Where is ChopinandChampagne? LB update?

[gianfrancogorgonzola]

Really hope you see this C&C, I was following your other threads (name change a lot) and wanted to check in to see how you are.

🙏🏼

I would suggest that you avoid going to their house if at all possible Chopin. Say thank you but you think it would be too cold for you. Nothing about mayone else, just you. They can't really argue with you about that.

I agree that you will need to brace yourself for nastiness both subtle and overt. Which is awful really, isn't it.

@ChopinandChampagne

On a practical note, I wouldn’t take unopened packages you didn’t order. You don’t know what might be in them? Plus it does look like you are trying to avoid the duty? Bloody cheek expecting you to pay to carry their parcels to save them tuppence happenny on duty.

Going through customs, to get filled out forms endorsed before you get on a flight at Heathrow is a lengthy pain in the bum, (you have to suck-up the Customs Officers rudeness and tardiness) and then you have to go through customs on the other side.

Can you wrap up the gifts you ordered, and discard the boxes of the other stuff? You’ll be allowed to bring some stuff through anyway.

Also, you could well be asked about the parcels.

I will be patently clear to anyone on a customs check that you are a courier to avoid duty.

They could well take everything from you when you don't know what is in half the item

I think it would be wise to double check exactly what you are allowed to bring into Ireland vat wise.

Don't be used and possibly bring grief upon yourself.

The poor wee kids living in a Dickensian home with such an arsehole for a father 😞

I'm sorry @ChopinandChampagne it's an impossible situation and I appreciate whatever anyone says, she is your daughter and you can only step back as much as you feel able to.

Your poor DGCs though, they aren't currently housed in appropriate or healthy living conditions.

I think how chilly I am this evening when I get up to make a cuppa, even with the heating on. They must feel so very cold at night.

I really hope she can put them first soon

This is so frustrating to read Chopin! You are just repeating the same cycle of abuse of you over and over. Your daughter is incredibly manipulative and so adept in rinsing you, while you seem to think that you got a handle on it. I feel sorry for the children but your daughter deserves the crap she brought on herself. I do not actually think she is much better than him. I also think you should focus more on your other children, the ones who were loyal and stood by you. Why are you not putting more energy and spending the Christmas period with them? Be careful not to eventually alienate them while you bend over backwards kissing your nasty, ungrateful, abusive daughter's arse! Your daughter is actually neglectful to her children by not giving them a basic standard of care, despite having the means to do so. You should be calling social services, not humoring this idiot!

Never feel you are wasting time Chopin.

Having the courage to post on here and getting really good advice from a variety of perspectives is a great resource for other people in a similar situation. As I said on one of your previous threads it’s helped me enormously and I doubt I’m the only one .

It’s a horrible situation that you are in but I can understand how you are prepared to do almost anything to avoid going back to being totally estranged .

Really hope you can protect your heart though and don’t provide them with any more money or expensive gifts.

As others have said concentrate most of your energy on yourself, your 2 other daughters and friends and family who show you love and loyalty.

Hope the trip goes well

Xx

Hi Chopin

I've been following your story on here, but I've never felt I have anything useful to say. I still don't really, except that I can say with total confidence that you owe nobody on here any action and should feel free to use this and other threads for yourself, as is useful for you. People are free to engage with it, or not, as they choose. It's your life, and if this is a helpful space for you to untangle your thoughts and draw on the support of a community, that is what it's there for. No one wants your situation to work out more than you do, and none of us can truly understand (though some posters here do have amazing thoughtful and articulate comments for you).

I hope your visit goes well. You are in a lot of people's thoughts.

Agree and your own observations that this is a “push - pull” relationship is very astute - and by that very nature you don’t know where you stand, there is always tension, uncertainty and the need to remain hyper vigilant, sensitive and composed - all of which is exhausting and not a normal “at ease”, trusting relationship.

You want to keep connected to your DD1 and it costs you an awful l lot emotionally with negligible reciprocated - except moments with your DGC and hope that she may one day see the light.

Just be very clear on your own personal emotional limits and try to maintain an “observing stance” without getting drawn into any commentary because it will always be twisted and used to hurt you. It’s a very difficult, risky and unsatisfactory situation to be in - but you already know that. Just take care of yourself

I think it's good that you carry on posting it helps you stay as objective as possible.

