I think DH is cheating

[Greengrassbrokenglass]

I think DH might be cheating on me...I've noticed some weird things this last few days.
When we were at a formal event for his work last week, all my stuff didn't fit in my clutch bag so he put some of my makeup in his suit jacket pocket. A couple of days ago, I went in his wardrobe and got it out and found a little cut up strip of viagra - no big deal, he's only ever worn that suit when he's been with me...maybe he's having issues that he doesn't want to talk about. He's older than me and has been having health issues, so could be linked.

On Wednesday I was upstairs and needed a pen to write something down - his work bag was sitting in the room so I put my hand in and grabbed a pen, along with 3 condoms. I bought him this bag for Christmas last year - we don't use condoms (once or twice in the early days but these were a different brand than the one and only pack we had) and he had the snip in February. He didn't start using the bag regularly until March/April.

So I went digging. On Thursday I found a stash of viagra with a prescription date of 4th October, plus loads of empty packs in his suitcase. There were 3 left in one of the packs. I put it all back in his bag. We didn't have sex Thursday night as he has a whopping cold and went to bed earlier than me.
He went working last night, so I had a look in the suitcase again...the remaining pack was gone but all the empties still there.
None of this is conclusive evidence but pretty damning. What do I do? I don't want to confront him until I have something irrefutable.

He isn't acting strangely, he's his normal, affectionate self and our sex life is good - sex at least twice a week. He worships me.
This is second marriage for both of us and we both have DS from previous marriage. I have 50/50 with ex, so we fit our sex life around DS being at his dad's...but do have spontaneous sex when he's asleep.

He has been promoting a young woman through his work, which has helped her achieve many accolades and much exposure in a very short space of time...I can't explain further as its VERY identifying. I've met her, she's lovely and absolutely do not believe she would be interested in DH romantically, but I suppose it's not beyonce the bounds of reason that this might be an arrangement to further her success.

DH physically caught his ex wife cheating, so is very vocal against infedility...so it just seems so out of character.

Look for a second phone …

Honestly… I don’t understand people always suggesting to gather more evidence so he cannot deny it. You don’t need to prove to him that he is cheating, you just need to give yourself permission to be angry, disappointed or leave him if you wish.

You know he is cheating, believe me, if you want to shove this under the rug and pretend it is not happening, that’s your decision too. So have a good talk to yourself to decide what you want going forward as your relationship will never be the same after this.

And so what about his workplace, do anybody is silly enough that he would be having sex in the photocopier room when they can at a hotel, her home or any other place?

Could be using viagra to be able to masturbate? Condoms I dunno though.. maybe a posh w**k?

I suspect he's probably cheating Op. I think you should confront him

I think your right to look for more evidence. If you are going to have that conversation you need to be sure and have enough evidence that he can't gaslight you x

Does anyone actually believe the "posh wank" theory?? Seriously.. it is obviously a go to lie that men use , like I was minding the condoms for a friend, or bought the viagra for a friend who was too embarrassed to buy them himself, but obviously not too embarrassed to have the conversation with a friend about it !!

He is clearly cheating.. I'm not sure how much more evidence you need. Some people look for the best in everything and will believe anything, like the poster who said her DH bought a new washbag and condoms came with it !!!

I am so sorry but confront him, wait and gather even more evidence but I think there is absolutely zero chance that this is innocent. There is no rational reason for a man who is married and who has had a vasectomy would need condoms unless he was having sex with someone who wasn't his wife.

Oh come on...

I googled how to book a lie detector test and a YouTube video came up as part of that. It was someone who said that you don’t need to have someone actually take one. They just need to believe you’ve booked one so when I felt that I hadn’t been told the truth. I asked my husband if he had been entirely honest and open and that there was nothing more to know - I then told him that I’d booked a test for the following day - (I had researched a company and how much it costs.)
I said that they were coming to the house. The YouTube guy says that there will be one of three reactions - he will happily agree or he will reluctantly agree if it means I have peace of mind or he will flatly refuse. First two reactions are fine - the last reaction tells you all you need to know.

My friend was the younger woman at work and her super nice, family man mentor started coming onto her. She fended him off but in my experience this kind of dynamic is not unusual.

OP needs to be a grown up and initiate a conversation. From there, the answer will emerge. Magic!

Erm, not really. People lie.

@Herejustforthisone Thank you for sharing.

If I was in your shoes OP I would have all the evidence I need. There is no explanation for him having condoms apart from him having sex with someone else (or wanting to).

My DH could deny all he wanted but that would be it for me. If the trust is gone, and you have evidence in front of you, you really don’t need anything else.

Im sorry, it’s the worst feeling ever.

you have enough evidence already.

OP it occurs to me that what ever is going on, he's lying to you and keeping things from you, which IMO is doom to any relationship. You'd really like to trust him but you don't, I don't think that will ever come back. I think you should ask him outright.. I was looking for a pen and I found condoms and viagra strips, some of which had been used, what's that about? There are only a few rational explanations and none of them are good.

