Trans Widows Escape Committee 5: And so it continues...

[TinselAngel]

Welcome to thread 5. A virtual prize for anyone who can guess the geeky sci fi reference in the thread title.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

In four years we have gone from starting the first thread, to launching a website, to be invited to give evidence to a government inquiry, which is pretty spectacular when you think about it.

Thanks to all the women who have told their stories and particularly to those who have stuck around to help others. Thanks also to @socialworker222 who remains nice cop, to my stern cop.

Do say hello to start the thread off!

I'm still with my trans spouse. I was laid off in the 2008 recession and was never able to become fully employed again. Despite the "terrible oppression transwomen face" (lol) he has gone on to have a lucrative and ever more promising career. I am middle aged with health problems now. It all seems so daunting. I never can get more than a part time temp position. I have been thrown out to pasture as useless, the way most older women are. If I tryhard, I might be able to get a job at Walmart. Yes, I have a college degree and 20 years of work experience. No one cares.
Things are pretty peaceful so long as I keep my mouth shut. I keep my mouth shut.

or whichever you prefer @Oldermum156. Things are hard and "just leave" isn't always that simple.

@SeasideM he does still live here for now. It is going to take a while to get him pushed all the way out so right now I consider I have a terrible nanny and housekeeper that a pay a small wage. Been working loads on boundaries and DC and I don’t pay him much mind. The ridiculous things I see and overhear are mind boggling.

I have had those questions in my head over and over! Why did he pick me?! I don’t happen to be religious or very conservative but I still do not at all read as a woman into anything remotely “spicy” let alone into a man wanting to dress and “be” a woman in the bedroom. Why bother having this fake persona for the first few years when surely there are plenty of people that would have been compatible with him.

He remarked once that if I wasn’t home he’d be a single mom. My blood pressure went sky high and I gave him an earful. No no no no no. You already stole a child’s father you aren’t going to mess them up more by claiming to be their mother. The sheer nerve of these men to just take take take.

@Zeev quite true.

@Oldermum156 my situation is a bit different but I totally understand about it not always being the case that escape is practical.

@Oldermum156, do you have access to a counselor or therapist? Someone to talk to who might help with everything you're dealing with? Also, it's good to see you here again, I'm glad you returned.

I feel terribly for those of you stuck living with their transitioning husbands. It makes me glad that stbx is intimidated by legal background. And is such a crappy parent that he doesn't care much for custody.

@SeasideM- I'm so glad you schooled him. You, and only you, are mom.

Wow, I can relate to a lot of what you are all saying, I'm glad I'm not the only one still stuck. My partner has been on hormones for over a year now, and I've found that I'm really repulsed by his growing 'chest', his lack of body hair, and his longer head of hair (it doesn't suit him). I've been avoiding physical contact with him, and we don't talk like we used to. I'm tired of his mental health issues, but I also feel like a huge hypocrite because he's way more patient and compassionate with me than I am with him.

I haven't told anyone in real life, except my therapist. He told my sister in law (through messenger) about his "gender identity issues", so I guess that means my brother knows too. I haven't heard anything from her about it. I don't think I really want to talk about it with her anyway. I suspect that he told her as an excuse not to try to get a job which I heard from my mum she had possibly set him up with. In contrast I'll be applying for jobs in a sector which I really want to get out of because I need a job.

I wish things were easier.

I've found that I'm really repulsed by his growing 'chest', his lack of body hair, and his longer head of hair

I remember similar and it feels like an assault on your sexuality.

Yes, repulsed is the perfect word for it. It literally makes me sick to my stomach.

Stbx is starting to look like a homeless person or POW with the long hair and nearly skeletal frame. (He's dropped over 200 pounds in a year.)
And the fingernails. Ew.

[quote QuinnMovesOn]@Oldermum156, do you have access to a counselor or therapist? Someone to talk to who might help with everything you're dealing with? Also, it's good to see you here again, I'm glad you returned.[/quote]
I don't think therapists exist here who aren't "woke". Last time I was seeing one (for childhood abuse issues) I tried very carefully to breach the subject and was pretty immediately shut down with the therapist making it clear that it was unacceptable to even begin to question trans doctrine. And this was a "feminist" therapist.
Some many years back some psychiatrist tried to jump on some little thing I said to suggest I was transgender (I had only said I wanted a breast reduction, my breasts are very large and make me uncomfortable). I thought it was very odd at the time, but now I see the psychiatric profession is absolutely complicit in pushing this on people.

It really is unethical Older. Professional accredited therapists and counsellors are meant to be neutral and not directive.I got lucky and found someone genuinely non-judgemental who helped me deal with the core experience - loss, anger, sadness, reflection, betrayal, my identity and future - without having to judge, correct or re-educate me. I see that as proper skilled psychological work and am sorry that so many women experience poor-quality and frankly unprofessional interventions.

@Oldermum156, I'm sorry to hear that. I'm not sure if this is something you might consider, but I found a lot of support in a Christian church-based divorce recovery group. I was dubious at first because I thought they'd have a "stay with your husband no matter what" attitude, but it definitely was not that. It might be worth seeing if a group like that exists nearby. Also, the group support was available for people who were not yet divorced. And an advantage was that there was no cost for attending the support group meetings.

