Help - My husband is using grindr, I'm pregnant and don't know what to do

[mummatobe23]

Very strange one, out of the blue in what I thought was a blissfully happy, loving and truthful marriage. I am 5 months pregnant, having got married in the summer.
I recently discovered, in a very tangled web of lies, that my husband has been using grindr intermittently throughout our whole relationship. He claims that he is addicted to the escapism and validation provided by apps, but that he is adamently not gay. He says he is intrigued by trans women, and has been using the app to send topless photo's and have 'meaningless chats', has developed a fetish and has secretly been watching lots of trans-porn.
This is completely beyond my realms of comprehension, and so far beyond the boundaries of what I think it appropriate and faithful in a relationship. He claims that it was not unfaithful as there was no intention to meet, and if I hadn't caught him I would never have known - and that it hasn't affected how he behaves in our relationship.
I am so horrendously confused and above all, concerned about the effects all of the grief and distress will be having on my unborn baby. And ultimately, if he'll be an appropriate father. If it was just me in this, I would leave him in a heartbeat - mainly because of the lying that his come before and after to conceal this behaviour - but don't want to rob my daughter of having a happy family unit if this is just some sort of common addiction that I'm too naive to process.
Would so appreciate any feedback or thoughts.
Thanks so much

Oh dear OP. This isn't what you need. So he was clearly going to continue and not say anything.
What was your sex life like? Sorry but I would get rid of him!

He should have told you before he married you that he was attracted to men too. He choose to lie and he is still lying to you.

He is actively interacting with other people to get his sexual needs met so he is cheating on you, whether they are men or women is almost irrelevant. It is the lying and cheating that matter.

He is also likely lying to himself about being gay, or at least bi, by going for trans women so he can pretend that he is still a heterosexual man.

Too many issues with that man. Leave him. He will not change and will continue to lie to you if you stay with him.

Nonsense! Absolute nonsense. It doesn't matter what the men are wearing, it is gay porn! They can be dressed as women or be dressed as flowers - ultimately they are two men having sex. That's gay porn. You're telling me that perfectly heterosexual men watch gay porn? Or that it makes it not gay porn if one of them is wearing female clothing?

Sorry OP that would be crossing the line for me. End the relationship now so that you can your child can start out as you mean to continue. He can still be a father to your child without being a partner to you.

I’m so sorry that this is happening to you

How are trans women the same as women who are born female? No disrespect towards the trans community but physiologically if they are not born with a vagina then it is not the same as 100% straight porn!

With absolute respect, have you ever questioned your own sexuality? As I'm hearing similarities between yourself & OP's husband

@Gravy302
''@catchthedog trans women are still women so he's straight, In fact I prefer trans women over cis women because many trans women seem more turned on by the male body and like muscles. Cis women are too emotional and are not that visual, I like it when women are visual and like my body''

Nobody is remotely interested in your sexual preferences or your misogynistic comments about 'cis women'. Go back to lurking on Grindr.

@jeaux90 Cis is like needing a word for someone who doesn't collect stamps.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

He is being very self-centered and doesn't care how his behavior effects you. This is just about the worst behavior you can have in a marriage partner.

If you would leave him if you weren't pregnant that means you should leave him. This whole situation is only going to get worse. He has been sneaking around and lying to you when you are brand new newlyweds. This guy is just not marriage material and as painful as it is, you should rip the bandaid off now and start a life which is best for you and your baby.

Whatever you do DON'T cover up for him, tell people IRL if you need their support. Don't put his feelings before yours when you are going to have a baby and he has let you down so badly. It will be very clear to everyone who is in the wrong and his behavior is out of line. If you wait a few years he can manipulate all around you so its looks like you are somehow responsible. A newly wed man doing this is obviously lying to himself and you.

The trajectory for transwidows is always about women being confused and putting up with abusive behavior like this until they can't take it anymore. Just get off the train now.

I have been married a long time. You need a partner who reciprocates and is there for you, not just takes from you and sneaks around behind your back.

@Gravy302 I most certainly do not watch lesbian porn! Never once. No desire to.

How are you @mummatobe23 ?

I am sorry that you have to put up with this op.

He is gay. Will lie about it untill everything falls into place and he can come out. But don't let him string you along. It's cruel he married you only this summer and got you pregnant.

I would start making arrangements to leave. Don't tell him about your plans - I imagine he probably won't share his. Once ready tell him it's over, tell him to pack his bags and focus on baby.

You really need to prioritise your health and you'd baby, he is clearly gay and in denial. The stress of this could be very detrimental for you and I know it must be so heartbreaking to know he's on this app.

