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Original poster

Husband disclosed and affair...where do I go from here?

153 replies

DCNO · 03/11/2022 12:33

Husband admitted to an affair of a few weeks with a coworker, only kisses. Said did not want to lose me/kids but in a matter of hours changed his tune to "I dont know if I have feelings for her and might want to support her financially and see where things go". Today He agreed to end it all with his coworker.
Not sure where to go from here as his mind keeps changing. I am worried and anxious about the future, but determined to be prepared for the worst case scenario. I need your help in putting together a checklist of things to prepare.
Thank you all.

OP posts:
OurChristmasMiracle · 03/11/2022 12:41

Honestly what do YOU want. I don’t think I would be able to remain married to someone who “may” have feelings for someone else and may leave you for that someone else as it would be emotional torture.

dont do the pick me dance either and I wouldn’t believe that he only kissed her- he is telling you the bare minimum.

fallfallfall · 03/11/2022 12:50

Supporting her financially? Weird and wrong.
I’m sorry OP this sounds fishy? Could she be expecting?

ViolinPin · 03/11/2022 12:51

He admitted the affair.

I wonder why he did this, preparation of leaving you.

Seeing if you are willing to fight for him, ego trip, make you jealous.

Ow about to spill beans and got in there before her.

Wants to use this affair as a means to get you to pull your socks up and give him more attention.

Wants you to end the relationship and set the ball rolling placing blame on you for ending marriage.

Setting you up to accept fear of losing him and enabling him to have cake and eat it scenario.

Who knows, probably best asking his affair partner, doesn't sound like you will get the truth from him.

Regardless, what do you want, curently you are confused as to why he is changing his mind leaving you with little thoughts of what your boundaries are in this situation.

Have athink about what you are prepared to put up with.
Proceed to protect your finances.

Appointment with solicitor.

LadyHarmby · 03/11/2022 12:52

Are you just going to hang around waiting for him to make up his mind?

thedevilinablackdress · 03/11/2022 12:53

Support her financially??? WTAF
Is she having his baby (or a sex worker)?

Chamomileteaplease · 03/11/2022 12:54

Why would he want to financially support her???

MadeInChorley · 03/11/2022 12:54

Sounds like there is a lot more to come out and he’s jittery. Laying the groundwork to paint himself in the best light to you and hoping you’ll still be there when he makes up his mind.

I’m pretty sure it wasn’t just kisses. Are they still working together? And why would he support her financially? That is sending up red flags galore. Is she pregnant?

falllakes · 03/11/2022 12:54

Why on earth would he want to support her financially?
I could understand if she was pregnant but other than that why would he want to fund her? Even if he did want to have sex with her.

I would focus on what you need financially and what works for you emotionally OP. You can't manage your DH's behavior.

ThirtyThreeTrees · 03/11/2022 12:56

Where can to find a man willing to support me financially after a few kisses?!

OP, this doesn't add up and makes no sense. You don't buy a car without a test drive, you certainly don't leave a wife and kids before sex.

Spudina · 03/11/2022 12:56

He’s lying. There’s no way he is contemplating supporting some woman he has only snogged.

Clarklette85 · 03/11/2022 12:56

Id pack his f*cking bags. He keeps changing his mind about blowing up his family does he… lets make it up for him, tell him to get the hell out while he decides. Deceitful, disloyal see you next tuesday.
He made his mind up when he was “kissing” lets not be naive about that, it was obviously more.
YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THIS, and if can no longer see that then he can sling his hook. The fool.

Shoxfordian · 03/11/2022 12:58

Your first stop should be a lawyer’s office to divorce him

Mydoggosarethebest · 03/11/2022 12:59

Hes humming and harring between the both of you until he decides which is better!

If make the decision for him and chuck him out. Seriously OP this will end in tears - more specifically, YOUR tears.

madnesss · 03/11/2022 12:59

LadyHarmby · 03/11/2022 12:52

Are you just going to hang around waiting for him to make up his mind?

This?

If you do and he chooses you, then you will never trust him again and will have basically given him a green light to do it again. He doesn't respect you and he isn't going to suddenly change. He didn't tell you this for your benefit, he did it because he was pushed or guilt ridden (unlikely) and for his sole benefit.

Lochjeda · 03/11/2022 13:00

Might want to support her financially? When he's got a family and children with you, is he quite okay in the head? What a weird thing to come out with. Id get him to fuck and be making sure its the children he is supporting financially. You deserve better.

Chomolungma · 03/11/2022 13:01

Spudina · 03/11/2022 12:56

He’s lying. There’s no way he is contemplating supporting some woman he has only snogged.

