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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Did DH cheat or is this a joke?

511 replies

Newuser1987 · 05/11/2022 16:05

Got a DM on Instagram this morning. Private account but definitely not a fake one.

From a young woman claiming she has slept with my husband a few weeks ago and thought I deserved to know.

She knows details about a birth Mark on his chest and a tattoo on his ankle. But DH wears shorts a lot so lots would have seen the ankle tattoo. He does talk about his birth Mark as well so a lot of people know he has one. So I'm hoping that this is just someone stirring but wanted to post on here to get clarity and that I'm not just trying to comfort myself.

A few months ago he had a string of mysterious phone calls which led to a huge row as he wouldn't answer the phone to the mysterious person then started saying i was getting worked up over nothing. Nothing since then tho so other than that I have no reason to believe he has cheated.

I Will confront him but it's just his word against this random person on Instagram right? I'm calm thinking it's just someone stirring. But what if it's not? How would you feel?

Can't exactly break up over one set of messages from a random woman. We have 3 kids together.

OP posts:
decayingmatter · 05/11/2022 20:15

At this stage you don't need screen shots. It's very clear that he has cheated on you. I know that you are trying to cling on to anything that you can to discredit this idea, and the posters going on about crazy rejected women isn't helping, but you are only going to suffer for longer if you continue with this relationship.

Polecat07 · 05/11/2022 20:15

Also, given that the other woman is attempting to bow out and wants nothing more to do with this drama, doesn't strike me as the 'crazy and obsessive' type who is stirring just to make trouble. Those ones would usually be MUCH more keen to keep replying and worsen the situation or spewing vitriol. I think she is genuine and it's pretty obvious your husband has cheated, that's not even getting into how he's reacted either.

Original poster
Newuser1987 · 05/11/2022 20:17

Thanks for all who have taken the time to message. I'm honestly at a loss. I might try to message this woman tomorrow once I've slept on it as my head is fuzzy. DH is acting like nothing has happened.

Don't worry I won't be calling the police or threatening to call them. It's only going to scare her off and they're not exactly going to force a confession out of my DH.

We live a nice life with good jobs good friends. I haven't upset anyone to my knowledge. DH is introverted but gets on very well with people but I obviously don't know what he is like at work.

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 05/11/2022 20:20

Polecat07 · 05/11/2022 20:15

Also, given that the other woman is attempting to bow out and wants nothing more to do with this drama, doesn't strike me as the 'crazy and obsessive' type who is stirring just to make trouble. Those ones would usually be MUCH more keen to keep replying and worsen the situation or spewing vitriol. I think she is genuine and it's pretty obvious your husband has cheated, that's not even getting into how he's reacted either.

This.

A genuine 'crazy / obsessive' person would be continuing to try and get a response, push buttons, wind you both up etc.

She gave you the information, some specific details that check out and some specific dates that check out. She's given that then said it's over to you and she's bowing out.

She doesn't sound crazy or obsessive, she sounds like she's thought this through and wanted you to know so you had some agency.

His reaction is ridiculous. You know that don't you OP?

monsteramunch · 05/11/2022 20:22

He called you a drama queen and her crazy.

Sounds like a misogynist to me tbh.

Sorry OP.

Crazypaving22 · 05/11/2022 20:24

So you tell him her name, he looks blankly, calls you a drama queen, you show him the Insta account, he 'remembers' her, and that yeah that one is 'crazy and obsessive'.

He's lying. He's gaslighting. He cheated.

It's very VERY hard to knock someone you love so very dearly off the pedestal you put them on. But OP you really need to see more clearly here. He has had many opportunities to cheat, the timeline fits, he has acted suspiciously recently, he calls her crazy and obsessive but this is the FIRST you have heard of this 'crazy and obsessive' woman.

He's an unsafe partner for you. He should be moving heaven and earth to prove himself after you got a message like that.. he.. is... not. In fact he's turned it back on you.

Sorry but he's a cheat.

LeChat0 · 05/11/2022 20:25

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at OP's request

Chickenvoicesinmyhead · 05/11/2022 20:25

DH is acting like nothing has happened.

This tells you all you need to know. Sorry @Newuser1987

Surely any innocent H would try to get to the bottom of a serious allegation like this? By talking, I believe he would be risking saying something you could pick apart, so he isn't saying anything.

Newmum0322 · 05/11/2022 20:26

He’s cheating on you. You don’t need to prove it, you need to accept it!!

