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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband disclosed and affair...where do I go from here?

153 replies

DCNO · 03/11/2022 12:33

Husband admitted to an affair of a few weeks with a coworker, only kisses. Said did not want to lose me/kids but in a matter of hours changed his tune to "I dont know if I have feelings for her and might want to support her financially and see where things go". Today He agreed to end it all with his coworker.
Not sure where to go from here as his mind keeps changing. I am worried and anxious about the future, but determined to be prepared for the worst case scenario. I need your help in putting together a checklist of things to prepare.
Thank you all.

OP posts:
Wiluli · 03/11/2022 14:00

I’m dirty but why are you even giving him power of decision ? Kick him out !! Mice in with your life , find someone who loves you , because he clearly doesn’t .

Bumzoo · 03/11/2022 14:05

Is she pregnant?

georgarina · 03/11/2022 14:07

Support her financially=child support

OopsAnotherOne · 03/11/2022 14:12

Sounds like he might have got her pregnant OP, and suddenly this secretive affair was going to become a whole lot harder to keep secret so he's doing damage limitation while he can.

He is no longer the man you thought he was, you cannot trust him and you cannot rely on him to do the "right" thing. Please start preparing for more to come and do not be pressured into making any decisions unless it's what you want and on a timescale you're happy with.

I would be asking him to leave while you come to your decision on what you want to do next, firstly.

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 03/11/2022 14:12

Imo support =pram and Cms.

Remainiac · 03/11/2022 14:14

The “supporting her financially” line when used by BiL was code for “I’m paying her for services”. In his case he was the “sugar daddy”. He paid a few woman varying regular amounts to buy their time/attention/company/bodies. In other words, prostitution.

ICanHideButICantRun · 03/11/2022 14:16

Yeah I'm afraid I agree with others that 'financial support' means she's pregnant. If she isn't and she works with him, why would he prioritise helping her financially?

defi · 03/11/2022 14:17

I think he's given you half a story

caringcarer · 03/11/2022 14:19

Get photocopies of his pension. Find out how much equity there is on your house. Photocopies of any savings accounts he has. Make an appointment with solicitor but before you go find out how much money you would have without him. Would he want shared custody of children or would he prefer every other weekend and one sleepover in week? Could you manage to care for kids on your own if he refused shared care? How much money do you earn? Could you get on and find out if you.cpuld get any benefits. Sounds like he has got gf 🤰 to me.

CantGetDecentNickname · 03/11/2022 14:20

Bookworm20 · 03/11/2022 13:43

For him to admit to it, and also sway between her and you, and the odd financial comment, there was definitely more than kissing. I'm so sorry OP.

But you ask for a checklist to prepare so heres mine:

  1. Kick him out today. You need time to think without him around. Let him know you are angry - not upset - Angry. And also tell him not to contact you. You will contact him when ready to do so.
  2. Prepare yourself for a whole load of other shit to come out.
  3. Talk to someone IRL, you are going to need support whatever happens
  4. Take half of any savings/money you have jointly and put it into an account in your name only. You do not want him to be 'supporting her financially' using your money.
  5. Arrange to see a divorce solicitor
  6. Gather any paperwork relating to finances and assets together and makes copies and store them somewhere he won't know about.

As much as you think he might be nice about this, the minute he even thinks you are considering leaving him he will likely turn into not a nice person. And lets face it, he isn't who you thought he was if he was off having an affair anyway.

Please follow the above. He does not get to decide how your marriage goes now you know he is cheating - you do. Firstly tell him that YOU are undecided about what YOU and going to do and if YOU want to remain married to him or not. YOU need time and space to think things over and hand him some clothes in a bag and tell him he is leaving immediately and YOU will let him know WHEN YOU have made your mind up and you have no idea when that will be.

