Dating Thread 235... Gird those loins for November

[OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Nothing like as much chat. Complete silence for two days (he did say he had an awful week coming up). He’s divorced and in his own place. Ex has moved in with a new bloke and kids. He sees his kids loads and is dedicated to his job, which is something I looked for and is great.

Of course, I’ve only got his word for all of that. But why lie? It’s not as if he’s after anything, is it!? He seems genuine enough to me. He is just so lovely. Not Iove-bombing or creepy lovely, but genuinely decent. It’s worth hanging in there, I think, it’s just frustrating. He’s been fairly open about his ex, and tactful too. I’m really happy with the connection. My time is pretty limited, in that I can’t be gadding about with a new man much either, so I’m relieved I’m not the limiting factor. But at this rate, it’ll never get off the ground. I have this awful vibe that he’s poised for flight and pushing him will be the last straw. But if I let him go at his pace, I think this could really be good. One day!

My house sale should go through next week. Then I can invite him out for a swanky celebration!

Tinder & POF are generally free, Bumble might be free for women ( men pay ).
i think match & eHarmony are paid, as is OurTime ( for men at least)

Dog walking is good, do you not chat to other walkers?

@OLDstolemybrain
i think maybe you jumped the gun a wee bit ?
maybe he had other child care issues to deal with.

I don’t think you sound like a mentalist, but probably no coming back either sorry.

Totally agree and feel very silly now. I think maybe I haven’t dealt with exH stuff before I start dating again ☹️

@OLDstolemybrain don't feel silly. I think dating has really magnified things for me that I haven't dealt with in terms of my ex. Something very similar happened with me and Mr Fish. He started to withdraw (in terms of communication!) and I started to panic a bit. It wasn't so much about him as about my sensitivity to that based on how my ex used to disappear and ghost for long periods of time.
OLD is definitely a process.

Thank you. ExH really did a number on me and I thought after 2 years I had dealt with it.

He might think I truly am mad but I’ve sent him a message just saying that despite what I said I really do hope he is ok and then a little joke we have about how he falls asleep in the bath. He might continue to ignore, he might have been put off me now or he might come back 🤷🏻‍♀️ who knows but at least I have tried to set things right 😊

Eeky. Then he’s fine. He’s divorced now and living on his own. I believe this totally. It’s when they are only separated where there is greyer areas or still living together when my antennae gets beeping. Patience…is ok but you need to know he fancies you the same

@NoDatingForOldMen I do but most are couples or my mums age 😃 love to chat to anyone - but so far it's not a dating option even with my beautiful baby!

@OLDstolemybrain exactly... at some level I think we just have to do what we can and leave the rest to fate. If it's meant to be and all that.

It's been eight years for me and I'm realising that there are still things that I thought I'd dealt with that I apparently haven't... but I'm getting there. We're all a sum of what's gone before.

@Nugg beautiful pup!!!!

I think even if you have, dating can bring it up again. I’m 9 years out, and it still makes me think about mine a lot more then I’d like to (mostly ‘how could I be so stupid?’)

Eeky, congrats on house sale too 😊

Ahhhh…. really cute @Nugg!! I have a goldendoodle puppy. She gets loads of attention and asked on play dates… no luck for me though!

Awwww 😍

I wouldn’t see a man that wasn’t properly out. I think he’s fine. I’m just venting, really. And I do have a terrible tendency to just jump right into things at full speed. A steadying influence is definitely a good thing. And, to put it into to perspective, I waited almost nine years to date, a couple more months before I get into mischief or worse isn’t going to hurt!

I would enjoy it more if he was a bit flirty, but maybe that’s just not him. There was absolutely, definitely passion in those kisses (and it might be just that I’m bit touch starved, but it was freaking awesome!) so he gets the benefit of the doubt, for all my grumbling! Time will tell.

I did a bit of casual swiping, and no one is catching my eye. And given that there are a million and one men on tinder, that probably means I’m not ready to call it a day. Expect continued grumbling while he sorts his life out! We should start a sweepstake.

Thankyou for the puppy love!

