Is my H gay? I feel so angry?

[IsHeGay2023]

Just to explain I’ve namechanged for this. I am currently in therapy and I think my therapist agrees there could be an element of bisexuality but it all literally flooded out of me in the last ten minutes of the session.

This is very hard to write:

1. I feel very lonely and unloved in my relationship - we’ve been together over 20 years and have two children aged 11 and 7
2. He has a stressful job but is out of the house at 8 and back 630 most days. He also wfh for 3 days a week.
3. we spend every weekend together as a family.
4. he only goes out maybe once a month or so with his old school friends and as we (the wives) are all friends too I know they’re out together
5. He likes me to dominate him in bed
6. he very rarely instigates sex - it’s always me
7. about once a month max can go two months. If I probably instigated it more often it could happen but I want someone to want me rather than me doing the chasing
8. when we have sex he likes me taking full control ordering him about
9. he has asked me in the past to use a dildo/strap on I tried it and didn’t like it
10. I am aware in our early 20s he’s enjoyed she-male porn
11. if we have sex it’s all about his submission to me.
12. we’ve made love maybe twice in the last 20 years.

the rest is just this me dominating sex.

I don’t think you should focus right now on why your husband behaves as he does or what his sexuality is. In the long term it might be helpful to you psychologically to reflect on that but if you focus on it now you might start thinking that it’s relevant to your next steps and it isn’t. He is as he is, and you and he are not sexually compatible. That will not change, I think anyone reading this would feel sure. He also doesn’t support you emotionally or make you feel loved. You are incredibly unhappy because you are in a relationship with him. I know it will be hard but I think you have to find a way to separate. You don’t need to explain or justify it. Think of the mother you could be in years to come if you battle to get your soul back instead of letting it be destroyed. Even as adults your kids will need that role model.

For right now maybe just let yourself come to terms with this, the knowledge that you will leave, rather than take immediate action. I think quite soon you will feel ready to take action. You can do this. You will feel a lot less lonely as a single mother, I think. Right now I think you feel unloved by your husband but also by yourself, because you’ve been sending yourself a clear message that your wishes aren’t worth fighting for. After you leave you will get yourself back and feel less alone for that.

Nope I don’t think he is gay… I’m into most of what you have listed on your post and I am not gay.

I think I enjoy being dominated because I’m in a senior job, making decisions each day and so on with a lot of stress. It feels great to not be in charge and that’s what turns me on about it.

Heterosexual men are sexually attracted to women, they are not attracted to men.

You can say that sexuality is a spectrum and some people might be uncertain or curious about their sexuality at least once in their life
But once they engage in sexual acts with the same sex and enjoy it
they can not claim to be heterosexual because they no longer fit the description
They would be bisexual, gay or sexually fluid.

Eugh, what a turn off.
No more of that shit sex @IsHeGay2023
Just say no to that from now on and then start to think about what you do want.

Are you attracted to men or women
When you want to be dominated, do you want a man or a woman to do it?

Attracted to women and have only ever been with a woman. I have no intention of changing that. It’s just a kink and a fetish which doesn’t determine my sexuality.

I have read all the thread and I have come to this ;
You are not happy
You are not sexually compatible
You can say no to all the gaslighting and making you feel you should do things that don't align to your self .
Just say no.

But the OPs husband is not attracted to men. A dildo is not a man just to be clear.

Do you really think these posters are AFAB?

WTF does that mean???

Male-to-female trans porn is popular with heterosexual men, whilst female-to-male trans porn is more popular with homosexual men.

I would've said that him wanting to be pegged by a woman would be to enact what he's seen in the trans porn, but because he says he wants to imagine being dominated by a man, well that sounds pretty gay to me.

Perhaps the trans porn was a stepping stone to gay porn?

Another ignorant comment 😡😡😡

Sexual attraction is about who you are sexually attracted to, not who you have sex with, or even what sex you have. Unless the OP's husband actually fancies men, he is not gay, regardless of how "gay" you think certain sex acts are.

OP, I don’t know why your therapist wouldn’t know this, but having sex with a woman while enjoying g spot stimulation and submissive fantasies does not mean the person is gay. Fantasies about being bossed around by men while having sex with a woman are about submission — because men have most power — not about being gay.

You have two issues here. One is quite simple — you don’t have the same sexual fantasies. The second is more complicated — he is controlling you, with the lack of sex, with only offering sex where you pleasure him (lazy!), using being “stressed” as an excuse (it’s not), winding you up by not telling you what’s going on. He’s driven you into therapy. Save yourself the money and LTB.

This thread is fucking vile

It's more than this.

He fantasises about being "taken by men". It's funny how those that are denying he's gay are literally omitting this point that she said each time.

Strange.

He fantasises about being "taken by men". Don't think you can do that without being attracted to men, whatever way you try to spin it tbh.

Yes of course. It's about domination. Men are more dominant. It doesn't mean he fancies men, just that he wants to be dominated. Same how some women fantasise about being taken by a masked man who breaks into their house. It doesn't mean they want to be raped in real life.

Ummmm thats what fantasy is about. Quiet enough life for you I guess. Off I go to think about footballers and their big schlongs while I make a cup of tea etc..

If youre adamant to stay in this marriage because of commitments and finances
You should start taking advantage of this situation

Your husband enjoys being dominated and humiliated
Put a dog collar on him and make him clean the bathroom, spank him when he doesnt clean well enough

Put some heels

on and step on his hands and back call him a useless dog

Choke him and make him clean the whole house naked
whilst you drink a glass of wine and berate him for not being able to satisfy you sexually

Sleep with another man and tell your husband how much you enjoyed it

This is what your husband wants
Your never going to have normal sex with him if you stay

@Onceuponawhileago

Quiet life because I don't fantasise about being with the same sex as me?
Because I don't feel that a man that fantasises about being with other men is straight?

Interesting.

Yes, off you go.

Not picking up gay vibes OP. I think you need to have a chat with him xx

Of course you do.