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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Did DH cheat or is this a joke?

511 replies

Newuser1987 · 05/11/2022 16:05

Got a DM on Instagram this morning. Private account but definitely not a fake one.

From a young woman claiming she has slept with my husband a few weeks ago and thought I deserved to know.

She knows details about a birth Mark on his chest and a tattoo on his ankle. But DH wears shorts a lot so lots would have seen the ankle tattoo. He does talk about his birth Mark as well so a lot of people know he has one. So I'm hoping that this is just someone stirring but wanted to post on here to get clarity and that I'm not just trying to comfort myself.

A few months ago he had a string of mysterious phone calls which led to a huge row as he wouldn't answer the phone to the mysterious person then started saying i was getting worked up over nothing. Nothing since then tho so other than that I have no reason to believe he has cheated.

I Will confront him but it's just his word against this random person on Instagram right? I'm calm thinking it's just someone stirring. But what if it's not? How would you feel?

Can't exactly break up over one set of messages from a random woman. We have 3 kids together.

OP posts:
FlissyPaps · 05/11/2022 19:22

BiscuitLover3678 · 05/11/2022 19:20

tell him and see how he reacts he might be shocked and want to find out more

He has reacted. He’s called the OW crazy and obsessive. He’s basically gaslighting the OP.

CamillasToe · 05/11/2022 19:23

Doesn't make sense that he said he didn't know who you were talking about initially.

Then conveniently remembered he worked with her when you showed him her picture.

Also - crazy and obsessive colleague??? Really? I don't know if any of my colleagues are crazy and obsessive!

ivegotthisyeah · 05/11/2022 19:23

@PicturesOfDogs ok, but I just can't see what she would get out of this. I would need to know more want to know more. Maybe because I've been there but I just don't want the OP to be blind

35965a · 05/11/2022 19:24

He called you a drama Queen straight away - he’s guilty as sin.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 05/11/2022 19:24

I'm sorry you are going through this. An STI test would probably be prudent.

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 05/11/2022 19:24

He has immediately tried to paint this woman as crazy and obsessive yet your DH has never mentioned anything about this before. The whole thing seems more likely that he has, at some point become involved with this woman and is now trying to detach himself from it by gas lighting her and you simultaneously.

Bournetilly · 05/11/2022 19:25

I think she is telling the truth. If she was causing trouble would she really of used her real account.
She might of been more open to giving you information if you hadn’t been so rude but maybe she could send the screenshots with her messages deleted or crossed out?

Headabovetheparakeet · 05/11/2022 19:26

If I accused an innocent person of cheating, I would expect them to be surprised, confused and eager to find out why I thought it.

I wouldn't expect them to call me a drama queen and attempt to shut the conversation down.

WaddleAway · 05/11/2022 19:28

Apart from anything else he sounds like an arse. Immediately calling you a drama queen rather than reassure you. Is he usually like this? How is your marriage generally?
What are the chances that someone who has a grudge against either of you also happens to have been involved in a conversation about his birthmark, and know about his tattoo, and know particular dates he was away from home? He’s lying.

CarefreeMe · 05/11/2022 19:28

The two concerning things about his reaction to being confronted are

1. Him accusing you of being a drama queen

2. Him telling you she’s ‘crazy and obsessive’.

Both of these are typical responses when someone is cheating. If he was innocent I imagine he’d have been more bewildered and hurt rather than calmly saying both you and her are crazy/dramatic.

I agree.

It’s obvious it happened.

If someone had lied about me having sex with them to my partner I would be straight on the phone to them asking them to send proof because they are full of BS.

Rosscameasdoody · 05/11/2022 19:30

Whoeveriam · 05/11/2022 16:09

I don’t understand why she would message you to stir things up ?

Er, she fancies him and has made advances and been rejected. It does happen.

firstmummy2019 · 05/11/2022 19:30

If he really had a crazy and obsessive work colleague you would know about it.

