Page 22 | Dating Thread 235... Gird those loins for November

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss · 2022-11-01T22:05:24+00:00

The Rules: 1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating. 2. Develop a thick skin. 3. Do not invest emotionally too soon. 4. It's all BS until it actually happens. 5. Trust your gut instinct. 6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault. 7. Know your worth. 8. If it's not fun, stop. 9. Loo update is mandatory. 10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy. Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Mila14 · 19/11/2022 15:35

@Mumtolittleorange …why did it end with MrFish?

OLDstolemybrain · 19/11/2022 15:47

Woohoo @Definitelycross sounds like things on are the up

Spent the day still thinking about MrGhost but have also started up a chat with someone else. He seems really nice so far, we have a lot of interests in common so we’ll see

Mila14 · 19/11/2022 16:00

@OLDstolemybrain well done you!

Mumtolittleorange · 19/11/2022 16:00

@Mila14 Mr Fish is still sharing the marital home - albeit in separate bedrooms for years - and only started the divorce process a few months ago. He said he was ready for a relationship and I believed him. I've been living with my kids on my own for many years although I had a similar relationship before that with my ex so could relate and put any alarm bells to the back of my mnd.
When we first started communicating it was super intense and we talked for hours, pretty much, daily. We went on several dates. Everything was going well but then he started to get really busy with work and life and I felt he was withdrawing a bit. I started to panic and didn't feel secure. Maybe he met someone else. He was still on the dating app (as was I). I was feeling increasingly uneasy but we ended up sleeping together. It was nice but deep down I felt something wasn't right.
He went away on business for a week and I didn't hear much from him. I called him out as there was, by now, a big elephant in the room and he said that he had realised that he wasn't in a position to give me what I wanted / needed at this moment in time. That he needed to concentrate on the kids and divorce. That he didn't know what his future was going to look like so couldn't imagine me in it. And that was that really.
Even though it had started to feel wrong I really liked him so much and we had such a strong bond. I miss the messaging and support more than anything else. The friendship even. I just can't seem to get over it 🥲

Joey69 · 19/11/2022 16:02

Mila14 · 19/11/2022 15:35

@Mumtolittleorange …why did it end with MrFish?

Was it because there was not enough roe-mance, ?

l’ll get my coat …

Mumtolittleorange · 19/11/2022 16:03

@Joey69 😂😂😂

NoDatingForOldMen · 19/11/2022 16:12

Mila14 · 19/11/2022 15:35

@Mumtolittleorange …why did it end with MrFish?

Hope he wasn’t a blowfish, or You might get re-puffed.

I will also fetch my coat 🧥

Mumtolittleorange · 19/11/2022 16:13

I also need to confess that we had a short exchange in text messages today. I know no good will come from this!!!! I just wanted to keep the door of friendship open (and of course I'm hoping for more in the future). I'm an idiot.

This time of year / cuffing season is just the worst to be single!!!! 🙄

Mila14 · 19/11/2022 16:13

I’m sorry @Mumtolittleorange …I remember you discussing but I did know you DTD. I think it’s harder ad you feel more attachment or the exact opposite if DTD.
I think it’s normal you feel awful because you really really liked him but on the positive side he did not ghost you or disappeared…he was able to tell you straight he didn’t see you in his future….it hurts but it gives you CLOSURE. That’s a positive thing

Mumtolittleorange · 19/11/2022 16:14

@NoDatingForOldMen I'll fetch it for you 🤣 Thanks for cheering me up though!!

Definitelycross · 19/11/2022 16:17

What's cuffing season???

Definitelycross · 19/11/2022 16:19

he said that he had realised that he wasn't in a position to give me what I wanted / needed at this moment in time. That he needed to concentrate on the kids and divorce. That he didn't know what his future was going to look like so couldn't imagine me in it.

I hate that. Hate, hate, hate it. It's such an easy way out

Mumtolittleorange · 19/11/2022 16:20

He said he couldn't give me the commitment I needed or wanted with the situation he was in. He said I needed more than he could offer at this moment in time.
That's the trouble. I keep hanging on the idea that it might change in the future. Which is silly. I think he was being honest but it's also obvious that he was just not in to me as much as I was into him. And that hurts.
I know I need to move on but it's really hard.

Mumtolittleorange · 19/11/2022 16:23

@Definitelycross agree. It felt like a cop out and he was back on the dating app hours after that conversation 😬

Cuffing season, as I have learnt today, is when people get into a relationship or back into one with an ex to tide them over the winter months.

OLDstolemybrain · 19/11/2022 16:24

Mila14 · 19/11/2022 16:00

@OLDstolemybrain well done you!

Thanks! Still can’t stop myself checking WhatsApp to see if MrGhost has blocked me 🫣 but it’s nice to be having some friendly chats with other people too

Mila14 · 19/11/2022 17:00

Guys…when a guys is REALLY into you…he does all he has to do and goes all out to be with you. Let’s stop kidding ourselves. Time to move on please 🙏

ibelieveinmirrorballs · 19/11/2022 17:01

Mumtolittleorange · 19/11/2022 16:00

@Mila14 Mr Fish is still sharing the marital home - albeit in separate bedrooms for years - and only started the divorce process a few months ago. He said he was ready for a relationship and I believed him. I've been living with my kids on my own for many years although I had a similar relationship before that with my ex so could relate and put any alarm bells to the back of my mnd.
When we first started communicating it was super intense and we talked for hours, pretty much, daily. We went on several dates. Everything was going well but then he started to get really busy with work and life and I felt he was withdrawing a bit. I started to panic and didn't feel secure. Maybe he met someone else. He was still on the dating app (as was I). I was feeling increasingly uneasy but we ended up sleeping together. It was nice but deep down I felt something wasn't right.
He went away on business for a week and I didn't hear much from him. I called him out as there was, by now, a big elephant in the room and he said that he had realised that he wasn't in a position to give me what I wanted / needed at this moment in time. That he needed to concentrate on the kids and divorce. That he didn't know what his future was going to look like so couldn't imagine me in it. And that was that really.
Even though it had started to feel wrong I really liked him so much and we had such a strong bond. I miss the messaging and support more than anything else. The friendship even. I just can't seem to get over it 🥲

