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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is my H gay? I feel so angry?

415 replies

IsHeGay2023 · 01/11/2022 20:05

Just to explain I’ve namechanged for this. I am currently in therapy and I think my therapist agrees there could be an element of bisexuality but it all literally flooded out of me in the last ten minutes of the session.

This is very hard to write:

  1. I feel very lonely and unloved in my relationship - we’ve been together over 20 years and have two children aged 11 and 7
  2. He has a stressful job but is out of the house at 8 and back 630 most days. He also wfh for 3 days a week.
  3. we spend every weekend together as a family.
  4. he only goes out maybe once a month or so with his old school friends and as we (the wives) are all friends too I know they’re out together
  5. He likes me to dominate him in bed
  6. he very rarely instigates sex - it’s always me
  7. about once a month max can go two months. If I probably instigated it more often it could happen but I want someone to want me rather than me doing the chasing
  8. when we have sex he likes me taking full control ordering him about
  9. he has asked me in the past to use a dildo/strap on I tried it and didn’t like it
  10. I am aware in our early 20s he’s enjoyed she-male porn
  11. if we have sex it’s all about his submission to me.
  12. we’ve made love maybe twice in the last 20 years.

the rest is just this me dominating sex.

OP posts:
Quirkyme · 02/11/2022 00:32

@Aquamarine1029

😅 ikr.

AWayOut · 02/11/2022 00:32

As a gay man
i neither enjoy being degraded/dominated or anal penetration
Nor have a lot of the people I have had sexual encounters with.

Some women enjoy Anal
Some enjoy domination
some enjoy submission

You are sexually incompatible and clearly looking for different things from your sex life.

But assuming sexuality isn’t the answer. Talking to him about his needs, and yours is the only way to resolve your differences.

it sounds more like he has a fetish than anything.
You being with another man, and that man ‘finishing on him’ isn’t about him being attracted to men, it’s about him being dominated and degraded.

feistymumma · 02/11/2022 00:52

No he isn't gay OP he just likes being dominated. He probably would love to have a Mistress (Domme) bossing him about. That is just his fetish. Subs love to be humiliated so the pegging could be just that. He probably enjoys being called names and told how pathetic he is as well if he is truly sub.

Nat6999 · 02/11/2022 04:02

I think he is gay. Your choices are carry on as you are & carry on being miserable & feeling unloved, agree to you both having open relationships but stay together in public (this carries the risk of one or both of you falling in love with someone else & one or both of you being hurt) Or separate amicably, co parent & both of you have a chance of being happy.

Nat6999 · 02/11/2022 04:15

You could have what is on paper the best loving relationship in the world but if in reality you feel unloved both emotionally & sexually then you are better off calling time on your relationship.

Anon1996 · 02/11/2022 05:17

I don't know if he's gay or not but his kinks show an element of possibly pansexuality or he could be bisexual.

The bottom line in you sound very unhappy with your sex life, and unsatisfied. Having sex twice in the last twenty years would be enough for me. I understand its not always easy to leave though. People are always so quick to say leave but it's not as simple as that financially especially now we are in a cost of living crisis.

I don't know if this helps but I have the same issue with my partner, I always instigate sex and if I don't it doesn't happen. I've brought it up so many times and it never changes.

The whole thing makes me feel v unattractive and I've often thought about having an affair. I've not acted on it. I'm so sexually frustrated I often have sex dreams.

I know the effect it has to always feel like the chaser and it can lead to feeling depressed and having low self esteem. Work on yourself, getting yourself to a place where you feel confident and really consider what you want in life. talk about having an open relationship as your needs aren't met.

Be firm and say while you've explored his fantasies and kinks isn't it time your needs are met too?

If you've already had these conversations how does it go?

Two decades of not having your needs met is such a long time and you deserve to be desired.

If he is bisexual would you stay? You need an honest answer from him or it will drive you mad. If he is bi he can still be in a loving relationship with you but its just a case of whether you would accept that or not?

Best of luck and I really empathise with how you feel xxx

Lemonsonparade · 02/11/2022 05:59

I just wanted to say I'm thinking of you. Keep talking and don't be alone.

