Is my H gay? I feel so angry?

[IsHeGay2023]

Just to explain I’ve namechanged for this. I am currently in therapy and I think my therapist agrees there could be an element of bisexuality but it all literally flooded out of me in the last ten minutes of the session.

This is very hard to write:

1. I feel very lonely and unloved in my relationship - we’ve been together over 20 years and have two children aged 11 and 7
2. He has a stressful job but is out of the house at 8 and back 630 most days. He also wfh for 3 days a week.
3. we spend every weekend together as a family.
4. he only goes out maybe once a month or so with his old school friends and as we (the wives) are all friends too I know they’re out together
5. He likes me to dominate him in bed
6. he very rarely instigates sex - it’s always me
7. about once a month max can go two months. If I probably instigated it more often it could happen but I want someone to want me rather than me doing the chasing
8. when we have sex he likes me taking full control ordering him about
9. he has asked me in the past to use a dildo/strap on I tried it and didn’t like it
10. I am aware in our early 20s he’s enjoyed she-male porn
11. if we have sex it’s all about his submission to me.
12. we’ve made love maybe twice in the last 20 years.

the rest is just this me dominating sex.

Agree.

Interesting you've said that because OP has revealed a bit more regarding make-up.

I think you are desperately unhappy.
I don't actually feel it matters whether your husband is gay, bi, coersive or anything else really..
What really matters is that you are unhappy and exhausted living in this situation. And that needs to change.
The kids will survive whatever happens... because they will have a Mum who is free from all the shit you have described. Maybe not straight away... but one day.
Finances and houses and schools etc can all get sorted out... probably quicker than your therapy can help you.
Can you envisage a future where you are able to breathe easy, be yourself and not live this lie that is your current life?

Yes also apologies for previous comments just read the updates, mentioned what I did for the same reasons regarding the effects of divorce. Find your happy. What’s right tomorrow might be different in a month, or a year and so on.

@IsHeGay2023
My husband had a really low sex drive, {We married in our 20's} and I too wondered if he was gay.. he too was a bit 'Submissive'
He had an affair with a much older woman {Very bossy and dominant} and we divorced.
His third wife actually phoned me once on a pretext, and it turns out she too has the same issues I had with him...so they don't change!

I get absolutely why you feel lonely about this.
Intimacy for women is often more important than it is for men.

Beware falling hard for someone else..I did, and it was a heartbreaker.
These days I am happily celibate..and what a relief it is.

But you deserve to have someone compatible with you if that's what you want.

Definitely pace yourself with therapy, each session needs time to settle, to do its mysterious work. Intense therapy can't be rushed. Tell your therapist about the exhaustion though, they may have suggestions for how to integrate the sessions, or they might try and make each session a bit more manageable.

Your therapist is working entirely unethically if they passed comment on your partners sexuality.

This is where my therapist is at . She has said the focus is me.

Not she said it’s possible she’s not confirming it - the focus has to be me. She is amazing I’ve never come this far with anyone before

It's difficult.. that deep loneliness in a relationship..Never have I felt more alone than in a bed faced with my husband's back.

In my Twenties, when husband was in another room at my parent's house one Christmas, I cried, as felt so utterly lonely and 'Unloved'..
On our honeymoon we slept in separate beds...Me on sofa, and him upstairs.

It was farcically bad, looking back.

Two people so absolutely unsuited sexually.

At a certain age, women either get a lover...or a nice cat.

If you want to stay with him another option might be for him to get his kink satisfied elsewhere on a strict 'no actual sex' basis - there's loads of dommes who he could pay to spank, pee, stand on, peg, tie up, lock his dick in a cage, call him silly names, walk around with him on a lead, make him clean their bathroom.........he'll have no trouble finding one.

You could have an arrangement where he gets that elsewhere once a month and you have 'vanilla' sex more regularly. He keeps his kink to himself when you're at home.

Though, I personally, wouldn't like it, I'd leave (I had a bf who wanted all that, I just couldn't really do it tbh).

Im bi, married and we are both ok with that.
You need to ask are you ok with him being bi? Being gay? It sounds like you are not.

Lots of men have kinks, role play stuff often as a stress release and often as a result of upbringing particularly if controlled.
I dont think he is gay. I think he has a kink for a particular kind of sex which when you engage in it makes you doubt his authenticity.

You miss intimacy but you can also ask for that- thats your preference. So theres room for both.
If he works so hard and is in his 40's Im not altogether sure where you think his sex drive is, many of my male friends in the same boat have sex at christmas and on holiday. Id go for couples counselling if I were you and id encourage him to go to a sex therapist to explore where he is at. Im not sure if he was bi what the issue is? I definitely dont think he is gay either.

@pinheadlarry

Glad im not the only one seeing it because i feel gaslit and im not even OP..
If a man desires sex with another man hes at least bisexual

Absolutely

Any identification of men as likely to be gay or bi is raged against as kink shaming etc.

Or being called homophobic

Some responses are just ridiculous here, but I'm not going let any of them make me think I'm wrong in thinking a heterosexual man, has the desire for another man to ejaculate on him.

Or need dirty talk during sex about being dominated by another man.

@SandyY2K

Louder Sandy. Tell it.

Of course it's homophobic.

Some of us aren't straight and reading this and some comments are fucking sickening.

Is your therapist a counsellor or a psychotherapist? It seems wide off the mark to have that conversation with you and lead you to where you are now. Id try someone else - like a psychosexual therapist. She said 2 +2 might equal 5 and you went for it.
My friend had a similar experience and ended up as a lonely single wounded person hating her gay husband because of really poor counselling. If you do leave its entirely possible to really thrive after this, with the right therapist.

@LemonDrop22 Today 21:45

If anybody doesn’t think these points don't lean to him being gay or bisexual ... then I don't know what to say.

For some bizarre reason on here there are always dozens of posters denying that gay or bi behaviour in men is not gay or bi, and has nothing to do with their heterosexuality. They insist on gas lighting and dismissing distressed women with gay or bi partners. Why, I'm not quite sure.

Same here...I'm perplexed by it tbh.
Then the nonsense follows, that you're homophobic to highlight, that it's not male heterosexual behaviour.

I'd love this to be posted elsewhere and get responses from men as well....now there's a thought 🤔

Sometimes MN responses are crazy.

Yup, sandy needs to put her drink down.

Have you never tried counselling? Or asked him to see a doctor about his low sex drive? Could he have slightly low testosterone? Does he know how unhappy you are about your sex life, or would the depth of your unhappiness and loneliness be a bit of a shock to him?

Im a bi man. Ask me what you are curious about? Do you think bi, hetro and gay have neat borders? Think straight men dont watch gay porn or like other men ejaculating on them?? Dont go on to Redditt!

This is a support thread for OP, its best to start another thread for the curious.

(Ps I mean couples counselling, rather than personal therapy)

Have you spoken to him about it? Does he think you are enjoying being submissive etc as much as him?

Him being submissive even! Sorry long day...!

Oh of course. We'll just leave the ignorant to tell everyone that X or Y means someone is gay even though they have specifically said they aren't.

Fucks sake.