It's really a problem when the professionals automatically start validating the transitioning spouse instead of supporting their patient/client. I remember reading a transwidow's book, or perhaps it was a blog, how she accidentally 'misgendered' her spouse and the therapist quickly admonished her and told her that she (the therapist) was not allowed to work in situations where there was abuse present. So her own therapist painted her as the abuser!

Wow, this is where I would be "and here's when I refer to you as my FORMER therapist!"

I am fortunate that I'm working with a therapist who told me to just use whatever pronouns I want. As we're mostly talking about the years when my ex was undisputedly male, it makes things much easier. FYI, he also works with transgender people, and presumably is sensitive to whatever pronouns they want to use, but he's not requiring me to do anything I'm not comfortable with.

The affirmation only model is not only ridiculous, but even dangerous. I fear we now live in the Twilight Zone. I'm sorry you had that experience, @Oldermum156.

I'm grateful my therapist does not specialize in tg issues, but rather trauma. She also doesn't agree with the affirmation model.

Good morning guys.
I do live in America, not the UK. There is just no where similar for me to talk here so I hope you don't mind me chiming in.

I think it may be far worse here, at least in some areas. I am Jewish, not Christian, but in both Christian and Jewish faiths all moderate to liberal denominations here the practice is to fall over themselves showing how accepting they are to LGBTQ people, and they do lump them all together. I had been going to a local synagogue for a time until they put a transwoman in charge of the learning course I was attenting. "She" was about 15 years younger than I, very snarky, clearly considered us as a couple very uncool and unhip and ignored me unless I asked a direct question. I stopped attending.
Besides which, my spouse has stated he will only attend denominations that are trans accepting. I myself do not really feel in line otherwise with the extreme strictness of the few that do not accept transness anymore. It's basically Evangelical Christian/Extreme Orthodox Jewry or liberal we we accept anything and everything with no middle ground.
As far as the therapist thing goes, I am pretty sure it is standard practice for the therapists to consider you the bad guy if you don't accept the pronouns etc now. I have had people online accuse me of being abusive to my spouse before (even though he makes all the money, I am disabled, there is no violence, I basically never question him to his face, etc.) simply for having expressed views questioning TRA doctrine online! I don't think there is any way to even go around and ask if there is one you could talk to who doesn't fall in line with the dogma. They would probably think it was some TRA trying to trick them and hang up on you.

Have you read Christine Bevenuto's book Older? She describes exactly the same experience as you do, in her liberal, Jewish community.

@Oldermum156, this is the Christian group I mentioned. In my experience, they don't care about your religion at all. The group I attended did open with a Christian prayer, which I just didn't participate in.

www.divorcecare.org/findagroup

An acquaintance of mine who is a Buddhist priest has left her priesthood and school of Buddhism because it won't unblinkingly accept trans ideology. So she and her husband have flounced and are now stuck with a very expensive to run ex hotel they bought and opened as a Buddhist temple. Neither of them are trans or as far as I know have trans family members. Why would you throw it all away on an issue that is nothing to do with you?

Thanks for the info Quinn, I will look into it.

@TinselAngel

Have you read Christine Bevenuto's book Older? She describes exactly the same experience as you do, in her liberal, Jewish community.

I do want to read her book but I would have to hide it in the house or my husband would be super offended

I think you can get it on Kindle (assuming he doesn't have access to your Amazon account and email etc).

Something a bit lighthearted which happened last night that I wanted to share. My 4 year old son goes to preschool, and we were asking him about his day at dinner. We were asking him who he played with, and some girls names were mentioned. He said "I don't like playing with the girls." I replied saying that oh, they play different games that you like, but my mum told him that one day when he's older he'll love playing with girls. Him being a slightly literal 4 year old took that as he will turn into a girl when he's older so he can play with girls. "I don't think I'll like to be a girl..." My mum and I assured him that he will always be a boy and that you can't turn into a girl. He was happy with that and the conversation changed to telling him to eat his dinner.

During this conversation I glanced over at his father, and he was doing his best to ignore the conversation, but I could tell that he didn't like it. He's not out to anyone but me, so he doesn't challenge any of these types of conversation due to fear of being found out. It always gives me a bit of satisfaction when he has to assure our child that he's a man, even if he thinks that he isn't.

Would it be ok if I joined you all here? I'm not sure if it's appropriate but I can't see anywhere else it would be better to post.

I'm not a trans widow but I am leaving my DH because he's a TRA (unbeknown to me when we married). Does that count? I just need somewhere for a bit of support as I feel like I'm going out of my mind right now.

Blimey scot that's an unusual one. Are you leaving because you are a gender-critical feminist? If so you could post straight onto FWR where people discuss those kinds of disagreements with colleagues/friends/family members. I imagine if your reason for leaving him are known, you're facing accusations of transphobia. So you are likely to find other people with similar impacts on their relationships there rather than being hidden in TWEC.