I hope the journey over goes ok with the weather and the duty.

I am so thankful you have your cosy hotel room to stay in, you could offer the DGC - the girls at least to have a sleep over to have a night in warmth etc. I mean LB will say no but you can offer.

@ChopinandChampagne

I've followed all your threads, commented (with NC!)

I honestly think going to Ireland is a v v v bad idea.

Just stop going along with their abusive narrative, please?

Concentrate your love on your two DD, who don't manipulate and coerce and abuse you.

Reading your posts makes me so sad for you. Just "drop the rope" and if DD 1 ever does realise just what a shit LB is, hope she'll come back to you

And protect your money!

Chopin I think everyone reading this understands you are a wonderful woman and mother. I truly hope you have a a safe journey and the trip goes well

Thank you for your replies.

I am not now going to Ireland. Here is the latest exchange.

[12:51, 14/12/2022] LB Family: How was the concert?

Did you manage to order the scratch sleeves DGD1?
Will you be placing a waitrose/ocado order too like last time? I was after some more Aveeno cream and the calendula oil xx
[18:48, 14/12/2022] Me: Good evening darling. I am having a problem with bringing everything, as my case is already full from the things which have arrived at the house, without packing any of the children’s Christmas presents or DGD2’s birthday presents xx
[18:49, 14/12/2022] LB Family: Could you bring 2 suitcases like you said last time? X
[18:51, 14/12/2022] Me: We will need to prioritise and hopefully LB's DP can bring anything which I can’t fit in, especially if they are coming by camper van. I don’t mind sending things to them xx
[18:54, 14/12/2022] Me: Realistically, I am going to struggle with two suitcases, as it will just be me and I only have one anyway so would need to buy another. There are some old ones but they are in storage. Also, it’s £35 each way per case. Xxx
[19:26, 14/12/2022] LB Family: Ok. Did you open up the packages? (She had agreed to this)
[19:26, 14/12/2022] LB Family: I can call you to decide what is important. You will want to be bringing your presents for the children DGD2s birthday.
You should have sent anything from amazon directly here! X
[10:39, 15/12/2022] Me: I wasn’t planning on doing any more orders, as I just did a Waitrose one to order the chocolate to bring. If Amazon deliver to you, they should have those things in stock. But let me know if it’s a problem and I will see what I can do. I have all the things for the children, I think, but conscious that nothing for you or LB. They didn’t have the flask in the size you wanted, only half the size? What would you like? Xx
[10:40, 15/12/2022] Me: I am going to see what I can do about bringing stuff. The clothes from Cambridge Baby are bulky but quite light, so maybe I can carry those in a separate bag, although I will need to pay to check them in. Xx
[10:59, 15/12/2022] Me: I was at lunch with a Franciscan friar yesterday, and we had a really interesting discussion. I was telling him about you and he thinks there may be an ‘order’ if that is the right word, near you. He is going to check. Xx
[14:09, 15/12/2022] Me: Not opened all the packages yet. Am wrapping presents and will then have a practice pack 😄. I didn’t order the scratch mitts for DGD1 as they wouldn’t arrive in time last time and you said you were going to make some. I have checked again and they would not arrive until next week but are available through Amazon. Would you like me to bring some of the rose essence to try? Xxx
[17:03, 15/12/2022] Me: How is the water situation? Xxx
[00:02, 16/12/2022] LB Family: Hi Mum,

I have been doing a lot of thinking since our last phone conversation.

I am sorry, but i cannot in good conscience go ahead with you visiting next week.

You have said some terrible things which I cannot overlook. I am deeply disturbed by your insistence that I am solely to blame for the disintegration of the family. I am even more upset and confused at why you try to make me feel guilt at the circumstances leading up to my Dad's death. You have been very cruel and I believe you do it with an intent to hurt me and manipulate me.

You have a warped memory of the past. A warped past which you clearly have no desire to let go of. You always say you dont understand why I cut contact with you, didnt tell you about DGD1 etc but I have told you many times the reasons. You have just wilfully ignored them because they do not suit your version of events.

