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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Did DH cheat or is this a joke?

511 replies

Newuser1987 · 05/11/2022 16:05

Got a DM on Instagram this morning. Private account but definitely not a fake one.

From a young woman claiming she has slept with my husband a few weeks ago and thought I deserved to know.

She knows details about a birth Mark on his chest and a tattoo on his ankle. But DH wears shorts a lot so lots would have seen the ankle tattoo. He does talk about his birth Mark as well so a lot of people know he has one. So I'm hoping that this is just someone stirring but wanted to post on here to get clarity and that I'm not just trying to comfort myself.

A few months ago he had a string of mysterious phone calls which led to a huge row as he wouldn't answer the phone to the mysterious person then started saying i was getting worked up over nothing. Nothing since then tho so other than that I have no reason to believe he has cheated.

I Will confront him but it's just his word against this random person on Instagram right? I'm calm thinking it's just someone stirring. But what if it's not? How would you feel?

Can't exactly break up over one set of messages from a random woman. We have 3 kids together.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 05/11/2022 20:49

If i was accused of cheating like this and I knew the person who made the accusations...I'd contact them there and then in front of my husband.

I'd be demanding to know exactly where and when these meetings allegedly happened...because I'd probably have evidence of where I actually was.

You said he travels around for his work....surely he could account for where he was during these times?
If she's left the workplace, world she know his exact schedule and where he was meant to be?

I can't imagine, I'd just say the guy was obsessed and that's it.. and accuse you of being a drama queen.

CharlotteByrde · 05/11/2022 20:49

I think the issue here is you want to maintain the denial. You have now had two excellent reasons to doubt your husband. If you look at it logically, it's obvious he is guilty. You got a message saying he'd been unfaithful. You tell him and he accuses you of being a drama queen. It makes no logical sense - he's just trying to shut you down because it worked last time, and it's probably going to work again because disrupting your home life is too much for you to bear. Your choices are to keep burying your head in the sand or leave right now with your self-esteem intact.

greenisblack · 05/11/2022 20:52

OP if you need her phone number you can get that from IG. It's fiddly to find but public

Iusedtoplaytherecorder · 05/11/2022 20:52

I then showed him her Instagram acc (not much to see as it's private). Then he said "oh her I used to work with her she's crazy and obsessive". Then told me to just block her.

Did you ask your DH what made her crazy and obsessive? If he's willing to label her as that then there must be plenty of examples.

Also from your interactions with her, she hasn't come across as crazy to you us she. She sounds perfectly normal.

BigFatLiar · 05/11/2022 20:54

I'd be demanding to know exactly where and when these meetings allegedly happened...because I'd probably have evidence of where I actually was.

And if you travel for work and he was there at the same time? That means it was true? i used to travel a lot sometimes with male colleagues, I wasn't shagging them but I was in the same hotel at the same time. Many also knew my phone number.

greenisblack · 05/11/2022 20:54

Sorry my mistake that's an old feature. I've just tried it

OhwhyOY · 05/11/2022 20:54

Newuser1987 · 05/11/2022 20:17

Thanks for all who have taken the time to message. I'm honestly at a loss. I might try to message this woman tomorrow once I've slept on it as my head is fuzzy. DH is acting like nothing has happened.

Don't worry I won't be calling the police or threatening to call them. It's only going to scare her off and they're not exactly going to force a confession out of my DH.

We live a nice life with good jobs good friends. I haven't upset anyone to my knowledge. DH is introverted but gets on very well with people but I obviously don't know what he is like at work.

OP in your heart of hearts I think you know that he cheated- his reaction proves it. But sleeping on it sounds like a sensible idea, often we wake up the next morning and our unconscious mind has done a lot of the processing. You may find you have a clear view of the way forward. I am so sorry you are in this position. One word of advice, if you do believe it, even 60-40, think about how that feeling will affect your future. My FIL cheated on my MIL for years and at the age of 60+ when she found out she didn't feel she could leave him. But two years after finding out she still hates him for it and they occasionally have vicious rows. She still wants to leave him but feels stuck, his story keeps changing and he's the kind of person you would never believe would have an affair. But that kind of environment is toxic for children. Think carefully about if you could get over it before deciding either way.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 05/11/2022 20:57

He’s lying to you but I understand why it’s really hard to accept that

but yeah ‘she’s crazy & you’re a drama queen’ - he can get to fuck. How would he react if he got messages from a bloke saying he’d been shagging you?

Togoodtobeforgotten · 05/11/2022 20:59

If your husband is well know and people know about his tattoo abd birthmark then perhaps he has not cheated. Why would a woman say she had screwed your husband then not show you the proof? I don't buy all the she's embarrassed shite!

WaddleAway · 05/11/2022 21:01

Togoodtobeforgotten · 05/11/2022 20:59

If your husband is well know and people know about his tattoo abd birthmark then perhaps he has not cheated. Why would a woman say she had screwed your husband then not show you the proof? I don't buy all the she's embarrassed shite!

Why would a woman say she’d ‘screwed’ someone’s husband when she hadn’t?

BigFatLiar · 05/11/2022 21:07

WaddleAway · 05/11/2022 21:01

Why would a woman say she’d ‘screwed’ someone’s husband when she hadn’t?

