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Original poster

Bf won't see his DS - deal breaker?

139 replies

Undecidedandtorn · 06/11/2022 17:08

I've been seeing someone for 3 months - we have had a great time going out or staying in and I would say we are really happy. But there is one thing that bugs me and I just can't shake it.

He has 3 sons - 21, 19 and almost 17. He sees the two eldest every now and then - he will take them out for dinner am and is in contact with them outside of that via text. But he never sees the youngest. My bf has asked him to meet lots of times but the son just says he's too busy. The youngest son still lives at home with his mum.

His ex cheated on him - after that happened they tried again but she called time on it. He moved out and now hates her. He messaged his son and asked about meeting on his birthday- the son responded to say there might be a dinner out and he could come. My bf said to me he can't go if his ex is there. I just find this unbelievable - like can't he as a grown-up just suck it up? But I have a good relationship with my ex so not sure if I'm being unreasonable here to be so bothered by it. How much would this bother you?

OP posts:
Darbs76 · 07/11/2022 06:28

Many people can’t sit at a meal with their ex’s. I do think grown adults should try and be civil for their child’s sake for things like weddings etc, but I don’t think it’s bad that he doesn’t want to go to a family meal with his ex. There would only be an atmosphere by the sounds of it and neither parents would want that for their children on their bday. Has he arranged another night to take his son out for his bday?

GreyCarpet · 07/11/2022 07:12

AutumnCrow · 07/11/2022 06:21

I couldn't be arsed with all the drama after 3 months tbh.

It's not drama and it's none of the OP's business unless she makes it so.

Original poster
Undecidedandtorn · 07/11/2022 07:25

Runnerduck34 · 06/11/2022 20:26

Not wanting to.spend time with his ex or do a family dinner is understandable but he should be proactively trying to see his son.
Is he doing this? Is his son rejecting his attempts or is your bf just not trying/ bothered. If the latter then that's a red flag imo.

He has tried in that he's asked him to meet lots - suggested things he know he would like. He's not contacted his ex asking her to help facilitate contact which is what my next step would be.

OP posts:
Original poster
Undecidedandtorn · 07/11/2022 07:26

Fireflygal · 06/11/2022 20:39

How long did he separate?

6 months ago. He's seen him briefly a couple of times to give him cash for hair cuts ect.

OP posts:
Original poster
Undecidedandtorn · 07/11/2022 07:27

antiquisearchers · 06/11/2022 20:44

I know older people with dads/ FILs like this man. They're the dads who didn't attend their kids' weddings because their ex wife would be there/ have no relationship with their grandchildren for similar reasons. Generally they're like grown up versions of spoilt children.

My first husband had a dad like this. He knew he wouldn't come to our wedding and it really hurt him.

OP posts:
Confusion101 · 07/11/2022 07:29

Undecidedandtorn · 07/11/2022 07:25

He has tried in that he's asked him to meet lots - suggested things he know he would like. He's not contacted his ex asking her to help facilitate contact which is what my next step would be.

Show quote history

Contact the ex that cheated on him and hurt him a lot to arrange to meet his almost adult son? Dear God why???

70billionthnamechange · 07/11/2022 07:29

HaggisBurger · 06/11/2022 20:57

Man child. Avoid. “hates” his ex.

I would hate someone who cheated on me too. This would soooo be a different story if the man cheated and woman didn't want to see him. He's tried to see his kids and now it's in that cheating (insert profanity here) terms. Sod that

Original poster
Undecidedandtorn · 07/11/2022 07:30

Whatabambam · 06/11/2022 20:49

I want to rip my ex's throat out and wouldn't be able to find it in me to be civil around him in this kind of context. He treated me appallingly. Does that make me weak or human? He has two children who do speak with him, the youngest is yet to find his independence at which point it's easier to rebuild his relationship. The teens are a difficult age and navigating co-parenting is tough.

I am so sorry you were treated so badly. Maybe I need to hear his whole story - I know teens is a tricky time

OP posts:
Original poster
Undecidedandtorn · 07/11/2022 07:33

SandyY2K · 06/11/2022 23:41

I'm not sure I agree with you here. His son is 17 and he can see him without having to see his ex. Is the mother of the older 2 the same as the mother of the youngest?

