Help - My husband is using grindr, I'm pregnant and don't know what to do

[mummatobe23]

Very strange one, out of the blue in what I thought was a blissfully happy, loving and truthful marriage. I am 5 months pregnant, having got married in the summer.
I recently discovered, in a very tangled web of lies, that my husband has been using grindr intermittently throughout our whole relationship. He claims that he is addicted to the escapism and validation provided by apps, but that he is adamently not gay. He says he is intrigued by trans women, and has been using the app to send topless photo's and have 'meaningless chats', has developed a fetish and has secretly been watching lots of trans-porn.
This is completely beyond my realms of comprehension, and so far beyond the boundaries of what I think it appropriate and faithful in a relationship. He claims that it was not unfaithful as there was no intention to meet, and if I hadn't caught him I would never have known - and that it hasn't affected how he behaves in our relationship.
I am so horrendously confused and above all, concerned about the effects all of the grief and distress will be having on my unborn baby. And ultimately, if he'll be an appropriate father. If it was just me in this, I would leave him in a heartbeat - mainly because of the lying that his come before and after to conceal this behaviour - but don't want to rob my daughter of having a happy family unit if this is just some sort of common addiction that I'm too naive to process.
Would so appreciate any feedback or thoughts.
Thanks so much

He’s gay, OP. And thinks trans porn makes is ‘more straight’. I’m sorry you’ve had such a shock in your pregnancy. I would make arrangements to leave, then spend a few months just coming to terms with it all and focussing on the new baby. Eventually you’ll process it and get a clearer idea going of what you want to do in terms of access etc 💐

You are allowed to draw a line.

You are not obliged to put up with it.

Even if 10 cool wives came to this thread and said they're fine with their Husbands attending to their "needs", you don't have to be fine with it.

So is he blaming you for catching him, rather than trying to make amends?

Even if this happened in every relationship, if it is making you unhappy and leaving you unable to trust him, then it's ok to set a boundary.

But no, I don't think it is super-common.

I do, however, know it's much easier to find 'straight' men for sex on grindr, as a gay man (from talking to gay male friends) than it is to meet out gay men.
So he might not have strayed yet, but it definitely happens.

My BIL watched a lot of trans porn when he was in his early twenties (my DH caught him a few times by accident) he swore he wasn't gay and got married to a woman. Low and behold he's now come out.

Your husband is bi at the very least.

I'm sorry you've found out this way and at the time that you have.

Put yourself first, you have the right to decide what you can and can't put up with.

Dump him

You have to decide if you want to continue your marriage with a bi/gay husband who doesn't believe porn and sexting others is cheating. That's where you are at. So that's the decision you have to make moving forward because he (I'll say this loudly) WILL NOT CHANGE. He may try to hide it better, but he will not change.

Run for your fucking life. Right now. He's a cheater, a liar, and not the man you thought you married.

Get out before your baby is born.

He is gay....neighbour's son...a very tough looking lad.....he is on grindr for trans guys for sex....he told me he doesnt see it as being gay as the trans or guys dressed as women and not men.....we do chat over the fence about all sorts...!!

TBH I don’t think a bunch of cool wives (?!) are going to come on and say any such thing. This is quite unusual.

I am really sorry OP but the only explanation is he’s bi or gay. Obviously some bi men are happily and faithfully married to women, but this behaviour would indicate it may not play out that way for you. More to the point, he should have told you he was bi early in your relationship.

Only you can decide what to do, but it were me, right now I would want some space. And as he has broken the trust in your relationship I would want him to move out for a month or so while I got my head together.

Can you get family or friend support to talk through things? A counsellor might be useful if you need a neutral view. Work through all your options including financial - if either of you were to call it, what would the financial set up be? It’s probably worth seeing a solicitor just to have a plan.

If you decide to continue then the pair of you need to have some very honest conversations, possibly with the help of a couples therapist.

I know it feels like a ton of shit right now, but whatever happens you have your daughter, and the pair of you will have a great future.

