Where is ChopinandChampagne? LB update?

[gianfrancogorgonzola]

Really hope you see this C&C, I was following your other threads (name change a lot) and wanted to check in to see how you are.

🙏🏼

What is the wine reference? I am genuinely confused to what it means?

Me too. I saw the troll hunting posts (I reported them) but I don’t get the wine reference.

Just attempts to derail the thread - ignore or report.

Good morning everyone and thanks for your new year greetings, which are reciprocated!

Thank you for the recommendation on the Australian wine Billybagpuss and, knowing you, there will probably be some beautiful music to accompany it!

TheSandgroper - I will be in Melbourne the second week in February, then going on a cruise round NZ, then flying to Sydney for two nights and taking the train to Perth for one night, flying back to the UK at the beginning of March. Where do you live? I am so excited to go (in between feeling utterly depressed at the current situation with DD1!). It was somewhere DH and I always wanted to go, but was too far whilst we were still working, as we could have only have gone for two weeks, and I know that even in a month I will not even have scratched the surface. I just wish he were coming with me, but I like to think that he will be with me in spirit. We both loved travelling and we didn't put things off, so I have many wonderful memories.

Thank you for those who have said that I seem stronger etc. I would like to think that I am older and wiser - wiser, anyway - but I have been re-reading previous threads and, in many ways, I am not sure that I am. It is interesting to read my old posts and to realise that how I was feeling then is exactly how I am feeling now. It doesn't seem to make a difference whether there is contact or not - it's the same old issues, the same old pain, the same old feelings of loss and frustration. And I must sound like the same broken old record and I am amazed that you have put up with me for so long, but so grateful that you have! But I am determined that it will get better, as in that my response will be better. As someone up thread said, it's a definition of madness to keep doing the same thing and hoping for a different result!

I have to accept that DD1 is not fundamentally a kind person. DD3 said once that she adopts the persona of the man she is with. So the last boyfriend was lovely, the exact opposite of LB, and when she was with him she was different from how she is now. He was not from a privileged background, he was brought up by his DGP (I don't think he knew who his father was). He left school early, managed to find an apprenticeship and worked his socks off to succeed. He adored DD1, he loved our family, and DD2 and DD3 regarded him as a brother. He was so kind and caring. He was as generous as LB is mean. Even the pets adored him and he would regularly go for runs with DDog3.

He encouraged DD1 to go to University, even though it meant separation, as it was a long way away. He even drove her there, and was faithful to her until she met LB and dumped him. She summoned him to the house and went out to his car and told him it was over. He was apparently heartbroken and also misses us. His DGP never liked DD1. Even DH said she treated him like 's**t.

I saw DH's sister and her family for lunch on Monday with DD2 and boyfriend and also DN's boyfriend. I did have a chat with SIL over the meal, not too long, as I didn't want to detract from a happy occasion, but she was hugely sympathetic. She wants to meet up again soon to discuss and said she has known me so long (35 years) that she knows that I am not a bad person. It was reassuring to see her. She is DD1's godmother.

LiitlePearl - thank you for your post, which I found very comforting. I am pleased that you have good relationships with your DC's partners. It makes such a difference. They have so much power to hurt us. I said to DH's sister, it doesn't matter about the DC's partners, only that they are kind people.

I just can't believe that DD1 has gone from being a dedicated vegan to killing chickens, which I am not going to be hypocritical over as I am not vegan, but actually saying that she enjoyed killing them. And she and LB killed two chickens because they were not laying and were going to send two cows to the abattoir because they were bad tempered/didn't conceive. I understand a business decision and that farming isn't for the faint hearted, but it's the way they joke about it, enjoying the power of life and death over the animals. It's horrible, that and the racism, which I find abhorrent. Her views are as far from mine and those of DD2 and DD3 as it's possible to be. It's as though she has become desensitised in some respects.

And, just as he likes to exercise power over the animals - and he now has a shotgun to shoot 'pests' - he likes to exercise over over me and his DPs, by using the DGC as bait, holding them out then drawing them back, messing people around about arrangements etc, just to show that he is running the show. When we visited them in their house in the NE for the first time, and the first time we met the DGDs, and after DH had his terminal diagnosis, LB made a big show of saying that he was allowing us to visit his house, despite the fact that I had made him leave my house those years earlier. DD1 looked embarrassed but basically supported him. Of all the things, I find that the hardest to which to reconcile myself.

