I've been kept hidden

[Gymtanlaundry]

I'll keep it short, thank you firstly to anyone reading hoping for some help/support.
DH and I have a great marriage, we are very much in love and spend alot of our time together going on holidays and making each other laugh etc.
Over the past few years I've noticed a trend, with social events involving his friends or work colleagues he tends to try and put me off going, I'd not really thought about it much till today. He gives me subtle nudges to talk me out of attending or show why it would be best if he went alone. I'm very shy and awkward so it genuinely doesn't take much for me to agree with him.
So despite our seven years together I've only met one of his friends and none of his colleagues.
Anyway his new job has a big Christmas gathering every year which is known to include all the wags and be a very good night out. Two weeks ago he told me it was just going to be the boys having beers this year, I questioned him as it seemed odd but he got angry so I pushed I no further. Last week his colleague invited us to his wedding next year and DH said it would be easiest and best if he went alone.
I broke at this point, suddenly putting together all the past incidents, I asked if he's embarrassed of me or ashamed. I don't think I'm unattractive or horrific in social situations, I keep fit and don't have any wierd features but DH is excessively handsome so I try my best to keep up but he's definitely out of my league.
When confronted he was very sweet and denied it all and said he was so proud of me and wanted to show me off, this answer I accepted at the time until last night.
I discovered this year's work Christmas party is a big celebration including the wags and the couples will all be going out for dinner and drinks. I cried, he became enraged and said it was all in my head and I was deflecting my own feelings onto him. I haven't spoken to him since and don't know what to do or how to move forward. Am I being crazy? I'm very insecure and self conscious. Was he just protecting me? Is DH embarassed of me, the way I look or behave? How do I move forward? I feel genuinely broken, like a hidden secret who he probably jokes about with his mates.

It does sound like it’s probably the eating disorder. He’s trying to protect you, is embarrassed about it or some combo of the two.

Definitely me too..

Nah he could quite easily say this to me, I'm.fully aware of the difficulties my condition presents and if he said "it's a meal I don't want to put anyone in that situation" I would completely agree with him, we've had almost that exact conversation before. I'm not the argumentative angry type I know I'm the problem when it comes to that issue x

I'm not buying that it's the ED. As you point out, people with EDs have been dodging food and eating situations for years, decades even, they are well used to managing those situations.
Ask him again why he doesn't seem to want you at the work Christmas do.
I don't see why he encourages you to spend your free time with your Dad.

Unless he thinks women are the servants of men and likes to encourage that philosphy.

I don't think he's thinking bad of you or joking about you with his mates - that's your mind selling you a story about yourself in order that you can keep this cycle going and keep yourself 'safe' by sticking to close family and the one friend.
Don't buy into that.

Maybe he doesn't want his style being cramped.
Has he told the guys at work that he's married? Has he got a wedding ring?
Maybe he likes being seen as the young handsome single guy while also having the Mrs at home warming his slippers in front of the fire and putting his dinner in the oven.

Socialising with people, in company, who won’t eat is hard work. It can make other people feel awkward and they will ask questions or at least raise eyebrows as it is not socially acceptable behaviour.

You may feel at ease with not eating in company but your DH doesn’t feel at ease with it and he knows other people won’t either.

He doesn’t want to attract attention to himself or your relationship or maybe doesn’t want work colleagues to know about your ED.

Sorry OP but living with someone with an ED is hard work. You may think he accepts it which he probably does at home but not in front of friends and colleagues.

This is horrible, you’re right to be upset by this

@Gymtanlaundry Bless you, it’s a horrible thing to deal with, you sound very self aware and I wish you all the best.
I think you just need to have it out, warts and all with him. It probably won’t be pretty but you need to have this conversation. You can’t go on like this.

Oh no I know it's awful, it's a day to day battle and he has tried to help and encourage me to get better but I'm so attached to the ED that it's all consuming, that is why I defend him on here, he puts up with alot!
But I feel like not getting out there and not mixing with others is only making it worse and causing a downward spiral. x

This really stuck a chord with me. OP, my DP is really shy and awkward. I love him to bits and we have a brilliant time when we’re together, but when we’re out with friends or at parties he’s like a fish gasping for breath. He is clearly so uncomfortable. I get that he wants to support me and meet my friends, but I feel like I have to take care of him the whole evening to make sure he’s not sitting alone or trying to make small talk with Sandra’s Auntie Beryl because he’s TERRIBLE at it. You can hear his audible sigh of relief when I suggest going home.

There are ways I manage it. Things like going to a gig or cinema with friends works for him. A crowd of us went to see Top Gun Maverick and he had a great time, for example. I took him to an awards dinner and it was painful. By your own admission it doesn’t sound like you would enjoy these events and it sounds like he’s trying to protect you and him from having a nigh on painful night. Is there a reason you actually want to go? Would he be averse to you, for example, coming to pick him up later in the evening, and staying for a drink?

@Chardonnay73 thank you so much xx

I could be wrong but it looks like to me he was hoping that your eating disorder would resolve over time but in the 7 years of your relationship, it hasn’t. That would explain his behavior over the last few years, and his anger when you complain about not being invited, and the reasons he gives. You just said that he ‘diverts’ to your eating disorder whenever you have issues, so there is your answer.

