Is my H gay? I feel so angry?

[IsHeGay2023]

Just to explain I’ve namechanged for this. I am currently in therapy and I think my therapist agrees there could be an element of bisexuality but it all literally flooded out of me in the last ten minutes of the session.

This is very hard to write:

1. I feel very lonely and unloved in my relationship - we’ve been together over 20 years and have two children aged 11 and 7
2. He has a stressful job but is out of the house at 8 and back 630 most days. He also wfh for 3 days a week.
3. we spend every weekend together as a family.
4. he only goes out maybe once a month or so with his old school friends and as we (the wives) are all friends too I know they’re out together
5. He likes me to dominate him in bed
6. he very rarely instigates sex - it’s always me
7. about once a month max can go two months. If I probably instigated it more often it could happen but I want someone to want me rather than me doing the chasing
8. when we have sex he likes me taking full control ordering him about
9. he has asked me in the past to use a dildo/strap on I tried it and didn’t like it
10. I am aware in our early 20s he’s enjoyed she-male porn
11. if we have sex it’s all about his submission to me.
12. we’ve made love maybe twice in the last 20 years.

the rest is just this me dominating sex.

I don't think you can compare a 15 year marriage to a 2-3 year relationship. You're still in the honeymoon phase. And presumably you don't share children which is a massive cause of relationship struggles.

It's very easy to sit back and say "I'm currently in the best relationship I've ever been in" but I'm sure you didn't feel the same about your ex husband at the end of the relationship as you did when you were 20, two years into it. In 13 years time you may feel slightly less enthused by your current partner.

Having said all of that, I'm glad you're happy and I hope your ex has found peace. And 100% the OP should leave her husband. He sounds selfish.

I mean, narcissists put on a great front and are all about image and how they are "perceived" to be.

It's is not uncommon that this guy "comes across" or fronts like he is a "decent person" and a "great dad".
I'm sure at least presentation wise and others perceive him this way.

Just because he appears to be these "great things" to others, and even to OP, does not mean he isn't a covert narcissist.

Narcissism in a partner or family member is hard to describe to those not involved and even victims of it have a hard time "explaining" how their partner/family member is a narcissist. It's not a clear-cut answer.

I'm not convinced but it's an interesting point.

Does he fantasise about men because to him that is the ultimate degradation.

Even if so, his desire for degradation and how crucial it is to his sexuality makes him a suitable partner for only a very small, limited, fetish section of the female population.

Thank you. Bizarrely I feel very sad and feel like I’m betraying him coming online - even talking about it with my therapist seems wrong.

You’ve spent 20 years having a shit sex life. Whether or not he’s gay, I don’t think many women would enjoy that kind of sex. Leave him and you’ll find that most men prefer sex that is a lot more exciting and pleasurable to women than that!

Light hearted comment :

If your husband is attractive OP I will be more than happy to volunteer myself to test this theory out . 😂

I don’t think him being gay is the real question - and no, I don’t think he is.
(Plenty of straight men enjoy prostate stimulation. And with him it all sounds a lot more like part of his being dominated kink)

But it is clear that sexually you aren’t entirely compatible. He wants to be dominated and degraded. And you have been doing that for a long time. But you want variety too.

In your own way, you also described wanting to be with a stronger, more dominating sort of partner.
He clearly can’t give you that.

Currently you are exploring your pent up feelings about your life together. And bottled up resentment is coming up. It’s unclear where it would lead you as a couple. You H would most likely be surprised - as from his pov - you have been having sec this way for a long time. He probably has no idea how strongly you feel.

Bur your can’t ignore your needs any longer either. So - then it’s either divorce or you get another man to have the kind of sex you want to have. And given your H is into submission and humiliation - you can actually have lots of ways you can play it. From having H in the room, all the way to having a parallel sexual relationship with someone, while H stays home.
Finding a guy who would want to join you two is not that hard. (Much easier than finding a woman in the opposite scenario)

@IsHeGay2023

Thank you. Bizarrely I feel very sad and feel like I’m betraying him coming online - even talking about it with my therapist seems wrong.

Bless you, but this is all part of the conditioning of abuse. Keep it inside, don't tell anyone, brush it under the carpet.
Keep talking to your therapist about it, and it is good you've reached out here, especially as you've said you are isolated.

Thank you. It’s through a lot of therapy and me identifying behaviours where I’m pieced it together - it’s like he is a quiet narcissist - it’s like he lacks self esteem but has the tendencies of a narcissist.

@josuk this just sounds so overwhelming and exhausting. I’m not sure I could enter into that arrangement.

I truly don't understand why people are telling you to explore open relationships, and sexual relationships with other men, when that's clearly not where you are right now, nor should that even be a thing to consider right now.

Like you said you weren't in that space and people are still suggesting it.

Like what the actual hell. Do people not know how to read the room or what?

I’m very isolated. I work from home (in a high pressured job too).

At home though in every day life he likes to dominate so it’s a confusing battle of wills really.

