Bf won't see his DS - deal breaker?

[Undecidedandtorn]

I've been seeing someone for 3 months - we have had a great time going out or staying in and I would say we are really happy. But there is one thing that bugs me and I just can't shake it.

He has 3 sons - 21, 19 and almost 17. He sees the two eldest every now and then - he will take them out for dinner am and is in contact with them outside of that via text. But he never sees the youngest. My bf has asked him to meet lots of times but the son just says he's too busy. The youngest son still lives at home with his mum.

His ex cheated on him - after that happened they tried again but she called time on it. He moved out and now hates her. He messaged his son and asked about meeting on his birthday- the son responded to say there might be a dinner out and he could come. My bf said to me he can't go if his ex is there. I just find this unbelievable - like can't he as a grown-up just suck it up? But I have a good relationship with my ex so not sure if I'm being unreasonable here to be so bothered by it. How much would this bother you?

3 months is about the time people drop their mask and you see the real them.

There is something wrong with a man who won't see his children.
There is something wrong with a man who says he hates his ex and won't attend his own son's birthday dinner.

That is what I keep coming back to. I have an unusually good relationship with my ex but we have both worked hard at it.

He sounds petty. It would be a deal breaker for me that he doesnt see his child.

I do know lots of people can't bear their exs. But they tend to have set vists - like every other weekend because the kids are younger.

I would be wary. He can't put his differences with the ex aside for an hour to see his child on his birthday.

Dealbreaker.

You have been seeing someone for 3 mon ths which means he is still showing you the best of himself.

And this is apparently the best of himself.

I'd run.

Definitely run.

He needs to grow up.

I know lots of people take it in turns to do Christmas ect - is this different?

What do you mean - is this different ? You’ve been dating this man for 3 months and you say he never sees his child. Are you suggesting that he and his ex take turns and that the boy is going to stay with his dad for the next 3 months ? It makes no sense .

I disagree. It was pretty stupid to expect to see the child on his actual birthday as he was bound to already have plans.

this marriage broke up messily - why should your BF spend an evening with a woman who treated him like shit? Even for a birthday - it would just be awkward for everyone, including the kid.

There is no reason why he can't see his son any other night of the year! But it sounds like the son isn't for meeting up any time - is that right? Well that is the case, I wonder why not?

Sorry! What I meant was he doesn't feel able to spend time with his ex which is why he feels he can't go to a family dinner. I know most split couples wouldn't spend Christmas together (for example) and was just wondering if this is similar.

Not wanting to.spend time with his ex or do a family dinner is understandable but he should be proactively trying to see his son.
Is he doing this? Is his son rejecting his attempts or is your bf just not trying/ bothered. If the latter then that's a red flag imo.

You only have his word that his wife had an affair. More likely he did. I bet she'd tell a different story.

How long did he separate?

I know older people with dads/ FILs like this man. They're the dads who didn't attend their kids' weddings because their ex wife would be there/ have no relationship with their grandchildren for similar reasons. Generally they're like grown up versions of spoilt children.

Sounds to me like he’s trying to see his son but his son doesn’t want to know as he keeps making excuses.

I would suggest he takes his son for a meal for his birthday, just him and his son.

many people don’t see their children for all sorts of different reasons, it doesn’t mean they’re a shit person. Life is complicated sometimes.

I want to rip my ex's throat out and wouldn't be able to find it in me to be civil around him in this kind of context. He treated me appallingly. Does that make me weak or human? He has two children who do speak with him, the youngest is yet to find his independence at which point it's easier to rebuild his relationship. The teens are a difficult age and navigating co-parenting is tough.

Why is it bad to show your dc you won't socialise with someone who disrespected you by cheating? Having principles isn't a bad quality..

I wonder if PPs read the same OP message as me - "My bf has asked him to meet lots of times" shows the bf has tried hard to see him. Understandable that he can't face the birthday dinner. So no I don't think this is a red flag - it would be to me if he hadn't frequently tried to see him. I wonder whether the ex is making it difficult for the DS17 to see him?

Man child. Avoid. “hates” his ex.

Any person who chooses not to see their own child is scum

Sounds like he is estranged from his son right now
i also don’t blame him for not wanting to see his ex
I never see mine , it ended badly

only you can determine if this is normal baggage or a sign of something deeper

Those are not noble principles. Noble principles would be putting your child first on their birthday.

OP
I would be wary of someone who hates their ex, and still hasn’t got over it enough to spend an evening together for the sake of their child

I am baffled as to how you interpret that as a man not seeing his son through choice.