I'd leave him and stay somewhere you'll get support and love through this. He will inevitably come out of the closet and have a lot of emotional stuff to work through.

If you believe your marriage is over, then it is better to get out now, before your baby is born, she won't know any different that way, but set out your stall for access arrangements early, get yourself on your feet and enjoy your baby ❤️

Other posters are right, he has crossed one of your boundaries, and instead of being apologetic, he has gone down the 'no big deal' route and tried to gaslight you into thinking it's nothing, and he will do it again and again if you take him back.

It's not so much a case of playing happy families for your daughter. He will find a hetero relationship too difficult to manage to sustain for long.

I speak from going through the same experience as a newly married woman. He was able to keep up the façade of normality for a few weeks and then it crumbled. I did get an infection from him too, but I wasn't pregnant.

It's never going to work, so difficult as it is for you, tell family and friends and plan your life as a single parent.

I found this period of my life so traumatic, but years later with a wonderful husband, I can just feel sorry that I was taken in by my ex. I felt guilty at the cost of the wedding and putting my parents through the trauma with me, but it really wasn't my fault as he totally deceived me.

I wish you all the best in the future and divorce him as soon as possible.

I really feel for you. Big events and life changes like getting married and having a baby can make people reassess and realise want they want in life.
it is possible he was in denial about his feelings? And thought if he got married and had kids that he would be fine! But now he is there it’s not his true self?
however that doesn’t mean you should put up with this sneaking around. Chose now to go it alone and put your surname on the birth certificate. Good luck

@MightyOaks yes what people watch for porn doesn't define their sexuality. quite often people watch the opposite of what they're into in real life for the novelty factor. plenty of straight women watch lesbian or even gay man porn, or people watch taboo things because they get off on the "shouldn't be watching this" feeling.

@mummatobe23 One really important thing right now is for you to focus on you and the rest of your pregnancy being as relaxed as possible.

Yes, I agree with what all the PP say about it not being normal (do NOT let him gaslight you into thinking it is, or that he’s fully straight).

However, you get one chance to carry your baby, and high cortisol in pregnancy, as I know you know, is not great for their development. Ideally, you’d mentally park this issue (or not stress too much over it) for the rest of the pregnancy, if you can, and i really feel for you.

I don’t know how you’ll achieve this more relaxed state, but I think a lot of RL support would be great. Speak up. You’ve done nothing wrong and you’re not betraying confidences. Small things like, if you can afford it, I remember getting a massage that was like manna from heaven. Mentally visualise a positive pregnancy, breathe even. Without sounding like a complete hippy, what I’m trying to say is refocus on you, on your baby. It’s so so so important to their future life.

You have time to work out what to do, to see what he’s like going forward, to decide what you want to do. Now is the worst time for you to have heard this info. Also, I’ll add that it WILL be Ok. our picture of what it’s like to have kids is almost never like the reality. My family isn’t what I pictured, we’ve gone through divorce, I didn’t have a girl, etc etc. I was really really upset about both of these things at the time. I was terribly stressed. I regret wasting my time on these stresses. Since honestly, it’s all OK. I’m Ok. It’s better than it was! It all works out. Hugs Op.

I am so sorry you are going through this 💐

You poor thing, what a shock. Definitely share with friends irl asap. Do you get the sense he is expecting you to leave? I’m wondering if he has yet shared with friends or family

This.

But keep in mind that him being gay or bi does not stop him being a loving dad. Your DD can still have her daddy, just not living in the same house.

Don't let your DD watch her parents be unhappy or dishonest in a sham marriage.

Good advice from @ChefCheese Much as you might feel you have to make an immediate decision about everything, step back, breathe and get support. Wishing you well OP and sorry you are in this situation. Things will be better in the future however awful it feels right now.

This.

It’s the deceit and denial that’s already happened and won’t go away in the coming months and years. Even if you decide you want to stay, you will know he is faking it.

If he's not even able to really admit he is gay or bi to himself then you've got a horrible rocky road. As tough as it is you need to get out now. He won't stop.
I have a friend of 50 who is like this (now long distance). Lots of trans porn. 'Likes the music of gay clubs' (hmm just the music??). On grindr. We are no longer close and he lives far away now. No kids but he never has a girlfriend for more than a few years..they always leave. He's lovely, kind, good looking... but quite clearly got major issues with his sexuality which only he can solve.
You don't want to be his 'straight maker'. He clearly thinks he can pull this off because he wants to be straight. But he isn't.

You can't catch Monkey Pox from watching a screen.

But as OP said. You don't have to leave today. Get yourself in order. Make plans. Get some support.
It's a horrible shock. And I'm sure he loves you. It's just his sexuality is complicated.