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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Did DH cheat or is this a joke?

511 replies

Newuser1987 · 05/11/2022 16:05

Got a DM on Instagram this morning. Private account but definitely not a fake one.

From a young woman claiming she has slept with my husband a few weeks ago and thought I deserved to know.

She knows details about a birth Mark on his chest and a tattoo on his ankle. But DH wears shorts a lot so lots would have seen the ankle tattoo. He does talk about his birth Mark as well so a lot of people know he has one. So I'm hoping that this is just someone stirring but wanted to post on here to get clarity and that I'm not just trying to comfort myself.

A few months ago he had a string of mysterious phone calls which led to a huge row as he wouldn't answer the phone to the mysterious person then started saying i was getting worked up over nothing. Nothing since then tho so other than that I have no reason to believe he has cheated.

I Will confront him but it's just his word against this random person on Instagram right? I'm calm thinking it's just someone stirring. But what if it's not? How would you feel?

Can't exactly break up over one set of messages from a random woman. We have 3 kids together.

OP posts:
hanste123 · 05/11/2022 23:31

Don’t confront him.
you already said it will be useless. Instead, check his phone. And ask more questions of this woman. Get details. That is the only way you will get the truth, he won’t tell you.

Booklover3 · 05/11/2022 23:34

His response seems off to me

Cactusprick · 05/11/2022 23:41

hanste123 · 05/11/2022 23:31

Don’t confront him.
you already said it will be useless. Instead, check his phone. And ask more questions of this woman. Get details. That is the only way you will get the truth, he won’t tell you.

You better read the whole thread…

allboysherebutme · 05/11/2022 23:46

He definitely cheated used her for sex a few times and then never wanted anything to do with her again and she is angry, they always say they're obsessed, to justify them ringing.
I'm sorry to say but I don't think this is the last time you will have this, I think he will do this when ever he gets the chance, him will use and dump and hope he doesn't get caught because he doesn't stay with them long enough.
Deny Deny Deny. You deserve better. X

TrippyLily · 05/11/2022 23:49

Ask him to phone her then and confront her on a call, on loudspeaker, with you in the room and see what he says.

mumsoutnumbered · 05/11/2022 23:50

As hard as it is, I would trust your own gut and intuition on this. I would not just trust you DH just because he is your husband. I can see no reason for her to cause hassle with a married couple for nothing. Sending love x

Nat6999 · 05/11/2022 23:57

Look in archived messages on WhatsApp.

thenewduchessoflapland · 06/11/2022 00:25

If my DH worked with a female colleague who became obsessed with him and was acting "crazy" around him then my DH would tell me as it's not the type of thing he'd keep from me as he'd most likely ask my advice on how to handle her behaviour towards him but also he'd find the unwanted attention uncomfortable and he'd be abit embarrassed about the unwanted attention too.He often talks to me about work and I can name quite a few of his colleagues.

Your DH however;He's never mentioned her nor her so called unwanted attention behaviour either.Big red flag.

whateverr · 06/11/2022 00:32

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

TrippyLily · 06/11/2022 00:33

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Probably best to start your own thread you'll get a lot more answers.

whateverr · 06/11/2022 00:35

That’s what I was supposed to do haha new to this😬Just reported it to get it taken down so I can repost on new thread

TrippyLily · 06/11/2022 00:35

whateverr · 06/11/2022 00:35

That’s what I was supposed to do haha new to this😬Just reported it to get it taken down so I can repost on new thread

No worries. It's no biggie!

Readaboutyourself · 06/11/2022 01:10

Yes, he’s cheating. A non-cheating reaction would be questioning what the hell you were talking about and then talking together about how to deal with this ‘obsessive’ girl.

You’re a drama queen, she’s obsessive… nah, he’s just a cheat that’s been caught.

