Husband disclosed and affair...where do I go from here?

[DCNO]

Husband admitted to an affair of a few weeks with a coworker, only kisses. Said did not want to lose me/kids but in a matter of hours changed his tune to "I dont know if I have feelings for her and might want to support her financially and see where things go". Today He agreed to end it all with his coworker.
Not sure where to go from here as his mind keeps changing. I am worried and anxious about the future, but determined to be prepared for the worst case scenario. I need your help in putting together a checklist of things to prepare.
Thank you all.

Said did not want to lose me/kids but in a matter of hours changed his tune to "I dont know if I have feelings for her and might want to support her financially and see where things go". Today He agreed to end it all with his coworker.

So this flip flopping between let's stay together or maybe not does not come across as the remorseful and really wanting to make a go of it.

I also suspect that maybe you are not getting the full story. No one financially supports a colleague thru have snogged without something else going on.

See a counsellor, talk it through and decide how
you want to proceed.

It is not about what he wants, it is Only about what you want.

Think about this OP.

He is an adult, not a thirteen year old boy. They did not stop at kissing.

The financial support suggestion implies that that she is either pregnant with his child or they are deeply interwoven in some other way.

Why on earth are you preparing for the worst? This is the worst - it's happened and not it is YOUR choice as to what you want to do about it.

Don't do the pick me dance. Even if he picks you, he will never respect you if you don't show him the door in the immediate aftermath.

I'm sorry if this is harsh, but you sound naive and passive and that isn't going to help you.

This is what I'm wondering too.

It hasn’t been a few kisses over a couple of weeks and I think you know this, you must do. You don’t financially support someone who you’ve shared a couple of kisses with.

Get everything together: wage slips, pensions, value of assets and get yourself to a solicitor. You need to know exactly what’s in the pot and how much you’re entitled to before he blows the lot on her. I’d go further and apply for assets and accounts to be frozen.

I really wouldn’t beat around the bush with this, protect yourself now before you’re out on your knees.

I'd leave.

Once someone cheats, even if it is "only" a kiss, then they are more likely to do it again, especially if you let him get away with it.

And I'd bet my last £££ that it was more than a kiss, he's telling you the bare minimum. The wanting to support her financially is fishy too, along with having feelings for her.

Don't do the "pick me" dance. Tell him in no uncertain terms you are worth more than this abysmal behaviour and leave.

Oh, and get an STI test whilst you are at it.

So sorry you are going through this OP, for you

In terms of a checklist, if you can do it when he's not around then it's better.

Photo copies of:
Mortgage / rent agreements
Copies of joint utility bills
Birth certs
Marriage certificates
Passports
Any bank accounts, joint and separate
Pensions info for you both
Any life insurance / cover you may have

Oh, and another.

If you wish to play dirty, make appointments for half hour chats with every solicitor in town. That way when you divorce his arse he can't use them as you've already made contact and he will have to travel further for assistance

I'm not a black and white, 'cheating is unforgivable' type (though that's fine if others are).

I could forgive a short affair with only kisses that my husband willingly admitted to.

But the moment he then took it upon himself to say "I'm not sure if I have feelings for her", I'd be gone. Never mind floating the idea of financially supporting her - wtf does that mean anyway?!

No. Sod him.

Sounds like he's floating the idea of seeing both of you at the same time, what a creep. I also want to know why he would have to support her financially? What an odd statement. I'd tell him to leave

He might want to support her financially sounds like he’s building up to telling you she’s pregnant.

You both need to decide what you want, separately.

That was my first thought too. Hes disclosing affair because shes pregnant and that's not something he can hide ( or she was going to tell you about the affair)
otherwise 'wanting to support her financially' makes no sense after just a few kisses.

I am sorry this is happening to you, but you need to think about it rationally...why would he be thinking of supporting her financially? especially AFTER the affair has ended...

She is either pregnant or blackmailing him.

My advice for you is to prepare for the worse case scenario: divorce.

Do not give him the benefit of the doubt and get your ducks in a row.

1. Photocopy all documents and keep them out at your office/friends/family:

• mortgage
• house deeds
• bank accounts
• insurance
• pensions
• loans

2. You want to know exactly what his savings, income and liabilities are in case of divorce.

3. Keep the original passports for the kids and their birth certificates in a safe space.

4. Start moving money from joint to your personal account.

5. Make an appointment with a solicitor. You should be able to get the first appointment or 30min consultation for free and they will let you know what you would need in case of divorce.

6. Sit tight (however hard it may be) while you do all the above as to not arouse suspicion.

You have got this! x

"I dont know if I have feelings for her and might want to support her financially and see where things go".

What an idiot. He is definitely sexing her.

Today he agreed to end it all with his coworker.

DCNO, if he is wanting to financially support his OW, he is deeply involved and invested in her. He has absolutely not ended things with her. He is lying.

Have you read their messages or spoken to this woman who needs/wants your family money?

What the actual fuck does "support her financially" after a "few kisses" mean?

This is not the real world surely?

Bluntly if my so called husband said he said he wanted to support an affair woman financially after a few kisses he could try and do that on his divorcée income and assets.

Honestly OP you shouldn't be preparing for the worse you should be dishing it out. If the slimey excuse of a husband, who has broken your marriage vows don't forget, wanted to crawl his way back into any kind of recollection he would first and foremost have to hand over to me control of the household money after spouting shit like that.

Agreed

It might help clear his mind if you meet him at the door with a suitcase packed ready with his things.

Make sure you've got your finances sorted out first, though.

So sorry this happened to you OP, please look after yourself after such a shock. The flip flopping is so cruel on you. I agree with everyone else that the supporting her financially is an absolutely bizarre thing to say and suggests a pregnancy or something else. I'm so sorry to even write that. Would it be better for you to tell him to leave for a bit so you can clear your head and process this?

She's pregnant. Only conceivable (pun not intended) explanation for this remark about "supporting her financially". People just don't do that, even with someone they've been dating for years, let alone someone they have snogged a few times.

My guess is she's pregnant, he's tried to end it and she has given him an ultimatum about future access to the baby. He doesn't want to leave you but is being blackmailed by her in some way.

As PPs have said, there is certainly far more to this than he is disclosing and he's not being honest with you. There is clearly no future in this marriage. Do you have kids? Do you work?

I'm so sorry this is happening to you OP but the fact that he's having any kind of romantic relationship with someone else means he doesn't love you and has no respect for you or his children.
This will only go one way regardless of what he promises.

Pack his things up, chuck them on the front lawn and change the locks and make the first appointment you can with a good solicitor. There's no way back from this as you can never trust him again.... Empower yourself and take control of the situation.

Whatever you do, please don't end up doing the pathetic pick me dance.

Nobody thinks about financially supporting someone they’ve only kissed

@DCNO im sorry to say, you still don’t have all the facts he’s still lying to you.

in so sorry

I'd end it purely on the basis that he must think you are really fucking thick or desperate to swallow that garbage.

If my DH thought that of me, he'd be gone.

Yes, it sounds like this.