Is my H gay? I feel so angry?

[IsHeGay2023]

Just to explain I’ve namechanged for this. I am currently in therapy and I think my therapist agrees there could be an element of bisexuality but it all literally flooded out of me in the last ten minutes of the session.

This is very hard to write:

1. I feel very lonely and unloved in my relationship - we’ve been together over 20 years and have two children aged 11 and 7
2. He has a stressful job but is out of the house at 8 and back 630 most days. He also wfh for 3 days a week.
3. we spend every weekend together as a family.
4. he only goes out maybe once a month or so with his old school friends and as we (the wives) are all friends too I know they’re out together
5. He likes me to dominate him in bed
6. he very rarely instigates sex - it’s always me
7. about once a month max can go two months. If I probably instigated it more often it could happen but I want someone to want me rather than me doing the chasing
8. when we have sex he likes me taking full control ordering him about
9. he has asked me in the past to use a dildo/strap on I tried it and didn’t like it
10. I am aware in our early 20s he’s enjoyed she-male porn
11. if we have sex it’s all about his submission to me.
12. we’ve made love maybe twice in the last 20 years.

the rest is just this me dominating sex.

Fantasy is fantasy, reality is reality.

If he were caught having an affair with a man I would agree he is gay or at least bi - but the OP does not think this is the case and has not said there has been any hint of that.

With the ease with which many men have multiple affairs, I think if he were gay, he'd have been shagging a bloke or two by now.

He has not, which does rather strongly suggest his fantasies are just that, fantasies!

Not many hetero men fantasise about being fucked by men.

As I said hetero people's fantasies tend to revolve around the opposite sex.

Hetero people's porn tends to default to porn with hetero sex.

And vice versa.

Agree and @LemonDrop22

And no offence, but I feel OP knows deep down he is and has reasons for her suspicions, clearly.

OP also seems slightly naive, and not very strong with setting boundaries and stating what she wants and want she's not okay with.

Just because OP has said her husband has said he is not gay, does not mean he is not gay.
He is clearly in denial, and also very selfish and has no genuine care about his wife's sexual wants and needs.

Agree with @LemonDrop22 not "and"

The covert narcissism would be another concern and perhaps one best discussed in individual therapy.
Crikey this sounds awful, you have many options and believe me things can get better for you. I left a narc with a low sex drive and Ed (not for that reason - and sometimes we could be very compatible). Gone nearly 2 years without sex despite having a high sex drive and honestly it is so much better than feeling undesirable and having my self esteem torn to shreds.

You deserve to be happy and have your sexual needs met, likewise so does your husband who is clearly gay. If you think your marriage is otherwise saveable and worth staying to not disrupt the kids schooling, have you considered having a chat about an open marriage? So you are both free to see other people? There could always be rules in place e.g. just sex no other relationships or feelings for people. Could complicate things, or make things much better. Worth a discussion perhaps. Also depends how honest he wants to be with himself too.

If you're exhausted, what is the most caring thing you can do to support yourself, OP?

It sounds you like you want to assign blame to DH, to make him the problem.

The problem is you chose to marry someone who you've always been sexually incompatible with. You then chose to go along with his kinks for 20 years, no matter how uncomfortable they made you, in an attempt to get some minimal sexual satisfaction for yourself.

Coming to terms with that, and grieving the lost years, is a huge undertaking. Please be gentle with yourself.

Thanks at @Quirkyme @LemonDrop22 for all your input.

for PP that have mentioned neuro diversity I think there could be ASD. He comes from a highly intelligent high achieving family.

Yes all this. Sorry just 100% this - also other factors mean we live near his family I have no local support I feel very vey alone. My life isn’t for me it’s for him and the kids.

Op, whether he's gay, bi, or straight with rather "unusual" inclinations and fantasies (I think one of the former is most likely) ..... The bottom line (no pun intended) is that the sex life he wants is rather extreme, very unusual indeed for a heteyo couple and not enjoyable to you (little fucking wonder).

The "you're just not compatible, nothing wrong with either of you" contingent will be along quickly, in fact they're already in attendance ..... But the fact is, only a tiny minority of women would find this remotely good or even acceptable as their sex life. He's only going to get another partner who died this and wants to by participating in fetish groups. And getting someone who does so and who ticks all the other relationship boxes will be a challenge.

(Personally I would tell him to stop arising around pretending he's straight and just get fucked by a man as a bottom like he so clearly wants to, and then I'd go off and try to have a nice sex life with a man who's more in the normal range).

Yeah honestly it just sounds like he wants the degradation. He doesn't WANT sex with men, that's why he wants you to make him, he wants you to make him do something he doesn't like. It's a not-uncommon kink in men. I think it comes from how they're taught to be arrogant and domineering and they like being the opposite, gives them a thrill maybe.

