Help - My husband is using grindr, I'm pregnant and don't know what to do

[mummatobe23]

Very strange one, out of the blue in what I thought was a blissfully happy, loving and truthful marriage. I am 5 months pregnant, having got married in the summer.
I recently discovered, in a very tangled web of lies, that my husband has been using grindr intermittently throughout our whole relationship. He claims that he is addicted to the escapism and validation provided by apps, but that he is adamently not gay. He says he is intrigued by trans women, and has been using the app to send topless photo's and have 'meaningless chats', has developed a fetish and has secretly been watching lots of trans-porn.
This is completely beyond my realms of comprehension, and so far beyond the boundaries of what I think it appropriate and faithful in a relationship. He claims that it was not unfaithful as there was no intention to meet, and if I hadn't caught him I would never have known - and that it hasn't affected how he behaves in our relationship.
I am so horrendously confused and above all, concerned about the effects all of the grief and distress will be having on my unborn baby. And ultimately, if he'll be an appropriate father. If it was just me in this, I would leave him in a heartbeat - mainly because of the lying that his come before and after to conceal this behaviour - but don't want to rob my daughter of having a happy family unit if this is just some sort of common addiction that I'm too naive to process.
Would so appreciate any feedback or thoughts.
Thanks so much

Oh OP this is horrible for you, I’m sorry. He’s gaslighting you. How dare he make this your problem and not his. He is the one doing something to upset you, his wife. Why would he insist he would have carried on? He clearly doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong. Watching porn is one thing (I don’t look at my husband’s internet history so I don’t know exactly what type he watches, but have a good idea of what he’s into). But for your husband to be watching the trans stuff AND downloading, using the app, and messaging trans people, that’s another level. The combination isn’t good and it won’t get better. It does seem that it’s not just a kink and that he wants it to feel more real, which is why he’s on the app. He may have even met up with some of these trans women.
please get an STI test, like the others have said and I’m sorry but you need to leave him xx

It might go against anything said here before but… Human sexuality is not black and white. Your DH is bound to lie to you about trans porn if it’s his fetish and he’s ashamed of it. Your reaction is actually proving the point why he would lie about it. A lot of people have skeletons in their closet and many unfulfilled desires but rarely act on it. It’s hardly a very sinister fetish either. He might be Bi or exploring his sexuality, of course, but that might be just be that - a kink. To add, our “kinks” are often our traumas.
i wouldn’t be so hasty and divorce straight away. IMHO You just need to have some honest conversations and your husband might want to go see therapist to check where this fetish might come from.

This. The biggest issue is his need to have this on the side and his inability to have brought this up with you well before you married. He might want to force an open marriage with you, but even if you were up for that he probably wouldn't be a great partner in one as he's a liar.

Leave. Move were you want to live before your daughter is born. You deserve better. The longer you leave it the harder it'll be.

This in spades.
I've lived this and its soul destroying knowing that your lovely wee family life with your lovely DC is something he wants to escape. It's not the addiction or the fetish itself it's that he doesn't want your family.

In my experience the best, indeed the only thing, to do with DPs who indulge in escapism like this is to open the front door and let them escape themselves away to the far side of fuck.
And then change the locks before they come back.

So you're married to a gay dude and a liar.

You said you'd leave immediately if it weren't for the baby. It's in utero. Leaving now is the best thing to do or get him to.

Don't make excuses for staying like the baby (because that is what it is). Go. Now. When you do actually have the baby it'll be a lot harder.

He is gay. Trans women in porn or men in dresses. They are AGP . Your husband is gay or bi. But in actuality I find gay more realistic as bi-men (ime) usually like men men and women women.

Gravy302 Where shall I begin. For a start not "all" women straight or gay watch porn gay or otherwise. Also this "cis" is a made up offensive word/term that claims men claiming to be women are the default women. No XX people AKA
women are the default. And quite a few gay men like muscled men you know nothing wrong with that. Men whoever they fancy can be emotional even very also again absolutely nothing wrong with that also.

OP, sorry to go off topic there The worst case scenario here is that he used you to have a baby all the while knowing he was gay, sadly it's not unheard of. He could be in denial of being gay of course, confused and behaving badly to his pregnant wife because of it. Though again no excuse.
At the end of the day though, you should not have to a therapist sexual or otherwise to a cheating husband, you have more than enough on your plate at the moment. Put yourself and your babies' happiness and wellbeing first and that will most likely mean leaving him ASAP. As to your child not having a full family life without a father like husband. Please read the transwidow thread. It's an eye opener.

Go and see a counsellor and ask him to see one separately as well. Get your head straight. Decide what you need to do. If he is gay counselling will help him. Behaving this way without you knowing isn’t ok. I hope your ok.

don't want to rob my daughter of having a happy family unit

Its better if you split now and go from here in an amicable co-parenting arrangement then if you try to brush this under the carpet now.

It will keep coming up again and again and the stress on your DD will be far greater because she will have to witness terrible upset and an eventual inevitable traumatic split.

If things are as they will be from when she is born it will just be normal for her, this is the best thing you can do for her and yourself 💐

He’s gay, OP. And thinks trans porn makes is ‘more straight’.

It's not a 100% uncommon fantasy for straight men. Not that I think it's ok for a man to do what he's done in a relationship.

He’s gay

whether he likes a macho muscly man or a man who wears a dress and calls themselves a woman, he is gay.

i think you should leave.

your daughter deserves better than him. Not because he’s probably gay or bisexual (nothing wrong with either) but because he’s a liar who thinks absolutely nothing of cheating on the mother of his child whilst pregnant. He says nothing physical has happened (who knows) but cheating isn’t just physical

He lies. He cheats. You would leave if you weren't pregnant. All the more reason to leave because you are pregnant.

I agree about the fetish/porn but going on Grindr takes it beyond that, that's where it becomes unfaithful. We all have our preferences but we can control ourselves, I am a hetero woman in a long term relationship but I don't feel the urge to go on Tindr to chat to men 🤷🏻‍♀️

That's terrible. I too would leave! You can leave before the baby comes and not have to deal with this because it will get worse. Having young ones is difficult on a marriage so if he's already doing this, it's not going to stop. This happened to my friend, she created her own fake profile and messaged him arranging a meet up at a hotel. Sure enough he turned up so she knew his intentions...