Bf won't see his DS - deal breaker?

[Undecidedandtorn]

I've been seeing someone for 3 months - we have had a great time going out or staying in and I would say we are really happy. But there is one thing that bugs me and I just can't shake it.

He has 3 sons - 21, 19 and almost 17. He sees the two eldest every now and then - he will take them out for dinner am and is in contact with them outside of that via text. But he never sees the youngest. My bf has asked him to meet lots of times but the son just says he's too busy. The youngest son still lives at home with his mum.

His ex cheated on him - after that happened they tried again but she called time on it. He moved out and now hates her. He messaged his son and asked about meeting on his birthday- the son responded to say there might be a dinner out and he could come. My bf said to me he can't go if his ex is there. I just find this unbelievable - like can't he as a grown-up just suck it up? But I have a good relationship with my ex so not sure if I'm being unreasonable here to be so bothered by it. How much would this bother you?

He does want to see his son, he just doesn’t want to do a dinner with his ex.

There’s a lot of thread mis-titling about. Like, ‘nobody came to my party’ when she had about twenty people there. Makes you wonder why.

OP are you looking for a reason to dump him and hoped we'd all encourage you to?

Cannot believe how many anti-men posters have jumped on this.

He could be telling the truth that she cheated on him ! But, of course women don't do nasty things so let's call him a liar. Have you heard yourselves.

Sounds like mum is getting son to take sides to me and son removes himself from situation... cancelling last minute to not be drawn in.

He should keep trying though, he could take son out himself he doesn't have to tell him he doesn't want to see his mum.. could say he's busy but he'll treat him seperately.

I probably wouldn't want to have dinner with an ex, where no doubt she'd bitch about him at any opportunity

No - he SAYS he makes attempts to see his youngest.
He SAYS the only way he can see the youngest for his birthday is the family meal - he doesn't what to attend that, fair enough - but doesn't arrange an alternative.
He SAYS he's in touch with the older 2, but this seems to be mainly via text, with an occasional dinner.

Please remember, this lack of contact is driven by his son who you've said has always been a busy type of person so he's just doing what he's always done.
Again - he SAYS his son was too busy to see him when they still shared a home. How often do you hear a MOTHER say that? And just give up, & allow her child to drift from her without making determined efforts to share time & activities?

He SAYS he has 'an arrangement' re: finances with his wife.
Sure, he's entitled to be vague about that, he's only known OP 3 months.
But it's also conveniently opaque.
How can he have an arrangement? - is he even divorced yet?
What will happen with the marital home once youngest leaves home?
Is there a maintenance order in place?
Why is there no contact schedule?
Why is he not arranging regular contact via his ex?

He's seen his youngest son twice on 6 months, & has conditioned OP into thinking this is down to the son's 'flaking out' - when it actually sounds far more like this is simply a continuation of the pattern of benign neglect carried over from when they all lived together as a family.

So many people here blaming the man for this issue when it was his ex who cheated on him.
He SAYS she cheated ...

There is too much of The Script hovering over this 3 month relationship for OP to let her guard down. I hope she remains wary. Espcially of any siggestions that he move in with her.

I am divorced from my DC dad. We separated when my DS was 15. To be honest my DS made little effort to see or spend time with his dad. I would encourage him, but he was at an age where he was finding his independence and wanted to spend free time doing the things he enjoyed.

If you have similar aged DC in the home, do the want to go out with you of their friends?

For example at 18 my DS went on holiday with his friends. There was no way he was coming with me and my DD. Fast forward to age 22 and he happily came away with us this year.

I personally think it's normal behaviour from the DS and as long as the dad offers to include and invite him to events etc. I would not worry.

My folks split when I was 16. Acrimoniously & with a huge volume of character-assassinating lies from my mother about my dad.

The very worst thing my dad ever said about my mother (who painted him an alcoholic, a wife-beater & a child molester - she has a serious personality disorder) was "your mum can be ...difficult, Kett".

He didn't badmouth her to others, & he never once allowed her batshittery to put him off chasing contact with his kids. He wrote letters, he showed up, he made legally documented maintenance (over)payments, he rang us, he remained interested in our lives & committed to seeing us frequently, even though not on a regular contact schedule.

He even included her in the dinners he used to drive an hour each way to treat us to. Because - bitch as she was - she was his children's mother. OP's new man needs to suck it up. A man who can't be in the same room as his ex - to benefit his kids ffs - is quite probably not ready for his next relationship.

I think people are blaming him because most can't imagine a mother not being blamed if she didn't move heaven and earth to see her 16 year old more than twice, both times very briefly, in 6 months.

The boy is 16 - his 17th birthday is approaching, he's not nearly 18. This does make a difference at this age.

