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Original poster

Bf won't see his DS - deal breaker?

139 replies

Undecidedandtorn · 06/11/2022 17:08

I've been seeing someone for 3 months - we have had a great time going out or staying in and I would say we are really happy. But there is one thing that bugs me and I just can't shake it.

He has 3 sons - 21, 19 and almost 17. He sees the two eldest every now and then - he will take them out for dinner am and is in contact with them outside of that via text. But he never sees the youngest. My bf has asked him to meet lots of times but the son just says he's too busy. The youngest son still lives at home with his mum.

His ex cheated on him - after that happened they tried again but she called time on it. He moved out and now hates her. He messaged his son and asked about meeting on his birthday- the son responded to say there might be a dinner out and he could come. My bf said to me he can't go if his ex is there. I just find this unbelievable - like can't he as a grown-up just suck it up? But I have a good relationship with my ex so not sure if I'm being unreasonable here to be so bothered by it. How much would this bother you?

OP posts:
Iusedtobedontcall · 06/11/2022 21:13

The child is 17. It’s not the same as not seeing a 7 year old. The child has agency and relationships can be complex at this age.

Iusedtobedontcall · 06/11/2022 21:18

My Dd is 17 - she lives with her dad after I endured years of abuse from her. She has autism and has decided she hates me at the moment. She’ll see me sporadically and normally if I’m offering her something, but for my own sanity I have to detach a little. I am bringing up her siblings and brought her up too. I’m not ‘scum’ if she chooses not the see me.

J0CASTA · 06/11/2022 21:20

Undecidedandtorn · 06/11/2022 20:14

Sorry! What I meant was he doesn't feel able to spend time with his ex which is why he feels he can't go to a family dinner. I know most split couples wouldn't spend Christmas together (for example) and was just wondering if this is similar.

The issues isn’t his birthday. It’s the his father doesn’t see him the other 364 days of the year.

Your BF should be working really REALLY hard to restore the relationship with his son. Is he paying child support for him?

BHMiseverymonth · 06/11/2022 21:24

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 06/11/2022 21:25

Iusedtobedontcall

you are in no way scum x

people are making some instant assumptions based on not reading op properly

ive been close to having my asd son live with dad as it’s been tough as hell

and my ex hates me . We ended horribly
theres no way we could hang out together

saveusername1 · 06/11/2022 21:25

Iusedtobedontcall · 06/11/2022 21:18

My Dd is 17 - she lives with her dad after I endured years of abuse from her. She has autism and has decided she hates me at the moment. She’ll see me sporadically and normally if I’m offering her something, but for my own sanity I have to detach a little. I am bringing up her siblings and brought her up too. I’m not ‘scum’ if she chooses not the see me.

I said.... if a parent chooses not to see their child! Your child hates you as you put it.
If that wasn't the case, I'm sure you would see her

Iusedtobedontcall · 06/11/2022 21:36

To be fair, I do see her. I have to put up with some fairly awful behaviour though. But 17 isn’t strictly a child.

Yankeescot · 06/11/2022 21:47

OP, my BF is in a very similar situation. His Son is the same age as yours. BF makes plans with him every week and over the last 6 mos-1yr his Son always cancels on him last minute as going to meet friends, wants to game instead, etc etc.

My BF is crushed weekly when his Son cancels, but at that age they're coming into early adulthood and would much rather be with friends than their scabby old parents. His Daughter, who is 3 yrs older than brother, is away at Uni but always spends time with her Dad when she's in town.

It's certainly not for lack of trying and I think your BF is in the same situation as mine. Doesn't sound as if it's lack of trying to see his Son, as he does see his older Son's. Sounds as if the youngest just can't be bothered currently which isn't that uncommon at that age. And that's not his fault.