Macaroni1924 · 05/11/2022 19:30

Hi… I’m really sorry for how I reacted if you can imagine it was quite a shock. I understand that you feel you have said your piece and want to leave it here however my DH says that it’s untrue. I’ve known him for x amount of years and don’t even know you. It’s hard to know what to believe and I am very confused. If you could please either send me screenshots (you can cover any parts you don’t wish me to see) or meet me in person to show me them I’d be really grateful. I can’t prove my DH is lying as I just don’t know and I don’t want to tear my family apart for nothing. If you are being truthful though I don’t want to be taken for a mug. Without your help I can’t know which path to take. You have taken the time to tell me so help me prove it.

or something along those lines 🤷🏻‍♀️

HLF · 05/11/2022 19:31

Macaroni1924 · 05/11/2022 19:30

Hi… I’m really sorry for how I reacted if you can imagine it was quite a shock. I understand that you feel you have said your piece and want to leave it here however my DH says that it’s untrue. I’ve known him for x amount of years and don’t even know you. It’s hard to know what to believe and I am very confused. If you could please either send me screenshots (you can cover any parts you don’t wish me to see) or meet me in person to show me them I’d be really grateful. I can’t prove my DH is lying as I just don’t know and I don’t want to tear my family apart for nothing. If you are being truthful though I don’t want to be taken for a mug. Without your help I can’t know which path to take. You have taken the time to tell me so help me prove it.

or something along those lines 🤷🏻‍♀️

That’s a really good message to send

DozyFox · 05/11/2022 19:32

firstmummy2019 · 05/11/2022 19:30

If he really had a crazy and obsessive work colleague you would know about it.

Yeah. He also wouldn't be calling you a drama Queen.

OP, I honestly do try hard to keep an open mind with these threads. But his reaction has sealed the deal for me I'm afraid, I really think he cheated.

WaddleAway · 05/11/2022 19:33

Rosscameasdoody · 05/11/2022 19:30

Er, she fancies him and has made advances and been rejected. It does happen.

Show quote history

I imagine men having sleeping with someone else and lying about it happens more often, though.
What would she have to gain from lying about it? A vague feeling of revenge? It’s not like he’d change his mind and sleep with her after she’d told the wife.
Whereas he has a much bigger motive to lie. He doesn’t want his marriage to end.

RandomMusings7 · 05/11/2022 19:34

Rosscameasdoody · 05/11/2022 19:30

Er, she fancies him and has made advances and been rejected. It does happen.

Show quote history

Happens waaay less often than men cheating though

mansviewpoint · 05/11/2022 19:35

So if she USED to work with him, how long ago was that, because if it werre before those dates that she supplied then it would be one hell of a coincidence that she knew his schedule (when you don't) to knowthat he was out.

Isthisexpected · 05/11/2022 19:36

Come off it OP. Would you call your completely innocent spouse a drama queen? And he's got a crazy ex colleague he never mentioned was obsessed before?

blurer · 05/11/2022 19:36

If this was my DP he'd be absolutely fuming at the accusation and contacting the accuser to have it out with her.

Hed also be reassuring me and would not be calling me a drama Queen

mansviewpoint · 05/11/2022 19:37

If I were accused I would go to as much length as I could to proove I was innocent and wouldn't try to seperate you from her and also say that you are being a drama queen. I'd do everything to proove my innocence because I knew how important my relationship was.

Marmitemother · 05/11/2022 19:38

He's lying. Sorry OP

blurer · 05/11/2022 19:38

Also, as everyone else has said he'd have mentioned this obsessive work colleague before. He certainly wouldn't be sitting discussing birthmarks with her

pambeasly · 05/11/2022 19:40

OP. Tell her unless you can prove it with a screenshot of messages, photos, anything, you'll be going to the police. And actually follow through. Then you'll know.....

RainbowWheel · 05/11/2022 19:40

If a crazy and obsessive woman is contacting you and you’re upset about it how are you a drama queen 🤔

If she’s that crazy and obsessive surely he’d want to make sure you’re ok/involve the police etc.

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