Where is ChopinandChampagne? LB update?

[gianfrancogorgonzola]

Really hope you see this C&C, I was following your other threads (name change a lot) and wanted to check in to see how you are.

🙏🏼

SirMingeALot - I think the Christmas meal will happen, but we will see, failing which I will dine well in either the hotel or one of the local restaurants.

Well either way, I hope you enjoy every morsel. You deserve to!

Quite honestly Chopin I think that you need to continue your therapy as I believe you need to start focussing on yourself and your other 2 dd's. Your welfare needs to be your primary concern, and your happiness. Your DD1 has chosen this particular existence and she needs to face the reality of it, as pp have said you are now enabling the lifestyle.

You need to be honest with yourself and think about what brings you actual happiness. The dopamine hit you get when your daughter shows you flashes of humanity, and the joy you get from your DGD's or the unquestioning love that you get from your other family members, who will be worrying about you on this never ending crusade to be accepted by these money grubbing parasites.

YOU have to put yourself first, because these two will not - and they do not deserve for you to keep putting your needs/wants second considering the lack of care they give you.

I know the attraction and lure of continuing this merry-go-round, but I urge you to get off and concentrate on those who actually love and appreciate you for you. She knows where you are, she can come find you when she needs to and she has that security. Till then, i'd stop running around after their every whim, and falling prey to yet more money giving.

I bought one of cheap large zipped laundry bags for about £5 and put a padlock on it and used it to transport stuff by plane. You can fold it up to take back.

Just wanted to pop in and say you're not time-wasting and people spending time posting here are largely (I expect) venting just as you are!! You have the best feel of the situation. I really feel for your DD and kids braving this winter in those conditions when it could so easily be solved if LB's immature mindset didn't prevent it.

I don’t think you’re time wasting or anything Chopin. From a detached perspective it’s easy to give advice and say going is a bad idea and that it isn’t going to help in the long run - you or your daughter.

But, if it was me and my child, i’d go, even knowing it might not be helpful and try to convince myself if I find the right words, act loving enough, give enough, etc, I can reach my child and bring them back from the darkness.

I respect your determination.

This is my case, which I started packing today, before I have added any of the DGC Christmas gifts or DGD2's birthday gifts, some of which are quite bulky, or anything for me to wear etc 😃

You're not wasting anyone's time. It's frustrating from the outside, but people do things when they're ready to.

It took me TEN YEARS of MN telling me to LTB until I managed to do it! So, I understand it.

Re: the boiler and the lack of water, my guess is that once this crisis is over, there will be other and other. That's the modus operandi of a certain type of people, they jump from crisis to crisis. If things get too calm and too comfortable, DD might start thinking about life, and that's not what LB wants, right?

He wants to keep her (and you) always on her toes, in the dark, never knowing what comes next.

Remember as well - they CHOSE this. They (or LB, and your DD either genuinely or pretends to agree) dreamed about doing exactly this, did their research, when it was pointed out that these issues might well arise took it into account, acted positively to make this happen, and are still deciding not to fix it because presumably they are happy living like this when they could easily choose to stop it all (in the words of Jarvis Cocker...).

Interesting that you could tell what LB's questions for you were and your DD got them out of the way. Hopefully they can enjoy a lovely warm Christmas if nothing else, however much they might go back and bitch about how terrible it was to be warm, dry and fed

That's the modus operandi of a certain type of people, they jump from crisis to crisis. If things get too calm and too comfortable, DD might start thinking about life, and that's not what LB wants, right?

Oh God, that's a really important point.

Honestly take those things out of boxes etc and wrap in tissue paper.

Actually you could leave most behind and let them know you will courier it. Means LB will have to be nicer until it arrives!

I would make a point of inviting DD and the DGC to come and stay whilst LB sorts out the heating "after all you could use the cow money to pay for it".

Make very very reasonable practical suggestions and enjoy knowing that LB will be furious at you making them without offering to pay to get it fixed out of your pocket.

Actually you could leave most behind and let them know you will courier it. Means LB will have to be nicer until it arrives!

Good idea!

@ChopinandChampagne I still think you might well end up giving them money for some of these supposed repairs (why would what you've been doing all along, shelling out money, change now?)

PP's are clever that they realized the stellar acting performance (who needs an Oxfam advert?) your DD has just given you.

Remember that if you give them money it probably won't go on what you're giving it them for, it'll mainly be pocketed by LB.

And as PP's said, it will mean that your daughter is less aware of the real circumstances she's in, so she'll be less likely to leave. After all, as you are giving them money on demand, her life is not half as bad as it would otherwise seem, she knows she can live with it.

I think whether LB turns up for the hotel meal or not will depend very much on who is paying for it. Is there lobster on the menu?!

Oh Chopin don't be a carrier horse! Take what you can that is sensible and not too heavy, courier the rest at a later date like PP's have said.

