What does 'we met in a bar' actually mean?

[PotteringPondering]

People often share grim experiences of online dating. I hear people say, 'I'd rather do it the traditional way and meet in a bar'.

I realise have no idea what that actually means. Does it smuggle in other assumptions (eg you're in the bar with a group of friends, and the group gets chatting to another group of people)?

I'm a 50s m – no matter how good looking, witty or charming I am, if walked up to a complete stranger in a bar and started chatting, wouldn't that be seen as creepy and inappropriate?

I'm genuinely puzzled. Are there contexts where that wouldn't be seen as creepy? Are there people who wouldn't find that creepy?

I met my DP at a pub. We were at the same get together but had been invited by two different people and hadn't ever met (I was only around because of work and wasn't initially invited).

We met in the smoking area. Got chatting and stayed chatting most of the night.

The meeting in a bar thing only works if you're conventionally attractive and good at small talk. I'm neither, so OLD worked better for me.

Have you tried something like a dance class OP? I used to go to a group where there were plenty of people in their 40s/50/60s. It was considered the height of bad manners to refuse to dance with someone if they asked, but you switched partners regularly so if you got stuck with a weirdo it wasn't for long!. Lots of social events as well. I know a lot of couples that met each other there.

My friend ended up squashed between her future husband and a crash barrier at a white snake gig in Leeds and got pulled out by bouncers before she suffocated.
He came looking for her in first aid area and they are still together 40 odd years later. That's how to do it. 😂

I met my partner in a bar when I about 45. We just got chatting.

IMO a man (even an older unattractive one) doesn’t seem creepy unless he continues the interaction even though the other person is trying to end it, approaches much younger or better looking women or says creepy sexual/over familiar stuff.
Going up to commenting on how busy it is or how good the band are is just chatty. Much more difficult in sitty down places.

Met mine in a club. Sat down next to him because my feet were hurting and we just started talking.

I'm sympathetic to the OP's situation actually.

I am aware that loads of confident socially adept humans do manage meet each other spontaneously in bars, but those of us of a more nerdy persuasion tend to meet each other in clubs and at work where we've got structure to build conversation around. It's like the Argentine Tango - I sort of understand how it's done but there's no way on earth I'd ever be able to do it confidently myself.

I don't know whether 50-something is too young to meet someone on a cruise, but there are definitely loads of educational/ walking holiday companies which appeal to singles in that age group which are worth a try if you have the cash. If you don't meet the woman of your dreams at least you've learned a lot about the Norse sagas and seen the fjords. If I were single and child-free at age 55 I'd definitely be off on an escorted group holiday to Discover Vietnam or paint watercolours on a Greek island or whatever.

Hanging around the bar completely by yourself just gives off ‘desperate or alcoholic’ vibes, sadly!

Do you mean you wouldn’t do it because you are scared you’d come across like that, or that men doing that come across a bit odd to you?

If it’s the former, it's not true. Loads of men go to pubs on their own. They won't think you're desperate for doing the same thing.

Neither.

Men in their 50s hanging around a bar alone gives off (imo) desperate/alcoholic vibes.

Not a ‘bit odd’. A bit alcoholic!

Men and women who sit alone at a bar constantly trying to chat up other people come across as looking like alcoholics.

And yes, I agree, it’s the same for both sexes, when I posted I was thinking ‘men’ as this is a post by a man seeking to meet a woman but it does go both ways.

I don’t fear judgement from anyone should I chose to sit in a bar alone, but I also wouldn’t be surprised if the people I met via this sort of social interaction had alcohol dependency issues.

And I wouldn’t be insulted if they assumed that I had similar alcohol dependency issues, due to also being alone in a bar.

Whereas with friends, the assumption is that you are there to socialise firstly, and the alcohol is secondary.

Perhaps gigs are better for singles-out-alone than bars are? Then the assumption is that you are there for the music, and the alcohol is secondary.

(I used to go to nightclubs alone just to dance, which is deffo a bit odd by most people’s barometers, haven’t done so since covid but never say never)

Men and women who sit alone at a bar constantly trying to chat up other people come across as looking like alcoholics.

Well constantly trying to chat people up is sad. Spotting someone attractive and chatting to them is fine. Just say you got stood up by a friend.

i was the barmaid in the pub when i met my DP 14 years ago.

My parents met in a bar when they were in their 30s. My Dad was the manager and got chatting to my Mum when she was waiting for a friend who was late. They got moved in together 3 weeks later and they're about to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.

DH and I also met in a bar, but it was at an event, so we were there for a specific reason, which gives you more to talk about.

No, I knew at the time. He told me his name and I thought ‘I’d better remember this, he’s going to be in my life for a long time’

I wouldn’t have said the same afterwards when I found out he didn’t even live in the same country! It’s not something I remember feeling on meeting my exes either so who knows?

And start off with a lie?

Fair point @BlueBar

Start as you mean to go on!

Wasn't there a post on here once from someone who’d spent two months pretending to her new boyfriend that she was French and was trying to think of a way out?

So am I ☺️

I think you need to pick your venue. I’m late 40s and used to meet friend/s in a hotel bar as location suited but it was definitely an older crowd. People would drink alone as it was used by business people staying over so you wouldn’t stand out.
Men would approach. Difference between ok and creepy is smile and polite conversation nothing like chat up lines or sexual innuendo. Then pick up on clues. Don’t invade personal space. If they don’t want to talk back off. Most men scan for a wedding ring, have a nice evening ladies and leave. We were never offended why would we be?

Take it to the private messages.

My parents met in a bar, a big group of girls chatting to a big group of lads sometime in the mid 70s. My mum remembers my dad as the only one of the lads who didn’t speak to her. Infact she remarked to one of her mates - “ Who’s that miserable bugger over there”

I was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar
That much is true
But even then I knew I'd find a much better place
Either with or without you

I met my husband in a bar. Well, a Wetherspoons. Let's not give ourselves airs and graces eh

I was a barmaid, he was a customer. He chatted me up, I told him he was a scruffy bugger and he could give me his number but I didn't call men I didn't know - the following day he showed up having shaved and put on a nice shirt and I didn't recognise him . We went out a few times and the rest is history.

From the stories on here the answer seems to be to get a job in a bar!