Dating Thread 235... Gird those loins for November

[OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@Findingmeagain …I think the one that is not over his ex and told you so…avoid. It takes time to be over an ex. I dated 8 months and I was not over my ex clearly. I’m back with MrEx. Same thing happened to him. He dated. He wasn’t over me either.
If you don’t want to see someone just tell them…like someone else said you don’t owe the, anything
Great you have a front runner and I would just concentrate on that one 🙂

@ownedbygreyhounds …brilliant stuff. 3 irons to start with is cool. I’m sure you have a favourite 🙂. I was also dating searching for LTR but it’s better if it’s not on your profile I think as many suitors that are perfectly fine are just out of a marriage or a LTR and it can sound quite oppressing.
Enjoy your dates and update the mothership 😂😂😂

@ownedbygreyhounds great name ( retirement home for racers ? )

sounds like you have good pool of potential suitors there

2 retired greyhounds occupy my sofa. Never raced them myself, but got pulled in to homing them by their sad eyes.

Yeah I agree with this, I think everyone consciously or subconsciously has “type” that they would tend to gravitate towards, I’m not really one for petite women ( sorry to the petite women), I prefer a bit taller ( kinda 5’ 6” + ) and more curvy , but that’s just me.

@Mila14 thank you, that means a lot x

@ownedbygreyhounds this all sounds very promising. Do keep us posted on how things progress with each prospect!

I got chatting to a cheeky bloke last night. I need mothership to keep me grounded here. Handsome and 6ft. His messages were hilarious, just my sense of humour. Warning red flags - he has a son who he doesn't see very often who lives in another part of UK. Obviously too soon to know all details. He seems to be taking a break from work so not sure what's going on there either. He was honest about both points straight away so at least there's that. He was in sales for 20 years in similar work to my dad so a soft spot there which has drawn me in. Divorced 2 years ago. In the flurry of messages last night he seemed to suggest a lunch meet up tomorrow but I'll see if he follows that up today. In the meantime, he doesn't get a name quite yet! It's a minefield.

@5thWisdom …careful with those red flags…meet him and keep “investigating “. It can be he’s unemployed. Many guys don’t see their kids for whatever reason. For me that’s a trigger issue as my ex husband would go months not seeing mine when we just divorced out of sheer selfishness ( ie enjoying bachelor life) Damage has been done. Meet him and see how it goes. I learnt one thing in OLD days…your gut feeling is ALWAYS right

@Mila14 Yes, I will. I understand these things are complex. I have a 50/50 arrangement with my ex but have witnessed parental alienation in my extended family. I'm absolutely not looking for a father figure for my own, this search is for a partner for me during my child free time. I'm keeping children well out of it.

I'm sorry that you had to experience that with your ex and hope that things are much better now and he puts your children first.

The unemployment issue isn't huge for me as long as he's not into illegal activity to make a living!

If it's of any use or interest I've tweaked my criteria (extra tall and gorgeous) now as am deffo an average 50 yr old woman carrying a bit of unwanted extra weight.

MrCars is neither tall nor gorgeous but very attentive, clever and has skills and attributes I find incredibly swoonsome. He has a similar profession to me and background.

All the tall gorgeous ones over the years (Inc XH of 20 years) have turned out to be mad/bad/sad so I'm experimenting with someone who would have previously fallen out of my screening tactics of the past.
There hasn't been a massive spike in 'OMG HE IS AMAZING' as there has been in the past (incorrect initial knee jerk assessment...) and could be a slow burner or could turn out to be not a good match. This taking things as they come and not rushing in with tall chiselled ones is a new way of OLD for me.

Ps. I've put a total ban on discussing my kids with irons these days. They know how many and how old (three 15-20) and how I rarely get teen free time at home which means anyone who also has no child free availability at weekends is not a good match for me.

With previous relationships I was hoping to find a life partner so expected them to be interested in my parenting role. Now I'm all about free time frolics only I don't want them to know of my kids and their various issues. That's my business and I don't need their support or interest.

@OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss I actually think you may be onto something there. I hope this new approach is effective for you - I've definitely been swept up by the mad/bad/sad ones, which is where I've gone wrong in the past. It's hard when that's what you're attracted to, to change that.

He's just sent a very funny video. I much prefer funny to smooshy 'morning gorgeous' blerrgh.

We shall seeee.

@OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss I love this approach re: children and am same. Don't need a man's input, support or interference in parenting my children.

@OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss I totally get you there. And I think the days of just going on your initial phwoar-ability are well behind me. The ones I feel I've clicked with most are the ones I wouldn't have thought at first.

In fact the tall, good looking one I met on my first date was so into himself he said that it'd obviously be easier for him to meet someone than me. Fuck right off.