I'm sorry you've had to go through this disappointment from him - it sounds very much as though he was using dating/the apps to fill a hole in his life, probably loneliness. I think the apps are chock-full of people who think they're ready, get "lost in the sauce" of it all with masses of intense messaging, hours of daily calls etc, but when the reality of it all sinks in, and they have to actually show up to something resembling the early stage of dating or a relationship, they realise they're not ready and can't do it.

I know it won't be much consolation but please know it really is not you, and nothing you could have done would have made him more ready, more into it, etc. It is so hard when we have these first brushes with feelings, let down and disappointment when we start putting ourselves out there, but we do learn each time and get better at spotting the signs early on.

I had an iron who was like this, totally not ready for a relationship despite telling me he was (they ALWAYS say they are), and we ended after a few months when it really became clear he could not maintain the declarations and actually show up properly. After a period of no contact, we're now friends, and he shares his dating stories with me - and I can see clearly that 18 months later, he's STILL not ready, not emotionally available, and is going through the same cycle with other people.

You WILL meet better people, people who actually are emotionally available and who show you that not by telling you they are, but with their actions.

Mila14 · 19/11/2022 17:02

@Mumtolittleorange If the kids are an issue he puts a time frame with you and discusses how to work out the next months really. It’s difficult to admit it but they are just not into us. And if they are still on the app….well well well… want more do you need to know

Mumtolittleorange · 19/11/2022 17:07

@Mila14 I know... I say to myself all the time. He's just not into me. Like you say, if they are, they make it work, regardless.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs thank you. So kind and needed to hear that today.

Mila14 · 19/11/2022 17:08

ibelieveinmirrorballs · 19/11/2022 17:01

I'm sorry you've had to go through this disappointment from him - it sounds very much as though he was using dating/the apps to fill a hole in his life, probably loneliness. I think the apps are chock-full of people who think they're ready, get "lost in the sauce" of it all with masses of intense messaging, hours of daily calls etc, but when the reality of it all sinks in, and they have to actually show up to something resembling the early stage of dating or a relationship, they realise they're not ready and can't do it.

I know it won't be much consolation but please know it really is not you, and nothing you could have done would have made him more ready, more into it, etc. It is so hard when we have these first brushes with feelings, let down and disappointment when we start putting ourselves out there, but we do learn each time and get better at spotting the signs early on.

I had an iron who was like this, totally not ready for a relationship despite telling me he was (they ALWAYS say they are), and we ended after a few months when it really became clear he could not maintain the declarations and actually show up properly. After a period of no contact, we're now friends, and he shares his dating stories with me - and I can see clearly that 18 months later, he's STILL not ready, not emotionally available, and is going through the same cycle with other people.

You WILL meet better people, people who actually are emotionally available and who show you that not by telling you they are, but with their actions.

Show quote history

I love this @ibelieveinmirrorballs …voice of wisdom. I have to admit I might be one of those guys…never fully ready for a relationship…it’s downing on me

Definitelycross · 19/11/2022 17:32

It's interesting as the guy I met last week made sure I knew for certain that he was not ready for a relationship and wanted to go out as friends.

It took pressure off but I think deep down I'd hoped he would. Like I'd sweep him off his uncomittable feet.

I have an iron that we've had great fun over the phone with.

Again we've talked about meeting up but both of us know it's only going to be physical. We've near enough agreed that. I could really do with a good 'night' but will I be able to stay detached???

Mila14 · 19/11/2022 17:34

@Definitelycross …whatever you do please don’t hurt yourself. If you are in for sexy times only…then that’s what you get. Check with yourself whether you are ok with this first.

ibelieveinmirrorballs · 19/11/2022 18:31

Definitelycross · 19/11/2022 17:32

It's interesting as the guy I met last week made sure I knew for certain that he was not ready for a relationship and wanted to go out as friends.

It took pressure off but I think deep down I'd hoped he would. Like I'd sweep him off his uncomittable feet.

I have an iron that we've had great fun over the phone with.

Again we've talked about meeting up but both of us know it's only going to be physical. We've near enough agreed that. I could really do with a good 'night' but will I be able to stay detached???

I’ve learned my lesson with this as I insisted on meeting an iron who got cold feet at the last minute and said he realised he was not looking for a relationship. We met and hit it off and had amazing adventures for 3 months until…. he confirmed he was not ready for a relationship and called it off. By this point interspersed with the amazing adventures I’d had terrible anxiety as his behaviour was sometimes ambivalent.

This clip might make you smile - like she says, I thrive on this sort of ambivalence and am fatally drawn towards it.. it’s worth trying to steer yourself away as soon as you get wind they’re not really two feet in!

Definitelycross · 19/11/2022 18:38

@ibelieveinmirrorballs that clips brilliant

Well, what a day

Meeting MrT for a fun night soon.

And Mr Toy has now asked to meet up for dinner and dancing. We live quite far apart so I don't know the logistics but it's been quite good to feel like this.

Mila14 · 19/11/2022 19:21

Oh my goodness…unlikely iron I didn’t think I would happen is now on deep text messaging. He wants to meet. I don’t know what I’m doing but clearly this shows I’m not ready to commit now to Mr Ex …I will end up taking care of cats