I have tried my hardest these past few years to make things work but I no longer believe it is possible. I wanted us to be able to move forward and I wanted you to change but I am in this same position with you that I was in years ago. Nothing I ever do will be enough to satisfy you. You have your own version of the past that you believe in which you are a victim and I am a villain and it is always lurking in the background and every so often it rears its ugly head and you just unleash it in a bilious fashion as you did the other day. I never know what is the truth coming from you but the things you said the other day sounded like they had been brooded over a long time.
I wont be a punching bag for atrocities I havent committed.

I need space from you. I have felt ill from this these past few days. Utterly drained and depressed from it. Just how I always used to feel. It isnt right to put myself through it, especially when I have the children to look after. It also causes upset within my marriage. You said yourself about starting a new life, perhaps that is a good idea.

I would be grateful if you would post any items to LB's DP. I will see that you get their new address when they move in.

Too upset to type more.

Oh Chopin, I am so sorry. What a cruel and unexpected blow! To go from chat about packing presents to this...

He's clearly gotten in her ear about something and she's unhappy and taking it out on you with all her own hurts piled on too. If you can be the bad guy then her beloved husband doesn't have to be...

So sorry OP. I forget if you have any pets? Maybe time to get something soft and cuddly to love on? Pets can be such a comfort when you're feeling blue. It must be devastating but I think she'll be back someday. Meanwhile you have your other wonderful daughters and I can tell you're the kind of person who has many lovely friends in real life. I truly wish you peace this Christmas, don't dwell if you can help it.

Do you have any nice plans with your girls or your friends you'd like to share?

So sorry to hear that @ChopinandChampagne I hope she'll be back ASAP to her pre-LB self, and bin him.

This is better than you schlepping over there with all that stuff, just to have it all 'kick off' and her/they saying all that in person, then you having to make your way home after. xx

So how much more humiliating and cruel shit will you put up with? How many more times will you debase yourself for a virtual kicking? When will you stop the martyr act and just establish some healthier boundaries for yourself? Grey rock and LC, even NC are life savers when faced with abusive toxic people. You need to get off this ridiculous merry-go-round and stop the pay-per-view access to your DGC. This isn't going to stop, in fact, it seems to be escalating.

You need to be honest with yourself and accept that your daughter is an abuser too and not the victim. You did at least acknowledge that a while back but now seem to have re-written the script and see her as this poor little lamb, instead of someone who lets her children live in absolute squalor despite having the means to change things. If I knew their details, I'd call the authorities on these disgusting people for severe neglect myself! They could easily pay for proper repairs and LB bought a quad bike FFS! Don't buy a bloody cow for this callous cow! You would be better off to virtually buy a cow/donkey or other live stock for some deserving genuinely poor people who at least have a clue what they are doing.

Chopin, I mean this out of genuine care but I really want to bloody shake some sense in you and stop you acting like such a pathetic doormat. I bet this is really painful for your other children. Focus on them. There should be some proper consequences for your abusive daughter withholding contact and/or forcing it all to be on her terms, such as no more cash cow. Please stop being so pathetic and end this emotional blackmail for your own sake. Do not just blame LB, take a hard look at your own child! Perhaps, you need to acknowledge that you weren't consistent enough and have raised an utterly entitled, mean child by not establishing some basic boundaries and instill some bloody respect. Stop the bloody pick me dance. Sometimes, it is better to walk away but leaving an open door that they must come for with some genuine remorse.

PS: Why are people acting so surprised?! This is really not an unexpected blow - it was so bloody obviously going to happen. Chopin is probably expected to come crawling on her belly, begging and offering more money or expensive stuff. Rinse and repeat the same cycle of abuse over again for the past few years. I am glad this is a space for you to vent and share your pain Chopin but you each time you keep announcing a tougher stance and vow to safeguard yourself, only to bend over even more at each new episode. I know that your bereavement is really traumatic but you need to find solace with kinder people. Spend the money that cow would have cost on something that will genuinely give happiness to you and more deserving people.

Chopin, I am so sorry that this has happened again. Seemingly over a waitrose order and expecting you to stack yourself high with stuff to take over to them.

I would be very tempted to forward her message back saying that it is exactly how you feel about her.

Oh Chopin I am so sorry. It seemed that you weren’t being amenable enough for them and that’s what has prompted the nasty message.

