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Original poster

What does 'we met in a bar' actually mean?

178 replies

PotteringPondering · 31/10/2022 10:21

People often share grim experiences of online dating. I hear people say, 'I'd rather do it the traditional way and meet in a bar'.

I realise have no idea what that actually means. Does it smuggle in other assumptions (eg you're in the bar with a group of friends, and the group gets chatting to another group of people)?

I'm a 50s m – no matter how good looking, witty or charming I am, if walked up to a complete stranger in a bar and started chatting, wouldn't that be seen as creepy and inappropriate?

I'm genuinely puzzled. Are there contexts where that wouldn't be seen as creepy? Are there people who wouldn't find that creepy?

OP posts:
BigSandyBalls2015 · 31/10/2022 11:36

Isn't that how most people met years ago before online dating?

I met my DH in a club.

BlueBar · 31/10/2022 11:38

People are in such a rush to get their own stories out they don't read OP. How does "I met DH 25 years ago when we were both very young and everyone in the bar was there for the same reason", help a man in his 50s, navigating more grown up places? A man in his 50s trying to chat up women in those bars would definitely be weird and creepy

FinallyHere · 31/10/2022 11:39

art of looks and smiles

I need to get to know someone before I feel comfortable showing any signs of being interested in them as a potential partner. I'm smiley and chatty which can be mistaken for showing interest. It really isn't.

My only way to to get to know potential partners in circumstances where we have a common interest, so at work/Uni or hobby activities.

It's not convenient but it is how it works for me.

Comedycook · 31/10/2022 11:43

A man in his 50s trying to chat up women in those bars would definitely be weird and creepy

Not necessarily...depends on how it's done. Has the woman given him a sign she likes him? A look, a smile? Is he leering or saying suggestive things? That's creepy. Saying hello or making a passing comment to gauge if she wants to chat is ok. If she is not interested, then he should give up straight away... continuing to talk to someone who's not interested is creepy. Really depends on so many things as to whether it's creepy.

itwasntmetho · 31/10/2022 11:43

I like your self awareness to even ask the question, I don't think you'll go to far wrong.
It is very difficult to meet people 'out' now and especially over say 35, the ratio of single to coupled people at this age means the chances you are speaking to some ones partner is more likely than that you are speaking to someone available, so maybe a laid back singles event would be better?

LimeCheesecake · 31/10/2022 11:45

When people say they met in a bar - it’s usually what’s referred to as vertical drinking - busy bars where you are all stood up to drink as there’s nowhere near enough seats for people. It’s easier to get talking to someone like that than when you are all sat at separate tables having quiet conversations.

problem is in your 50s, most woman your age or even a decade younger don’t want to drink in those sorts of places any more.

so I guess you’d be better getting involved in things - clubs, groups, voluntary events etc and try to spark conversation with those who take your fancy. Apart from anything else, you might just meet someone who knows someone you’d get on amazingly with…

BlueBar · 31/10/2022 11:45

Comedycook · 31/10/2022 11:43

A man in his 50s trying to chat up women in those bars would definitely be weird and creepy

Not necessarily...depends on how it's done. Has the woman given him a sign she likes him? A look, a smile? Is he leering or saying suggestive things? That's creepy. Saying hello or making a passing comment to gauge if she wants to chat is ok. If she is not interested, then he should give up straight away... continuing to talk to someone who's not interested is creepy. Really depends on so many things as to whether it's creepy.

In a bar full of young women?

Comedycook · 31/10/2022 11:45

Isn't that how most people met years ago before online dating

Well yes exactly. We'd even talk about "going out on the pull". It was utterly normal.

BlueBar · 31/10/2022 11:47

Comedycook · 31/10/2022 11:45

Isn't that how most people met years ago before online dating

Well yes exactly. We'd even talk about "going out on the pull". It was utterly normal.

We did, but I don't think people in their 50s were doing it? Anyone over 30 in those places was viewed as a bit odd.

Comedycook · 31/10/2022 11:47

In a bar full of young women?

I presume they are all adults. If a woman gives him a sign she likes him, then it's not creepy if he starts a conversation. If she doesn't seem interested, he should just leave it. Really depends on how the man approaches her too. Leering and inappropriate comments are always gross...

BlueBar · 31/10/2022 11:48

In fact, some places had over 30s nights, "affectionately" named grab a granny night.

MissIvy86 · 31/10/2022 11:49

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 31/10/2022 10:53

I think 'we met in a bar' probably means they met at a STI Clinic but don't want to say! 😂

I did start dating a guy I met at a GUM clinic once. It went ok for a bit.
There are worse places to meet someone.