Closetbeanmuncher · 06/11/2022 01:21

He was like "what? Who are you talking about?". And proceeded to act like he
had no clue what I was talking about. I think he knew I was calling his bluff.he knows me by now. He knows I would have just shown him everything if I had anything. Then told me I was being a drama queen again

The dynamic of your relationship and his gaslighting concerns me and that’s without the fact that it’s as clear as day to anyone with eyes he’s a cheat too.

You made a huge mistake telling him anything instead of looking into it quietly, and behaving aggressively to this woman IMO.

Fraaahnces · 06/11/2022 01:24

Get her to send screenshots of messages

momonpurpose · 06/11/2022 01:57

I'm sorry op but you wouldn't have posted if you didn't have doubts. It's also man caught cheating 101 to say she's crazy and obsessive and you are a drama queen. It's just up to you to pretend you don't belive it and have a lousy life or cut him loose and keep your self respect. Do you really want to live wondering every time he's out the door? Until the next so called crazy obsessed woman accuses I'm again. But something tells me you'll stay and I feel very sorry for you because it's no kind of life. Walks Quakes Duck

SandyY2K · 06/11/2022 02:09

This is a typical case of shooting the messenger.... so do you really want to know the truth? Because if you did, why would you have been so rude to her? I know it's not pleasant information to receive, but it reminds me of someone I knew...her husband was a cheat. People told her and she refused to believe.. they see him with other women..in clubs ...kissing them.

She said unless she finds him in bed with another woman she went believe it. We all knew he only married her for inheritance, as her mum died not long before... he was an absolute player.

Well she finally divorced him, So I assume she got her proof.

momonpurpose · 06/11/2022 02:11

Also I have had the same job for 26 years and have male co workers that I am so close to I think of them as brothers. They wear shorts and for a million dollars I couldn't tell you if if they have birthmarks much less size or shape. If you have a daughter please remember you are showing her what to accept and if you have a son you are showing him this is an acceptable way to treat women. I know it's hard but get your financial ducks in a row before the next crazy obsessive women is in the picture

SandyY2K · 06/11/2022 02:16

I just can't imagine being accused of cheating. Knowing the accuser and actually doing nothing, or even being angry, thst this person is trying to ruin my marriage.

I would accuse my DH of being dramatic......

I think it's because, he's so confident that the OP isn't going anywhere and this will all blow over. 3 kids, nice life...it's a lot to consider and he's quick cocky and confident.

I'm just not getting the sense, thst him cheating would be the end of this marriage anyway... if that's the case... just leave it be.

Closetbeanmuncher · 06/11/2022 02:38

it reminds me of someone I knew...her husband was a cheat. People told her and she refused to believe.. they see him with other women..in clubs ...kissing them

I also got this vibe.

CharliesFallenAngel · 06/11/2022 03:15

@momonpurpose It's also man caught cheating 101 to say she's crazy and obsessive and you are a drama queen.

This with bells on.

OP, Read Chump Lady about "Cheater Scripts"

roseheartfly · 06/11/2022 04:23

I've been here.

I hope you are ok.

He's gas lighting you and you deserve better.

Mege2 · 06/11/2022 04:56

Your DH sounds insincere. Ask him for his phone. If he refuses you have your answer.

DarkNecessities · 06/11/2022 05:19

thenewduchessoflapland · 06/11/2022 00:25

If my DH worked with a female colleague who became obsessed with him and was acting "crazy" around him then my DH would tell me as it's not the type of thing he'd keep from me as he'd most likely ask my advice on how to handle her behaviour towards him but also he'd find the unwanted attention uncomfortable and he'd be abit embarrassed about the unwanted attention too.He often talks to me about work and I can name quite a few of his colleagues.

Your DH however;He's never mentioned her nor her so called unwanted attention behaviour either.Big red flag.

Yep. My DH was like this, exactly.

However ……..

Smileandtheworldsmileswithyou · 06/11/2022 06:10

I think from this it’s very clear that he did cheat on you and is now lying about it. I’m sure deep down that you know that’s the most likely scenario. Now it’s just up to you what (if anything) you want to do about it.