracy theories, would be used against me. As DD1's physical horizons have shrunk, so have her mental and intellectual horizons, so that she is so different but also so much the same. I don't think she would have the strength to leave him, even if she wanted to
I agree that the challenges will come when the DGC grow up. I fear that LB and DD1 will try to control them by preventing any outside influences, such as the internet or mixing with other children, but eventually I suspect that they will run far away.
LadyEloise1 - thanks for your support. You are right. I have missed DH more than ever over the last few weeks. I feel totally bereft without him. He is the only one who would have understood, who would have supported me. I could function at a high level but he was always the rock behind me and, without him, I am floundering. I am a tree with no roots, so I have no support and no way of drawing in nourishment. I sway in the slightest breeze and a small gust is enough to blow me over.
Lunde - thanks for your post. I don't think there will be any necessity to spend large sums in visiting or to be a pack mule in future, as I think it will be a very long time before I visit again, if ever. I expect LB's DP will also be visiting only rarely, given the distance, cost, and the limitations put on their visits, especially when they have so many other demands on their time.
Sorry if this sounds quite a negative post. I do have some good things coming up in my diary, including catching up with some of my new friends from the Egyptian trip at the weekend, and a meal out with DD2 and her boyfriend. I think I just need to distract myself a bit more, as being in my head isn't a very comfortable place at present.