But you found them by accident so can't you just say that?! You were looking fir your makeup abd found viagra and looked for a pen and found condoms. Why is that an issue of trust? It isn't but the longer you leave it tge more it becomes that. The viagra you can write off as you did, I didn't know you needed viagra but I found some when I took my make up out of your kacket pocket. Tge condoms aren't easily written off so that tge one to get clear about.

Good luck. It doesn't sound good to me....

I'm with you.

If you are the type of person who believe all men cheat you will see this as irrefutable. 'Proof' .

If you think he sounds like a nice guy with a younger wife who is embarrassed about not being as virile as he once was (yes, men also have insecurities and performance anxiety is just about top of the list for men) then you will see this as a man who is hiding his 'little helper' rather than saying - sorry darling I am too old to rely on getting it up au natural... . Then you will think like me that he is not up to anything except being pleased that he get get a reliable erection.

The condoms - god knows . Given them ? Clean wank when 'practicing with the viagra and needs to get rid of a massive erection somehow ? All kinds of reasons.

The fact that you have an active and frequent sex life also makes it less likely (but not impossible of course)

I think you need to do some more investigation OP

He could be using the viagra with you (secretly) and himself alone. Could he have been given the condoms after the vasectomy by the hospital? Looking for a non affair explanation

Yes that's a good point. My DH was given some after his snip. Also not in a box but from a massive NHS stash.

Thanks all for your replies and insight.
When he woke up this afternoon, I couldn't hide my feelings very well. He asked if I was OK and I told him I'd found the condoms while looking for a pen.

He looked surprised then he said they came out of an old washbag he'd shoved in the bag to go somewhere
and that he'd been meaning to dump them ages ago.
In isolation sort of plausible.

We had a long chat about honesty and
I mentioned the viagra (just the one in his suit pocket) and he said he put them there when we were going to the event last week. Again, in isolation plausible. He has only worn that suit three times and, as I said before, I was there each time (one was our wedding).

I asked him if he'd ever taken it before and he said he'd tried it one other time...which was before London. Plausible, if I hadn't seen all the empty packs or (a further pack I've since found in the loft from July last year 🙄) So I said nothing...but asked him three times if he'd ever used it any other time. And threw in a little "if I ask about something, it's usually because I already know the answer."
So then he said he'd tried it when we had sex on Wednesday night. Like pulling teeth and he was still not being honest.
Because I found it on Thursday and between Thursday and last night the remaining ones had disappeared from his bag. I didn't outright say I had seen the stash...but he told me where it was (the black suitcase).

He went for a shower and came back down. I told him about the rest of the viagra and the three that disappeared yesterday.
"I've been trying it out for a while since the vasectomy but it doesn't work"
Right...how come there were 3 there on Thursday that had disappeared by last night?
"I could see you'd been in there and i took them out to throw them away"
I asked why he wouldn't answer me honestly when I asked him three times not to lie about it...and if he knew/suspected I'd seen it, why not tell me when I first asked? And why was he looking in the suitcase...it's odd behaviour to randomly "check your stash". And why only remove the remaining pills, in that case, and not the empties?
He couldn't give me an answer.

If he needs them, fair enough but don't lie. And to lie about how long he's been taking them. And to keep lying when asked outright...and then to continue to lie after being told that I know.
And then to fucking gaslight me that HE KNEW ALL ALONG that I knew 🙄

And he's gone to work, and the three he "took out to throw away" and the one from his blazer pocket have now reappeared, in his bedside drawer, which was clearly left ajar so that I would look and see that he's not used them.

The whole thing stinks, but it's the lying and gaslighting for me.

Oh god.. but you mentioned the brand are ones you never used. He throws away the Viagra but not condoms that will never be needed again ??
The problem is now he knows you are onto him its going to be v difficult. He will wipe his phone and become much more careful
I really don't know where you go from here to be honest. I think there is zero chance he hasn't been having sex with someone else but the fact that you had a great marriage prior to this its hard to throw that away without irrefutable proof

I mentioned the condom discrepancy (same brand but different type...the ones I remembered us using were durex in a gold wrapper and these were durex in red wrapper) and he said he had bought different types when we were first dating. We didn't live together then but I definitely don't remember any red ones from that time...only the gold ones, which are here now, and moved with him when we moved from our separate homes to live together.

And to PP who asked about us getting together - we met when I was 2 yrs out of my previous marriage and he was just shy of a year out of his. There was no crossover. We didn't know eachother before.

If he has been cheating, I agree he will be more careful now, so I may have blown any chance of a recce on his phone...anything that may be on it will be scrubbed.

Look at the sell by dates on the condoms- that would hint to whether they are old or not. He's clearly lying to you about some or not all of his responses. I wouldn't accept what he's told you and sadly make plans to leave.

They were 2023...I don't know how long-dated condoms normally are.

Hey I'm sorry you're going through this it actually speaks volumes of your character that you couldn't hold it in and keep face.

In same situation it sucks as I have no idea if or if it still happening and he is definitely more cautious now

But you know what you saw and even with the gaslighting keep going back to that and don't be fooled.

Maybe keep a hidden journal on your phone. It's crazy how you will forget bits and it really does do a number on you.

He went for a shower and came back down.

He went for a shower and wiped his phone of the evidence ...

You won't find your proof now. So you can only go of the information and gut feeling you have already.