Did DH cheat or is this a joke?

[Newuser1987]

Got a DM on Instagram this morning. Private account but definitely not a fake one.

From a young woman claiming she has slept with my husband a few weeks ago and thought I deserved to know.

She knows details about a birth Mark on his chest and a tattoo on his ankle. But DH wears shorts a lot so lots would have seen the ankle tattoo. He does talk about his birth Mark as well so a lot of people know he has one. So I'm hoping that this is just someone stirring but wanted to post on here to get clarity and that I'm not just trying to comfort myself.

A few months ago he had a string of mysterious phone calls which led to a huge row as he wouldn't answer the phone to the mysterious person then started saying i was getting worked up over nothing. Nothing since then tho so other than that I have no reason to believe he has cheated.

I Will confront him but it's just his word against this random person on Instagram right? I'm calm thinking it's just someone stirring. But what if it's not? How would you feel?

Can't exactly break up over one set of messages from a random woman. We have 3 kids together.

Imagine it from the other side.

You have a male coworker who is 'obsessed with you' and 'crazy.' You don't ever mention this to your partner.

Your partner then asks if you know this person. You don't even remember this 'obsessed and crazy' man you used to work with. Doesn't ring any bells.

Then he shows you a picture and says he says you slept together. oh yeah, you do recognise this crazed stalker ex-coworker. You call your partner a drama queen for bringing it up (?) and don't attempt to clear your name any further.

...does any of this sound like something a person would do if they were innocent and telling the truth?

Sorry OP.

At first I was going to tell you he's obviously cheated and have it out with him.
But if she won't send you proof or text messages that seems a little off.

Maybe they had a bit of a flirty relationship and DH ended up rejecting her so she is very angry? Who knows the truth at the moment.

Stay calm when talking to her and don't completely believe your DH. You would have to be a very horrible person to message a lie like this. But people do it!!

Don't just block her as that's what he would want if he cheated 😂 (my ex did this)

Speak to DH about it again. Sit him down properly and tell him the details. Tell him you are taking this seriously and if he doesn't want to lose you, he needs to have a proper conversation as you deserve answers. Only finish this conversation if you feel content with the information given.

Stay calm though - easier said I know!! 💜

I have seen quite a few threads written by the OW asking if they should let the wife know. I have tended to think “no, they won’t thank you and probably won’t believe you”. OP your thread has confirmed that was a reasonable assumption.

But you are in denial. I suspected this might be true after only reading your first post when you mentioned strange phone activity at what would have been the same time. Every update since makes me think that this is true, both her responses and his. I mean really, if my ex colleague told my husband that he had slept with me, I wouldn’t say oh block him he’s crazy, I would get him on a conference call and challenge him then and there in front of my husband.

I have seen quite a few threads written by the OW asking if they should let the wife know.

Me too. But never ever while they're having the affair and enjoying the benefits. Only ever after it's gone belly up, either because it's ended or because he's made it clear he won't leave.

OP he has cheated on you.
There is very rarely this type of smoke without some form of fire somewhere.

From what I’ve read, it sounds like you’re not going to leave him anyway but you’d probably it be better doing some soul searching around whether you can accept this and move forward rather than a crusade to prove the innocence of a clearly lying man.

What does this woman have to gain? Absolutely nothing. Obsessive or not, most people don’t just go around making up stories about having slept with other people’s husbands.

I’ve actually been in this very situation, and I resonate so much with your responses. The desperation to prove that the man you love would never betray you like that… unfortunately the quicker you accept this and decide how you move forward, the more dignity you will ultimately save.

I was contacted by someone on Instagram.. asking if I was married to my H. Initial contact from this woman was to fact find who I was .. I asked my H who she was, was told it was some obsessive nutter. Guess what, she was the other woman, she wanted to tell me everything and eventually did. A lot of what you've written resonates with my own situation. He's a liar, you've kicked off too soon and there will most definitely be more to this story. I'm so sorry, I know how much this messes with your head! Reach out to a friend in real life, please don't hide away and brush it under the carpet. Hugs x

I agree with others, definately try to get more information from this woman, I know you say you were rude to her but that's pretty normal behavior op under the circumstances. It will eat away at you, he will (most likely) deny it, we need some mumsnet detective types on this case. Often wonder how many of these women in question reveal all because they are genuinely concerned for the wife/girlfriends of these men, actually feel guilty and sorry for them, and howany just bare all because they're pissed when the cheater calls it off.

Sorry @Newuser1987 I would say he's cheated and the OW feels spurned. Unanswered calls are her being "obsessed" in his book. Blaming her, blaming you for being a drama queen? Cake and eat it comes to mind.

