Thank you so much for your replies.
I have decided to go to Ireland.
DD1 called me back yesterday, shortly after I tried to call her. She looked terrible, pale and exhausted, face etched with worry, just completely worn out. The persona she presented was not at all the same as that suggested by the somewhat terse message I received in the WhatsApp conversation. I have little doubt that she was writing what she was told to write. Equally, whoever said that their attitude would change, was right. By showing my willingness to walk away, the pendulum swings my way, in this awful 'push me - pull you' game, and LB is now apparently saying what progress we have made and welcomes my visit, although not for my benefit, I am sure!
DD1 said she feels that she is 'malaise(y)'/'coming down with something'. They now have no water at all and haven't had any for several days, due to a frozen pipe, which they think is somewhere outside. The concern is that it will burst and then there will be no water for the foreseeable future. LB had run down the boiler to fix it, so there is no water there and, as the range cooker is linked to the boiler, that is not working either. They have been boiling bottled water for hot drinks, but DD doesn't have water to cook rice or pasta. They haven't been able to have a shower for weeks, as LB is trying to replace it or something, but there is no hot water for a bath or a shower, in any event, because of the broken boiler. They have been relying on three electric radiators to heat the whole house. DD1 looked at her wits' end.
She is not the selfish and entitled person she once was - and I accept that she probably used to be like that - her concern is for her DC and LB, not herself. She does not seek luxury goods, just the basics in life, such as heating and hot water, or even any water. In her Christmas 'list', she forgot to even include anything for herself. Three children aged 4 and under, living in harsh conditions, plus the loss of her Dad, have really ground her down and I feel that her spirit is being crushed. Originally, the new life in Ireland was all an adventure, but I think that now the reality of the situation is beginning to strike, and she is beginning to realise how difficult it can be.
I feel so angry with LB for not being prepared to spend money on getting the boiler properly fixed by a professional, and exposing them all to this misery. It also worries me that he is dealing with gas, electricity and asbestos, without any experience or qualifications. But yet, she still clings to him and continues to believe in him. She looked really pathetic, alone and unsupported, and clearly desperate for me to go. And I feel that I do need to go, even if only for DD and the DGC to come and use my bathroom and have a hot shower. I can't abandon them, I just can't.
Anyway, she asked a few questions, which I could tell she had been primed to ask, as you could sense her relief when she had got them out of the way. These were about money and I said the issue obviously went back to the original house, a long time ago now, but the concerns regarding trust related mainly to not advising us of the birth of DGD1. She seemed to accept that and said she thought that things were 'forgiven and forgotten', which is the first time she has alluded to 'forgiveness'. And yes, she does still want the cow!
She was also anxious for me to raise any issues and to be reassured that I trusted her and LB, so of course I said 'yes' - as I don't think there was any other answer I could give, to be honest - as FerretinaFrock said, there would be no coming back from any other reply. And actually I do trust her, within the confines of LB's control. At least I have now laid the ground for me to be able to say things in the future, such as 'I am concerned you don't have your own bank account', when the opportunity arises.
REignbow, you are right, my emotions are leading me here, but she is my DD, so they always will, I'm afraid, and there are the DGC to consider. I may be one of the very few outside influences in their lives. Whatever DD and LB have done, they are innocent in all this.
Glindara and others, I get that the flight may be delayed or cancelled and DD1 knows this is a risk. FeministLeftFoot and Oonek - yes, the journey will be also be difficult emotionally, but it's only for a few days, I am staying in a good hotel, and will then return to my nice warm house. I am in a reasonably good place emotionally, much better than I was. Yes, I get upset, but I bounce back more quickly. My hotel is in the centre of Carrick, and my room has a view of the river, so it should be pleasant and I won't be isolated. I will take books/Audible with me to pass the time. We are all having a Christmas meal at the hotel restaurant on Tuesday, so at least DD1 and the DGC will have a good meal which DD doesn't have to prepare.
Luckynumbereight and tribpot - don't worry, I have a late Christmas present to myself already arranged, which involves spending the whole of February in Australia/NZ! 🤣
whatwouldAnnaDelveydo - I want to thank you again for your contributions to this thread, which weigh greatly with me, because you have been that person in that situation where DD is now. What you have said really resonates with me as to DD1's inability to act or think differently at present, and her need for love and support.
I do feel that I owe all of you an apology and that I am wasting everybody's time, by posting updates, receiving detailed and constructive advice, and then not taking it. It must be frustrating to keep advising me to do one thing and then I do another. I wouldn't blame you if you just deleted this thread. In my defence, I can only say that I didn't start the thread, although I am very grateful to gianfrancogorgonzola for having done so. I feel that I have become a serial 'time waster', and I am conscious that there are other needy people on MN who are probably more deserving of your unfailing kindness, wisdom, and tremendous support.