His son is making excuses, but he just needs to carry on trying, however, he can't force him...it's not like he's not trying or making any attempt to see him.

All the same mum - they were together for 22 years

OP posts:
Original poster
Undecidedandtorn · 07/11/2022 07:36

RobinRobinMouse · 07/11/2022 05:17

I think I would talk to him about it and work out his full feelings and thoughts. He clearly hasn't just abandoned his son, the two of them are just finding it hard to sort, he's 17 so probably has a lot of other things he wants to be doing! A birthday can be done through two different dinners at different times if needs be, but something bigger like a wedding is important- would he be able to put his son first for something like that?

His son is super busy all the time - even when they lived in the same house he didn't see him much . He said for weddings and funerals he would go but a meal with his ex and her family would be too much

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 07/11/2022 07:38

Undecidedandtorn · 07/11/2022 07:26

6 months ago. He's seen him briefly a couple of times to give him cash for hair cuts ect.

Show quote history

This is all so recent.

I think that is far more relevant. It downstairs sounds like any of them have had chance to process, heal or move on.

And he got together with you 12 weeks after a 22 year arrange ended?

The fact he hasn't seen his son is a red herring IMO. His son is hurting. He is hurting. You shouldn't be in the picture at all.

Original poster
Undecidedandtorn · 07/11/2022 07:38

autienotnaughty · 07/11/2022 05:58

Why can't he just see him a different night? I doubt my ex would come on a family dinner (other than say wedding) he would do his own thing with them. It does get harder for the ex when the kids get older, my exdh had a steady routine of eow and Tuesday nights for 6 years but then they got older and wanted to see friends and he moved further away so they couldn't pop in easily. Now they are 20+23 and are at uni/moved out. I see them 2/3 a month as their lives , friends , partners are in our town. But they only see him every month to few months. Is he trying to see ds but just doesn't want to go to the meal?

He would love to see his son another night but the son flakes out all the time.

OP posts:
SunflowerTed · 07/11/2022 07:39

Bestcatmum · 06/11/2022 20:29

You only have his word that his wife had an affair. More likely he did. I bet she'd tell a different story.

Did you really say that?!!!!!!

SunflowerTed · 07/11/2022 07:42

Yankeescot · 06/11/2022 21:47

OP, my BF is in a very similar situation. His Son is the same age as yours. BF makes plans with him every week and over the last 6 mos-1yr his Son always cancels on him last minute as going to meet friends, wants to game instead, etc etc.

My BF is crushed weekly when his Son cancels, but at that age they're coming into early adulthood and would much rather be with friends than their scabby old parents. His Daughter, who is 3 yrs older than brother, is away at Uni but always spends time with her Dad when she's in town.

It's certainly not for lack of trying and I think your BF is in the same situation as mine. Doesn't sound as if it's lack of trying to see his Son, as he does see his older Son's. Sounds as if the youngest just can't be bothered currently which isn't that uncommon at that age. And that's not his fault.

Totally agree. All the man haters telling her to run obviously haven’t been on the receiving end of parental alienation from the mother

PorridgewithQuark · 07/11/2022 07:47

Undecidedandtorn · 07/11/2022 07:26

6 months ago. He's seen him briefly a couple of times to give him cash for hair cuts ect.

Show quote history

Although obviously he's single and perfectly free to date, I think a relationship that started only three months after he came out of a 22 year marriage which ended in a very charged way (not a long drift) is unlikely to be a good bet long term anyway. That's a very fresh break up of a long term family.

You've only been seeing him 3 months. He's full of hate for the ex he only left six months ago. He lived with his teen son until 6 months ago but didn't see him much when living with him (this is odd - and I speak as the mother of a 17 year old with an active social life - we still see her a lot) and has only seen him twice briefly in the half year since... To pay for haircuts is odd too... driving lessons? Lifts?

Is his son turning 17 or turning 18?