I feel so so so isolated and lonely. It actually aches inside me. I can feel this physical knot in my chest - or something stuck and it’s like I want to burst with anger. It’s like I want to sob and sob uncontrollably .

Thank you @Quirkyme i know I am too vulnerable. I could end up in a very bad place if I did that thank you.

I understand - however it's silence and secrecy that has kept you trapped all these years. It's wonderful that you're starting to talk about it, in therapy and online, and starting to reach past the isolation. It's a difficult thing to do and very brave of you x

@josuk

^I don’t think him being gay is the real question - and no, I don’t think he is.
(Plenty of straight men enjoy prostate stimulation. And with him it all sounds a lot more like part of his being dominated kink)^

Exactly. Many men like anal stimulation whether from a finger or something bigger - it doesn’t determine anything about their sexuality.

@Stravaig Ive worked a lot on myself for the last year and now I think I am in a place to tackle this. I was tempted to book in for two sessions next week but the ‘fall-out’ is exhausting. I struggle to function after therapy and as it’s during the day I have the rest of the day to cope with so it’s hard.

I also don't think he's particularly gay, OP.

I do think that he has a big kink around power, domination, and shame. For him, one the things that would show his utter submission would be to do something he didn't necessarily want to do, i.e. fantasizing about a man dominating him, ideally with you being part of the scenario in some way (watching, approving, even engaging). It doesn't sound like he loves men, that he finds them attractive, or even that he wants to have sex with them. It sounds like being forced to do something he doesn't want - to feel that powerless - plays into his kink.

That said, however, it's irrelevant. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. If it's important for you to have a full, rewarding sex life with your husband, as it is for so many of us, the current model can't stand. If you can live with a sexless marriage, or a marriage where you each seek satisfaction outside the marriage, then it might work; if you think therapy might help, that might work. But you also don't have to do anything you don't want to do. If you don't want to try to match his kinks, then don't. If having a marriage without loving sex isn't possible, then don't be in one.

I know it's far easier said than done. But you also do get to prioritize yourself. You matter.

It’s really great you can recognise that in yourself though, which is a good step forwards. You have 20 years of stuff to unpack so fair play to you, stick with the therapy. The idea of inviting somebody else into the bedroom might work if you both felt comfortable. There are lots of options for you and no need to rush into anything. If you do decide to leave, seek legal advice first and get your ducks in a row before mentioning divorce.

@IsHeGay2023
Go your separate ways.. If you aren't compatible sexually, it's a painful thing for both of you.
Personally, I'd not want to use a strap on, mainly as I'd find it comical and absurd, and it would kill the moment.

It’s not just about sex is it. Communication. Maybe he has a low sex drive. Maybe there is more than that. I would suggest couples counselling and work through it together. Maybe he doesn’t realise he is gay. Maybe deep down you are aware and he isn’t.

Yes love you need to let it out.

I think in your position I would try to take your focus off him altogether and put it on yourself. Imagine you were already single. Imagine he was dead. What now? What do you want to do with your life? How do you want to spend your day? Who are the people you want around you and how are you going to find them?

And then do that. Just do it. Find yourself. Paint, dance, sing, do whatever it is your soul is calling you to do. Let it out. And then when you become the kind of person who does that, maybe your relationship will be compatible with it, maybe it won't. Maybe he will adjust and be able to handle it and maybe he won't. But you will be able to handle it either way because you are doing what you need to do to grow.

The therapy is good and you are on the right path, just keep going. And do it for you. Healing yourself is the best possible gift and example you can give your children.

@IsHeGay2023

The only reason I suggested having your sexual needs met elsewhere is because this is the only way for you to stay married, at least for a bit longer; and not change your and your kids lifestyle.
You mentioned in one of your posts that financially divorce would be devastating.

If you are wiling to consider divorce - then of course that is the more traditional way of solving this situation.

It does seem a little sudden that after such a long time with status quo you are reacting this strongly. But I guess you have reached a limit of your needs getting ignored.
You are also reaching a midlife point where people question their relationships and reconsider their future.

Sorry it’s such a difficult choice.

Finally to add to the list which I forgot omg I’m just going to put it all out there cos then it’s done. He used to like being tied up and me putting make up on him. But now I know it all falls into the humiliation kink.

I’ve even walked round with him pretending to be a dog.

I honestly feel humiliated - I feel such a fool. Im working through all this with my therapist from next session.

I’ve put it all on here now too. I hope it might help someone else.

@IsHeGay2023 Your partner has a lot of traits like my ex, who turned out to be a secret cross dresser.
The unfulfilling sex acts were like a real life porno, that he could store in his mind and replay while he was masturbating.

It’s after a few months (prior to that) years of therapy where I’m finally strong to an extent in myself where I’ve ‘dealt’ with other past traumas. I’m working through being myself - not just for others.

it’s a strong reactions as it’s all just come to a head in my session today but it all happened in the last ten mins or so and now I just want to work on it and deal with it.