This

whatdoyouthinkhonestly · 03/11/2022 13:02

Men don't want to support women financially for no good reason. There's a lot more to this.

You need to do what YOU want now, and look after you and the kids. Don't wait about for him as he's not thinking about your family

daretodenim · 03/11/2022 13:02

You have two choices of where to go from here.

  1. Hang around and wait for him to "choose" you and then hope you can trust him again.
  1. Ignore him, or let him think you're waiting and prepare to leave him.

NB No. 2 isn't "while waiting to see his answer". It's focusing on your mental and financial well-being. Sorting your life out to best support any DC.

I'd propose you don't need to wait for the worst case scenario: it's already happened. Nobody financially supports someone they kissed. I'm sorry. It's shit.

It's difficult to advise without knowing a bit more about your situation. Generally, if you can afford a SHL, that's your first port of call. And do not let him know you're even thinking about seeing one.

LadyHarmby · 03/11/2022 13:04

You want a checklist of things to prepare?

First is to prepare yourself for the fact that there is much more to this affair than he has told you.

Cw112 · 03/11/2022 13:05

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I think you need to step back and think about what your wants and needs are here, he doesn't get to call all the shots. I also find it strange that he mentions financially supporting the coworker... I'd be questioning why he should need to do that at all and would be asking if she's pregnant.

Things to prepare:
-Make sure you have your own bank account in your name only, start putting as much away in this account as you can.

  • look into solicitors and identify one who specialises in family law should you need one. I'd make an appointment to go through your options
  • I'd go to the gum/ family planning clinic and get an sti health check done
  • speak to friends/ family you trust so they are there to support you.
  • look into if your house is in your name and could you keep it on alone. If not I'd make some moves to see who you could stay with/ could you rent? (He should be the one to move out though)
  • make sure you have all your important documents to hand so you can lift them easily if you need to.
  • do you work/ have your own income? If not could you look at a job even part time.
  • keep a record of anything including any admissions of adultery incase you need it for court later.

I personally would suggest he gives you some space so you can think about what you need/ want from him. You also need to think about whether this is something you can get past if he decides he wants to stay with you or if too much damage has already been done and you couldn't trust him in future. You don't need to put up with any of this and while it may have come out of the blue, you are allowed to take some time here and process it.

oobeedoobee · 03/11/2022 13:06

Never mind what he wants, what do you want ?

Do you want a H who loves you ? (and bloody well knows he does?)
Do you want a H who respects you ?
Do you want a H who can be faithful ?
Do you want to help 'financially support' 🤔your H's mistress ?
Do you want to sit 'waiting' to see if he'd prefer to keep her or you ?
Do you want to leave all 'decisions' about your 'marriage' future to him ?

So, fuck him and his idea that you need to 'wait and see' what HE wants to bloody do !

Do what YOU want.
Do what benefits you.

Get all finances sorted (i.e make sure you have your own bank accounts and have taken at least 50% of all savings, more if you've got kids to take care of)
Get copies of all mortgages/investments/savings/pensions etc
Put passports/birth certificates etc somewhere safe.

LemonDrop22 · 03/11/2022 13:06

"I dont know if I have feelings for her and might want to support her financially and see where things go".

Does he mean while with you????

Wtaf.

Even if not with you, he can support whomever he likes financially ... After your divorce financial settlement and after child maintenance and all the other things any decent parent would provide for their kids.

Oh and hasn't it occurred to him that a relationship in which you need to/are expected to etc support your new partner from the start is not a particularly healthy or normal one?

The fact that he'd even fix his mouth to say that to his wife .. . Is he insane? Does he have a personaluty disorder?

Crazypaving22 · 03/11/2022 13:08

He's lying. He's minimising. There's a lot more to come out. Adults (as a rule) having affairs don't just kiss, I learnt this the HARD way.

You need to see a lawyer, get STD checks and tell him that as he's married to you he doesn't get to um and er over the woman at work. You're worth more. Google 180 surviving infidelity for an approach to getting space from this jerk if you can't just kick him out.

I'm so so sorry.

Frostine · 03/11/2022 13:09

He met her at work ? He says she is a co-worker , but is she ?
Does he work in a job where he deals with vulnerable people ? Could he have started something with service user ?shirt
That aside why would you financially support someone you've kissed only for a few weeks ?
Find out the truth behind all this and then decide if you want to be with a liar & a cheat.

LemonDrop22 · 03/11/2022 13:10

Your family income is your family income.
If he uses it to fund (neutral) things you do not agree to, that's a firm of financial abuse .... But he's actually saying he might use it to fund another woman he's having an affair with!!!!!!

This would be funny if it wasn't so bad.

Your h has got to have some kind of personality disorder to actually say that out loud to his wife.