How invested are you? It sounds very rebound relationship regardless of whether not seeing his teenager is your line in the sand.

youlightupmyday · 07/11/2022 07:47

Why doesn't he say something like "I think it would still be a bit awkward between me your mum at the moment and that might mean you don't enjoy the dinner as much. Why don't we go out another night, just the two of us as i would really like to celebrate with you'

The son may be struggling with him getting a new girlfriend so soon after the split too btw.

Whizzi24 · 07/11/2022 07:47

He sees his eldest two DC and makes frequent attempts to arrange to see the youngest. Doesn't sound like someone who refuses to see his kids to me. My DH and his ex have a reasonable relationship but they don't arrange social events where they have to be together- it's just awkward. DSS sees both parents separately for birthdays etc. So long as he is making the effort to see him, I don't think there is anything particularly wrong with the situation you describe.

Original poster
Undecidedandtorn · 07/11/2022 08:08

PorridgewithQuark · 07/11/2022 07:47

Although obviously he's single and perfectly free to date, I think a relationship that started only three months after he came out of a 22 year marriage which ended in a very charged way (not a long drift) is unlikely to be a good bet long term anyway. That's a very fresh break up of a long term family.

You've only been seeing him 3 months. He's full of hate for the ex he only left six months ago. He lived with his teen son until 6 months ago but didn't see him much when living with him (this is odd - and I speak as the mother of a 17 year old with an active social life - we still see her a lot) and has only seen him twice briefly in the half year since... To pay for haircuts is odd too... driving lessons? Lifts?

Is his son turning 17 or turning 18?

How invested are you? It sounds very rebound relationship regardless of whether not seeing his teenager is your line in the sand.

Show quote history

Sorry- he's turning 17. We live in a big city with great public transport and he doesn't drive (I don't either ) so lessons/lifts isn't a thing. I think he means his son used to finish school, go to the gym, hang out with his friends and then just come for a quick bite before gaming in his room.

I understand what your saying about a rebound but so far (apart from this) he has been really great.

OP posts:
Untitledsquatboulder · 07/11/2022 08:15

Well I know a man's place is in the wrong, always but I can't really see what this one has done wrong. I'd be more concerned that he wasn't really ready to date 6 months after a nasty break up.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 07/11/2022 08:17

Sounds like he's trying to have contact with his son .

There's no way would I want to sit with my ex and his family for a meal so I don't blame him for that. Also the son is 17! He doesn't need to be ringing the ex to try and facilitate contact! At 17 it's up to his son what he wants to do

BittenontheBum · 07/11/2022 08:21

At 17 I rarely saw my father either. I was working and partying tbh. He was the absent parent. It was up to me after age 14 to make the arrangements.
He wouldn't have been invited to 'family ' meals, my siblings and mum didn't want to see him. (Rightly now I'm looking back as an adult) .
It sounds like he has a relationship with his adult children despite their busy young lives. Teenagers at that age can be awkward.
I agree attending a family dinner may be difficult. Has the ex agreed to to this? Is this just his son asking? Maybe he can suggest something his son would like to do just the two of them or involve the older two aswell?
I'm not seeing red flags, just a father with a teenager.

2pinkginsplease · 07/11/2022 08:22

I have a friend who’s teens won’t spend time with their dad because she told them why they separated- she told the kids he was having an affair, so kids don’t want to see him and are showing loyalty to their mum.

I know this friend wouldn’t spend a second in the company of her ex.

could it be that the ex has told the kids a random story about why he left and this teen is showing loyalty to their mum?

J0CASTA · 07/11/2022 08:28

@Undecidedandtorn is he paying child support ?

The story about the mum cheating doesn’t really match up with the teens actions. At 17 they are old enough to understand these things and have an opinion.

Also he must be hurt that his father didn’t bother with him when they lived together and now he has a new partner weeks after leaving his marriage.

LizzieSiddal · 07/11/2022 08:29

Bloody hell, they’ve only been separated for 6 months, I can totally understand why he wouldn’t want to go to a dinner with his ex!

However he should make an effort, could he not go and see his son at the restaurant, say hello, give him his gift, then leave? The son is probably feeling upset about his dad leaving him and wants to see his dad making an effort.

spaceshiptrain · 07/11/2022 08:31

Never commit to anyone you wouldn't trust to be a decent ex.