AMorningstar · 02/11/2022 07:02

Frankensteinisamonster · 01/11/2022 20:51

I am agog people are outing this poor bastard based on this, it’s like we are back in the 50s and people don’t understand homosexuality. Homosexually is being attracted to men, not for a woman to strap a dildo on and basically dominate and humiliate you.

ignore people outing him, the only thing they know, and I know is he has a kink, a fetish and you don’t share it.

but I feel you’re being unfair to him. You knew this, you knew it right from the start and you accepted it. Twenty years later and you’re on line asking if he’s Gay, when you know he’s not, he’s just got fetishs and kinks which you were previously happy to oblige.

I got the same vibe from this too. Bizarre that people think a woman pegging a man is in any way "gay", its a bit puritanical to be honest. It's a fetish not an orientation.

Walkaround · 02/11/2022 07:06

There is nothing in his fantasies to prove he is gay, only to suggest he feels turned on by the idea of being dominated and humiliated. Fantasies involving both women and men dominating and humiliating him are about being dominated and humiliated, not about real men and women.

IVbumble · 02/11/2022 07:32

Remember OP you don't need to do or change anything yet. It's ok to focus on your counselling & finding any other sources of support whilst you travel on this difficult journey of learning & beginning to love you.

You deserve to be loved.

It's ok to feel sad, angry, everything in between or nothing at all. Where you are now is not where you might be in 6 or 12 months.

It might be helpful to have a look at the book 'If it hurts it isn't love'.

Despite these feelings of exhaustion [which are normal given the circumstances] & shining the light on the past you are doing it. One bit at a time. Take it slow.

Give yourself the space you need. Over time everything will become more clear & eventually you will know what to do next.

PearlclutchersInc · 02/11/2022 07:37

Sounds more like a BDSM kink, not remotely gay. Or not intrinsically anyway. By the sounds of it is just one of the strands of your problem.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 02/11/2022 07:43

Dear OP
. ‘A trouble shared is a trouble halved’.

I think you are going to be alright now. It doesn’t really matter what any of the people who have responded think, their arguments about the terminology of your husband’s desires, their opinion of how you should react. What matters is that you have ripped off the bandage, and the poison in the wound is pouring out.

You will find a way through, and you will heal now. I wish you all the best.

Original poster
IsHeGay2023 · 02/11/2022 07:56

Hello, thank you to everyone for taking the time to respond. I really appreciate all the comments and the support. I didn’t think people would support me this way. I’m sorry if to some people this thread is disgusting this is my life, I agree I will start to heal and changes will be made.

He noticed I wasn’t right yesterday and I said I’d had a tough therapy session. That things about ‘us’ came out, he asked if it was planned I said No which is the truth. He said if I want to talk about it we can. I said just not right now, that was it really. I’m don’t want to hurt anyone and need to take my time.

OP posts:
Walkaround · 02/11/2022 08:18

Thanks for the update, OP. It does sound like you have internalised a lot of your loneliness, sadness and frustration for the last 20 years. The result is, I don’t think either of you knows how the other one feels or thinks, because almost all of it remains unspoken, or bursts out inappropriately with accusations of homosexuality, which is not a great opener for a sensitive discussion about each other’s feelings, hopes and insecurities. I hope your therapy helps you to open up to your dh and that he then feels able to talk honestly to you. At the moment, you must feel somewhat unloved by each other, because that’s what hiding your real emotions feels like to the other person, and you are both guilty of that.

Numnumbirdy · 02/11/2022 08:52

He’s most likely bi with a preference for men or femboi types. Sounds very familiar to my situation - he eventually came out to pursue relationships with men. Although is still attracted to women (women with strap ons) and being dominated. He’s biding his time till he can leave.

Raddix · 02/11/2022 08:58

I don’t think he sounds gay. Men can enjoy domination and anal penetration without being gay. The definition of gay is if they want to have sex with a man. Any sort of sex with a woman, even if the man is submissive, is not gay sex.