BlackForestCake · 31/10/2022 11:50

The balance changes as you get older too. You’ll find very few middle-aged women sitting in pubs on their own as men do. And not many groups of men dressing smartly for lunch in The Ivy with their mates.

DeathlyQuietNeighbour · 31/10/2022 11:50

I met DH at a rave 30 years ago. We were both quite high and both smoked at the time. I danced near him, he asked me for a light, we snogged, I invited him back to mine. Longest one night stand ever😍

I sometimes wonder if I’d never taken up smoking if the course of my life would be changed.

BlueBar · 31/10/2022 11:51

Comedycook · 31/10/2022 11:47

In a bar full of young women?

I presume they are all adults. If a woman gives him a sign she likes him, then it's not creepy if he starts a conversation. If she doesn't seem interested, he should just leave it. Really depends on how the man approaches her too. Leering and inappropriate comments are always gross...

Oh come on, you're just determined to argue your point without any acknowledgement of reality. For a man to even go into one of those places, where everyone's young enough to be his child, would be weird. Even if you can persuade yourself it's not, it doesn't seem like it would be helpful for OP.

Itaintwhatyoudoitsthewaythatyoudoit · 31/10/2022 11:52

When I was dating people either met through work, mutual friends or in bars.

Meeting in bars was very much the norm.

Id ho with a friend or a few friends. We would go to certain bars where there were people our age (late 20s/early 30s). This was the most important part!

We’d catch someone’s eye, we’d smile, the guy would approach and we’d either turn away or we would chat. After a short while it would be apparent if conversation was flowing or not and we’d either stick around in that bar and if conversation wasn’t flowing/either of us had changed our minds, then we’d say we were moving to another bar and say our goodbyes.
There were different bars - bars with older guys, bars with music…

There were definitely times it didn’t work and we’d be approached by very drunk guys or older guys who were sleazy. Or we’d like someone who would chat and then say they were leaving the bar ie not interested.

It was important to choose the right bars. And it’s important to go with the right people who were also open to meeting someone, and who were smiling and friendly.

It was obvious who was looking for a ONS or not interested.

Recently I went to a bar with a friend. Both of us now older and a bit overweight, dressed in more sensible clothes and we were not approached once. We obviously were not sending out the friendly vibes.

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 31/10/2022 11:52

@FuckabethFuckor
@MissIvy86

Oh, I was joking! 🤐

SirenSays · 31/10/2022 11:53

Yes you might not have much luck in a neon nightclub full of 18 Yr old students drunk on pure sugar cocktails. There are still plenty of pubs and bars where a man in his 50s won't look out of place.

itwasntmetho · 31/10/2022 11:54

BlueBar · 31/10/2022 11:48

In fact, some places had over 30s nights, "affectionately" named grab a granny night.

Haha I remember that!

DozyFox · 31/10/2022 11:55

I met my husband in a bar! In my case it just his group of friends and mine were sat next to each other and we all got talking Smile

SpinningFloppa · 31/10/2022 11:56

When I was younger men approached me in bars all the time, not as part of a group men would just come up to me or my friend it was normal!

BlueBar · 31/10/2022 12:03

SirenSays · 31/10/2022 11:53

Yes you might not have much luck in a neon nightclub full of 18 Yr old students drunk on pure sugar cocktails. There are still plenty of pubs and bars where a man in his 50s won't look out of place.

One's where he'll find lots of single women?

Plenty of places to go for a drink, I agree, but not sure it's the place for people our age to meet someone.

MissIvy86 · 31/10/2022 12:05

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 31/10/2022 11:52

@FuckabethFuckor
@MissIvy86

Oh, I was joking! 🤐

I don’t Doubt it, I wasn’t though. I did actually meet a guy there once and dated him for a bit.

Itaintwhatyoudoitsthewaythatyoudoit · 31/10/2022 12:09

BlueBar · 31/10/2022 12:03

One's where he'll find lots of single women?

Plenty of places to go for a drink, I agree, but not sure it's the place for people our age to meet someone.

Show quote history

If your 50 year old friend is looking to meet someone, he will find bars with women. But the group of women will have both attached and single women in it.

It is harder when you’re older for that reason.

When people are in their 20s/early 30s, the group will more often then not, be mostly single.

When I was in my mud 30s, I dated a man in his 50s. I met him in a bar that was known for socialising - it didn’t have music but the same people went there frequently. Meeting took longer but it happened.

girlmom21 · 31/10/2022 12:12

One's where he'll find lots of single women?

Plenty of places to go for a drink, I agree, but not sure it's the place for people our age to meet someone.

Wine bars over cocktail bars. That's the secret.