Can’t you give this fixation up? For yourself and for him? What would happen if you ate food with friends and family? What are you afraid of? I hope you don’t mind my asking but it seems to be the whole root of your problem.

I have a phobia about driving, so I can relate to your dilemma, but truly, start eating with people, just a little at a time. I used to be terrified to drive outside of my neighborhood how crazy is that, but slowly I kept at it, and now at least I can drive myself and my family to most places. (I was so on the side of the poor woman in another thread who is scared of driving in lightning) I am totally with you on this. But you have to be willing to try.

Hi OP, I'm so sorry to read your post.

How awful and now you're doubting yourself, wtf. You have no reason to doubt yourself. You have done nothing to cause this.

I think you've married a chimaera. He is one way with you and another without you.

I would turn up at the Christmas do and see what happens - it'll be a sh1t shower, no doubt, but you will know for sure.

He's hiding something very big from you and it sounds very unpleasant.

Sending you a huge hug and strength xxx

One of my best friends had social anxiety and a long term ED. We talked about her ED and SA a lot but what I could never say to her is I found it difficult to deal with her in certain situations. Because I was person she could rely on who never judged her. So to have admitted I found her a challenge may have felt like a betrayal.

If I put myself in your DH’s position for a moment and think what it would have been like to take her to work events - well I just wouldn’t - it would be way too stressful for me. I’d be worrying all evening about how she was coping, eating, socialising. People who struggle socially, they’re on your mind all night. I had a bf who was like that - genius intelligence, super funny - but shy and awkward socially - I’m very confident and sociable and I didn’t last 6 months.

I don't even know if I want to go but I can't carry on like this, it's not healthy, I've become so alone these past few years, I look back at photos of me out and having a good time and don't recognise the person, I really don't want to waste my life indoors.

Completely get the gasping for breath situation and want to be a woman who walks into a room and wows his friends with witty conversation and glorious manners haha but to have been completely sidelined hurts.

That's why I defend him, because I think this is a monster I have helped create perhaps but he's never lied to me that I know of. It's the fact that I realise now over the years for each event he's said things like " well you gotta be up early the next day so I'll go alone" and I've happily agreed, or he's said "it's a boxing match and you don't like violence remember, I'll just tell them to get me a seat"
Suddenly I'm suspicious of all that, is he looking out for me or is he hiding me, I'm completely torn and confused, and now everyone's saying he's gay I'm even more muddled lol xx

You could show him this thread

Oh my days I think he would probably laugh at alot of it, be awkward that I called him handsome and thoroughly enjoy all of your responses. And to be honest it might solve the problem, but once again I find myself to shy and scared to do something x

Because I was person she could rely on who never judged her. So to have admitted I found her a challenge may have felt like a betrayal.

To expand on that - I was a person she could talk to totally openly about her ED, because I accepted it without judgement. But it was actually for that very reason that I felt I could never say that I sometimes found it difficult to deal with myself.

It would have felt like admitting to someone with a disability that you struggled with it. As if you were judging them for the very thing you seemed to accept. And it would have felt so cowardly on my part because it’s so much harder to deal with an ED than it is to deal with someone dealing with an ED.

I don’t know if this is of any relevance OP, but that’s my contribution.

Yep. Been there done that with my 6 month bf. I couldn’t live my life like that.

Thank you for your lovely response, I think showing up is an amazing idea but I'm not a scene causer, I have never heard of a chimaera before, so many things I am learning this evening x sending you good wishes also x

I think if you showed him it he would realise how upset you are regarding the situation

you aren’t asking much

all you want to know is why

i mean as your husband and you do keep mentioning that he is quite forthcoming I can’t imagine he would keep something from you that he found uncomfortable

Is it possible that he's bullied or picked on by his workmates, and he doesn't want you to see he's unpopular?

Your a convenience to him that's it. He's kept you in a box for six years and when it all finally comes to a ahead, you're not allowed to have a reaction!?!?!

Obviously you're going to have a reaction to realising that he's only nice to you if you have no needs, ask for nothing, accept never being introduced to anybody, basically accept his terms and conditions and never question him............ you discover/realise this and it's like a rug was pulled from under you but you're not allowed to have a reaction.

Think about that. It's gas lighting. He is making your NORMAL reaction to being treated fairly shabbily the problem. The problem in his mind is not that he has treated you shabbily. So it's hopeless. You're pushing water uphill here.

I'd assume his work colleagues think he's single or he's been fooling around with someone at work, his reaction is weird not you asking. If there's nothing going on he won't mind you going, if he says no I'd dump him.

Having read the last 9 pages, it would appear your only real issue is why he lied to you, the rest you seem to have pretty much all sorted.

If he had said that there was a big do, but felt you may find it difficult to deal with, and he would rather go alone, then you would not even be asking for advice, you would be talking about it and sorting it out.

Maybe he is rooted in the past and does not know how to handle the fact that you wish to overcome these ED issues, but again, sounds to me like if it was not for the lie, and his subsequent defensive reaction, you would have resolved this between you.

I guess I would focus on why he lied, and why he became defensive, and build on that. Everything else is just speculation really.