Harlequin1088 · 06/11/2022 22:18

The lad is 17 and if he can’t be bothered seeing his Dad then nobody can force him. I wouldn’t call this a red flag at all. The guy has a good relationship with his older kids but despite his efforts to make arrangements with him, the 17-year-old flakes out and finds something better to do. Kids that age are notoriously flakey. I wouldn’t worry about it. Your boyfriend not wanting to spend a meal with his ex isn’t a red flag either. I would have to be dragged kicking and screaming to a meal with any of my exes. Doesn’t make me a bad person. I just don’t want to spend time with someone who treated me badly.

SandyY2K · 06/11/2022 23:41

I'm not sure I agree with you here. His son is 17 and he can see him without having to see his ex. Is the mother of the older 2 the same as the mother of the youngest?

His son is making excuses, but he just needs to carry on trying, however, he can't force him...it's not like he's not trying or making any attempt to see him.

howdoyougethingsdone · 07/11/2022 03:13

Your bf has asked to meet his son on numerous occasions.

His son has said no but said he can come to the family meal.

Your bf doesn't want to go.

I'm not sure I blame your bf. Who knows what he could be walking into and it could create a bad atmosphere on his sons birthday!

Imagine if this was flipped and a husband went off with another woman. The children involved lived with their father and refused to see the mother unless she turned up at the family dinner attended by their father who cheated on her! MN'ers would be calling the ex-husband manipulative etc.

Give your bf some slack. He's been trying to make contact! His sons birthday meal is just not the place for it!

Quiegal · 07/11/2022 04:02

Undecidedandtorn · 06/11/2022 17:08

I've been seeing someone for 3 months - we have had a great time going out or staying in and I would say we are really happy. But there is one thing that bugs me and I just can't shake it.

He has 3 sons - 21, 19 and almost 17. He sees the two eldest every now and then - he will take them out for dinner am and is in contact with them outside of that via text. But he never sees the youngest. My bf has asked him to meet lots of times but the son just says he's too busy. The youngest son still lives at home with his mum.

His ex cheated on him - after that happened they tried again but she called time on it. He moved out and now hates her. He messaged his son and asked about meeting on his birthday- the son responded to say there might be a dinner out and he could come. My bf said to me he can't go if his ex is there. I just find this unbelievable - like can't he as a grown-up just suck it up? But I have a good relationship with my ex so not sure if I'm being unreasonable here to be so bothered by it. How much would this bother you?

Tbh it wouldn't bother as it's his business.

It not that he doesn't want to see his youngest just he can't be around the ex.

You just have to take his word if you interfer sticking your two sense in you might cause problems between you and he and you may end.

There's more maybe he hasn't told you.

girlmom21 · 07/11/2022 04:09

He's 17 and your bf has contact with him, but DS doesn't make time to see him, because he's 17. A meal would just be awkward and any tension, even subconsciously, would ruin if for everyone else.

Confusion101 · 07/11/2022 04:49

girlmom21 · 07/11/2022 04:09

He's 17 and your bf has contact with him, but DS doesn't make time to see him, because he's 17. A meal would just be awkward and any tension, even subconsciously, would ruin if for everyone else.

This!!!!! Cannot understand how everyone else can't see that! Is it the misleading title?

Midlifemusings · 07/11/2022 05:09

The misandry is strong in this thread

RobinRobinMouse · 07/11/2022 05:17

I think I would talk to him about it and work out his full feelings and thoughts. He clearly hasn't just abandoned his son, the two of them are just finding it hard to sort, he's 17 so probably has a lot of other things he wants to be doing! A birthday can be done through two different dinners at different times if needs be, but something bigger like a wedding is important- would he be able to put his son first for something like that?

MsGus · 07/11/2022 05:18

Did people read what the OP said? Most of the responses here make no sense. He sees he two eldest. The youngest, 17 keeps making excuses but the father has been proactively trying to spend time with his son.

whitramp · 07/11/2022 05:28

Sounds to me like the son is 'team mum' and your ex has taken path of least resistance, that said there is nothing on gods green earth that should stop him making a consistent and concerted effort to form a relationship with the boy. Does he pay maintenance?