I’d get real life support tell a friend or your mum. I’d also get a std test for your sake and your unborn babies. It would be over for me.

It doesn’t matter if he is gay, bi or straight.
What matters is how you now view the relationship and whether you feel things can continue as they are?
If you can’t continue as is, what would it take to continue the relationship?
Do you want to continue?
Only you know the answers.

He is gay. Obviously nothing wrong with that, but he is lying to you.

BTW don’t worry about the baby’s health. Perfectly healthy babies are born in war zones and all sorts. Babies are tough.

What your baby needs is for you to put yourself first, because by looking after yourself you are protecting her. She needs both her parents to be as happy and functional as possible, far more than she needs them to be together.

It doesn’t matter if he is gay, bi or straight.

Well it does. How many people would happily knowingly marry a gay man?

I would find it very difficult to trust him wholeheartedly for the entire marriage.

He is gay , he just won't admit it to himself ( or you ).

I'm so sorry OP. This sounds devastating and such a betrayal. Your baby is fine, but you do need to put yourself first, and this situation sounds so toxic and hurtful, that in my opinion i'd just move and find solace at my parents until baby comes.

He obviously has homosexual tendencies and has been lying to you, two fold. You shouldn't have to be dealing with this at such a happy time in your life. So remove yourself from the home (or better ask him to leave) definitely tell someone you trust because you'll need support as your pregnancy progresses.

Hoping all works out for you

He isn't straight and it sounds like he's massively in denial about his sexuality. He's tying himself in knots to persuade you and probably himself that he doesn't fancy men. You will be doing everyone in this situation, including your baby, a favour by ending the relationship now instead of letting it die a slow and painful death.

Sounds like he is confused or in denial.

IF he is having sex with men/trans women- he might be eligible for a monkey pox vaccine. Although 'generally' a minor illness for healthy people, I'd certainly be mentioning your concerns to your obstetrician/GP/midwife etc due to reduced immunity in pregnancy. Although cases are down to appox 2 per day in England currently, if you are still having sex with DH, I'd be worried too! ALso a full STI screen!

If it was just me in this, I would leave him in a heartbeat - mainly because of the lying that his come before and after to conceal this behaviour - but don't want to rob my daughter of having a happy family unit

How can your daughter have a ‘happy family unit’ when her mother can’t trust her father, or is obliged to put up with things over her boundaries in order to remain in the relationship.

Draw your line - you already know what it is. You’d leave him; you’ve said so quite clearly. You cannot trust him and the foundation of your relationship is not what you assumed you’d built.

So leave, look after yourself and your baby, and then deal with how to co-parent with him as separated individuals.

None of it is your fault, or your responsibility to fix.

it's entirely possible to be straight and enjoy watching trans porn. it's a kink not a sexuality in itself. however if he's contacting real people on grindr for chats and meet ups then that's totally different.

OP I dont know if he's faithful to you or not. But his behaviour suggests a lack of sexual loyalty. I'm so sorry OP but ultimately I dont think he's your partner for life. I think he will wrap you up in stories and justifications but he's not really your long term partner. He's suppressing desire for other things.

@mummatobe23 Oh bloody hell, what an awful thing for you to be going through. Just crap.

Firstly families come in all shapes and they are very normal for the children in their families. This guy might be great co-parent or he might be a total liability so what if your family isn't the standard 2.4 kids. What's not healthy is a family where anyone is not happy or supported. Kids are adaptable, really adaptable. Honestly.

If I was your mate, I'd tell you to get rid of this man romantically and out of the house. Trust has gone and the dishonesty is beyond my line.

There's zero wrong with being gay or trans-attracted. But so much wrong with crossing all of these lines in a marriage. I couldn't give a shit about what lies he's telling himself but they have gone too far now and hurt and possibly endangered you and your baby. Don't stay quiet, don't be embarrassed. He'll have to work on this himself. That's not your problem.