Help - My husband is using grindr, I'm pregnant and don't know what to do

[mummatobe23]

Very strange one, out of the blue in what I thought was a blissfully happy, loving and truthful marriage. I am 5 months pregnant, having got married in the summer.
I recently discovered, in a very tangled web of lies, that my husband has been using grindr intermittently throughout our whole relationship. He claims that he is addicted to the escapism and validation provided by apps, but that he is adamently not gay. He says he is intrigued by trans women, and has been using the app to send topless photo's and have 'meaningless chats', has developed a fetish and has secretly been watching lots of trans-porn.
This is completely beyond my realms of comprehension, and so far beyond the boundaries of what I think it appropriate and faithful in a relationship. He claims that it was not unfaithful as there was no intention to meet, and if I hadn't caught him I would never have known - and that it hasn't affected how he behaves in our relationship.
I am so horrendously confused and above all, concerned about the effects all of the grief and distress will be having on my unborn baby. And ultimately, if he'll be an appropriate father. If it was just me in this, I would leave him in a heartbeat - mainly because of the lying that his come before and after to conceal this behaviour - but don't want to rob my daughter of having a happy family unit if this is just some sort of common addiction that I'm too naive to process.
Would so appreciate any feedback or thoughts.
Thanks so much

He's gay. I'm really sorry. If you split now she will never know any different and he may still be a good father. So sorry that you are going through this x

Thanks for that contribution @Gravy302. Helpful.

(I am pleased your physique is appreciated in your liaisons and every day I marvel that sexuality is not a choice!)

@Gravy302 bog off with your self serving, self adulation. This is not the right thread for you to post your disgusting views.

OP I'm so sorry you've had such a nasty discovery in what should be such a wonderful time. Have a look at the transwidows threads here.

trans women are still women so he's straight

And the moon is made of cheese

If it was just some sort of fetish there would be no need for interaction via grindr would there?

He’s lying to you and gaslighting you OP, there is no “happy family unit” to be had with such a person.

I say this all the time on here and it’s true - the presence of a man doesn’t create a family unit.

Christ on a wafer thin biscuit.

You and the OPs partner have been watching too much sissy porn.

And drop the Cis. Women don't need a prefix, Cis is like needing a word for someone who doesn't collect stamps.

You need a full STI panel done ASAP.

You need to tell your midwife and get an STI test ASAP, regardless of him denying having sex with someone else.

He is gay. LTB.

He is on a hook-up app. Regardless of whether he's gay or not, he's a cheat.

All of us?

I’ve been missing out. I was at a part tonight and not one friend tried to snog me.

😠

And OP
Don’t let him entangle you with the whole ‘fetish’ crap.
It’s not like it’s a medical condition, he does have a choice you don’t have to accommodate it

Maybe he’s gay or bi or maybe he’s straight and this is a fetish. Who cares what it is, he’s clearly been lying and he’s a cheat. The fact that he’s trying to justify it is so so weird. He clearly doesn’t see anything wrong with what he’s doing and as a pp said, he’ll never stop. He’ll just find a way to hide it better.

Just because you’re pregnant it doesn’t mean you need to stay and live a lie. Do what’s best for you and your child

Definitely not a common addiction and like all addictions, addicts lie, a lot.

Like others have said, you don't have to be ok with this and it's fine to end the marriage. Your LO will be much better off having a happy Mum rather than having you on a relationship where firstly you don't trust your DH and secondly, feel obliged to stay.

Oh jesus you need to split with him OP.
Please don't worry about your baby, you haven't done any harm.

He's lying to you. If you'd leave in a heartbeat without being pg then the same should apply now. This isnt your fault and I know you didn't want this. It will be much easier to go now rather than later after more hurt and betrayal. Your baby will be fine, there are many kinds of families to be happily born into and you will both find your way out of this marriage.

Don't feed the gravy troll - just ignore rather than respond.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. You've had some good advice. I'd like to come at it from another perspective. You're worried about how the grief you're experiencing will impact your unborn daughter. I just want you to know I went though a horrible experience when I was pregnant with my first born and worried about the same thing. She is now a happy healthy firecracker. Your baby will be fine - please don't worry about that.
Having said that, I think you should talk to a therapist or friend in real life to work though your emotions (particularly if you feel anger). Try and give yourself space and time to work things out. Breathe, meditate,walk - whatever you need.

This is supposed to be a happy time, but it all sounds like it's hard work. Not a good place to be. He won't change, you'll be here in 5 years wondering why you put up with it all and now having to deal with the emotional distress of a 5 year old to boot. End the relationship now, for everyone's sakes.

Ask him to move out and tell someone in RL. I agree you need to be checked for STDs urgently. I’m so sorry.

Ask him to move out and tell someone in RL. I agree you need to be checked for STDs urgently. I’m so sorry.

Totally agree. If you can't face talking to family or friends, please at least tell your MW.

Honestly leave, straight men don’t do penis, so he’s either gay or bi. Bi wouldn’t be an issue obviously expect he’s on hook up sites. It’s not much of a step from being on the site to meeting up with people. It’s semantics about whether it’s cheating or not, he’s lying and he’s betrayed your trust.

I don’t see this improving.

It will be easier for your baby to leave him now rather than years down the line. It would be all your baby ever knew. To get used to a family unit and change things later will be tougher on all of you.

I'm recently separated and it's been tough on my kids. But co parenting really is best for us. I just wish we'd done it sooner.

I won't lie it's utterly horrendous going through it. But people were kinder and more supportive than I imagined. It takes time but it gets ok again.

I'm sorry but whether it's a common addiction or not, you clearly don't like it! I would rather raise my daughter without being in a relationship with man like this, who will likely come out as gay in the future and probably end up leaving you in a worse situation! I would leave now tbh, don't stand for this or else you'll ne putting up with much worse in years to come

OP i think you need to think about the unfaithfulness of the messages and try to put aside the sexuality issue - it doesnt matter, what he did has clearly crossed a line for you.

Also he can still be an 'appropriate' parent, being gay or bi wont change the kind of parent he would be!