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Original poster

Did DH cheat or is this a joke?

511 replies

Newuser1987 · 05/11/2022 16:05

Got a DM on Instagram this morning. Private account but definitely not a fake one.

From a young woman claiming she has slept with my husband a few weeks ago and thought I deserved to know.

She knows details about a birth Mark on his chest and a tattoo on his ankle. But DH wears shorts a lot so lots would have seen the ankle tattoo. He does talk about his birth Mark as well so a lot of people know he has one. So I'm hoping that this is just someone stirring but wanted to post on here to get clarity and that I'm not just trying to comfort myself.

A few months ago he had a string of mysterious phone calls which led to a huge row as he wouldn't answer the phone to the mysterious person then started saying i was getting worked up over nothing. Nothing since then tho so other than that I have no reason to believe he has cheated.

I Will confront him but it's just his word against this random person on Instagram right? I'm calm thinking it's just someone stirring. But what if it's not? How would you feel?

Can't exactly break up over one set of messages from a random woman. We have 3 kids together.

OP posts:
redbigbananafeet · 05/11/2022 21:41

Ask him to call her in front of you.

Bedazzled22 · 05/11/2022 21:46

As others said he wouldnt shrug it off if it was untrue. He’d be angry someone was peddalling lies about him….

MsDogLady · 05/11/2022 21:46

Then told me I was being a drama queen again.

How long has he been treating you with such contempt?

His whole response was Manipulation 101. Feigning cluelessness and slow recognition —> Blame shifting and name calling —> Brazening it out like nothing happened. There is zero concern for you or outrage or attempts to get to the bottom of it. His agenda is making you shut up and back off. To cover himself, he’s already deleted his WhatsApp messages.

My money is on her. She reached out to relay this vital information so that you would have choices. She was polite. She knew about the birthmark and the pertinent dates. She was hesitant about sending their explicit chat, but perhaps she would have provided some of his messages if you hadn’t been so hostile.

@Newuser1987, you’re with a lying cheat who feels entitled to steal your consent and risk your health. Right now he’s fairly confident that he’s put you back in your lane.

Mumontour85 · 05/11/2022 21:47

ThingsIhavelearnt · 05/11/2022 20:34

I would say

I apologise but my husband is telling me you are crazy and it is all in my head. I appreciate you contacting me but he is screwing with my head and our marriage etc I can’t walk out without proof. Would you meet me with a friend and show me the texts so I have seen proof and I can end my marriage.

This is absolute hell and mental abuse for me.

please help me

I would do similarly to this.

OP, honestly your post and subsequent comments made me think 'you poor, sweet, naive woman'.
Your husband has cheated, and potentially is still cheating on you. However, I understand entirely you not wanting to break your family up without proof. Please remember it is not YOU breaking the family up, he did that by cheating.

And someone that scorns your feelings as he has dismissed yours is a giant douchebag...

user1471457751 · 05/11/2022 21:47

@SouperNoodle she's not a poor girl at all. She's a grown woman who chose to shag another woman's husband. She's not innocent in this. She also refuses to hand over the evidence she has of the affair thus making this an even worse situation for the OP. I don't know why you think the OP should be kind and polite to her husband's mistress.

Dontsayyouloveme · 05/11/2022 21:48

The unanswered phone calls and his reaction towards you about them would raise my suspicions, and this message just adds to it….

SunshineLoving · 05/11/2022 21:49

I'm sorry OP but I agree with pps, he's gaslighting you. If you were accused of cheating on your husband (a random man sent your husband a message), surely you would be confused and angry? You wouldn't blame and insult your husband?

I strongly believe he's cheated on you.

Milesty1 · 05/11/2022 21:51

Can you apologise to her for your reaction but ask her to send you a photo of them together but she can block out her face? If you see a photo of him with someone (even if their face is blanked out you will know it’s not you) then that is definite proof. Tell her this will drive you mad as he is gaslighting you.

autienotnaughty · 05/11/2022 21:51

I would tell him it's over. Firstly it's likely she's being honest. And secondly the way he's reacting telling you your over reacting etc is awful. Even if it was a mistake he should be looking to reassure you not blame you. That's called gas lighting.

Worriedpartner1234 · 05/11/2022 21:51

I would thank her for getting in touch but explain that without further information, there is simply no evidence that any of this occurred. End the message explaining that should she have evidence, you are reasonable and will listen to what she has to say.

Milesty1 · 05/11/2022 21:53

The cleared WhatsApp and phone calls scream guilty to me though, as well as calling her crazy. Sorry 😞

Dontsayyouloveme · 05/11/2022 21:56

Sorry, not RTFT🙄

WaddleAway · 05/11/2022 21:59

Worriedpartner1234 · 05/11/2022 21:51

I would thank her for getting in touch but explain that without further information, there is simply no evidence that any of this occurred. End the message explaining that should she have evidence, you are reasonable and will listen to what she has to say.

Why would the woman care though? She’s done what she intended to do and told the OP. She doesn’t need to go out of her way to convince her, it’s up to the OP now. She’s said that she’s done her bit and doesn’t want any further involvement.