I can't imagine not seeing my 17 or 15 year olds, nor kidding myself that they should be the ones making an effort to stay in touch with me if I moved out, regardless of whether their father had cheated.

That's where the blame comes from, although of course there's always an element of healthy scepticism about hearing only one side of the story about a breakup - we all know people who role reverse when telling stories about cheating and ending marriages, especially when there are children involved and one parent freely shares with a new partner that they "hate" the other parent of their children.

Not at all! I really like him. I just struggled with this one thing and couldn't work out if I was overreacting.

It would put me off too Undecidedandtorn because as I said I can't imagine not making it my highest priority to see my 15 or 16 or 17 year old child regularly if for some reason I was the one who left the family home - regardless of what their father had done.

Lots of women are not put off, very clearly. Lots of women start second or third families with men who don't see even their small children and choose to accept that. Even more women are okay with it if it's teens and token gestures have been made.

I don't think you're unreasonable to be put off him by this, but others would think it's fine, so it's not really much help I guess!

For what it's worth, 3 months in, dump is the default IMO no matter what it is you're uncomfortable with - even if it's that he doesn't walk his do every day or leaves his socks next to the washing basket not in it... If you're not in the rose tinted honeymoon phase in the first year when you only know the things he wants you to know about him, it'll only get less ideal as time goes on and the things he doesn't wear on his sleeve begin to show!

*that should be even if the thing putting you off is that he doesn't walk his dog 🐕 enough, not his do...

I also think DP should suck it up and attend the birthday dinner. He should put his feelings to one side to put his son first. I appreciate break up is raw but he’s clearly over it enough to have a new relationship and we all have to do difficult things….

Does the son know about you OP?

But it would put me off him in your shoes…

My view is that he is trying to see his youngest son, but the son simply doesn't want to see him for whatever reason. If he didn't try that is one thing, but he is making the effort.

I expect the son invited your bf to his birthday meal knowing that he would not go as the split is still raw and it is likely they could not keep composure being around each other for several hours.

So to answer your question, it wouldn't bother me given the circumstances.

So in conclusion according to @KettrickenSmiled men are lying, cheating, lazy bastards.... Ffs!

It does amaze me how low the standard is for men. So, he has invited his 16 year old out a few times and the 16 year old has declined/cancelled and so it's all okay, he "tried".

I agree with @KettrickenSmiled He hates his ex, but they are still parents so my question is - is he even capable of engaging with her on basic parenting things? Does he have any idea how his son is doing at school? who his friends are etc? What about next steps eg college/uni/apprenticeships etc?

He sounds incredibly passive when it comes to his children and even regarding this supposed affair.

My 17 year old doesn’t have a relationship with his Dad, he hasn’t seen him for almost one year. His Dad cheated on me with my friend who also lived next door.

In the early stages I encouraged him to get in touch now I feel he’s old enough to decide.

I must admit if I met someone and they didn’t see there child I would see red flags straight away.

Is it possible that the reason is that he's a shitty dad? Because that's what it sounds like to me.

But that's not his choice is it? It's the son who is choosing not to see his dad, not the other way around.
OP - if he is trying to see his son and you know he is making the effort then no, I wouldn't see this as an issue. I would wonder why his son had suggested this as an option? He's 17, he doesn't need to see his parents at the same time, and whilst I appreciate that he may want to spend the majority of his time with friends at that age, he doesn't seem to have any interest in maintaining a relationship with his dad. However, the other 2 children do, so I wouldn't necessarily put this down to him as a father, more to the kids being at different life stages.

Yeah, because women never have affairs!

It's true, women do have affairs. But there are so many odd things about this man's story that it doesn't seem weird to think possibly he's not telling the whole truth.

• his wife has an affair and 3 months later he's in a semi-serious relationship with OP?
• He claims his son won't see him but he's clearly making just the bare minimum of effort and doesn't appear to be making any effort to actually co-parent with his ex. He's completely disengaged. H
• She had the affair supposedly and he's just happily and easily moved out.... and finances are already all sorted etc?

Yeah, none of this rings true for me.

It could be but we do not know for sure. You may think he sounds like a shitty dad; I don't based on what OP has said. There are lots of factors that could be at play that we cannot see.

He doesn't know about me at all.

So to clear a few things up - I wouldn't say it was a full-blown affair and it was a while back. They decided to put it behind them and try and make their marriage work partly as at that time they had 3 kids living at home. After a year or so she called time on relationship. There was a conversation on who would stay in the home but it made sense that she would stay, and he would move out. They were renting and had no pension to talk of so no real split of assets needed. They came to an agreement about finances in terms of their youngest. He moved out and I met him 3 month later. I don't think it was easy for him to move out but kike my own split things hadn't been right for a while, so he probably saw it coming.