I would be tempted to reply back saying something along the lines of, I’m sorry you feel that way. I have and will always love you and care for you. Please know that I will always be here for you if needed but I will respect your wishes and step away. I hope that one day we can get back to how it used to be.

and then return everything they’ve had sent to you and step away for your own mental well-being.

I truly am so sorry Chopin

I am sorry this has happened.

But you need to take the emotion out of this and look at what happened.

They expected you to ferry 3x pieces of luggage, plus magically buy some of the food items from Waitrose and bring this with you. They were okay with you paying for this luggage and then expected you to take all of it back with you.

When you rightly said that it would be too much to bring everything, then gave some alternative suggestions. She then throws a tantrum and writes a long diatribe of all the wrongs that you have done to her.

This isn’t about you but them. Unfortunately, they see you as someone who is a cash cow and a free courier who will bring luggage full things that they are unwilling to import pay tax for.

I am sorry that you are so upset. But you now need to look after your own mental well being.

Please surround yourself this Christmas with your other children. Then go and enjoy your adventures in Australia and New Zealand.

l would not reply to her message (l May even block her number for a while) and l certainly would not be posting all those items to her in laws! They can come and collect them from you!

Should have read: unwilling to pay import tax for!

I also should add, that they also threw a tantrum because you didn’t agree to do an Amazon order to get delivered to their home. They basically wanted you to pay for it.

Anytime you assert yourself and put in boundaries they then emotional blackmail etc to make you toe the line.

This is not a healthy relationship.

Hi @ChopinanChampagne i think you’ve inadvertently let their surname slip you might want to ask mn to edit it, just before the main bulk of bile from her 💐

Aww @ChopinandChampagne i’m sorry you’ve had to deal with this. Remember it’s all part of the narcissist’s script. In his eyes You had the upper hand which he needed to get back via the permitted visit and now you’re not prepared to do all of LB’s bidding exactly as he wants it, the visit is rather predictably off. My prediction is that this is designed to make you feel bad before Xmas when suddenly the tables will be turned and you’ll be allowed back once you’ve apologised and of course, just in time to pay for the boiler which I imagine is the end game at this point. LB plans to bleed you dry by stealth.

Now is the time to look after yourself. DD1 is effectively in a hostage situation which realistically you cannot influence or change using your current tactics. You are not a narcissist so you cannot comprehend how they think. You can of course read up on their modus operandi and try to understand why DD1 is enthralled by him. He knows he is not a catch. He knows you know this also. You are his retirement plan, his golden goose so you MUST cut them off inheritance wise. Do not reveal this but Leave a detailed note as to why for her in your expression of wishes with your will. Yes, you will feel bad but how would you feel if predictably after you pass away he leaves DD1 and rides off into the sunset with yours and DH’s hard-earned and leaves her with nothing. Or uses the money for a predictable affair with the partner he ‘deserves’ after he had turned your DD1 into a downtrodden woman with no self esteem. You owe him nothing and your DD’s treatment of you renders her entitled to nothing also. Far better to leave a sum ring fenced for your DD1 with her sisters to be used as and when she needs it (and she will) with strict instructions that they are not to tell her about it until she genuinely leaves LB.

Plan nice things to do over the break and switch off from this exhausting game-playing. Write letters to your DGC for the future and letters to your DD1 explaining how you feel. Don’t send them, keep them in. Your personal effects do they know they were loved and cherished by you when the time comes. Personally, I’d be reporting concerns about the conditions the DGC are expected to endure to children’s social services along with the fact you believe DD1 is under coercive control and financial abuse from LB. Your main motivation in engaging with this prick was to look out for and after your DD and DGC. You can do this in a way that saves your mental health and preserves your relationships with DD2 and DD3. At the moment you have no meaningful relationship with DD1 so you have no way of protecting her or your DGC from LB. Reporting may feel ‘wrong’ right now but far better to have it on record lest (God Forbid) something happens to any of them during a harsh winter.

You may want to report your last thread as I think you’ve disclosed a family surname and the last thing you’d need is the DM picking this up.

All the best to you. Many of us have gone through this hence the sheer amount of kindly-meant advice you’ve had. Make 2023 the year you change the narrative by not dancing to his tune. Big hugs.