Bf won't see his DS - deal breaker?

[Undecidedandtorn]

I've been seeing someone for 3 months - we have had a great time going out or staying in and I would say we are really happy. But there is one thing that bugs me and I just can't shake it.

He has 3 sons - 21, 19 and almost 17. He sees the two eldest every now and then - he will take them out for dinner am and is in contact with them outside of that via text. But he never sees the youngest. My bf has asked him to meet lots of times but the son just says he's too busy. The youngest son still lives at home with his mum.

His ex cheated on him - after that happened they tried again but she called time on it. He moved out and now hates her. He messaged his son and asked about meeting on his birthday- the son responded to say there might be a dinner out and he could come. My bf said to me he can't go if his ex is there. I just find this unbelievable - like can't he as a grown-up just suck it up? But I have a good relationship with my ex so not sure if I'm being unreasonable here to be so bothered by it. How much would this bother you?

Op, you asked how much would it bother others..

It would bother me for a number of reasons. He isn't over or even through ending a 22 year marriage. Whatever happened between him and his (still) wife will take time to unravel. Do you really think he is in a place to have a relationship? I assume a divorce will happen and that will bring further drama.
Are you ready to be his support/crutch through this? He may appear ok but how can he be?

I always think those who go straight into another relationship, especially after a long marriage, are trying to find ways to cover the hurt and loneliness. The high of a new relationship soothes any low feelings but he needs to work through the marriage ending - I think you are in for a bumpy 2 years whilst everything is processed, including his relationship with children. The divorce is likely to throw up further conflict that may involve his nearly adult children...are you really ready for that?

Sounds like the mum is influencing her youngest to be ‘loyal’ to her.He’s only 17, still dependant on his mum, probably finding it hard to see his dad without his mum making him feel bad.
I would give the relationship a bit longer, three months is nothing.

you only hold onto anger if you aren't over the relationship so it's not really about sucking it up for the sake of the boy, it's about the fact that he's still got problems to do with his ex and he needs to resolve them before fully committing to his next relationship.

In general I'd run from anyone who didnt see their kids but -

He has three kids and sees the older two
He is clearly trying to see his son and trying to arrange things
He was with his ex for 22 years and has only been split up 6 months. That is no time at all, a lot of people would struggle to be in the same room being civil, it's likely financial links are still being wound up. If he was like this after a couple of years then that's different but many people are still reeling from everything after a few months and a bit of space might be better than trying to fake a relationship where you're not still hurt etc

So I dont think it's an automatic dump. I do think its early for a relationship though.

I think YABU to describe this as "won't see his child". He clearly will see him, he's been actively trying to see him, he just didn't want to see him in the specific circumstances of dinner with his cheating ex. That's a totally different scenario - he simply wouldn't see him on this occasion. He actively wants to see him in general.

Son clearly doesn't WANT to see dad 121.

Tells you what you need to know surely?

After 22 years of marriage he got a new girlfriend just 3 months later?

And the wife apparently had an affair so he's moved out and on and his parenting is to suggest meeting up, pay for hair cuts and occasional dinners with the older children? Do they still live at home too? Mmm, he's not sounding great to me. Is he paying child support for the one at home? Are they still wrangling over divorce and assets?

Quite frankly, the red flag is that he got into a new relationship so quickly. It's a miracle the older ones want anything to do with him either. Whether or not his ex had an affair is irrelevant. He's telling the children that either way, he's very happy to move on and away.

Also, when I was 17, if my parents had broken up I can totally see not wanting to spend time with my dad or whoever I blamed. BUT... at that age there were all kinds of things that my dad was involved in and would have continued or, I assume, h e'd have tried to continue. eg he was the one who taught me to drive. eg 2 I was studying for exams etc and some of that support came from him. eg 3 I played sport and my dad would have turned up for matches and also did his share of the lifting around for practices/games.

It does rather sound like your DP has just happily left it all and rather taken the approach of "oh, they don't want to see me" and let it go. Parenting isn't just about SEEING the child. It's also about engaging with their school, supporting them in their activities, ensuring they have the things they need etc etc.

I wonder if PPs read the same OP message as me - "My bf has asked him to meet lots of times" shows the bf has tried hard to see him.

Yes I read it.
And I curled my lip at it.
Like I curled my lip at his "crazy ex" narrative.

If this b/f had spent less time displaying his hatred for his sons' mother, & more on establishing regular, committed contact with them, he's probably have a relationship with his younger son now.