Nepoyeah - thanks for a fabulous and thought provoking post. I am going to look for a new therapist, although I will not 'drop' the present one, who has been there for me during some very difficult times, maybe just reduce the frequency of sessions. Your words about not being able to staunch the wounds with material goods really resonated with me and echoed what I said to her that I had been trying to 'buy' her love and that would never work. I like the idea of your message - I think it's a question of saying something along those lines or nothing at all. The problem is always that the message is not to her - it's always a communication with LB, unless it's a telephone conversation. He will dictate any reply and in a manner out calculated to wound me. I don't think I have the strength at present.

I agree totally that we do our DC a disservice by trying to 'fix' their problems and not allowing them to grow as people and solve their own problems. I am very happy to say that DD2 and her lovely boyfriend have invited me to be their guest at the theatre and I was so happy to say yes!

I am very interested to hear about the homesteading Christian blogs. I am worried at the effect that this might have on the DGDs, especially if they don't go to school. LB and DD1 are so controlling of every aspect of their lives, they are not even allowed to watch Disney - another of the gifts which I bought, which was deemed unsuitable and rejected, was a child iPad for each of them with a year's subscription to the Disney channel. Sometimes it seems like it's like some miniature Gilead there, where females are for breeding and serving. Fortunately, I think that DGD1 has a strong personality, whereas DGD2 is more passive. I am going to order 'Wheel of Fortune' - thank you so much for the recommendation.

billy1966 - thank you so much for your post last Friday and your ongoing support and wisdom, and also to everyone else who has taken the trouble to comment on this and previous threads.

Great to hear your update Chopin.

I think you do yourself a disservice, truly. It is the case, sadly, that the core issues with DD1 have not changed, nor has the pain it causes you.

But your response and your acceptance of the situation, and who DD1 truly is, is what is changing - like with this statement: I have to accept that DD1 is not fundamentally a kind person.

That's a really big statement. And it's hard to say, and accept (who of us doesn't want to believe our DC is kind?) but it's a step towards freeing yourself from the situation & your well-being be linked to how DD1 behaved & treats you.

I have found your posts very motivating & quite inspirational - apart at all from DD1, I've admired how you made plans & live your life, your very strong family / personal relationships, how much you & DH did & how much you made of your lives together, despite so sadly losing him too soon. I'm going through some tough times, and I read your posts and think 'well it is possible to experience adversity & have a fruitful life still!'

Happy travels in Australia - I'm a total scaredy cat about travel, the whole idea of a trip like that seems huge to me; I'm massively in awe. 😀

Your trip sounds amazing, Chopin!

Delighted you are feeling stronger, you sound it.

You have been on a merry-go-round for years with her, wouldn't it be great if this was the year you finally stepped off.

It won't change anything other that finally protect you.

So her lovely kind ex was discarded brutally too?
Such a pattern.

How relieved his Grandparents must have been to have seen their precious grandson be released by her.

They likely saw your daughter clearly, not unlike her own grandparents, and their reactions to her probably was privately a version of yours towards LB........concern and distaste.

You cannot change her.
She is long formed.

You can still love your child deeply but see her clearly.

You can, most importantly, focus your energy going forward on acceptance of who she really is and her choices, and live your life in truth.

You deserve to.
I absolutely believe your darling husband would want you to do this.

Wishing you well. We did a 6 week trip to Aus/NZ when we lived in Hong-Kong many years ago.
Such lovely countries to visit.

Your travels sound amazing. I have a cousin in Sydney and we do talk about going but there are so many places on our to do list.

you said how it’s the same level of loss and frustration whether you are in contact or not. That I think is fundamental. When you are jot in contact you are worrying about her, the dgcs was there anything you could have done differently. When you are in contact you are constantly on eggshells trying not to put a foot wrong. I think you need to find your peace that contact should be on your terms. And when you are not in contact you may worry about them, but you are not constantly sucked into the drama.

Your trip sounds amazing. Plus I'm glad to see you will be finding another therapist to help you with this. I'm glad you also reached out to others. The support will be good for you.

One thing stood out- you bought the DGC kids iPads and a Disney subscription? That was way too much given what a trigger point gift giving has been and continues to be.

I think you need to step back from gifts like that and look at why you keep doing it to yourself. I mean that kindly.

Re Ipads, I bet there was concern that in the future you could use them to have direct contact with them which of course would be a complete no no!

I seem to remember LB requested iPads and the issue is with the Disney subscription?

