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Original poster

What does 'we met in a bar' actually mean?

178 replies

PotteringPondering · 31/10/2022 10:21

People often share grim experiences of online dating. I hear people say, 'I'd rather do it the traditional way and meet in a bar'.

I realise have no idea what that actually means. Does it smuggle in other assumptions (eg you're in the bar with a group of friends, and the group gets chatting to another group of people)?

I'm a 50s m – no matter how good looking, witty or charming I am, if walked up to a complete stranger in a bar and started chatting, wouldn't that be seen as creepy and inappropriate?

I'm genuinely puzzled. Are there contexts where that wouldn't be seen as creepy? Are there people who wouldn't find that creepy?

OP posts:
slowquickstep · 31/10/2022 10:57

I was in my 40s when i meet my DH in a bar one lunchtime.

BloodyHellKen · 31/10/2022 11:02

Back in days of yore when I was single you went to a bar specifically to meet men 😁

Igglepiggleslittletoe · 31/10/2022 11:03

I think when you are younger it is easier because you have acess to more nights out and friends who want to go out and it is easier to go out every weekend with pals and then look around. I know once kids and all are involved, pals have husbands and things it is harder as you have less time to see them so what happened to me was that I would meet friends every few months but then it was just about catching up with them rather than having a roving eye which makes it harder. I went online when I decided to get out there again.

That said I got hit on in the gym the other day. I had no makeup on, wearing my glasses and my gym gear is not all that attractive as i wear the leggins but with a tshirt and jumper rather than anything cutesie and still got hit on. Was quite awkward what with us both being sweaty and red faced.

IncompleteSenten · 31/10/2022 11:03

Well, when I used to say it it meant went out with my mates from college, got pissed, hooked up with a bloke. 😁

SmallPrawnEnergy · 31/10/2022 11:05

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 31/10/2022 10:53

I think 'we met in a bar' probably means they met at a STI Clinic but don't want to say! 😂

Is thinking not your strong point?

drspouse · 31/10/2022 11:06

It could mean "we met online and then our first date was in a bar".
I am well aware of friends who met in a bar i.e. starting talking to complete stranger or friend of a friend, as I'm also in my 50s.
However when I was that age though I did go out to pubs/bars/clubs and I always thought "perhaps I'll meet someone", I never did and I thought it was because I was unattractive (photos of the time prove otherwise, though I wasn't very fashion forward).
Now I don't go to bars or pubs except a) when away with work and that would be very much "book or headphones, not interested in talking" or "work conference, might talk to someone new but it would be about work", or b) "pub with group of mum friends". As I've clearly never had the kind of radar that works out if someone wants to chat to me about something more than just work, if someone did I'd either not notice, or think it was a bit creepy (sorry!) but I think that's because I wouldn't be there hoping to meet someone (because I'd be there for other reasons, as I'm married).

Comedycook · 31/10/2022 11:07

I met my DH in a bar nearly 18 years ago! I was standing by the bar and saw him walk through the door...he's good looking so my head turned when he walked in and he saw me checking him out! Came right up to me and introduced himself. He was not creepy...just very confident and he also spoke to all my friends (mixed group that night) as well as me all evening and we had a fun night out.

Comedycook · 31/10/2022 11:08

Called me a couple of days later and we went on our first date.

BlueBar · 31/10/2022 11:08

I'm in my 50s and wouldn't be adverse to meeting a man in a bar. It could be fun even if it was just for a chat in the bar!

I spend quite a lot of time in pubs actually, but I can't think of one I could go to with the specific intention of getting chatted up - as I did in my 20s . I often chat briefly with the person next to me at the bar (male or female) but I can't say I've ever felt any indication that a man was interested in more. Maybe I'm doing it wrong or maybe they're all married at this age, but I do remember even when I was young, there'd be plenty of nights when you didn't meet anyone.

I think the main thing is to get out and about and enjoy life. Don't try too hard, but give opportunity a chance. Don't do things just to meet someone, do them because you'll enjoy them for their own right and see what happens.

MissIvy86 · 31/10/2022 11:12

I met an ex in a bar, we were together off an on for five, almost six years. Until he ran off with someone from his work.
Sometimes hanging out in the bar and seeing what happens i fun but I wouldn’t say it’s necessarily better or safer.

Original poster
PotteringPondering · 31/10/2022 11:13

Helpful thoughts! Particularly those who see speaking to strangers in a bar as perfectly normal. My conclusions so far:

• Your expectations are shaped by your social circle. I met my ex at college. I don't know anybody who met a partner in a bar.