How many mothers would you similarly excuse for "trying" to see their son - but repeatedly, inexplicably failing @AliMonkey ?

Exactly my thoughts.

His son is super busy all the time - even when they lived in the same house he didn't see him much .
You say this as if it's the son's responsibility to foster a relationship with his own dad.
I read it as a man who didn't bother to ensure he saw his own child. Who was at best, passive, disengaged ... at worst, neglectful.

I think he means his son used to finish school, go to the gym, hang out with his friends and then just come for a quick bite before gaming in his room.
And his dad sat by & allowed that to happen.
He's doing just the same now.

He doesn't have to attend the birthday meal with his ex if that's too hard. But he can arrange a different meal - maybe with the 2 older sons too.

BIL used to be all "woe is me" because he didn't interact much with his DD.... because she didn't call him. She was 15.

Your DP is sounding very similar. He clearly wasn't a very engaged parent even when he did live in the house if he had so little contact with his 16 year old son.

I notice you haven't responded re whether he's paying maintenance or any other costs. or is the mean ex so mean that he has "nothing". Has he moved in with you? Because that is striking me as the next step he'll be taking.

My other BIL is currently whining about how he "didn't expect to be having to move out and not be with his DC when they were still young," and genuinely thinks people will be sympathetic. He's moving out because he has been a crappy partner and parent for a very long time and SIL is just tired of it.

what gift is he buying for his son's 17th birthday? I mean, it's a pretty big deal - first birthday after the break up, so his son is probably fragile and struggling; your DP wants to connect. I'm sure he's putting a lot of thought into the perfect birthday gift and will be offering a selection of birthday events or activities the two of them could do together?

No, didn't think so.

I don't know.
Is the ex still with the OM?

I just think this is mostly bad timing.
He's not even divorced yet and barely separated before you got together.
Good chance you're the rebound and once he's recovered, he'll move on.
I really wouldn't be looking for this to be any long term.

Good grief. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt here.

So many people here blaming the man for this issue when it was his ex who cheated on him. No wonder he doesn't want to be at a party with her there. Far too soon and too painful, I would think.

And he sees his two adult dc. The one of 17 isn't really a child any more, it isn't as if the bloke has walked out and left his kids bereft and is refusing to see them. He is trying to arrange to see the 17-year-old who keeps making excuses, and only wants to see his dad at a party with his mother there too. Maybe he's trying to get them back together again.

@KettrickenSmiled I would say exactly the same if it was a mum in same position. Would you?

We all know that resident parents sometimes follow a narrative aimed at alienating NRP. And that 17yo can think the last thing they want to do is spend time with a parent even when the parent is living with them never mind having to make an effort to see them.

Agree that doesn’t sound like they had a great relationship when parents were together - but suspect the mum didn’t either. I’m not saying “he sounds like a wonderful dad” but I don’t think his current relationship with his son is sufficient reason for OP to dump him.

They were meant to tell the kids together but he got home from work and she had already told them. They had both agreed to never mention the fact she slept with someone else.

He did bother with him when they lived together- the son was just out a lot or in his room. None of the kids know the mum cheated.

The child ( not so child) is 17, he oblivious doesn’t what to see his father , why is that a deal breaker??

want

You BF hasn't don't anything wrong here... he can't force his child to see him...he's 17.

If you want to end it, you don't need an excuse.

He has an agreement with his ex around money - I haven't asked what it is but they sorted it out before he left. I have 2 kids so no one is moving in with me until the youngest is at uni - 10 years from now.

I think it was a short lived thing with OM - he hasn't really told me what happened yet. I have to say I did worry about how recent his split was.

Like others, am baffled by how he could be doing anything wrong here.

He continues to make multiple attempts to see his son who is 17 but keeps cancelling on him.

The son proposes dad joins at a FAMILY dinner, with presumably lots of other (ex-wife) family members there, during which time he is probably not even going to be sitting next to his 17 yr old?! For what? Just to look at him and maybe get a few words together in passing? That is not what I'd call spending quality time together.

Please remember, this lack of contact is driven by his son who you've said has always been a busy type of person so he's just doing what he's always done. Hopefully, in time, and maybe with a nudge from older siblings, he'll start to make space in his life for his dad. I think you would be mad to throw your relationship away just because your BF doesn't want to go to a lunch with lots of others, just to "see" his son, rather than spend quality time together.

So basically the title of this thread is wrong? He will see his son!