Inform him that it is not OK for him to use family money to fund some other woman and you can ask directly if she is a sex worker or pregnant. If he shows any signs of resistance, say you are going to tell everyone he knows that he is planning to continue living with you whilst fathering a child by someone else. He really is a piece of work - I do think this is what he was proposing. Either way he has told many lies, minimised everything and will drip-feed some more information over time, but you'll never get the full truth or be able to trust what he says or does.

Sorry OP, this must be a horrid shock, please follow the steps listed in the PP above and get some support from a friend/family.

Emmamoo89 · 03/11/2022 14:20

You definitely need to leave. You deserve so much better. You are worth so much more. Sounds like the scumbag has gotten her pregnant. Hope you're okay x

MavisCruet2023 · 03/11/2022 14:37

He's lying to you.

I take it that he's got her pregnant.
That can be the only reason for his absurd idea to support her.

Men will barely buy a drink for a woman once they've shagged them in an affair, so she must be pregnant - otherwise he'd have said nowt.

LemonDrop22 · 03/11/2022 15:00

If he's knocked up his affair partner, there's no "might" support her financially! he'll owe her child maintenance in x months, no matter what he does or you do.

LemonDrop22 · 03/11/2022 15:01

But is he really such a crazy, off the bracket head case that he expects to tell you he's only kissed his AP and hide a child from you & presumably your entire families in less than 9 months??!!

EL8888 · 03/11/2022 15:14

“Supporting her”. Apparently this is after a few weeks and a few kisses?! He’s definitely not telling you the full story

BiscuitLover3678 · 03/11/2022 15:40

You want to be with someone who can’t decide? His choice should be clear!! Have respect for yourself, honestly.

AlbertaAnnie · 03/11/2022 15:50

“Support her financially”?? Why the fuck would he do that for a Co worker that he only kissed?? Are you married to Hugh Heffener?? Very strange - he needs to go, get to the Solicitors. Sorry your are going through this op

Calandor · 03/11/2022 15:56

Sounds like she's pregnant to me...

XAQ · 03/11/2022 16:02

He hasn't 'only' kissed her. He's fucked her. What's all the financially helping her about ?

Kick the lying cheater out.

ItsaMetalBand · 03/11/2022 16:05

He really thinks you are as thick as he is, doesn't he.

As bad as the lie is about him handing over money to someone he kissed about three times, what is another death knell is him "not knowing how he feels".
That's code for "I want you to get jealous and do the Pick Me dance because if you throw me out, I'm on my arse as she lives with her husband/ parents/ flatmates and I've nowhere to go"

paulaparticles · 03/11/2022 16:15

I'm so sorry this is happening to you and your dc. Def more to the story it doesn't make sense 😘

BlessedBeTheFruitCake · 03/11/2022 16:18

There’s definitely more of his admissions to come, he’ll have told you the minimum he thinks you'll possibly accept.
it sounds like OW maybe pregnant and she’s pushed him to come clean.
So sorry, op, he’s a shit.

HappinesDependsOnYou · 03/11/2022 16:20

I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds very much like he thinks he can do what he wants and you will be waiting. Do you share finances? If he is intending to financially support this person whilst he figures out what he wants you need to protect your claim to finances. If you can afford it counselling was brilliant for me getting through and processing the affair my husband had. It's a grieving process and it sped mine up drastically! Avoid pick me dances as hard as it is, avoid sex as you may find you have a sudden urge and kick him out. I am not one to scream ltb as I get it isn't that easy and is very unhelpful but right now he is talking about financing another woman who he has allegedly only kissed. Even if you want to reconcile he needs to be totally truthful, break contact for good and show he is working to fix what his issues were that led to the affair. Until he does all that he isn't worth your time. Focus on you and do things that make you happy. Get a support network and I recommend the website surviving infidelity for support

WahineToa · 03/11/2022 16:24

This would be a deal breaker for me personally. I just couldn’t trust or tolerate this.

AllOfThemWitches · 03/11/2022 16:26

What why are you waiting to see what he wants? He's a shit who cheated on you. Tell him to fuck off and enjoy her while she wants him.