Did DH cheat or is this a joke?

[Newuser1987]

Got a DM on Instagram this morning. Private account but definitely not a fake one.

From a young woman claiming she has slept with my husband a few weeks ago and thought I deserved to know.

She knows details about a birth Mark on his chest and a tattoo on his ankle. But DH wears shorts a lot so lots would have seen the ankle tattoo. He does talk about his birth Mark as well so a lot of people know he has one. So I'm hoping that this is just someone stirring but wanted to post on here to get clarity and that I'm not just trying to comfort myself.

A few months ago he had a string of mysterious phone calls which led to a huge row as he wouldn't answer the phone to the mysterious person then started saying i was getting worked up over nothing. Nothing since then tho so other than that I have no reason to believe he has cheated.

I Will confront him but it's just his word against this random person on Instagram right? I'm calm thinking it's just someone stirring. But what if it's not? How would you feel?

Can't exactly break up over one set of messages from a random woman. We have 3 kids together.

Don’t know if he is a liar OP - likely, by the sound if it. That anonymous woman though. She likely knew he’s married and has three children. She slept with him, told his wife and then disappeared because she wants no drama? Honestly this is manipulative. She wants drama, nothing that she wants more.

I’m sorry for you, OP. It must hurt awfully.

The very fact he's calling you a drama queen rings bells to me. If it was all lies and I bought the message to my husbands attention he would not be obnoxious to my concerns.

I think you do know deep down he is at least capable of cheating op, you just sound like you are not ready to face it.

Sorry OP, but his is lying to you!!

This woman has absolutely nothing to gain from “stirring”. She is not a psycho like your DH is telling you, he’s going on the script.

He wants you to block her because he’s scared she’ll tell you more information.

If I was you I would go back to the woman and ask her to show your screenshots. Keep asking her. Tell her you require the proof.

He sounds like a liar, he’s giving you the script about the crazy woman stalking him.

id message her back though and tell her that he denies it and says she’s a crazy stalker. Maybe she will be so mad she will send you screenshots

The two concerning things about his reaction to being confronted are

1. Him accusing you of being a drama queen

2. Him telling you she’s ‘crazy and obsessive’.

Both of these are typical responses when someone is cheating. If he was innocent I imagine he’d have been more bewildered and hurt rather than calmly saying both you and her are crazy/dramatic.

If she won’t say anything more and he’s going to deny everything then you have to make a decision based on the limited info you have. If you have a bad feeling and don’t trust him then it will be difficult to continue. Sorry you’re having to deal with it at all OP.

So he thinks this woman is obsessed and out to wreck his marriage. His only response to that is telling you to to block her, and to blame you? Not to confront her and ask her what the hell she's playing at, and to admit that it's all lies??

Nah, sorry. He's done this.

Ask her to send the messages with hers blacked out

I completely agree with the above

Or ask to meet her and she can show you the messages but you won’t have them…..then she can’t be worried that you’ll put them online.

@ivegotthisyeah I've done this. Said to her "sorry I've spoken to my husband and it's not adding up". She replied! She said "well either he is lying or you are. It happened but I don't want to be involved anymore. I've said my peace and it's in your hands what you do."

I then said my husband said she is obsessive. She just replied with "ok"

@HLF unfortunately I don't know his colleagues to ask.

If someone was obsessed with you OP, and sent messages to your husband saying you were having an affair, would your first reaction to tell your husband he’s being dramatic?

No. Because that’s illogical.

And if it doesn’t make sense, it’s not true.

Occams razor and all that

I think this is all spot on too.
His reaction is concerning. If he was totally innocent he would be really confused and hurt, plus would totally see how upsetting it was for you and would be working to reassure you, not turning it back on you.

I know other posters have said you shouldn’t have mentioned it and kept him in the dark while you gathered more evidence but I couldn’t have done that: I would have had to blurt it out as soon as I saw him, I’m way too emotional like that to keep it in!

Gaslight 101: call both women crazy. Bet he's laughing his arse off at how stupid you both are and how he can have his cake and eat it. I'd feed him his cake via his anus

@Newuser1987 He was like "what? Who are you talking about?". And proceeded to act like he
had no clue what I was talking about. I think he knew I was calling his bluff.he knows me by now. He knows I would have just shown him everything if I had anything. Then told me I was being a drama queen again.

I then showed him her Instagram acc (not much to see as it's private). Then he said "oh her I used to work with her she's crazy and obsessive". Then told me to just block her.

So I'm now right where I knew I'd be. Him denying it and me being none the wiser.

Sorry but your husband sounds quite like a mysoginistic narcissist ass-hole not only he's gaslighting you but comes up with the "women are crazy" sexist crap, in his eyes she is "crazy and obsessive" and you are "a drama queen". Basically he's done nothing wrong, everyone else is to blame for, women mean nothing and he's entitled to his cake and eat it too. Not only he's cheating on you but he didn't treat this woman properly which is probably the reason she got back to you. I'm sorry he's the father of your children but he sounds like a horrible man.

He's a liar but it's low of her to drop a bomb then bow out. How cruel.

Ok now play nice say sorry I am just so confused but I appreciate your message can you tell me more as he is calling you a liar and I can't see why you would say this if it wasn't true. I know you won't want to say this but just tole with it and play along. You need more from her to get to the bottom of this. How long has it been going on how did it start etc
Be strong and sending hugs

THIS.

This!!

If this had happened to us, my husband would have been confused, worried about me and probably be trying to suss out why someone would do this to us.

He absolutely wouldn't be blaming and gaslighting me.

Unless, it was true and he was on the defensive.

I disagree with this.

OP has already said she’s not going to believe it unless she she sees pictures of the in bed together or something, which clearly don’t exist.

No point of going back and forth with this woman, just to say in the end ‘but he says your lying’ 🤷‍♀️

People don't talk about birthmarks in general conversation they really do not. He has cheated. You need to get real. I'm sorry

tell him and see how he reacts he might be shocked and want to find out more

He's cheated. He's playing her off as crazy- poor girl was probably Just trying to do the right thing,

It's pretty clear he has cheated. Same old script with numerous threads similar to this on how it goes.