Cactusprick · 05/11/2022 22:06

Milesty1 · 05/11/2022 21:53

The cleared WhatsApp and phone calls scream guilty to me though, as well as calling her crazy. Sorry 😞

Exactly. He’s either in the habit of clearing it constantly in case he’s snooped on, or she told him shortly before she messaged on Instagram that she was going to so he cleared it all quickly.

SouperNoodle · 05/11/2022 22:08

user1471457751 · 05/11/2022 21:47

@SouperNoodle she's not a poor girl at all. She's a grown woman who chose to shag another woman's husband. She's not innocent in this. She also refuses to hand over the evidence she has of the affair thus making this an even worse situation for the OP. I don't know why you think the OP should be kind and polite to her husband's mistress.

She may not have even known he was married! If he's a cheat, he may well take his wedding ring off when out the house. It's not that unusual.
If she knew then she's an utter prick but at least she tried to do the decent thing and left the wife know.

Cactusprick · 05/11/2022 22:13

user1471457751 · 05/11/2022 21:47

@SouperNoodle she's not a poor girl at all. She's a grown woman who chose to shag another woman's husband. She's not innocent in this. She also refuses to hand over the evidence she has of the affair thus making this an even worse situation for the OP. I don't know why you think the OP should be kind and polite to her husband's mistress.

Yes, but as I saw on another thread today: it’s the husband who made the vows to her, not the other woman.
it’s a horrible thing to do if she did know he was married, but the frustration and anger should be aimed at the husband, not the woman.

PinkButtercups · 05/11/2022 22:14

Hmm, seems a bit fishy.
The fact he called her crazy and obsessive is a bit of a sign he could've cheated imo!

I mean I don't know many people going round talking about their birth marks in all honesty.

If it were me I'd ask how long he lasted in bed. I know my DP well enough to know just how long he can last! That would solve it for me.

ProFannyTea · 05/11/2022 22:15

Newuser1987 · 05/11/2022 19:14

@ivegotthisyeah I've done this. Said to her "sorry I've spoken to my husband and it's not adding up". She replied! She said "well either he is lying or you are. It happened but I don't want to be involved anymore. I've said my peace and it's in your hands what you do."

I then said my husband said she is obsessive. She just replied with "ok"

@HLF unfortunately I don't know his colleagues to ask.

Turn the tables on her. Tell her you don't get to destroy people's lives like this then walk away. Tell her she ether tells you everything you want to know, or you'll send her messages to her employer and her family.

Macaroni1924 · 05/11/2022 22:16

BigFatLiar · 05/11/2022 21:15

Course it is if HD cheated then she deserves better, if he didnt then he shouldn't be in a relationship where he's not trusted.

Oh come on. Yeah if anyone is cheated on they deserve better but you can’t say with what the op has presented that a seed of doubt wouldn’t be there. It’s easy to say you trust your partner but when something like this happens with the info like phone number, birthmark etc the doubt is there. Could she have seen the birthmark and tattoo on some holiday photos? Yes but that level
of detail would make some of the strongest relationships face questions.

mamabear715 · 05/11/2022 22:19

Personally, I'd leave the OW out of it now.
She probably feels bad enough & doesn't want interrogating further. It seems obvious to me that he HAS cheated, but it's up to you now, @Newuser1987 - you have the information, it's up to you how or even if you use it. I'm sorry.

FlissyPaps · 05/11/2022 22:20

ProFannyTea · 05/11/2022 22:15

Turn the tables on her. Tell her you don't get to destroy people's lives like this then walk away. Tell her she ether tells you everything you want to know, or you'll send her messages to her employer and her family.

Show quote history

For God’s sake. Don’t do this.

Threatening her will do no favours.

What has it got to do with this woman’s employer??

Cactusprick · 05/11/2022 22:22

FlissyPaps · 05/11/2022 22:20

For God’s sake. Don’t do this.

Threatening her will do no favours.

What has it got to do with this woman’s employer??

Show quote history

Glad you said this.
Such stupid advice 🙄

Polecat07 · 05/11/2022 22:25

user1471457751 · 05/11/2022 21:47

@SouperNoodle she's not a poor girl at all. She's a grown woman who chose to shag another woman's husband. She's not innocent in this. She also refuses to hand over the evidence she has of the affair thus making this an even worse situation for the OP. I don't know why you think the OP should be kind and polite to her husband's mistress.

I think that commenter was referring to the wife, not the other woman.

CJsGoldfish · 05/11/2022 22:26

Of course he cheated. The fact that she wasn't hiding behind anonymity is a big giveaway I think.

Nice life, good friends, were you ever prepared to rock the boat though?

Thing is...not only is he treating you like a fool, there is most likely someone, or even others, out there (apart from the ow) who know what he's up to and know how in the dark you are. You might even know them. That's a really shit thought OP 🤷‍♀️

MatronicO6 · 05/11/2022 22:32

Sorry you're going through this OP. But I think his reaction is very telling. Instead of calling her to confront her over her claims he has tried to dismiss her as crazy.