Great to read your update. Like many others here, I’ve read everything you’ve written from the first thread, until today. There is no doubt about your sincerity, commitment and kindness as a loving mother. I had intended to ask a couple of weeks back, if there were incidents in DD1’s youth or childhood demonstrating unkindness or even lack of empathy, when you posted about exactly those memories. The more that is revealed, or maybe the more pieces you fit together to show yourself the bigger picture, the clearer it becomes that she’s always had the potential for this level of control and unkindness. The ex-boyfriend certainly dodged a bullet!

I don’t know if there’s a word for the opposite of serendipity but the coming together of your daughter and LB would be a literal example. I do not think for one moment she is any better than he, and while it must hurt you to know that she’s far from innocent and a victim of his machinations, I think you should take strength from knowing that actually, she’s ok. She’s not abused, she’s delighted to keep you dangling, hurting you and anyone else who gets near.
The joy they both find in hurting animals says a great deal about their combined personalities.

The goal here, should decide your ‘approach’. I won’t say ‘strategy’ because that implies engagement. Your goal should be accepting that you find contentment in a life that doesn’t wholly include DD1 and her family. Know and accept that she lives in another world, her values and standards don’t suit this one. Always be aware that any hand of friendship you offer will be bitten and chewed to the bone. Just say to yourself “she’s ok without me”.

Clearly you have the love and support of a wonderful family (with the obvious exception..), so just take strength and enjoy them and the love they share with you.

Wishing you strength, health and happiness.

PS: Don’t forget to get shit hot financial and legal advice regarding the French property!

Thanks everyone for your posts.

EarringsandLipstick - thank you for your kind words and I am sorry to hear that you are also going through a tough time. I hope things improve for you. Sometimes it can just be so debilitating to deal with difficult relationships and we are so vulnerable to hurt from those we love, which can suck the joy and purpose out of life.

billy1966 - thank you for another supportive post. I am not sure DH would have been happy at this turn of events. He wanted to build a better relationship with LB and DD, although he did not approve of their life choices, especially their reluctance to work. He never said anything unkind about anyone, but he did say that DD1 was 'not like us'. And yes, I am sure that the previous boyfriend's DGP were delighted when the relationship ended.

Billybagpuss - you are right about the contact. I just wish that I had not become so upset, got the visit to Ireland over and done with, and come back to the safety of home and distance, hopefully with some happy memories, however ephemeral.

SquishyGloopyBum - the iPads were a few years ago and there had been a request for an iPad, but it was the Disney element which they objected to. There will be no more extravagant or unwanted gifts from me. However, I suspect that DD1 will not be happy with the boxes when they are delivered, as there are a number of duplicates, mainly because I reordered Amazon items for delivery to Ireland and didn't have the heart to unwrap the old ones and return them.

The boxes haven't gone yet. They should have gone yesterday but I didn't realise you had to print the labels. The delivery driver said he would come back today and I went to the local print shop to have the labels printed, but no sign of him and I don't suppose he will come now. I will probably have to pay an additional fee to rearrange the pick up and wait in all day, again. It's all just hassle and expense with them. They are oblivious to other people's inconvenience, unfortunately.

FlamingMad Katie - thank you for your perceptive and encouraging post.

As FlamingMadKatie writes "...your goal should be accepting that you find contentment in a life that doesn't wholly include DD1 and her family. Know and accept that she lives in another world, her values and standards don't suit this one. Always be aware that any hand of friendship you offer will be bitten and chewed to the bone. Just say to yourself
"she's ok without me"........"

Very wise words.

Regarding the French property, I am fairly clear that, because DH died before the recent change in the law, and he and all the DDs were British nationals at the time, also that the will was specifically drafted to say that the French property should be dealt with under English law, that DD1 has no valid claim.

But - and it is a big but - the notaire wants to ask all of the DDs to sign a document saying that they don't have claims on the estate, which will be a huge red flag to LB and DD1. I don't have the slightest doubt that, regardless of DH's intentions, they will see an opportunity for financial gain and feel entitled to a share of the French property. They will see me as trying to cheat them out of a rightful inheritance.

I don't actually mind giving them some money, or wouldn't if I thought it were deserved or appreciated. However, it really upsets me to think that they should regard themselves as entitled to a share when they have never had jobs or had intentions of getting jobs and just seem to get by on other people's money. DH's DP gave him a deposit towards his first home but, that apart, neither of us had any handouts whatsoever. We always worked for everything and, yes, we were lucky in many respects, but we worked long days, especially when including commuting, had a lot of responsibilities etc.