I don't think he'd choose to make love to a man if you weren't in the picture from what you've said.

Yeah I don’t think sexuality is like that at all. I think many people are varying degrees of bi. There’s narrowly hetero, bi-curious, bi-sexual, gay and many shades in between.

So much of men’s sporting and military culture is homoerotic. They invent complicated games to touch and grapple with each other.

He's not having sex with men because he's married! That would be cheating and perhaps he doesn't want to cheat.

The fact he's trying to turn every sexual encounter into a faux gay sex scene is a huge clue.

I'm genuinely flabbergasted how many people can read this and still think he's straight.

@IsHeGay2023 lots of people have offered you lots of feedback and opinion and support but I just want to comment on this specific paragraph

I married when I was twenty, had been with my ex since 18. He was good man, dad and husband .

We had a happy marriage for fifteen years

About three years ago, maybe more something changed with me. I loved him but more like a brother and I couldn’t make myself feel any different.

I never thought I would leave ! Ever! I was committed to my marriage forever and I had all the same concerns as you.

Somehow earlier this year a seemingly small argument led me to blurt out that I wanted to leave and once I had said it I couldn’t take it back. Somehow I stayed true to myself and left

It’s been so hard, I’ve hurt people and financially it’s been tough. But doing what was right for me was absolutely the right thing. Now even on my hardest days when I’m skint and can’t buy the things I used to or go where I want, I’m still happier inside.

Everything was as hard as I imagined it would be but it was so much more worth it than I thought it would be

I met someone new and we just match better. We’re completely in love and he shows me love in the way I need. I didn’t even know it was possible to feel like this because all of my adult life I’d been with someone who was nice, but not the right man for me. Me and my current partner are more compatible in every way and I feel so so lucky

Things always work themselves out. Children are more resilient than you think and they def will benefit more from living in a house filled with genuine love and happiness. Money definitely isn’t worth your happiness.

You cannot stay married for the reasons you
outlined in the paragraph. Your soul must come first.

If your not sure then stay. If you think you can work through it try. But if you know in your heart you deserve better and want more leave

Xx

After dating a very macho ex soldier I was definitely surprised ro find myself wondering about the homoerotic nature of boys together, i just got a vibe. So glad you wrote that!

Thank you @Saribon i made a commitment to myself to work on making things better. I 100% will take all this on board. I know there is a way forward.

I can’t change him and why should he change for me? I just want like you to be loved and not to feel so so very empty.

The bottom line is you’re neither happy with your sex life nor do you feel loved and supported. In addition you’re not near your family.

However you want to define his sexual orientation, his sexual tastes don’t work for you either way.

So, clearly a very honest discussion needs to take place that this relationship is not working for you on any level. He may be happier with someone who shares his sexual interests anyway.

Your own unacknowledged history of trauma (heartbreaking to hear you try to shrug it off as 'just once') has led you to completely neglect and deny your own needs in a bid to please him at any cost. Given that history, it was also probably very cathartic for you to roleplay dominance for a time. It is actually a sign that your psyche is healing itself and maturing that you are now ready to move beyond the role-playing and make love as your authentic self. For that reason though it will be traumatic for you to continue sublimating your own desires to his and something in this situation is going to have to give

@IsHeGay2023 the sex is pretty amazing too ! Life’s too short to be having shit sex

I think I am too emotionally vulnerable to have an open marriage. I am very very weak at the moment. I think I could be very easily taken advantage of. I’m not feeling strong . I feel so unloved I think I could fall fast and hard for someone.

The sex issue is obviously important but your comment that he is a covert narcissist kind of jumped out at me as well. Why do you say that? Other than this sex issue you seem to describe him as a great dad and decent person - where does covert narcissism fit in with this? Are their other issues with his behaviour as well as pressuring you into sex that isn’t your thing to satisfy his urges only (which is really very bad)?

SPOT ON.

I noticed the "only once" too. It was tough to read.

Thank you @Smineusername it has taken me a lot of therapy to reach this point. I don’t want to psycho analyse him, he can’t change and why should he?

I’m very frightened of doing anything to hurt the kids.

Do you have friends or family who can support you by phone/video call?
You don't have to tell them all the sexual details, just that you're unhappy, and lonely, and working through a lot in therapy, and would appreciate being in touch with them.

Try and focus on yourself, on being gentle and loving to yourself.

(I sort of want to tell you get off Mumsnet and into a hot bubble-bath, or to snuggle down in front of the telly with a glass of wine, or to go out and look at the stars, or something :)

He often just doesn’t respond to me. He doesn’t react to my anger or upset. He just doesn’t react. If he’s reading he’ll carry on reading. It’s like he can’t understand emotion. It’s like he’s a robot.
then if I push and push he’ll flip’ he’ll shout. He’ll slam a door.
it’s just all so fucking unhealthy.