Dating Thread 235... Gird those loins for November

[OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Ok…I think I will have to meet MrIntense. He’s intense. I can’t believe this is happening now that I’m supposed to be back with MrEx. The reality is I have had 1 text from MrEx all day and I know he’s had an awful week jobwise but…I feel disengaged somehow…I think I need to get back home and decide what I want but WTF…Mr Intense is super handsome and sensitive and reads like an open book. Mr Ex used to read like an open book…right now I can’t really read him fully and I am passed doing extra effort to keep the relationship ticking . I need to see what this Mr Intense is.

Go for it!

I can’t remember who asked, but yes I split then he died. It was an unhealthy relationship and a train wreck of a split and I’m deeply relieved he’s out of my life in a permanent way. He paid no attention to DD at all, so she didn’t really care (even though I was careful to give her space to). It definitely brings up things when you get back in the saddle, and I rather think my way of developing relationships might be somewhat flawed, so I’m happy to go with a decent guy’s timetable. At least I chose better this time (as far as one can tell at this point. He’s nice about his ex, though. Mine purposely tried to destroy me. It’s kind of a low bar, but it IS a bar!)

Oh Eeky…you must have suffered greatly. Many of us have had awful marriages to be honest. I’m glad you sound quite clear and grounded and hope Mr2 pugs gets a move on and makes you insanely happy

Hi all, I’m new here! So been single 12yrs out of choice, many reasons. Single parent, but older kids / adults. Pre lockdown a guy at work, let’s call him Mr Amusing as he’s one of those funny guys who makes everyone laugh, but sometimes think he’s making some shit up! But we have always had some chemistry I think, and some emails he’s sent have said you’ve always been my favourite etc. Feb 2020 he mentioned taking me to the theatre, but lockdown happened and I didn’t see him face to face until last Thursday. 2hrs later he emailed me to say great to see you, I feel that we need a proper catch up, I’ll take you for a drink / Theatre. So we are going for a drink on Tuesday after work. Arghh! I’m so nervous. I know he was divorced in Feb 2020, no idea if he is still single or if he see’s this as anything other than a colleague catch up. But let’s see, it’s the closest I’ve got to a date in a long time!

I am excited for all those people with new dates set up. I find the first day chatting online very exciting but it's disappointing when it comes to nothing. With one match we had moved the conversation to WhatsApp and were chatting for hours last night. Today I noticed he has unmatched me on the app. Is this a huge red flag ? Not attempted to WhatsApp today but hoping I haven't been blocked (bit paranoid). It does seem that some guys are only interested in a flirty chat but when you try to arrange a date they disappear. I feel like I am already rubbish at online dating and keep feeling tempted to delete the app. And I second that we have all been left a little messed up by divorce and are still the ones juggling the main parenting responsibilities. I feel ready to date again but think my emotions are still raw which is probably making me a bit vulnerable.

@Eeksteek I'm so sorry.

I don't want to give a lot of details as it'd be obvious to a lot of people I know on here. But suffice to say it took 3 years of support from Womens aid and other charities to put me back together.

Do you remember me saying the other day about really going through a guy because I felt he'd disrespected me. Well he's back, all guns blazing. Says it was my attitude that swung it for him.

I don't know how I feel. I had a guy the other day ask me to dominate him in the bedroom. Fully.

Maybe that'd help me get some frustration about ex having had no karma visited on him at all yet.

I totally get you.

Mr Toy went from being lovely and normal on his messages to tame sex talk this evening. Muted and archived.

I want to know where the guys like us are? Statistically there must be a good few men who've been in horrid marriages looking for a lovely partner. Where are they??

I want to know where the guys like us are? Statistically there must be a good few men who've been in horrid marriages looking for a lovely partner. Where are they??

they are out there . Of course . But this thread evidences that they also carry a shit load
of baggage and much of this manifests in emotional unavailability .

hence - here we all are !!!

Yes I think that mostly women have friends to confide in whereas men don’t and so carry the baggage more heavily and their v defence is to retreat into unavailability to protect themselves from being hurt again.