I foresee a home visit, asking for money in some way or another - agreement to the meal and time at your hotel the next day, with that suddenly being withdrawn when they are dissatisfied at no money / not all gifts brought over etc with some excuse like weather / someone unwell etc

I know you want to see the best in DD1 and were shocked at this last call and her appearance, but please do stay cautious. Leopards do not change their spots and these historic behaviours and attitudes they have are so deeply entrenched they wouldn't just change overnight.

🦞he’ll ask the hotel to get it in just for him!

Please don't apologise Chopin. Everyone posting on this thread is here because they choose to be. I don't consider it a 'waste of time', and if I did, I could stop.

I guess I hope that if I found myself in a similar situation to yours and I needed an anonymous space where I could process, reflect and receive support / advice, I'd want someone to respond. That's all we're doing, and if it helps you then it's worthwhile.

It's easy for us to say your daughter is manipulating you etc, etc (and I do think she is, even if she's being manipulated herself) but at the end of the day she IS your daughter. You love her and would do anything to support and protect her. No one will condemn you for that.

Blimey your case !

A massive cheek to expect you to carry all that over, and pay the costs, just to save them the duty. One item would be reasonable, all that definitely is not !!
How on earth are you going to manage all that plus your own luggage ? They chose to move to Ireland, they need to live with the consequences of then choosing to carry on shopping from the UK.
No wonder LB still wants you to come.

So true ! Tell him “so lovely of you to offer to pay for lunch LB, thank you” and look confused when he refuses. Hahahaha.

I think only bringing a few gifts from you to the children with the suggestion of sending stuff on at a later date would be wise.

They can hardly argue if you say you simply couldn't manage the weight.

Avoiding their home completely and remaining in the hotel will prevent him the opportunity to try and extract money from you.

Lots of relentlessly positive noises about you "having every confidence in (LB) you sorting out the house/heating/water" would put him on the back foot.

OP, I wasn't referring to financial equity regarding your other daughters but rather their resentment at the stress you have been put under.

You are their mum, the only parent left to them, of course they will want to protect you and not think of you distressed by their sister and her life choices.

Ireland is the in the middle of freezing temperatures with predictions of possible lows of -11 in some areas. It is totally unrealistic and irresponsible for 2 parents to keep 3 small children in a house with no heating and water.

Is it not possible they come to you? You can't go and stay in a house with no heating.

OP, I wasn't referring to financial equity regarding your other daughters but rather their resentment at the stress you have been put under.

Same, and in the case I'm familiar with there wasn't really much money involved because nobody had any. It's about the impact that the decision to enable and facilitate has on other people around you, and how you choose that for them when you make the decision to behave in a particular way.

Dearie me! I hope they haven’t got your credit card details to spend with impunity! Haflinger slippers are v expensive. What’s wrong with Marks and Sparks these days?

Your DD1 seems to have extremely expensive taste (but only when you are footing the bill). And buys from charity shops if they buy anything themselves.

I would never have treated my mum like this…. It’s not normal when grannie asks what to buy for DGC that I would spend £££ more than I would ever spend myself. Even if my mum could afford it, I would never ever have taken advantage of her like this. It’s totally disrespectful. But you know that @ChopinandChampagne It really really is all about what they can extract from you.

Youve stated in a previous post that you are happy to buy things for the kids. I doubt any child living in dire (self inflicted) poverty-like conditions needs designer clothing. I hope LB is allowing funds for them to be fed properly. He is certainly choosing an extremely hard lifestyle just to save face (and money obvs).

No water/heat for weeks. They must all be filthy and absolutely frozen to the core. But DD1 has lovely Dubarry boots! It’s actually perverse.

How much hardship is acceptable before it becomes child neglect?

I feel so sorry for those poor kids. Their living conditions sound utterly unacceptable.
what a mess for all involved.

And yes, she does still want the cow!

Of course she does. The cow seems emblematic of the pattern that continues to play out in your relationship. LB and your DD reel you in with the possibility of visits, spending time with the grandchildren, etc. but these things are always dependent on your financial support. When your DD told you to forget about the cow and you agreed, that changed the dynamic. However, she clearly wants to return to the previous pattern so (predictably) has once again requested you pay for the cow. Since you had already agreed to do so, I can understand why you would feel the need to keep your side of the bargain. But I would try to make that the very last expensive gift you give them. The uncomfortable association with the term "cash cow" is unavoidable.

I also completely understand your decision to travel to Ireland. If you can (from an emotional standpoint), please try to manage your expectations. It is possible that the visit will be a disaster. I very much hope that is not the case, but I would imagine the tension with LB and your DD will continue, and it wouldn't surprise me if LB puts up all sorts of roadblocks to your spending time with DD and the DGC.

It is shocking to me that they are allowing their very young children to live in such conditions (no heat, no water) when they have the means to sort the issues immediately. It does sound as though your DD is exhausted and ground down by the situation. But she also sounds manipulative and not averse to engaging in emotional blackmail. She is a victim of LB's coercive control but she is also emotionally abusive to you. Both of those things can be true.

Offer to fly DD1 and the children out to you in England while their house is uninhabitable. She can then take all their stuff home with her.

LB will have to stay home and feed the animals, of course. Which is terribly unfortunate.