Show quote history

Some people are shits

tunthebloodyalarmoff · 05/11/2022 21:07

Look if there was nothing in this your husband would be very angry with her and call her out on it infront of you to prove his innocence that's a horrible thing to falsely accuse somebody of doing. I doubt many women would do that out of the blue and put her name to the messages. Why would she do that ? It doesn't add up. I also think the phone calls going unanswered are another big clue. Put it all together and he is a cheater I'm sorry

SouperNoodle · 05/11/2022 21:09

Omg this whole situation is embarrassing. That poor girl trying to be honest with you and you kick off, your DH basically reading lines from the script and you have another go at her saying it's not adding up.
His WhatsApp is clear, he pretends he doesn't know her but then when you show him her instagram he suddenly does (unless he has Alzheimer's, I'm sure he wouldn't mysteriously forget and re-remember someone that quickly) and then tells you she's crazy and obsessive (to make you believe that whatever she says will be a lie!) and tells you to block her (so you can't get any more info from her)

Like if you're actually choosing to be this blind then great, don't bother him again and stay with the cheating bastard. 🙂

BigFatLiar · 05/11/2022 21:09

My standard for this is ...

If he cheated you deserve better
If he didn't he deserves better

WaddleAway · 05/11/2022 21:10

BigFatLiar · 05/11/2022 21:07

Some people are shits

Show quote history

Yeah, usually the people who sleep with people behind their partner’s backs and then say that they haven’t.

workshy46 · 05/11/2022 21:11

Of course he is cheating, I mean really ...

BigFatLiar · 05/11/2022 21:13

WaddleAway · 05/11/2022 21:10

Yeah, usually the people who sleep with people behind their partner’s backs and then say that they haven’t.

Show quote history

In my younger daysvi worked on an office of young women who'd think yhidvwas a lot of fun. They loved messing with people, hated them bunch of bullies.

tenbob · 05/11/2022 21:13

BigFatLiar · 05/11/2022 21:09

My standard for this is ...

If he cheated you deserve better
If he didn't he deserves better

Snappy saying but absolutely no relevance to this situation

BigFatLiar · 05/11/2022 21:15

Course it is if HD cheated then she deserves better, if he didnt then he shouldn't be in a relationship where he's not trusted.

Adelais · 05/11/2022 21:16

His reaction says it all really. Imagine if someone had contacted your partner claiming they’d slept with you when you hadn’t. You’d be calling them out and trying to get to the bottom of it not acting as if nothing had happened and wanting you to forget about it.

I understand that you want undeniable proof despite it being obvious though. Try contacting the woman again or hire a private investigator.

Londonlade · 05/11/2022 21:20

I’m so sorry to say it but him saying she is ‘obsessive’ is just a classic response and something so predictable for him to say. He cheated on you OP. But I do think she is being unfair not to share the messages with you. She’s dangling the carrot when the messages could clear it up once and for all. Hope you’re ok.

Cactusprick · 05/11/2022 21:23

Newuser1987 · 05/11/2022 20:17

Thanks for all who have taken the time to message. I'm honestly at a loss. I might try to message this woman tomorrow once I've slept on it as my head is fuzzy. DH is acting like nothing has happened.

Don't worry I won't be calling the police or threatening to call them. It's only going to scare her off and they're not exactly going to force a confession out of my DH.

We live a nice life with good jobs good friends. I haven't upset anyone to my knowledge. DH is introverted but gets on very well with people but I obviously don't know what he is like at work.

Ohhh bless you, it really reads like you want to believe him still and that deep down you don’t think it’s true.

Please please read all the responses on here again. Almost everyone is saying the same thing. He is gaslighting you by saying you’re a drama queen and she is obsessed. Why wouldn’t he be vocally concerned to hear these accusations? Just carrying on as though you haven’t mentioned it? If it was the other way round you’d want to protest your innocence and wouldn’t stop until you had done so!

If it was me I’d be packing his bags tonight for him and taking it all very seriously. I’d be saying to him “I don’t believe you based on what I’ve been told and now more so based on your response”. See if he reacts differently. I wouldn’t want his clearly lying arse in my bed, let alone my house tonight.

HyggeandTea · 05/11/2022 21:29

I do think his shrugging dismissal is a little odd.
As someone else has mentioned, if this was the other way round, I would be ringing that person up in front of my DP and asking them what the hell they were playing at.

Cactusprick · 05/11/2022 21:32

tunthebloodyalarmoff · 05/11/2022 21:07

Look if there was nothing in this your husband would be very angry with her and call her out on it infront of you to prove his innocence that's a horrible thing to falsely accuse somebody of doing. I doubt many women would do that out of the blue and put her name to the messages. Why would she do that ? It doesn't add up. I also think the phone calls going unanswered are another big clue. Put it all together and he is a cheater I'm sorry

Exactly this.
your bastard husband, I’m sorry but it’s actually made me angry that he has the fucking cheek to call you a DRAMA QUEEN?! Where is his sympathy for you in this situation?! You, his poor wife must’ve felt sick and paranoid and worried and god knows what else, getting a message like that completely out the blue! And what does he do? Call you dramatic? He should have been straight onto Instagram himself to message her directly to confront her and clear his name, all whilst you watch. Tell him to fuck off just for that please and don’t put up with this shit.

kateandme · 05/11/2022 21:33

You do not being bpthwres bothers me.is that a male thing?becaause if I'd been accused of this and my partner had said it to me is be going nuts, literally breaking down lol.
But also op you haven't come on and flatly denied this could be true.almost open minded to it happening? Now I no I no we can never truly know. But I'd want to be a bit more doubtful than you seem to be.
itmight be pathetic but I'd also be devastated.