Hi all - I was hoping to join this thread. Feel really deflated today as I’ve been ghosted again. This time it stings as it was a mutual friend who introduced me to him (Mr Tango). We had a great first date about 3 weeks ago and he was the perfect gentleman in how texted after the date - he was really keen and I tried to hold back. We said in touch the whole week etc. He then went on holiday with family for two weeks and sent me an airport text about looking forward to seeing me when he’s back. He’s been back at least 4 days but whole family became ill. Our mutual friend told me text to see how he’s feeling but he hasn’t opened my message but has been online lots. So it looks like even when you’re set up between friends, they can still ghost you. Just so tired of the humiliation of being ghosted and don’t know if I can face the apps anymore… what do you guys do when you get to this stage?

This sounds so exciting… I love it when you already know them and there’s chemistry. I doubt he’d be taking you for drinks and theatre if he was with someone. What a lovely first date too!!

Sorry was meant to tag @Zanatdy in my post above

Thank you! Yeah I think he’s interested, but then I sometimes think he’s a big flirt with everyone, but agree he wouldn’t have suggested a trip to the theatre or a drink if he wasn’t interested. Let’s see! Exciting, but scary. I’ll report back!

@Redberries85 it hurts so much when they do this but it really is always a bullet dodged - if someone hasn’t got the backbone to have a vaguely challenging conversation to let someone know they’ve decided they don’t want to proceed then they’re the kind of person who you’d come home one day to find out they’d disappeared without notice.

@Definitelycross agree with the others - I also think it’s absolutely key to have the ability to swiftly move through the stack of inappropriate/unavailable types so you actually manage to get to the good ones. The trouble when you’re starting out I think is that you stop and get distracted easily, and can waste weeks chatting/meeting someone who turns out to be a waste of time.

I found it much easier to bin/unmatch/move on once I found the right apps - there was such a dearth of good candidates where I live on Tinder and Bumble etc that I was proceeding with a sense of scarcity. When I moved into OKCupid and Feeld it just worked so much better - literally thousands of matches on Feeld (yes most of them were cougar-searching 21 year olds but still 😆) so it was easy to just keep moving on knowing there were plenty of people to choose from.

Exactly right

I suspect there's many more decent women divorcing dire men so the decent ones stay married

Love that I'm like a succulent thriving on neglect skit. It's so true.

MrCars is very into me. I'm not sure we're a good match. He doesn't make roar with laughter and his kissing isn't very enthusiastic despite lots of pre-talk of how much kissing, hugging and touching he's going to be subjecting me to as he finds me so irresistible it always (three meets in one week so only met him in the flesh last Sat for first time)

Ive boldly suggested a boutique hotel for our next rendezvous for an overnighter...

I have paused dating apps and I’m out completely

Mr Intense ramping up on the communications…and he’s absolutely lovely…why the f%%k didn’t I meet him when I was totally available? I’m very confused because I’m thinking of this guy and having a texting match every evening. I can’t believe this…

I think what this exposes is that I’m not totally ok with the way things are with MrEx so I guess we will have to talk. Im tempted to withdraw sex ( which is the best I’ve ever had and probably will have) until I get my head around of whether I still want to date MrEx.

My issue here is that I want a long time partner and a close committed relationship and I need to feel very secure about this. MrEx is an extraordinarily handsome man, top city job and exquisite manners but very social. Mr Intense is very handsome but less social. He’s got a lot of time in his hands as he now can WFH and is on the way out of the top city job. I have no idea if Mr Intense is compatible in the sack either and I want good sex

I feel very much I am in my last window of opportunity to find the man I want to be with. I’m aware I can have a fling easily with many eligible men but that’s not what I want or need. I should be over the moon there are 2 men I fancy A LOT who are on my field.

I get it if I don’t pick right in the near future… I will just be older and not that bothered to be flexible to share life with another man. Bring on the cats…

MrN doesn’t make me roar with laughter but - there is a gentle humour that is growing. A friend told me sometimes these things grow over time and he is funny, but he’s not a show off “holding court” type (my standard sort 🫣). So tgat could not be a bad thing…

Ref the kissing etc - is it doing things for you? Are you into him?

