MondayTuesdayWednesday - thank you so much for your supportive post. I do, indeed, find it really helpful to post here, and am very grateful for all comments, including any negative ones. There is nothing anybody can say which is worse than I have thought myself.
In truth, I have found Christmas and New Year a long, hard slog, and have tried to keep commitments to a minimum, whilst not letting anyone down. Some days I have just not wanted to do anything, I have been finding it difficult even to eat or swallow food, there is a constant ache and anxiety in the pit of my stomach, my gums are bleeding, my sleep patterns are in total disarray, and I have not been particularly functional. My therapist is ill, so I haven't spoken to her for a couple of weeks. Moan, moan, moan....!
I have just been in survival mode, really, a bit of a hermit. But gradually feeling better and turning the proverbial corner. In some ways, it was the uncertainty which was killing me, but also a lot of ongoing grief around DH, and memories of happy family Christmases long ago, in that sunny parallel universe which no longer exists. And I am determined to move forward and not wallow. I had lots of lovely messages and cards and I have lots of things to look forward to, so I know that I am fortunate in many ways.
The boxes finally went yesterday afternoon and it was a relief to see them go. I didn't send a message and I don't suppose I will even receive a cursory thank you for sending them. I need to message LB's DP to say to expect them, but I don't know if I should say anything else. Should I say anything about the background, ask them to keep a caring eye on the DGC and DD1, express any of my concerns, or is that likely to backfire?
I am grateful to you for saying that it was ok to express my opinion to her, however badly, but of course I regret upsetting her and, also, myself. I wish that I could have been more detached, but it's done now, and I'm not sorry that I said some of the things I said, especially about racism. I just feel that she is in a bubble and that the bubble is getting smaller and smaller, as it has since the day she met him. It has been incremental, like the proverbial boiling of the frog, so that she doesn't perceive it. She just seems to think that I am motivated by malice.
I also wonder if she thinks I am going senile, when she mentions my warped recollections of the past. I bought a 'Mr Men' book in Egypt when I was there and she said 'Oh Mum, you already bought them the set', as though I had forgotten. I said I didn't think that it was in the original set and she later confirmed I was right. And, to be fair, I don't always remember exactly what I have bought them, because she would just send links, and I don't see the DGC enough to witness any toys or clothes that are in use.
I am looking for another therapist and any recommendations would be gratefully received. It is so hard to know where to start.
On the plus side, I now have my visas. I need to get outside my discomfort zone! 🤣