• I'm an introvert. Starting a conversation with a complete stranger, with no shared reference point (eg in a reading group, exercise class) feels a little terrifying.

• I clearly need to get out more...

OP posts:
TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 31/10/2022 11:15

SmallPrawnEnergy · 31/10/2022 11:05

Is thinking not your strong point?

Show quote history

I think you're right!

MermaidEyes · 31/10/2022 11:20

I'm 40s, myself and pretty much all my friends met our partners in either a bar or a nightclub. That's how it was done back in the 80s and 90s before online dating, unless you went to uni or just happened to meet someone through a friend.

AllTheLeaveAreBrown · 31/10/2022 11:26

I think what people are talking about is the dying art of looks and smiles. Small cues that indicate interest, followed up by actually talking to people. It feels brave for this generation but it used to be pretty much the only way to meet people.

This! I was out with friends, joking as I was the only single one....I spotted a good looking bloke across the bar and smiled at him. He came over and introduced himself....Reader I married him.

Beautiful3 · 31/10/2022 11:27

I met my husband in a bar/pub.

BMW6 · 31/10/2022 11:27

It's entirely happenstance OP. You go to a pub or bar, you may catch the eye of someone and if you like the look of them, smile.

You may exchange a remark while waiting to be served, or asking where the loo is!

The thing is, not to look around and approach a person you fancy and try to instigate it. That is creepy and off-putting.

Just go out to have a good time, people who are happy are attractive!

Met DH in a pub, both used to go in after work and got chatting over time.

thesugarbumfairy · 31/10/2022 11:30

I don't really understand your confusion, because I think its quite clear what it means. I met my husband in a bar. I just got talking to him on a dancefloor, although he wasn't dancing. I have never actually seen him dance... I was in my late 20s then and living in a shared house in London so we did go out in groups a lot and met people in clubs and bars. Just random chatting. I'm quite extrovert after a few drinks so never thought twice about it.

TurkeyTeeth · 31/10/2022 11:31

I met DH in a bar.

My colleague was having her birthday drinks and DH had come along as a friend of one of her friends, so he was sort of vouched for and not a complete randomer.

We eventually made it round the group and started chatting to each other and the rest is history. I do remember laying eyes on him for the first time and feeling my tummy flip.

HouseofHolbein · 31/10/2022 11:31

Met my husband in a nightclub. That was 26 years ago now. I go to pubs now with my friend who's single. We drink and dance and have fun then she gets chatted up usually 🤣🤣 sometimes she takes it further sometimes she doesn't. Don't think it's unusual

ShippingNews · 31/10/2022 11:31

My Dd met her husband in a bar. She went with a few friends to drown her sorrows after missing out on a job she'd wanted. There was a rugby game on the bar tv, so she sat and watched. A man was sat near her, and they exchanged a few comments about the game. They eventually went for a walk, and it went from there. They've been married for 10 years and have two children.

It's all about context, I think. Approaching someone out of the blue, could seem creepy. Sharing a few comments about the game on the TV, not creepy. Good luck !

TheOrigRights · 31/10/2022 11:33

I met my now ex in a bar.
I was with a group of friends, he was with a group of friends, our eyes met a few times, we got chatting and the rest is history.

It's OK to talk to people you don't know in a bar, you know.

Yabado · 31/10/2022 11:34

I met my husband in a nightclub
he came home with me
we got married 4 months later
been married 23 years

so much easier than bloody OLD 😂😂

TheOrigRights · 31/10/2022 11:35

Starting a conversation with a complete stranger, with no shared reference point (eg in a reading group, exercise class) feels a little terrifying.

but you do have a shared reference, you have chosen to drink in the same bar.
I feel far more comfortable speaking to someone in bar than in an exercise class tbh.

LindaEllen · 31/10/2022 11:36

I met my DP in a bar. I was with a group of friends, so was he, and there were a couple of mutual friends within each group, so we ended up chatting and getting to know each other. From that day, there's never been a day where we haven't spoken to each other. That was 5 years ago and we're very happily living together!

FuckabethFuckor · 31/10/2022 11:36

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 31/10/2022 10:53

I think 'we met in a bar' probably means they met at a STI Clinic but don't want to say! 😂

I did actually meet a previous boyfriend at the sexual health clinic.

It didn't last but it was far from my worst relationship. We both started out knowing the other took sexual health seriously. So many people don't.

I can think of worse places to meet.