I stupidly sent that clip to MrM yesterday who is emotionally unavailable and I’m sure must have made him think I’m a complete fruitcake. I don’t think men realise we talk like this about ourselves 🤪

Oncey…do you really fancy him? Are you ready for a hotel rendezvous?

@ibelieveinmirrorballs …really good things staying stronger with MrN but I don’t understand why sending that video to MrM…I thought you guys were clear on what you are after

Had a flurry of texts from MrEx and he apologised wholeheartedly for not communicating much last week 🙄. He knows I get triggered if there’s not much contact. He says he loves me and we’ll chat tomorrow over the phone.
I’m quite defensive now and I don’t know I can go back to relax fully. He’s done a lot of drinking from last weekend.
im going ahead with video chat with MrIntense tomorrow too. He does a lot of sport and I don’t think he drinks that much. I don’t know what I am doing 🙄…

@Mila14 I’ve found things a bit bumpy emotionally in the last couple of weeks - MrN is away for a month and I had a bit of a comedown from that and from heady weekend with MrM. We had a good talk yesterday and a bit of a “course correct - it’s a work in progress as I do not really have a clue what I’m doing on this ENM set up. Trying to just talk about feelings as they come up and not panic about any of it. One thing I have ti be careful of is relying too much on validation/support from A Bloke and getting on with the rest of my life as much as possible. I’ve had a weekend all to myself and it’s been bliss. Work is extremely stressful with lots of political manoeuvring and whilst in a way that’s exciting, it’s also draining and hard work.

I know you like all this intensity (hence… Mr Intensity 😬) but I would just say take it easy, try not to overthink any new person and what it might mean until you’ve met them a couple of times.

I do think this attachment with MrEx seems to reach a certain point of togetherness and then bring more anxiety than joy.

1000% true, I feel very envious of how (some) women seem to have a support network, something lots of blokes don’t have

Ive boldly suggested a boutique hotel for our next rendezvous for an overnighter...

that is quite a bold move, making an overnighter for the 1st being physical

@ibelieveinmirrorballs … I think it’s ok to wobble…God knows we all do. You are right on finding validation outside a man is not ok. I love my life as it is but I am quite focused on getting on with building my personal bubble
If Mr M can’t say “I love you” you need to see if you are ok with it. Mr N loves you and he’s exclusive to you I guess…or not…I don’t really know what your arrangement is but if you are settled and happy, that’s your thing

i know Mr Ex loves me very much but I really need him to sort himself a bit more. When he told me he wanted all in and that he had time to think about it I asked him to WAIT to get himself fully sorted and he said he did not want to wait for anything. Job is extremely stressful right now but he has mental issues.

I think Mr Intensity will blow out eventually so I really don’t have massive expectations. On paper he’s great and totally sorted. But I do love MrEx very much and that is a fact. I’ve come off all apps now and think I’m in the last bit and what a journey …broke up with Mr Ex, some months to myself and friends and family, some OLD and back to the love of my life. I believe in my gut feeling though, and I think I want to meet Mr Intense even though it might end up in absolutely nothing and just a nice dinner. I can’t really say no but he’s new to OLD and what a massive price this chap is. Someone will get very lucky to bag him

I want to know where the guys like us are? Statistically there must be a good few men who've been in horrid marriages looking for a lovely partner. Where are they??

I know a few single/ divorced men via my hobby club, most of them have no real in dating, not in a Incel kinda way, but more in a women to offer them anymore, most have grown kids and not interested in getting back into a relationship again.

You have a new iron @Mila14
Tell us more about MrIntense sounds interesting if he has turned your head away from MrEx!

Yea 'bold' or daft re hotel for first time physical. It's something I've done before for date 4 with previous irons when home circs weren't conducive.

Im in OLD for fun and frolics only at the mo rather than a life partner so need to test the compatibility but tbh my interest is evaporating I think 🤷‍♀️
Could be that it is a winter warmer to see me through until I go back on the apps OR we have nil compatibility and I knock it on the head....