I think DH is cheating

[Greengrassbrokenglass]

I think DH might be cheating on me...I've noticed some weird things this last few days.
When we were at a formal event for his work last week, all my stuff didn't fit in my clutch bag so he put some of my makeup in his suit jacket pocket. A couple of days ago, I went in his wardrobe and got it out and found a little cut up strip of viagra - no big deal, he's only ever worn that suit when he's been with me...maybe he's having issues that he doesn't want to talk about. He's older than me and has been having health issues, so could be linked.

On Wednesday I was upstairs and needed a pen to write something down - his work bag was sitting in the room so I put my hand in and grabbed a pen, along with 3 condoms. I bought him this bag for Christmas last year - we don't use condoms (once or twice in the early days but these were a different brand than the one and only pack we had) and he had the snip in February. He didn't start using the bag regularly until March/April.

So I went digging. On Thursday I found a stash of viagra with a prescription date of 4th October, plus loads of empty packs in his suitcase. There were 3 left in one of the packs. I put it all back in his bag. We didn't have sex Thursday night as he has a whopping cold and went to bed earlier than me.
He went working last night, so I had a look in the suitcase again...the remaining pack was gone but all the empties still there.
None of this is conclusive evidence but pretty damning. What do I do? I don't want to confront him until I have something irrefutable.

He isn't acting strangely, he's his normal, affectionate self and our sex life is good - sex at least twice a week. He worships me.
This is second marriage for both of us and we both have DS from previous marriage. I have 50/50 with ex, so we fit our sex life around DS being at his dad's...but do have spontaneous sex when he's asleep.

He has been promoting a young woman through his work, which has helped her achieve many accolades and much exposure in a very short space of time...I can't explain further as its VERY identifying. I've met her, she's lovely and absolutely do not believe she would be interested in DH romantically, but I suppose it's not beyonce the bounds of reason that this might be an arrangement to further her success.

DH physically caught his ex wife cheating, so is very vocal against infedility...so it just seems so out of character.

you have a good relationship. Please just ask him.

There's literally nothing to link this to the woman who has been promoted. I'm quite shocked at the inherent deep-rooted sexism that jumps to the conclusion a female being mentored and succeeding must be having sex with someone.

As for your DH, just ask him. You found condoms. You found Viagra. Otherwise certain MNers will try to turn this into a big saga of PIs and secret cameras etc. If he's struggling to maintain an erection, he will tell you. If he's cheating, then erectile dysfunction probably won't be the first idea that comes to him.

Either way, leave the female colleague out of it.

You're worried about damaging the relationship?

Isn't HE doing that? By keeping things from you? Has he told you about the viagra, the condoms?? And offered a perfectly reasonable explanation?

No of course not. The condoms are to protect against STDs when you're shagging about.

Sorry to be so blunt but come on!! A simple question to him will solve this..... WHY?

I don't want to confront him until I have something irrefutable.

As if you are likely to get something absolutely irrefutable. It is not common to catch someone totally redhanded. This is near enough for all practical purposes. You don't need any more information to confront but you may prefer to get your ducks in a row first so you are prepared to make choices quickly about leaving and can gather information about his finances by stealth even if you end up not leaving him. Knowledge and preparation are power.

I found your assumptions about the younger woman a bit strange though. Firstly, how could you possibly know whether she would be attracted to your husband and it would have to be 'an arrangement'?Perhaps it is but people can be attracted to all sorts of people for all sorts of reasons so perhaps it isn't. Anyway an affair might well not be with her at all.

Posh wank?

Forgot to say don't have sex with him again until this has been sorted out as you are at risk. Invent a reason (something like thrush or candida is a good excuse get the cream on the bathroom shelf and opened) if you feel you need to, so he doesn't suspect you suspect until you are ready. Also get an STD check in the next few days too, possibly before you confront. Condoms are not infallible when it comes to transmitting STDs such as herpes even when used completely properly ie put on before any sexual contact and a lot of people don't use them quite early enough and not for oral even though they probably know they should.