Having said that, I can totally understand why you’re turned off. Most women don’t like submissive men. A lot of submissive men will pretend to be dominant in order to get a partner then they reveal their submissive tendencies later on when they think she’s locked in. Because they know if they’re up front about being submissive 99% of women will say no thanks.

Original poster
IsHeGay2023 · 02/11/2022 09:00

Walkaround · 02/11/2022 08:18

Thanks for the update, OP. It does sound like you have internalised a lot of your loneliness, sadness and frustration for the last 20 years. The result is, I don’t think either of you knows how the other one feels or thinks, because almost all of it remains unspoken, or bursts out inappropriately with accusations of homosexuality, which is not a great opener for a sensitive discussion about each other’s feelings, hopes and insecurities. I hope your therapy helps you to open up to your dh and that he then feels able to talk honestly to you. At the moment, you must feel somewhat unloved by each other, because that’s what hiding your real emotions feels like to the other person, and you are both guilty of that.

Yes and he isn’t a bad person. He really isn’t. Which makes it all the harder. He’s just very busy at work. I kind of keep everything together (manage the house, kids, our lives basically). I think as I’ve always been so competent and just got on with it (martyr) all this emotion from me, me no longer holding it together is just a bit of a shock.

I don’t think the domination element will change. For example even when he’s rarely instigated it he’ll say something like ‘shall I come? Or what next?’ It’s like he needs my permission to do anything or told. But he is really the total opposite in our daily lives and often quite passive aggressive.

I’m exhausted this morning - slept in fits and spurts. He slept badly as he knows I’m not right and he knows it’s about us. We need to find time to talk but we’re never without the kids.

I shouldn’t feel so lonely should i?

I have a heavy headache and day of work ahead of me. I better get on but thanks again.

OP posts:
Original poster
IsHeGay2023 · 02/11/2022 09:02

Raddix · 02/11/2022 08:58

I don’t think he sounds gay. Men can enjoy domination and anal penetration without being gay. The definition of gay is if they want to have sex with a man. Any sort of sex with a woman, even if the man is submissive, is not gay sex.

Having said that, I can totally understand why you’re turned off. Most women don’t like submissive men. A lot of submissive men will pretend to be dominant in order to get a partner then they reveal their submissive tendencies later on when they think she’s locked in. Because they know if they’re up front about being submissive 99% of women will say no thanks.

I believe in our very limited sex lives before we got together he struggled with an erection with other girlfriends because I guess ‘vanilla’ didn’t do it for him.

OP posts:
JennyNotFromTheBlock · 02/11/2022 09:08

You need to send the DC off to friends/family for the day or night, and talk. Or, if you can't feel you need to talk, write down basically what you've said in the OP in a letter to him. He needs to know how lonely and unloved you feel.

JennyNotFromTheBlock · 02/11/2022 09:10

And tell him you want him to take the lead, dominate you (if you do), you want him to 'throw you down and make LOVE to you'.
And you don't want to engage in dominating him anymore.

LemonDrop22 · 02/11/2022 09:10

Quirkyme · 01/11/2022 23:52

He fantasises about being "taken by men". Don't think you can do that without being attracted to men, whatever way you try to spin it tbh.

Show quote history

Exactly.

LemonDrop22 · 02/11/2022 09:11

JennyNotFromTheBlock · 02/11/2022 09:10

And tell him you want him to take the lead, dominate you (if you do), you want him to 'throw you down and make LOVE to you'.
And you don't want to engage in dominating him anymore.

But that's not how he's wired.

LemonDrop22 · 02/11/2022 09:13

Even if he did once in a while op has tolerated years of this weird, off, shit sex and you'll only be setting her up to tolerate more.

He's not going to change his MO.
He's either gay, bi or has a quite extreme submission. & degradation fetish.

Most people are not going to enjoy taking part in that with him.

He needs to go on get life or fab guys and OP needs to find a man who's not gay, bi or with a fairly extreme fetish to have a nice sex life with.

LemonDrop22 · 02/11/2022 09:14

*fet life

LemonDrop22 · 02/11/2022 09:14

Just to add the gay, bi and fairly extreme submission/degradation fetish are not mutually exclusive, of course.