Sounds like he didn't expect his bit of fun to have consequences.

He cheated.

Instead of being shocked and surprised and asking to see the messages and why would someone being doing that, he defaulted to the cheater script of she's crazy and wants him and you're a drama queen.

She doesn’t sound obsessive with her ‘ok’ reply.

She sounds indifferent, she’s said her bit and she’s don’t because she knows he’s a lying cheating asshole.

I really feel for you Op, but you are clutching at straws in the hope he hasn't cheated. But look at he evidence...

A few months ago he had a series of calls that he wouldn't answer in front of you. When you asked about them he said you were getting 'worked up over nothing'. So he wouldn't tell you what they were about.

He has deleted all his Whatsapp messages. Unless he is the (unusual) type who deletes all messages (eg texts etc) then why would he do this unless there is incriminating stuff in them?

This woman came across as polite, knew things about him, said she was with him on a date that was possible. Bowed out politely when you were rude to her. She sounds believable.

When you told your husband, he called both you and her crazy.

Put yourself in his shoes....if someone messages your husband and said they'd slept with you, and your husband asked you about it.... would you call him crazy and tell him he's over reacting??? Or would you be really confused and frightened as to why someone was telling these terrible lies, do your best to reassure your husband, and work together to find out who it was and to stop them doing it? Because that's what an innocent person would do. An innocent person wouldn't tell you to block them then move on normally with their day. His response is weird and very suspicious. Even if he hadn't slept with her, his lack of concern and care for you is absolutely shocking.

His only possible defence in this would have been if she was a 'crazy' type (they are less common than cheating spouses btw) and had made a move on him, which he'd refused and now she's trying to her her own back. BUT if that was the case - why didn't he tell you about those calls he wouldn't take? Why didn't he tell you that someone was stalking him? Why did he pretend not to know who she was? Why isn't he angry that she's upsetting you? None of it makes sense.

I got told through instagram aswell I believed the person and didn’t even say a bad word to her until she would not leave me alone I then told her to p*ss off by that point I didn’t need to know anymore and she was basically being revengeful to being dumped after I knew what I had to know , people don’t go around lying about these things , hope your ok op I know too well the gut wrenching feelings after something like this happens at least my dickhead ex admitted it he couldn’t really deny it thou I had proof from the messages I was forwarded.

Your initial response was it is someone ‘stirring’. How often does someone contact someone on instagram and declare an affair with their husband? Has someone ‘stirred’ before? It’s not common surely.

Agree with everyone. He pretended he didn't know her. The one he then suddenly remembered was crazy and obsessive. Op, you don't want to believe he's done this and came here to be reassured. I'm so sorry you are going through this nightmare but his reaction is probably the best proof you're going to get after the way you were the OW. She's not going to risk any backlash from you now she has witnessed your (understandable) rage.

If anyone was accused of cheating and was innocent of it, they would be outraged, confused and want to reassure their partner. Your DH called you a name.

Have you a friend you can talk too? You need real life support as you navigate this.

I don’t blame her for not engaging further. Threatening to screenshot her etc is hardly going to make her open up. She’s the only person who actually sounds reasonable here.

It’s amazing isn’t it, how many crazy/obsessive/deluded women there are out there, stalking poor innocent married men and making up lies about them, totally unprovoked?

So you’re a drama queen and she is crazy and obsessive.

Sounds like something a guilty man would say.

Why would she make it up? What would she gain?

Sorry it’s not looking great.

She probably massively regrets contacting you

and you are a fool OP, it’s staring you in the face

Exactly, why would she make it up? She did not contact you anonymously. Her reputation is at stake here too.

I think you're being wilfully naive, OP. He's obviously had an affair with her. No one bothers to empty their Whatsapp unless they're covering their tracks.

And it's also amazing how these men just entirely forget to mention the crazy obsessive woman until they need an excuse.

"Oh yes dear, I've had a stalker for the past few years. Must have slipped my mind to mention it."

This is absolutely what I would do.

@Newuser1987 This exact scenario has just happened to my friend. Woman from her husbands work, messaged and told her she had slept with her husband. Husband said woman is crazy and obsessed blah blah blah. And guess what. It turned out to be true. I think the facts are staring you in the face and you just don’t want to believe it.

Love, you are being gaslighted and cheated on by the man who should put you first and love you best. This is one woman, there are likely to be more, and he may not be practicing safe sex if he is determined to play the hound. Get your sexual health checked out, get some advice and think of your three kids - he is treating you completely without respect, do you want them seeing this and emulating it in their own future relationships? Really feel for you as have been through it, I chose to walk with the kids and built a good new life, but accept that there are other ways forward with counselling and support.