Bedazzled22 · 05/11/2022 20:26

I cant see why she’d be lying. Shes not acting like a crazy obsessive person…. Sorry awful for you

Laisydaisy · 05/11/2022 20:27

But surely that’s what her husband would be doing if he really thought a crazy and obsessive woman was targeting his wife?

if he were innocent surely his first reaction would be: ‘OMG - that’s so weird! Are you ok? She was a bit loony at work. I had a row with her at one point but I never imagined she was this crazy. Maybe HR have some more info. I should probably check with them to see if they think we should report to police…’ or something along those lines….

CarefreeMe · 05/11/2022 20:27

To me, bothering to contact but refusing to provide the 'evidence' is dead fishy.

Why should be provide evidence, she’s not the one who needs to prove anything.

She’s also already given OP evidence but just doesn’t want to send the messages between them which is fair enough, especially after OP admits she was rude to her.

Macaroni1924 · 05/11/2022 20:29

I honestly think the only way to get to the bottom of it is to get her on side. If you leave him you will always wonder was it true, was it someone he rejected/pissed off. I’ve lost my family for this.
If you stay you will never fully trust him again because you don’t know if he has lied or not. Neither of these situations are good for you or the kids. If she’s that positive something happened prove it. But also you need to look at his archived chats in WhatsApp or deleted emails, if you login online they stay longer than on the app. Do your own digging whilst you wait for her to prove it.

BigFatLiar · 05/11/2022 20:34

He should be moving heaven and earth to prove himself after you got a message like that.. he.. is... not. In fact he's turned it back on you.

If my partner accused me I'd want to prove it wasn't true, no idea how though. After I'd shown it was untrue I'd end the relationship.

ThingsIhavelearnt · 05/11/2022 20:34

I would say

I apologise but my husband is telling me you are crazy and it is all in my head. I appreciate you contacting me but he is screwing with my head and our marriage etc I can’t walk out without proof. Would you meet me with a friend and show me the texts so I have seen proof and I can end my marriage.

This is absolute hell and mental abuse for me.

please help me

Swannning · 05/11/2022 20:35

What a horrible situation OP.

I agree with those who said that if she really was a drama queen then she would be loving the upset and messaging with more and more stuff. She wanted you to know so that you could make a decision and doesn't want to get involved in the drama which is the opposite of drama queen.

Greblegable · 05/11/2022 20:36

Icantthinkwhat · 05/11/2022 20:07

But perhaps she is a crazy obsessive who has been rebuffed.

To me, bothering to contact but refusing to provide the 'evidence' is dead fishy.

She’s provided birth marks, his phone number and relevant dates. That’s already quite a bit of evidence

Sonygirl23 · 05/11/2022 20:37

He deffo cheated on you OP. A normal sane woman wouldn't do this unless if he actually cheated or if he was having issues with her at work. But if he was, he would have told you about her. He didnt mention anything, obvs assumed she would keep quiet too. She tried to do the right thing but realised it backfired. I doubt she's going to talk to you about it further now after you have been so rude to her.
Open your eyes OP. Shes given you the time/date and if she was really crazy as your DH mentions- why would he give his phone number to her? How does she know about his tattoo?

Sonygirl23 · 05/11/2022 20:38

It's not dead fishy, the other woman feels uncomfortable disclosing more info after how rude OP was.

NCforthis864 · 05/11/2022 20:41

Having a good job and good friends is irrelevant.

Louis45 · 05/11/2022 20:43

The OW in my case sent me a friends request on Facebook which was designed to scare the shit out of DH and force him to come clean.

I asked DH if he knew the person and he said he'd never heard of her before in his life.

As your DH has confirmed that he knows her and accused her of being obsessed I would bet money on it all being true.

It's rare a woman would put her name and face to something like this if it wasn't true. What has she got to gain? She's only inviting trouble.

Isthatarealname · 05/11/2022 20:44

I'm sorry you're going through this, I think its pretty clear he has cheated.

I don't think you're going to hear from her again and to be honest I don't really blame her. You said you were rude (probably more so than people expect), you've threatened to post screenshots then just said he denies it and thinks your crazy. I wouldn't reply either.

I don't want to be harsh but I'm not sure even the screenshots would really convince you anyway.

Sandra1984 · 05/11/2022 20:44

NCforthis864 · 05/11/2022 20:41

Having a good job and good friends is irrelevant.

For you. Maybe not for the OP. Some people prioritise family unit and financial stability over infidelity.

butterfliedtwo · 05/11/2022 20:45

He's deleting WhatsApp, gaslighting you, calling her crazy, and the dates match. I can't say I'd know about birthmarks on the chest or ankle tattoos of people I have worked with.

You need to face the very plausible facts.

notmyrealmoniker · 05/11/2022 20:48

Ask for more details, times and places and see if it ties up with his schedule. I doubt seriously that a random psycho would have been there when he wore shorts and discussed his birth mark...I mean who discusses a birth mark with strangers and does it frequently enough for them to mention this?