As a previous poster said, if I don't get the money out of France by selling soon, and I 'pop my clogs', they will be entitled to a bigger share anyway, plus it will be a headache for my executors. So I do want to sell, but need to sort out the legal situation beforehand. And I just feel it in my bones that a conflict may be escalated unless the matter is handled very sensitively. I would prefer to forestall any resentment if possible, maybe by offering something, but it would need to be ring fenced for DD1 and the DGC, which would involve asking LB to sign a disclaimer, which would make him hate me more than ever.

Also, as I have said previously, DH and I agreed that DD1 would not be disinherited, but would share her third with her DC. DH figured that they would probably have need of it, since their parents showed no intention of obtaining jobs. However, he did not know then that he was going to die soon or that he would predecease his aunt, so that the DDs would inherit substantial sums.

I would say to you dd that she can have her share of the French house when she has a bank account you can pay any money into, as it's her share of the inheritance. What she does with it afterwards is up to her but at least you will have tried to give her something of her own before LB gets his claws onto it.

Whilst you must of course, respect your late husband’s wishes (and he sounds like he was a wonderful father and husband), bear in mind that the situation has become far more disturbing than was evident before he passed away. I imagine you like to sense check occasionally along the lines of “what would Mr C&C do or say if he were still here and still well”. Is it unthinkable that he may decide, not with unkindness or animosity, that he should modify his intentions to divide his estate equally between the three girls? Maybe the lion’s share of DD1’s third should be left to a trust for the DGC?

You are, after all, the surviving parent and grandparent and your decisions should be driven by what you know now, not how things seemed a few years ago, but that is of course, only my opinion.

Regarding the French property, I am fairly clear that, because DH died before the recent change in the law, and he and all the DDs were British nationals at the time, also that the will was specifically drafted to say that the French property should be dealt with under English law, that DD1 has no valid claim.

But - and it is a big but - the notaire wants to ask all of the DDs to sign a document saying that they don't have claims on the estate

Sounds like the notaire is going for belts and braces - is this actually necessary in order for you to sell though?

What's the worst case scenario if you don't ask them to sign and sell anyway - they find out about the sale, and decide to sue you through the French courts?

Realistically would they realise this is even a option for them? Wouldn't they assume you would simply inherit directly from DH? Why would they imagine anything different would happen? And could LB really be doing with kicking off a legal battle, in France?

I think you need to explore your options more robustly before engaging with DD, if at all.

Have you even seen their marriage certificate, to be certain that LB is actually a potentially interested party?

There must be plenty of circumstances where French sellers can not get all potential beneficiaries to sign a waiver. They may not know where the person is? They may be in prison or bankrupt.

So ask them what happens if the beneficiary is not found if refused to sign?

I think your DH would be horrified at what has happened since his death tbh. The pressuring your BIL for her Aunts money etc. DD1 not having a bank account, not letting you see DGS sooner, cutting of the PIL, cancelling the Christmas trip but asking you to pay to send the items on etc.

Perhaps the note asking DD1 to sign as well as being your DHs deathbed wish would also include "I hope you will not withhold your signature".

Is there insurance against them sueing for a share in the French property that could be taken out in the event that dd1 refuses to sign the waiver?

Alternatively, if they insist on a share on sale of the chalet, maybe you could agree but let them know through your solicitor that if you do pay dd1 what she sees as her 'share' now, you would view that as her full inheritance from you and your will would be changed accordingly. Whether you decide to do this, of course, is up to you but setting up the dgc and bypassing dd1 and LB seems prudent.

I would insist on only communicating via solicitors regarding the French property so that they have no way of manipulating you directly.

I too believe your husband would be very hurt and appalled at their treatment of you.

Of course he would have naturally hoped that things might improve between you all and moved forward, had he lived.

But I think he knew first hand what a genuinely loving parent and mother you have been, and would be horrified that she could treat her grieving, vulnerable mother with such calculating cruelty.

I think he would want you to accept things and protect yourself going forward.

I know that may be presumptuous of me, but your fury at her treatment of your husband, is just the other side of the same coin.

You and your husband would want the other, if left behind, to be cherished and minded, not further hurt and pain heaped on you endlessly in a transactional relationship where you walk on eggshells.

You would hate for him to be in the torment you have borne these last couple of years, I think he would feel the exact same about you.

Wishing you well.

I agree with this.
You have to adapt to the changing situation, as your lovely DH would be doing if he was here to support you.

@ChopinanChampagne I am in Perth. I see you are only here for one night. Please feel welcome to DM me at any time. Unless you have specific plans, you need not be on your own.