For me, yes it would be a red flag.

I'd be wary of his version of the breakup. There are 2 sides to very story and clearly the youngest feels his mother has been wronged somehow.

I'm in the same shoes as the mother here. Ex has effectively chosen to estrange himself from older teenage children. From my side it's really difficult to manage the hurt this causes them on a regular basis. I'm pretty sure he pins the blame for this on me, and probably the kids to a lesser extent. Being a part time parent to older kids should be fairly straightforward. There is no need for my ex and myself to have any conversations or contact as kids can make their own arrangements. As such I can only assume he simply can't be bothered

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/11/2022 05:43

whitramp · 07/11/2022 05:28

Sounds to me like the son is 'team mum' and your ex has taken path of least resistance, that said there is nothing on gods green earth that should stop him making a consistent and concerted effort to form a relationship with the boy. Does he pay maintenance?

For me, yes it would be a red flag.

I'd be wary of his version of the breakup. There are 2 sides to very story and clearly the youngest feels his mother has been wronged somehow.

I'm in the same shoes as the mother here. Ex has effectively chosen to estrange himself from older teenage children. From my side it's really difficult to manage the hurt this causes them on a regular basis. I'm pretty sure he pins the blame for this on me, and probably the kids to a lesser extent. Being a part time parent to older kids should be fairly straightforward. There is no need for my ex and myself to have any conversations or contact as kids can make their own arrangements. As such I can only assume he simply can't be bothered

Personally I don’t think this sounds the same. The only thing the 17 yo is offering is to see his father whilst his mother is also present. That’s a clear message of where op’s bf is in his level of priorities. Accepting or declining to attend is a double edged sword.

Op you could speak to your bf again and say that he may want to reconsider this decision hard as it is as his ds may actually be testing him. Your bf has no idea what his ex has been saying.

autienotnaughty · 07/11/2022 05:58

Why can't he just see him a different night? I doubt my ex would come on a family dinner (other than say wedding) he would do his own thing with them. It does get harder for the ex when the kids get older, my exdh had a steady routine of eow and Tuesday nights for 6 years but then they got older and wanted to see friends and he moved further away so they couldn't pop in easily. Now they are 20+23 and are at uni/moved out. I see them 2/3 a month as their lives , friends , partners are in our town. But they only see him every month to few months. Is he trying to see ds but just doesn't want to go to the meal?

PorridgewithQuark · 07/11/2022 06:05

Bestcatmum · 06/11/2022 20:29

You only have his word that his wife had an affair. More likely he did. I bet she'd tell a different story.

I was thinking this.

Is she also a "psycho" perhaps? Anyone who implies their ex was mentally ill (unless they were genuinely diagnosed as such obviously) is to be avoided like the plague.

I'd say this sounds like one to throw back anyway. A 17 year old who doesn't want to see his father without his mum around probably has his reasons!

GreyCarpet · 07/11/2022 06:07

Aprilx · 06/11/2022 21:11

I am baffled as to how you interpret that as a man not seeing his son through choice.

Same here.

You say he tries to arrange to meet up with his son but his son says he's too busy. So it doesn't sound like he won't see his son but that his son doesn't make time ro see him despite his efforts.

The fact he 'hates' his ex would be more of an issue fore because the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference.

However, I don't blame him for not wanting to spend the evening in the company of his ex either. Especially on his son's birthday. My exh and I haven't spent the children's birthdays together since they were young. We just take them out separately and tell them to have a lovely time.

GreyCarpet · 07/11/2022 06:09

Confusion101 · 07/11/2022 04:49

This!!!!! Cannot understand how everyone else can't see that! Is it the misleading title?

Show quote history

Exactly this.

GreyCarpet · 07/11/2022 06:12

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Really?

My boyfriend's ex wife cheated on him. Should I run too?

It does happen you know.

AutumnCrow · 07/11/2022 06:21

I couldn't be arsed with all the drama after 3 months tbh.