Bf won't see his DS - deal breaker?

[Undecidedandtorn]

I've been seeing someone for 3 months - we have had a great time going out or staying in and I would say we are really happy. But there is one thing that bugs me and I just can't shake it.

He has 3 sons - 21, 19 and almost 17. He sees the two eldest every now and then - he will take them out for dinner am and is in contact with them outside of that via text. But he never sees the youngest. My bf has asked him to meet lots of times but the son just says he's too busy. The youngest son still lives at home with his mum.

His ex cheated on him - after that happened they tried again but she called time on it. He moved out and now hates her. He messaged his son and asked about meeting on his birthday- the son responded to say there might be a dinner out and he could come. My bf said to me he can't go if his ex is there. I just find this unbelievable - like can't he as a grown-up just suck it up? But I have a good relationship with my ex so not sure if I'm being unreasonable here to be so bothered by it. How much would this bother you?

How does this account tally with him saying he hates his ex and can't sit at a table with her present for his son's birthday dinner?

Perhaps he's bitter that he was prepared to make it work even after she had seen someone else, and she was the one that ended it?

Yeah, his story isn't adding up. Doesn't mean he's a big evil horrible man, but I'd be cautious myself.

OP your DC are small but can you really imagine not being interested in what is going in your DC's life when they're 16? Even if they're out and about a lot, wouldn't you be making the effort?

I think this comes down to the key issue. My eldest is 15 and I talk to him every day. But I have him 50 % of the time along with his brother who's 8 and I have a good relationship with my ex . So I get that it's a different situation.

He has a good relationship with his older two sons. He tries to get his son to see him by suggesting different days out. He's kept his wife's secret that she was sleeping with a man behind his back. He doesn't want to spend a cosy family meal with his cheating ex who's happy to be lying to her children while he's seated opposite.

Honestly, I don't see what the guy's done wrong.

Er ... perhaps you'd care to return to the post I made at Today 09:00 @Confusion101?

The one that's full of nothing but admiration for how my dad handled the appalling fallout of his divorce, while staying as close as possible to his kids?

The same one that mentions how my mother lied?

Or maybe you could do even more homework, & quote anything I've posted in this thread saying anything remotely like you claim about men?

Nope - I thought not.
It's embarrassing, taking unsubstantiated potshots at PP & being unable to back them up when challenged, innit? You may prefer to slink quietly off rather than draw any more attention to your ... odd "conclusions" ...

Of course it's a different situation.
You MADE this situation.
You chose to coparent, chose to stay involved, chose to be 50/50 resident parent.

Just like your b/f made his situation.
Only time & careful watching will uncover how much of this is passivity/neglect, & how much of what he claims is true.
And how much you are able to reconcile yourself to how /much effort he actually makes compared to your own parenting choices.

But just keep reminding yourself you've only known him for 3 months. 13 weeks!!! - you have no obligation to take his word as gospel.

You wouldn't TRY to see your DC, would you?
You'd move heaven & earth to make it happen.
Men get a little more plausibility leeway on this issue, because the societal convention is that parenting is default to women - while Disney Dads are not just accepted, they are praised for staying involved at all.

Maybe your man is a diamond & his son is cutting up about seeing him 'cos he's still working out his own issues. Maybe not. Keep your wits about you OP & you'll soon be able to draw your own conclusions.

It sounds like you're trying to find fault.

I can imagine him going to the dinner with his son and ex wife on his birthday and a thread being started called "MY DP IS HAVING DINNER WITH HIS EX WIFE - IS THIS A DEAL BREAKER"?

Given I have dinner with my ex and our two kids twice a week I wouldn't have a problem with this

He has repeatedly tried to see his son, how is this a red flag, what do you expect him to do ? Kidnap the boy?

The problem for you here is not his relationship with his DS, but more that he will still be very emotionally tied to his ex after 22 years, and only a few months down the line. He is not over her, not nearly. Hate is as strong an emotion as love. That he can't even see her yet just shows how hurt he is still. I think you'd be better off swerving the whole situation. Absolutely don't even consider moving in with him until full divorce and when he can manage being civil.

This is very unusual. In fact, this is far more unusual than a 17 year old who has better things to do than see his dad or a man who doesn't want to go for dinner with his ex wife who cheated on him.

His circumstances are different to yours and so is the way he manages it. That is all.

His hatred for his ex is outdoing his love for his child. Run a mile.

No it's not.
His sons said he can go to the meal so he doesn't have to make any effort to see his dad another time.