So, I had three irons then a potential, very interesting fourth came along.
I also had a very keen man that I wasn't and not the bullet and told him last night. I haven't heard from him and that makes me glad and also empowered that I'm holding those boundaries, like we were discussing yesterday. I don't owe these guys anything. But he'd been really trying so I was very nice too.

Anyway
Mr L - not heard from him
Mr B - hottie - not heard from him
Mr Y - not convinced but anyway not heard from him.
And coming up on the outside
Mr A - who is precisely what I'm looking for - not heard from him either.

But
I am lying in bed or on the sofa 24/7 just now with Covid and obviously these men have actual lives so I'm trying not to overthink it.

@NoDatingForOldMen - you're so right. Mr B told me he loves a woman with bum, boobs and tummy. It's in quite a contrast to his toned (swoon) body but I agree we all like different types. Luckily or I'd be buggered being a tall, curvy, older woman 😂

And I can't remember who said it, apologies, but the guy who has no job and doesn't see his child, please listen to your gut. My 2nd date had a fractured relationship with his kids and from digging appeared to have a background very similar to my ex who chose his new woman over his kids and hasn't seen or spoken to any of them in three years. I realised I'd gone for an identikit of my ex

Love funny @5thWisdom

and actually this is my main area of scrutiny with only iron MrCars as 'make me laugh' is now top top top of my list of must-haves and I'm not sure that he does....

That's a massive no no for me @Definitelycross if they've moved away from their kids. I ignored it in the past then realised it was triggering and a turn off for me as exactly what my XH did to his teen kids and has messed them up plus hate him for it. Selfish weirdo. Also leaving me with 100% of the parenting drudge and crisis while he lives his best life with his OW.

EEEEEUUUUUUUUWWWWW
It's not an attractive thing

Yes it's definitely proceed with caution in that regard. He is miles away from where he said his child lives. I've also learned that people lie a lot so it's hard to actually get to the truth behind these complex matters. It's often a case of gut instinct and reading between the lines.

Oh I'm sorry but yes sounds exactly the same.

Total waste of skin

I also have kept kids totally out of my dating thankfully. However…Mr Ex knows my kids personally and even my mum as we have been a steady couple before break up, this time I’m being more careful but my daughter does adore him 🙄.

For me is more about not wanting to date guys that abandon their own kids in any way or have issues with their kids. Perhaps I didn’t verbalise this. The way you treat your own kids says a lot about your character.

I’m not yet 100% into being back with MrEx. He’s very handsome but has other issues…we will see how it goes but I love him, that is the truth. And after almost 7 years…I fancy him crazy 😝

Deffy

And I can't remember who said it, apologies, but the guy who has no job and doesn't see his child, please listen to your gut. My 2nd date had a fractured relationship with his kids and from digging appeared to have a background very similar to my ex who chose his new woman over his kids and hasn't seen or spoken to any of them in three years. I realised I'd gone for an identikit of my ex

It was me who said and that is exactly my issue. I already married one of those selfish guys. I don’t want one of those as a partner

Looking good with multiple irons. Just get well from the nasty covid and keep all balls in the air. If your gut feeling sounds the alarm…drop the iron. You have plenty to choose from right there

Totally on board with all comments about the kids. My ex doesn't have any meaningful contact with mine - his choice - and years of waxing and waning contact has left its mark. He got married during Covid to someone else and I only found out by chance on his brother's FB. He told the kids two years later that he'd got married a few months ago. Eurgh!!!!

Oncey…I laugh non stop with Mr Ex…it’s one of the things I love about him. He’s fun . A sense of humor is important. Mr Intense has none…so that’s switched me off . MrIntense is very keen but I’m really not with it…

I don’t even know if my ex has married! No idea. I speak to him the minimum and only about kids

I wish I could get my divorce through. It's been over three years and he's just sat on the paperwork.

He's moving soon and told me for the legal papers but didn't think to tell our children. He said he would once he had.

Yeah he left a 26 year marriage with nothing but his clothes. No photos, no memories nothing. He doesn't have any type of electronic device so no photos there either.

It would be a massive red flag for me if a guy has nothing to do with his kids. Also if he slated the mother of his children. But I know that's due to my own circumstances.

I found it strange that I was on a date with someone who had done similar. I think the worst thing is it was only on reflection that I really saw it properly.

Never married 😏

so the split whilst deeply awful , was very simple

sorry that sounds really smug
maybe I should feel sadness as I approach half a century
but honest to god I sometimes wonder abiut the whole marriage concept in 2022 and with the major societal and gender changes since the concept originated

Well that was short lived. I'm glad I didn't name him. Messaging quickly turned sour as he's obviously got a past he's not proud of. Blocked and deleted. Dodged a bullet there.