@OLDstolemybrain

I did something similar twice if that's any help?

I then explained ti the second one why I did it.

Sadly I don't think there's any way back for me with either.

I don't let people off with a lot because my ex abused me psychologically so much that I've found now I really don't understand as much as I thought.

I've found myself questioning everyone and everything.

Two lovely men on Match this morning. Messaged. They've been deemed not appropriate.

I don't know what I'm doing any more. My ex stole nearly all of my self confidence and although I always go into things believing the best - a bit naive - then they do one small thing and up I go in a cloud of smoke.

That future as a cat lady is looking more and more likely

@Nugg
nice pup what breed is it? , what do you call it ?

put a picture on your profile it’s a good conversation starter

Yep this is me. Your post brought tears to my eyes because it’s so true. It’s like I’m waiting for something bad to happen or self sabotaging.

lesson learnt. I thought he was a good egg but now I’ve probably fluffed it up 🤦🏻‍♀️

I'm sorry @OLDstolemybrain 🤗🤗🤗

@NoDatingForOldMen she's a cocker spaniel and I joined fb dating last night and she stars!

Erm…this is not easy to confess…I haven’t been fessing up to the mothership..

MrEx, whom I love very much…has been very busy and with some drama… So he goes quiet on comms and ask me to wait until he’s down with the week. In the old days it would give me massive angst and made me suffer and I would feel abandonment. think I am so used to his drama that it makes me switch off now.

I had a guy I picked before Mr Ex and I decided to give it a go… I had 0 expectations as he’s punching way above my usual. He’s incredibly attractive and 6’3” and super sporty, used to have power job but now winding down.Surprise…he’s extremely sensitive. I can’t say much as it’s outing but he’s totally my type

I have been mostly rude asking all type of questions non stop about him and his life thinking he would just unmatch me and ghost me and I really didn’t care…so I would disappear and not chat suddenly because I just didn’t feel like and had other stuff to do…but my friends…he persevered.
I have no idea why he didn’t just drop me. He has confessed he was close to ditching me but could not 😂 and perhaps my euroness gave me a point there

Anyway…massive personal emotional chat on the phone. He reads like an open book and I’m not used to people being vulnerable other than MrEx who got me with exactly his full blown vulnerability.

I don’t know what I will do but I love MrEx so this is a weird thing. Possibly deep down I know I don’t want to grow old with MrEx because I am finding him hard work and unreliable once we get together. I am work travelling from Monday but not back home until beginning of December and I can’t promise I will not see this other person even if nothing at all happens.

This. There is a reason I felt confident enough to message Mr2Pugs, despite not actually meaning to do that Swipey Thang! And no one could be more chivalrous and less triggering. (I know I go on about him, but the reason I have space to feel so hot for him is because he makes me feel so safe and comfortable by being so careful. And you can’t have it both ways!)

I still don’t understand how Tinder works. I had a message and a match yesterday while I was out, but it just evaporated before I even read it. When I didn’t message a match i swiped on instantly it evaporated, but the last one (who hadn’t messaged me) sat there for a day. I should probably find out before I do any more swiping! I’m not really up for multiple irons. I can see it’s sensible, but I have my child 100% so only have very limited time for it.

@Definitelycross and @OLDstolemybrain …I think many of us totally understand and feel we are YOU

I was ignored and not listened to by my ex husband until I fell totally out of love and wanted out. Not having deep communication and being listened to is very triggering for me. And I have not been able to be healthy about allowing people to get on with their stuff and maybe lower comms when I need that contact. I need to express myself and I require headspace in a lover. Likewise I need them to express themselves and let me know their feelings

i think we probably will have to accept this how we are ladies and try to be with someone that understands this is who we are

Thank you.

I'm glad it's not just me, although I don't wish this shitty feeling on anyone.

I'm scared that part of me will always be broken.

I've said to friends I always believe people when I first meet them. I should be more cynical after everything that's happened.

BUT when they act up I'm surprised and hurt and the worst feeling - embarrassed.

I wish I had my walls up at the beginning.