He may be using prostitutes of course may not be 'just' an affair 😡

Some med use condoms for masturbation, I think you need to say you have found them and ask if everything is OK.

@Greengrassbrokenglass what does "an arrangement to further her success" mean? Do you mean sleep with your DH for her career?

Sadly, much like the posh wank, this happens.

I thought similar. No opportunity really. And yes viagra needs planning.

@SteveHarringtonsChestHair

that speaks to you

Don't show your hand just yet. I'm going through similar right now and I now have no idea if anything is still going on or to what extent it did.

Worst case scenario he's cheating but don't say anything until you have enough proof as most men will deny and deny and that has been the worst part for me.

Example - I saw a msg on DH phone from a women from work and I wish I just snooped now, as I asked him and it blew up in my face. I didn't snoop as I thought it would be wrong but I now know he's deleted several MSG's after me finding out ect and it's so much harder when you don't have the full picture.

The condom's is not a great sign given that he's had the snip. That's more for sexual health/ new partners situation. The posh wank idea I feel you would perhaps know that's his way of self reliving sorry to sound gross but if that the first time you've seen condoms around in awhile I wouldn't think that was it.

I would snoop if I were you people who cheat don't tend to admit it and will just hide it better.

If you don't want to confront him direct, can't you just remove all said items, hide them, then sit back and watch his behaviour?

It would be interesting to just remove say one of 3 condoms and or 1 of the viagra in a strip... 😈but I wouldn't do even that until some ducks were in rows.

When is he out and about by himself? I'd wait for longer before confronting him.

The condoms are the most damning part. Why does he have them.

I'd continue to check the bag and the viagra and see if the condoms reduce from three to two or more.

Personally I'd be patient as much as possbile and wait.

Becasue yes people are right on here, he will deny deny deny. So you need solid proof and if you confront too early, it will mean you'll never be really sure.

Exactly, when people suggest talking to him in situations like this just seem naive. He's hardly likely to hold his hands up and admit everything is he. He'll then just get better at hiding it.

but he has a strip of 4 condoms, there NO proof he's actually used any!

When is there going to be proof he's used one? Even one lying around use or one missing or an empty packet isn't total proof as may have been used alone or as a water bomb or given to a friend or some other reason or excuse. Thinking back, more often than not they don't come in strips of 4 though do they? More likely to come as one from a machine, a box of 3, a box of 12 with strips of 3 or 4 or 6? There are other possible explanations but affair or prostitutes really are the two most obvious ones in this case.

My first thought was that he is meeting people from hook up sites more than prostitutes as they usually have a stash of comdoms. Can you get access to his phone? Is he logged onto google on a shared computer? If so, there is a way of finding deleted searches in the google browser.

Just speculation but I would guess seeing escorts and using protection against STI’s. Get hold of his phone if you can…

OP- was it possible he was with the woman in question on the day the viagra disappeared?

I think if you find out where he was on the day the viagra went missing, it will help you work out what’s going on.

how well do you know this woman? Could you speak to her and see if she met you DH on that day? ( by being sneaky and dropping into convo that DH mentioned he ‘bumped into’ her on Wednesday evening , for example)

I have never known a man to have a "posh wank" .. Ever.

And I've dated, shagged and been mates with a lot of men.

It's an urban myth to me.

Why reduce sensation, they're usually looking to increase it.

I'm so sorry OP. I wouldn't say anything to him yet and would do more digging.

Yet ever single thread like this .... At least one poster mentions it

And generally, if the poster gets info., It is never anything to do with "posh wanking"

OP- can you tell us more about this workplace? Can you be so sure that it’s not possible to have an affair?

Am guessing it will at least be near pubs and hotels?

also, if he’s mainly WFH, does he need to go there? Perhaps he just round at affair partner’s house, but saying he’s at work?

am guessing this is shift work if he’s there weekend evenings, which is great cover for an affair.

I think he is either masturbation or escorts/prostitution

you need to look at him phone or bank account