Help - My husband is using grindr, I'm pregnant and don't know what to do

[mummatobe23]

Very strange one, out of the blue in what I thought was a blissfully happy, loving and truthful marriage. I am 5 months pregnant, having got married in the summer.
I recently discovered, in a very tangled web of lies, that my husband has been using grindr intermittently throughout our whole relationship. He claims that he is addicted to the escapism and validation provided by apps, but that he is adamently not gay. He says he is intrigued by trans women, and has been using the app to send topless photo's and have 'meaningless chats', has developed a fetish and has secretly been watching lots of trans-porn.
This is completely beyond my realms of comprehension, and so far beyond the boundaries of what I think it appropriate and faithful in a relationship. He claims that it was not unfaithful as there was no intention to meet, and if I hadn't caught him I would never have known - and that it hasn't affected how he behaves in our relationship.
I am so horrendously confused and above all, concerned about the effects all of the grief and distress will be having on my unborn baby. And ultimately, if he'll be an appropriate father. If it was just me in this, I would leave him in a heartbeat - mainly because of the lying that his come before and after to conceal this behaviour - but don't want to rob my daughter of having a happy family unit if this is just some sort of common addiction that I'm too naive to process.
Would so appreciate any feedback or thoughts.
Thanks so much

Anyone addicted to escapism and validation from strangers is never going to make an honest partner regardless whether its grinder or minecraft.

If he is needing to escape now, during what should be a pretty exciting time for both of you, then I guess that will continue through the birth and subsequent raising of child. What he is using to escape is secondary to the need to escape.

Your possibly better off with someone who does not see his life with you as something to escape from, or, address the issues that cause the need.

escapism-wikki "Escapism is mental diversion from unpleasant or boring aspects of daily life, typically through activities involving imagination or entertainment. Escapism may be used to occupy one's self away from persistent feelings of depression or general sadness"

Sorry, it’s a no from me OP.

Aside from the sexuality issues, he doesn't sound at all sorry he has treated you badly, just sorry he got caught. That's no basis for a marriage.

I agree with poster who says you are allowed to have a line. You are allowed to have a reaction to this. He married you under false pretences.

I left my x when dc tiny and the easiest time to do it is when they're very young. Before birth is better. Imagine having to explain why you and daddy split up. Better to digest this shock and then do it.

I came here to say what others have said about getting checked for STIs. You need to get this done for your health and for babies health. People who meet up for anonymous sex get diseases.

It's such a difficult one. I think that a minority of people can look up that stuff as a fantasy that they don't actually want to do in real life. But. I think it is likely that he has met with other men.

I hope he is the sort of man who will at least from now on give you the dignity of the truth so you can plan the rest of your life.

They're men, 90% retain their penis. So if you're going for trans women, you enjoy men. Like OP partner.
OP you'll never trust him again, you'll always be wondering what he's doing, if he's actually meeting them. You deserve better than him.

Thanks for your sexist contribution.

I’m not going to say he’s gay but he’s certainly doing some exploring that should ideally be done when you’re not married! Sounds like he could possibly have a porn addiction too which has clearly seeped into his life in other ways.

This is cheating. And how much more escapism is he going to need when there’s a new born baby?

😂 yeah same!

I have a lot of female friends and not one of us have tried to kiss each other, I’m not aware of this happening in any of the other friendship groups they’re in either. I’m sure some do but definitely they’re in the minority.

I would get a full STD check and then decide if you want to live with a bi or gay man. I couldn't as I'm straight and prefer straight men.

And for those few “straight” women out there who are regularly kissing women and watch lesbian porn I think they would be classed as bi, or as some part of the LGBTQ community, so….not actually straight.

Not sure how this is relevent and I don't know anyone who does that? 🤷‍♀️

I'm very sorry this is happening to you OP.

I think you have more to immediately worry about here than Monkeypox. Blimey I can't believe somebody went all the way from your post to freaking monkeypox that fast. Wow.

Doesn't matter if he's gay, he's cheating on you! Continuously!

RUN! NOW!

I didn't read the part about him being an "appropriate father" as being about sexuality, rather because he's turned out to be a lying, cheating, gaslighting, sneaky person.

They don't tend to make good parents, regardless of sexuality, gender, or anything else.

Just wanted to say how sorry I am you are going through this.

So sorry he’s been lying to you op. I agree with others, that it will be much easier on your baby daughter if you leave him now, than give him the opportunity to let her down, which he will. As others have said. This is the exciting bit. If he needs escapism now, how will it escalate when the hard work and reality set in?

Pardon? Speak for yourself, I've never done any such thing. Stop trying to derail ffs.

In the words of Ross from Friends: He is soooooo gay.

LTB.

You've just proved they are different then!

Sorry this has happened op. Definitely get yourself checked for STD’s.

You don't want your daughter being robbed of a happy family unit? Hardly going to be happy now is it?

Even if you separate the sexuality element from the app. If he was on tinder, chatting with and sending pictures to women because it made him feel good, that wouldn't be ok either would it. The fact it's grindr is an additional complication but his actions are not those of a dependable, loyal, loving husband anyway, regardless of his sexuality.

If say there is a possibility he is transgender himself. My BIL had been married twice, has a step daughter and a biological daughter and is transgender. He is now a she.
I think that people find it harder to come out as transgender than as gay as its such a new thing in society for people to do.
Whatever his preference he's not who you thought he was and it's better you leave before the baby is born and you can Co parent with him.

Yes. Literally all us straight women do this. How did you know? Did you read it in the online Encyclopedia called ‘Pornhub’ ?